LovePeaceSushi

Have you ever taken your Alcoholic spouse's keys away? I took a nap today (Sunday - no alcohol sold where I live on Sundays unless it's a restaurant), and when I woke up, my AH was completely drunk, naked, with 2 half-empty screwdrivers laying around. We exchanged words because just a few days ago he went to tour a treatment facility. He can't be serious about getting help if he is buying vodka and getting blasted.

Anyway, I took his keys (leaving him his house key). I didn't want him out driving in his state. The more I go to counseling the more I am cognizant of just how dangerous this is for others on the road, myself, and our finances. He is also NOT cut out for jail should he finally get pulled over and thrown in the drunk tank. (too pretty, if you know what I mean) Of course, his dad came and got him. When he texted me a few hours later, asking me to come and get him, I did. He was slurring his speech the whole way home. I had to ask if his parents (who I am estranged from) were giving him alcohol.....no.....they weren't. He had a bottle (a pint? I don't know...not the BIG bottle, but not an airplane bottle) in his pants. I guess he thinks they're stupid, too, and he was getting drunk while he was over there.

I finally gave him his keys back after he took a saliva test and passed. Is it wrong of me to do that? I don't want to control him, but I also feel responsible if he were to go out and hurt or kill someone while he's flying high on vodka.

maia1234

LPS,
All I can do is tell you what I did, not sure if it was right or wrong. I lived with my addict for 34 years and never let him have the consequences of his actions. I would always be the last to leave the party so he didn't have to drive home drunk and get the DUI. Was it right, I don't think so. At the time I felt it was my responsibility to help him. Sometimes I wished that he would have gotten the DUI and had the life consequences and maybe he wouldn't still be an active addict. Not really sure. Us codies just try and do the best we can. We don't want them to kill someone or themselves, but is it our responsibility to take drugs, alcohol or keys away from our addicts, not really sure.

Sending you hugs and support!!

aliciagr

No I don't think it was wrong of you to do that.

My inlaws and I have both taken the keys from my husband when it was obvious he was intoxicated or drugged. Several factors - public safety triumphs over having my husband suffer a negative consequence such as a DUI. I would not have allowed him to drive if I was able to stop him, even if I knew he could only harm himself. Driving a motor vehicle at 60 mph and crashing could result in death and the risk of that happening supersedes the likelihood that he would be stopped, get a dui, and this would be life altering.

Many people get DUI's and it doesn't have an impact on the addiction.

I think its good that he looked at a treatment center. Keep in mind proper treatment is designed to help motivate those who are somewhat ambivalent. Id take an attempt at treatment over waiting for a negative consequence to possibly spur his desire for change.

Flavia2

I agree with this as long as it doesn't put YOU in danger. My Ah would get mighty physical getting the keys when he wanted them.

But you may want to think about if this is really how you want to live your life.

suki44883

A lot of people get arrested that aren't cut out for jail. That's no reason for him not to face the consequences of drunk driving.

ExMrsLopez

I did the same thing, not only because he might cause harm driving drunk, but the expense of a DUI is astronomical. Court fees, DUI classes, running the person back and forth to work, and the rise in your auto premium leaves people who already have trouble meeting expenses in more of a mess.

I agree with letting alcoholics suffering the consequences of drunking, but letting them drive while influenced is something that can and should be prevented because the consequences will be suffered by many more people.

CarryOn

I did it regularly...generally after he was already drunk and he didn’t need to leave until the next day. I did it for my own peace of mind.

I agree with Flavia though...the real question is if this is really the way you want to be living?

Hugs to you...I know how hard it is.

AnvilheadII

my AH was completely drunk, naked, with 2 half-empty screwdrivers laying around.

sorry, that doesn't sound very "pretty". he certainly IS jail material if he is operating a ton of rolling metal while drunk.

what concerns me is that sure you shoo'd him away for a few hours, but then went and retrieved him. it doesn't sound like he's suddenly going to stop drinking to oblivion. is this what you want?

LovePeaceSushi

My husband has a medical condition (1 in 40,000) where if he were to be hit in the stomach, it could kill him. That's why I said that.

LovePeaceSushi

Thanks, Flavia. One thing my AH is not is physically violent. His medical condition leaves him very vulnerable and I think that even drunk he knows better than to instigate a physical altercation. He just stands in my way of exiting the room and verbally abuses me.

And is this the way I want to live? HE** NO!!!!!

atalose

They have medical units in jail.

You got through this situation, what’s your plan for the next one?

Spence7471

There is nothing wrong with taking their keys... it may save someone's life...

I have a friend who'e daughter drove drunk, the friend was unable to stop her... she crashed her car into another on a 2 lane country road.... she was seriously injured... her 3 year old son however was not not as luck... he lost his live that day. The people in the other car were injured, but nothing critical.

Unfortunately it is not the drunks who often die in DUIs... it is innocents. Take the keys if for nothing else than maybe saving someone else's life.

Sasha1972

I think taking his keys is no different from calling 911 when you observe an impaired driver - in both cases, you're trying to prevent harm to innocent people rather than focusing on the impaired person and what might or might not be good for them.

velma929

My dad was a functioning alcoholic. One evening he was driving himself, Mom, and another couple home. No one had any idea how high his blood alcohol level was, that's how habituated he'd become. He had an accident, and the other driver was killed.

The trail lasted less than a day, and the jury was out maybe an hour. Dad went to prison. Then the victim's family filed a civil suit for damages. Much of the money they had saved for retirement was lost in that action. By the way, unless you have OJ Simpson-like assets, you will have a hard time finding a lawyer to defend you for the civil suit. When you stand to lose most of your money, lawyers won't take your case.

LovePeaceSushi

My plan and what I have been advised to do by both my counselor and my husband's counselor is to avoid him when he is drinking. If I can get him to have his father come pick him up, I do that. I am going to start taking the car keys away. Thankfully we have an upstairs (my daughter's room and my craft room) that I can retreat to. Other than that, the plan is to get myself ready financially and to consult with my lawyer about the best way to go about this. I have invested 12 years with him (6, married) and I have helped him in his business the whole time.

atalose

I say this not in a mean way but are you married to a teenager where his father has to come and pick him up after drinking too much? Isn’t that what kids do?

I’d be meeting with an attorney now, most offer free consults, that way you know exactly what’s in front of you should you actually decide to divorce.

LovePeaceSushi

I don't really care how it looks or how anyone perceives it - - when my husband is drinking, he doesn't need to be in the house. I'm not going to uproot my daughter to go stay in a motel room for $150/night. His parents are enablers, so let them come get their son and baby and coddle him - and keep him from driving, because I can't just hand my AH the keys when he's blasted and say "get out". I have an awesome attorney and I will be speaking with him when he gets back into town.

atalose

Sounds like a good plan, let him go stay with them.

And

Stop bringing him back!

LovePeaceSushi

Forget what I said about him not being a threat for physical violence. Yesterday when I had to take his keys away again, he strangled me and tried to hit me in the face, but missed and hit my arm. I at least got the keys away, though. But yes, lesson learned. Alcoholics don't like it when you take their keys away. I'd still do it again in a heartbeat. I had to have his daddy come get him again. This time they can keep him! I couldn't figure out why my AH wanted his car keys so badly if his father was coming to get him....then before bed I went out to his car and discovered a half empty bottle of vodka in the floorboard. He was wanting to take that with him.

firebolt

LPS - you have every right to have the police come get him. Strangulation is really, REALLY scary and physical violence escalates, and a protection order will help keep you safe. Big HUGS to you.