ulfr

Sorry i haven't posted for a while i got my sponsor she is wonderful been going to meetings am giving up my music therapy because i self injured a day after the session i have to talk to one of the workers at the group its run by she cant talk me back no way

AA meetings are now my main support and i am meeting my sponsor once a week as well as calling her if i need to watch i have done because of things in my past am struggling with that at the moment
thing on the news about a ex member of the catholic church who abused children and young vulnerable people will / funeral wanting forgiveness
triggered me so much av been having flashbacks got church this morning and an LGBT group after going to try and keep myself busy currently reading the big book through not on line as much

its nearly 6 am better make some coffee and breakfast

Dee74

I'm glad you're in contact with your sponsor GMS.
Its good to hear from you too

D

ulfr

Am not coping at the moment just falling apart ...its would be so easy to get a drink , it would take all of the flashbacks away make me feel better , drugs just get out my face its only 7ish am and i want to get out my face too early to phone my sponsor maybe ill wait an hour or so

Gottalife

Any chance you can see a therapist about those memories. AA deals only with recovery from alcoholism. It is not well placed to help you with other issues.

ulfr

i have been going to music therapy but i found it too much for me to deal with am not ready too deal with talking about it last Wednesday i had therapy i couldn't cope and i ended up cutting i cant cope with this then there was the things on the news that triggered me been having flashbacks on and off for days

Gilmer

I’m sorry, GMS.

Numblady

Wish I knew the right thing to say but didn’t want to not post because I didn’t. Just wanted to say I’m pulling for you and sending you thoughts of healing for you to get the power back from what sounds like a hell someone else put you through. Just wanted to say I too am sorry.

ulfr

my sponsor says be kind to myself but there is so much self hate i feel that i cant need help with that , i'll keep going to my meetings 5 times a week no more than that my pastor feels if i go every day i screw myself over i screw my self over when i obsess about things i need stop when i do it need to keep myself sane but i cant keep doing the music threapy , seeing my pastor , seeing my drugs worker too many cooks i want to stay with my pastor because i trust him and i want to keep seeing my sponsor , the music therapy is getting too much for me to handle it has too stop , seeing my drugs worker i am unsure what to do about that i think i need to talk to her about it .
am also head screwing myself over because i may have said something to a friend about something that might upset him he is unwell i think am made him worse i feel guilty for doing that and next time i should shut the hell up his mental well being am worried about now , i pray that he is safe and mentally well and not screwed up because of me
no way to contact him and i will not see him again until Tuesday afternoon
any thing happens to him will be my fault ... this is one of the many reasons why i hate myself because i hurt people

Dee74

Hi GMS

I know its still a little while before you see your Dr again but I'm worried for you and all this recent self hate.

Do you think maybe you should try and get an earlier appointment?

Try not to worry about your friend - we all speak with a lot of people during the course of one day and we hear a lot of opinions and get a lot of advice.

Most of us are pretty good at taking all that advice in consideration and working out what's best for us in the end.

I'm sure your words carry no more power than anyone elses and thats he's ok

D

Anna

GMS, I wish that you could see yourself that I/we here at SR see you. I see you as a very kind person who is working hard on being as healthy as possible. Be proud of all the hard work you are doing.

Gilmer

How are you doing today, GMS?

ulfr

i think am too much for my sponsor to handle , she posted something to me on face book and i got back to her, she not replied am worried about her she has mental health problems too there was stuff on her face book that makes me think she having a hard time at the moment and i think am too much for her i dont want to make her ill or upset her i dont know what to do i think am a bad person i think i should ask for help any more of any one i think i have to hurt myself am evil

Gilmer

You’re not evil. If anyone has problems, you’re not the cause. You’re just one little person. Each of us matters, but we don’t have infinite powers.

Wait for people to tell you plainly to tell you plainly if they can’t help—don’t self-sabotage by rejecting yourself for them. Their reasons may be personal—nothing to do with your value.

Not every unpleasant thing that happens is because of you.

SoberLeigh

I am very glad that you are posting and talking to us, GMS.

Sticking with AA sounds like a good idea. Maybe try going a 2-3 times a week to see how that goes and then add more days as you feel more comfortable. Maybe try some daily meditation and periods of deep breathing during the day.

I see you as a very good, kind and sensitive person, GMS, who is trying her best in life. Maybe remind yourself of how we see while you are meditating and deep breathing. Focus on the thought: "My friends at SR see me as a good, kind and sensitive person".

Sending you love.