Learning to feel pleasure in myself

Old 04-07-2018, 09:20 AM
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Learning to feel pleasure in myself

I’m very new to realizing that I am codependent. With my new awareness, I see the little parts of my life that can bring me pleasure if I allow it - if I decide I deserve it. I have an ABF whom I do not live with; however, I see the same patterns in the single parenting of my 2 sons. I’ve been scared to death since their birth that they won’t feel love so I indulge them and serve them. My home is their home. I am starting to take space for myself even if it’s just a small thing like playing the music I like or putting on headphones to block out their noise. I didn’t really do those things because “what if they need me and I don’t hear them”? They’re 11 and 14 - they’ll find me if the house is on fire. I’m making them serve themselves more and do what they’re capable of. I’m even looking into redecorating my bedroom so I love my space.
I’m grateful for This awareness. I think my life is about to get a lot better.
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Old 04-07-2018, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by 2kind4me View Post
I think my life is about to get a lot better.
I think so too, 2kind. Learning to take care of ourselves instead of always putting others first is really important.

Have you checked into this thread? You might find it really supportive as well as giving you some new ideas: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...an-you-do.html (I Challenge You To... 100 Happy Days. Can you do it?)
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Old 04-07-2018, 11:07 AM
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That really is great 2Kind, not just for you but for your children too. They will grow up to be self-sufficient and responsible.
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Old 04-07-2018, 11:59 AM
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2kind4me......I would like to respond to one aspect of what you shared....because I was a single parent for a certain part of my life, too...between marriages...(lol). And...my two boys (and one girl) had only sporadic contact with their narcissistic biologic father. I was very concerned about the boys having good male role models....So, I know how you feel...

A couple of concepts h ad an impact on me...when I was exposed to them.
I once heard an interview by a leading family therapist....He said that one of the crucial factors in families t hat were not dysfunctional (there are no perfect families)...is that there were boundaries--such that there was no question about who the parents are and who the kids are. Firm, consistent boundaries. The parents are, clearly, in charge of the family. Clear rules for the kids and responsibilities for the children. He said that without this...the result would be insecure and bratty kids.
The other thing that I remember, so well...is fr o m a program that I (think) that Steve Harvey did...(it might have been Oprah)....The message was that it is important for single mothers to present strong, successful and compassionate male figures to their son's lives. It was suggested that it could, if possible, be family members, like grandfathers, uncles or much older cousins. But, also...cultural figures...Like, coaches, male teachers, or business leaders or community leaders that they can respect and emulate...or, maybe, scout leaders...or band leaders...and...I like this one---h aving them study and read about strong men...like reading biographies or autobiographies of important and strong men. The ma in point being---boys need good male figures to aspire to...no matter how nurturing and caring their mothers are...

Now..these message came to me after my boys were adults...(wouldn't you know)....but, my experience tells me that these messages are correct. fortunately, I don't think I did too badly, with mine...in most respects. At least, I sent them to camps , in the summer, and kept them in, at least, one sport... and, I asked the schools if they could have male teachers, when possible....
And, I did have them take as much (fair) responsibilities in the home as they could for their ages.
I am glad that they can, now, cook a meal and clean a house and attend to children and pets....and, treat women with respect.....

I happen to be a girl...and, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, growing up, as well as my uncles...I loved her fiercely...and, think about her every day...but...Holy Cow! She was strict...loving, but strict....I am grateful for that, now.....

The point was made, by the family therapist that it is not necessary for the parent to function as the "best friend" or the "coolest mother" in relation to the children....as the children don't need that...they make their own best friends from their peer group and, the mother doesn't need to be "cool"...she needs to be in the mother role....

2 kind4me....I am only talking about this in order to pass along these tips to you....and, fortunately, your boys are still young enough to apply them (if you wish to)...I know that it can be hard for single women to try to be both mother and father, also....

And, yeah...I do think it is very important for kids of both sexes to see their mother having goals and interests and activities of her own....
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Old 04-07-2018, 12:39 PM
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Thank you for that. There are some tough ideas in there. My boys are VERY well behaved and good kids - I would say naturally but I thing I set a good tone when they were younger. They spent half their time with their narcissistic father who is a decent parent but definitely not who I’d want my kids to become. There aren’t any close male family role models and they aren’t interested in sports. They’re more, perhaps nerdy and of course play a lot of video games. Not sure where I’m going w this but I guess I hope they become their own good men.
I need to work heavily on their roles at home. I make them do little but need to work on that.
I guess the bottom line is your points are all well taken and I agree. Now just to implement
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Old 04-07-2018, 02:53 PM
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They’re more, perhaps nerdy and of course play a lot of video games. Not sure where I’m going w this but I guess I hope they become their own good men.

My now 19 year old twins don't play sports and never have. They prefer computers and books. They had few male models except their older brothers and were home schooled so never met men in a school setting either. However since they got older and we moved they have had one or two men in their lives that have been a massively good influence on them and they have both turned out great kids. They have no contact with exah tho.
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Old 04-07-2018, 03:31 PM
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2kind4me.....it isn't all about sports. There are other things.....for instance...Carl Sagan can be appreciated by kids who like astronomy...lots of role models in the field of science....kids can read about these people in biographies and autobiographies....or, join a science club led by a male.....
"Nerdy" kids can often love music...so they might be influenced by a male band leader...in school or otherwise...Male Scout leaders can teach boys things in many diverse areas....animal care...community projects, etc.....

Actually, 2kind4me.....if you go to amazon.com...in the book section....if you search for "Women raising boys"....you will find a lot of books that address this very subject.....
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Old 04-07-2018, 04:48 PM
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Thank you dancylion. You’re points are well taken and I can definitely work to expand that area of their lives. I am grateful that you all took the time to respond.
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Old 04-07-2018, 05:41 PM
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I think it's great that you're starting to look after your own needs and desires. A happier you is a win for everyone.

My therapist is always reminding me to make myself the priority. I'm a single mom of 3 boys, so that's hard sometimes, but I can definitely tell a difference when I'm taking the time for self care and meeting my own needs.
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Old 04-07-2018, 06:57 PM
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Yes therapists. Haha. I am one but totally blind to myself jn this area. The therapist j saw when I wanted to divorce my husband 8 years ago told me that. I dismissed it because I had little kids. My therapist when I actually did get divorced 5 years ago focused on telling everyone (including ABF) what I expected and insist that my needs are met. I agreed but couldn’t implement it. I’m amazed at how firmly I believed that I was “supposed to” be nice or care for everyone. Still struggling but the moments of awareness feel good.
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Old 04-08-2018, 07:52 PM
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That comes back to the that word "codependent". I think most members on this forum are codependent. When we know better then we do better. The old saying, put on your oxygen mask first and then help all others. You are heading in the right direction!!
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Old 04-08-2018, 08:04 PM
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I think you are off to a great start!
Originally Posted by 2kind4me View Post
I’m very new to realizing that I am codependent. With my new awareness, I see the little parts of my life that can bring me pleasure if I allow it - if I decide I deserve it. I have an ABF whom I do not live with; however, I see the same patterns in the single parenting of my 2 sons. I’ve been scared to death since their birth that they won’t feel love so I indulge them and serve them. My home is their home. I am starting to take space for myself even if it’s just a small thing like playing the music I like or putting on headphones to block out their noise. I didn’t really do those things because “what if they need me and I don’t hear them”? They’re 11 and 14 - they’ll find me if the house is on fire. I’m making them serve themselves more and do what they’re capable of. I’m even looking into redecorating my bedroom so I love my space.
I’m grateful for This awareness. I think my life is about to get a lot better.
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