I'm in love with an alcoholic..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 2
I'm in love with an alcoholic..
Hello everyone,
I've recently found myself in a bit of a pickle. I've been seeing a man for 4 months now, who has just admitted (after lots of dishonesty and deceit) that he has an alcohol problem. I have seen many red flags over the last few months (e.g missing wine at my house) but when I had attempted to confront him, he was very defensive and quick to deflect my suspicions. In fact not only did he vehemently deny the allegations, he would twist things around to imply I was crazy!
Yesterday I found myself driving him to hospital after he started suffering from severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms (shaking, severe vomiting, and almost semi-comatosed). It was only then that he admitted he had a drinking problem, and that he had been stealing my wine and mixing it with juice in a juice container.. I need to add that he had often been driving us around while drinking from said juice container.. I had once questioned the taste of the suspicious juice and he was quick to explain his concoction of fruit-cup, 'lemon juice,' and 'berroca'... and of course I decided to believe him. I've never had someone lie to me so convincingly while looking me in the eye.
I have joined this forum because I am hurting so badly right now because I really do love this person and need to know what my chances are of having a partner who can achieve sobriety after years of having a drinking problem.
He admits he has a big problem and says he has tried several times to stop, but has become so sick he had to drink again.
He insists that he is going to a Dr on Monday to get help. I don't know if I even believe this.. 😔
I have met an amazing man who is kind, loving, intelligent, funny, charismatic, and exciting. But he is also an alcoholic, and with that comes the lies and deceit.. Do I run? Or do I stay and give him a chance. We haven't been together very long but I do love him and care about him so much. He has so many qualities I adore.
I apologize for the long message and I know you've probably all heard this before.
Some advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm really torn right now and tbh very sad.
Thanks in advance 😊
I've recently found myself in a bit of a pickle. I've been seeing a man for 4 months now, who has just admitted (after lots of dishonesty and deceit) that he has an alcohol problem. I have seen many red flags over the last few months (e.g missing wine at my house) but when I had attempted to confront him, he was very defensive and quick to deflect my suspicions. In fact not only did he vehemently deny the allegations, he would twist things around to imply I was crazy!
Yesterday I found myself driving him to hospital after he started suffering from severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms (shaking, severe vomiting, and almost semi-comatosed). It was only then that he admitted he had a drinking problem, and that he had been stealing my wine and mixing it with juice in a juice container.. I need to add that he had often been driving us around while drinking from said juice container.. I had once questioned the taste of the suspicious juice and he was quick to explain his concoction of fruit-cup, 'lemon juice,' and 'berroca'... and of course I decided to believe him. I've never had someone lie to me so convincingly while looking me in the eye.
I have joined this forum because I am hurting so badly right now because I really do love this person and need to know what my chances are of having a partner who can achieve sobriety after years of having a drinking problem.
He admits he has a big problem and says he has tried several times to stop, but has become so sick he had to drink again.
He insists that he is going to a Dr on Monday to get help. I don't know if I even believe this.. 😔
I have met an amazing man who is kind, loving, intelligent, funny, charismatic, and exciting. But he is also an alcoholic, and with that comes the lies and deceit.. Do I run? Or do I stay and give him a chance. We haven't been together very long but I do love him and care about him so much. He has so many qualities I adore.
I apologize for the long message and I know you've probably all heard this before.
Some advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm really torn right now and tbh very sad.
Thanks in advance 😊
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You know, even if he DOES go to the doctor and get help, he has a long road ahead of him before he will be recovered enough (not just physically) to be truly responsible and emotionally available and honest in a relationship. A lot of alcoholics started drinking early and became emotionally stuck around that time. This may well be true of him.
My instinctive response to your question would be, YES RUN!!!! And run hard and fast. So far you are only 4 month in . This can and will get much more frustrating if you hang around.
If you do decide to stay with him, I'd suggest aquainting yourself well with the friends and family area on this site (and read all their 'stickies'), read the Big Book of AA to educate yourself about the nature of alcoholism (physical, spiritual and emotional), get yourself some support - AlAnon woukd be a good place to start. And protect yourself and your future - keep him away from your finances. Make your home your own castle, NOT his (no keys for example, no drawer in your room for his stuff - boundaries are so, so important). And definitely don't get pregnant! (Sorry if that seems presumptuous, but it's so important).
Yes, he's 'promising' to go to the doctor. What are his promises worth now you know what a good liar he is? Alcoholics will do what they can to avoid the consequences of their drinking, including lie and make promises that they have no intention of keeping.
I'd suggest posting your question in the Friends and Family area as well. Those people have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
BB
My instinctive response to your question would be, YES RUN!!!! And run hard and fast. So far you are only 4 month in . This can and will get much more frustrating if you hang around.
If you do decide to stay with him, I'd suggest aquainting yourself well with the friends and family area on this site (and read all their 'stickies'), read the Big Book of AA to educate yourself about the nature of alcoholism (physical, spiritual and emotional), get yourself some support - AlAnon woukd be a good place to start. And protect yourself and your future - keep him away from your finances. Make your home your own castle, NOT his (no keys for example, no drawer in your room for his stuff - boundaries are so, so important). And definitely don't get pregnant! (Sorry if that seems presumptuous, but it's so important).
Yes, he's 'promising' to go to the doctor. What are his promises worth now you know what a good liar he is? Alcoholics will do what they can to avoid the consequences of their drinking, including lie and make promises that they have no intention of keeping.
I'd suggest posting your question in the Friends and Family area as well. Those people have a lot of experience and wisdom to share.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
BB
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by WineWithJuice 
Do I run?
Slightly longer answer...Early dating is the time to find out if the person we are attracted to, even love, is compatible for a long term relationship. That may take four months, or even more. But if we find that the person has traits that don't align with ours we have to ask, "Is this person the person I want to be with?" It could be politics...religion....or say, drinking.
Do you really know who this person is? You haven't seen him sober. Are you compatible with the lying and deceit? His ability to deflect and to gaslight you may have nothing to do with his drinking, but rather are a part of his character.
I second BB recommendation to read through the posts in the Friends and Family section. Read the experiences of the ones that didn't run when they had the chance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Welcome to SR. Count me as another who agrees with the above advice. Reading the Friends and Family thread will give you insight and support in dealing with your loved one's addiction. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Lies and deceit are not the only things that come with dating an active alcoholic, my friend.
The bigger issue here is that he is not just lying to you but to himself, which doesn't bode well for him being on a true path to recovery. And even if he is actually in the beginning stages, it wil be a very long time before he is decent relationship material. It isn't like the lies and deceit go away with the booze. Only a hard-worked program of recovery and time will do that.
The bigger issue here is that he is not just lying to you but to himself, which doesn't bode well for him being on a true path to recovery. And even if he is actually in the beginning stages, it wil be a very long time before he is decent relationship material. It isn't like the lies and deceit go away with the booze. Only a hard-worked program of recovery and time will do that.
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