Agnostic Al-Anon grandma about lose custody of granddaughter
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: White Marsh, Maryland
Posts: 4
Agnostic Al-Anon grandma about lose custody of granddaughter
I am 69, mostly retired from a career I still love. My second husband, now deceased, was an alcoholic; never drinking for the years we were married, but he was a dry drunk. I am married again, for 21 years this June, to an ACOA, who neither recognizes or acknowledges that reality.
My one son, now 40, is a non-using heroin addict - he is likely drinking, but I really don’t know much of anything about him anymore, since he has not communicated with me for over a year. He is my only child.
I am dealing with chronic pain; my husband - aka “grandpa” - is 61, and on full SS disability. (He’s connected to our granddaughter by love, not blood, and is the best grandpa in the world.). My granddaughter has been with us full time since April 2013, and will be 8 in a few weeks. I won guardianship in July 2014, and full custody in August 2016. But her mother continues to fight us in court. Because the mother is no longer using drugs - her addictions now are are a hateful, fundamentalist church, and her fight to get her children back - she is likely to regain physical custody of my little girl. This state is very much pro-birth mother, regardless of their psychological status.
This woman and my son - they are not together; never should have been, even for a moment - both also have serious mental health issues that go unacknowledged and untreated. (BM lost custody of two older children, by two other men.)
Like others of you, I’m sure, this is not how I wanted to be spending these years, but it is what it is. Thank goodness for Al-Anon - I can’t recommend it highly enough - it’s been a lifesaver! - and my own therapy and amazing friends. Yet the focus on a higher power continues to trip me up. The two meetings I attend are both thankfully very tolerant of my agnostic/atheist views; nonetheless, “god”and faith that god will make everything okay, and “you don’t get more than you can handle,” are frequent themes.
At this point, with the possible loss of full physical and legal custody of my granddaughter, her BM intent on sending her to a private parochial school, called The Lamb of God - her church is footing the bill for everything - the subsidized apartment in an awful part of Baltimore City, the expensive lawyers - I really do have more than I can handle!
I know I really just shared/dumped a whole lot of stuff. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for… Support, shared experience, whatever you might have the answer!
Thank you so much for reading this post!
My one son, now 40, is a non-using heroin addict - he is likely drinking, but I really don’t know much of anything about him anymore, since he has not communicated with me for over a year. He is my only child.
I am dealing with chronic pain; my husband - aka “grandpa” - is 61, and on full SS disability. (He’s connected to our granddaughter by love, not blood, and is the best grandpa in the world.). My granddaughter has been with us full time since April 2013, and will be 8 in a few weeks. I won guardianship in July 2014, and full custody in August 2016. But her mother continues to fight us in court. Because the mother is no longer using drugs - her addictions now are are a hateful, fundamentalist church, and her fight to get her children back - she is likely to regain physical custody of my little girl. This state is very much pro-birth mother, regardless of their psychological status.
This woman and my son - they are not together; never should have been, even for a moment - both also have serious mental health issues that go unacknowledged and untreated. (BM lost custody of two older children, by two other men.)
Like others of you, I’m sure, this is not how I wanted to be spending these years, but it is what it is. Thank goodness for Al-Anon - I can’t recommend it highly enough - it’s been a lifesaver! - and my own therapy and amazing friends. Yet the focus on a higher power continues to trip me up. The two meetings I attend are both thankfully very tolerant of my agnostic/atheist views; nonetheless, “god”and faith that god will make everything okay, and “you don’t get more than you can handle,” are frequent themes.
At this point, with the possible loss of full physical and legal custody of my granddaughter, her BM intent on sending her to a private parochial school, called The Lamb of God - her church is footing the bill for everything - the subsidized apartment in an awful part of Baltimore City, the expensive lawyers - I really do have more than I can handle!
I know I really just shared/dumped a whole lot of stuff. I’m not even sure what I’m looking for… Support, shared experience, whatever you might have the answer!
Thank you so much for reading this post!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Welcome to SR LadyJBluebird.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this and I do not have any experience to bring to the table (i'm not even an American) but it seems as though you have a lot going for you in your favour.
My first thought is that although she is young the Courts still ought to take her wishes into consideration and I do not suppose she would want to leave the people who have bought her up for all of her conscious existence.
Secondly, if it was one or even two years then maybe the BM could claim it was temporary but this is 5 years, you cannot disappear from a child's life for that long and expect to be allowed to pick up as if nothing had happened.
Thirdly, although I am aware that there are a lot of fundamentalist churches in the US, as I understand it they are by no means universally loved. A little research can often reveal "issues" that they would prefer to keep quiet.
Last but not least it sounds as though you are doing a good job in bringing up your grandaughter and changing that to one where she is cared for by a former drug user can only be a risk and most court officials tend towards being risk averse.
I wish you all the best and hopefully someone with a little legal knowledge will post.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this and I do not have any experience to bring to the table (i'm not even an American) but it seems as though you have a lot going for you in your favour.
My first thought is that although she is young the Courts still ought to take her wishes into consideration and I do not suppose she would want to leave the people who have bought her up for all of her conscious existence.
Secondly, if it was one or even two years then maybe the BM could claim it was temporary but this is 5 years, you cannot disappear from a child's life for that long and expect to be allowed to pick up as if nothing had happened.
Thirdly, although I am aware that there are a lot of fundamentalist churches in the US, as I understand it they are by no means universally loved. A little research can often reveal "issues" that they would prefer to keep quiet.
Last but not least it sounds as though you are doing a good job in bringing up your grandaughter and changing that to one where she is cared for by a former drug user can only be a risk and most court officials tend towards being risk averse.
I wish you all the best and hopefully someone with a little legal knowledge will post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
You sound like a wonderful Grammy! I'm so glad you were there for your granddaughter, you will have a bond forever. The birth mother sounds like she is getting her life going, and the Courts as you know have the ultimate goal of uniting children with their parents unless you can prove otherwise that they (she) is unfit. If I were you I would want to continue to be present in her life if it is allowed. Sometimes grandparents really have no rights (which I found out the hard way).
Be present at all of your granddaughter's hearings when you can, advocate to continue to be included in her life. Start telling her now how much you want to continue to be in her life so she can ask for time with you, but also let her know your love is forever. Good luck to you!
Be present at all of your granddaughter's hearings when you can, advocate to continue to be included in her life. Start telling her now how much you want to continue to be in her life so she can ask for time with you, but also let her know your love is forever. Good luck to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: White Marsh, Maryland
Posts: 4
Thank you!!
Thank you for all your words of encouragement. Dealing with a narcissistic, sociopathic person - the BM - does wear me out. I am going to fight hard, and at a minimum, hope to maintain joint legal custody, so the BM doesn’t take my little girl and run.
Originally Posted by saoutchik 
Welcome to SR LadyJBluebird.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this and I do not have any experience to bring to the table (i'm not even an American) but it seems as though you have a lot going for you in your favour.
My first thought is that although she is young the Courts still ought to take her wishes into consideration and I do not suppose she would want to leave the people who have bought her up for all of her conscious existence.
Secondly, if it was one or even two years then maybe the BM could claim it was temporary but this is 5 years, you cannot disappear from a child's life for that long and expect to be allowed to pick up as if nothing had happened.
Thirdly, although I am aware that there are a lot of fundamentalist churches in the US, as I understand it they are by no means universally loved. A little research can often reveal "issues" that they would prefer to keep quiet.
Last but not least it sounds as though you are doing a good job in bringing up your grandaughter and changing that to one where she is cared for by a former drug user can only be a risk and most court officials tend towards being risk averse.
I wish you all the best and hopefully someone with a little legal knowledge will post.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this and I do not have any experience to bring to the table (i'm not even an American) but it seems as though you have a lot going for you in your favour.
My first thought is that although she is young the Courts still ought to take her wishes into consideration and I do not suppose she would want to leave the people who have bought her up for all of her conscious existence.
Secondly, if it was one or even two years then maybe the BM could claim it was temporary but this is 5 years, you cannot disappear from a child's life for that long and expect to be allowed to pick up as if nothing had happened.
Thirdly, although I am aware that there are a lot of fundamentalist churches in the US, as I understand it they are by no means universally loved. A little research can often reveal "issues" that they would prefer to keep quiet.
Last but not least it sounds as though you are doing a good job in bringing up your grandaughter and changing that to one where she is cared for by a former drug user can only be a risk and most court officials tend towards being risk averse.
I wish you all the best and hopefully someone with a little legal knowledge will post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: White Marsh, Maryland
Posts: 4
Thank you...
We will be back in Court on May 15th. The judge who awarded me full physical and legal custody 2 years ago, and guardianship 4 years ago, will be the judge again. I really wish I could trust the mother to be a good mother, but I absolutely cannot. I do know though that my grand has a good foundation and is one amazingly resilient little girl!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I knew a narcisistic socio-pathic woman once. She was my best friend's partner after he divorced his second wife - he's a drunk, she was a drunk too. She had a lovely wee boy and when the opportunity came up, she couldn't get rid of him quickly enough. She dumped him on her mother who was suffering from some form of cancer. A child can really interfere with serious drinking and fun times apparently.
It seems strange to me that such a person would want their child back unless they had found some form of recovery, and strange that a church, however wacko would invest in such a crazy mother unless they saw something that you have not seen, like hope.
Still, I can understand why you would not be inclined to trust. The trust has never been earned. I have a sister in law like that. She did some stuff when my wife died, for which I have forgiven her, but I do not trust her to this day. I'd love to trust her but she has never shown any contrition. I remain forever hopeful that a reconciliation will occur one day, but I am not holding my breath.
It seems strange to me that such a person would want their child back unless they had found some form of recovery, and strange that a church, however wacko would invest in such a crazy mother unless they saw something that you have not seen, like hope.
Still, I can understand why you would not be inclined to trust. The trust has never been earned. I have a sister in law like that. She did some stuff when my wife died, for which I have forgiven her, but I do not trust her to this day. I'd love to trust her but she has never shown any contrition. I remain forever hopeful that a reconciliation will occur one day, but I am not holding my breath.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
I may have missed this but sadly a good (or bad) lawyer can definitely affect the outcome. Hope you have a good one lined up. I do think the length of time would influence the judge but you are right about presumption in favor of BM (at least in my state). Good luck to you and sorry you and granddaughter too are in this limbo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: White Marsh, Maryland
Posts: 4
Thanks for your thoughts.
She wants her daughter back because she likes to believe she can show the world that she’s a Good Mother with an adorable child, and because she hates me. She lies so well...she has never raised a child, but she tells everyone about her 3 wonderful children...her church would support her because I am Jewish, so killed Jesus in their eyes (if only all Christians actually followed Jesus’ teachings!) and my DH and I have a number of gay and Lesbian friends. The mother has told my little one that they will all go to Hell...
Anyway you are right; I do not trust her at all!
Anyway you are right; I do not trust her at all!
Originally Posted by Gottalife
I knew a narcisistic socio-pathic woman once. She was my best friend's partner after he divorced his second wife - he's a drunk, she was a drunk too. She had a lovely wee boy and when the opportunity came up, she couldn't get rid of him quickly enough. She dumped him on her mother who was suffering from some form of cancer. A child can really interfere with serious drinking and fun times apparently.
It seems strange to me that such a person would want their child back unless they had found some form of recovery, and strange that a church, however wacko would invest in such a crazy mother unless they saw something that you have not seen, like hope.
Still, I can understand why you would not be inclined to trust. The trust has never been earned. I have a sister in law like that. She did some stuff when my wife died, for which I have forgiven her, but I do not trust her to this day. I'd love to trust her but she has never shown any contrition. I remain forever hopeful that a reconciliation will occur one day, but I am not holding my breath.
It seems strange to me that such a person would want their child back unless they had found some form of recovery, and strange that a church, however wacko would invest in such a crazy mother unless they saw something that you have not seen, like hope.
Still, I can understand why you would not be inclined to trust. The trust has never been earned. I have a sister in law like that. She did some stuff when my wife died, for which I have forgiven her, but I do not trust her to this day. I'd love to trust her but she has never shown any contrition. I remain forever hopeful that a reconciliation will occur one day, but I am not holding my breath.
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