CentralOhioDad

Hello, Dear Friends,

Sorry I haven't been around much even though I'm still home from surgery - been trying to just rest and not get caught up in things. I think about you every day and am thankful for your sage advice, and friendship.

I met up with a friend the other day while DS was at church, and he knows my history, and AW's history of drinking. He asked how things had been, even though I keep him updated via text and email. He said that if it was him, he would tell AW that divorce is pending - that doing it via being served is not a preferable option.

He said the outcome/reaction might be easier to control in that setting as opposed to her being blindsided by a process server. I said flat-out, "I hate confrontation, and I think this would be easier". He said he hates confrontation too, but ran his own successful business and found that confronting an issue was better than it boiling over and getting too big.

Now I'm torn. I see his point, and I see mine. Also, my lawyer emailed me and asked when to get the ball rolling again. After being mentally ready (somewhat) back in Feb before AW's mother's passing and before my surgery, I'm back to teetering again. (Yes, I really do have a backbone). I know I need to do this, but the 'how' now has me in a quandary. I also understand there is no 'good way' to do any of this. But, I also don't want to play tit-for-tat and say, "Well, you've treated me like crap the last 7 years and told me how horrible a person I am, so I blindsided you with divorce papers". See from where I'm coming..??

Whyyyyyy does it have to be so dang difficult??

COD

SparkleKitty

Seems this ground was pretty well covered here, my friend:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-served.html (Should I Forewarn Her About Being Served?)

What's changed?

AnvilheadII

since this is not a "flight for life" situation, whereby you need to climb out the window in the middle of the night and run for it, i think a heads up is "fair" - however you need a timeline and a plan.

for example, upon being served, is it expected that she will immediately pack her things and leave the premises? i know if i was faced with such, i would need some TIME to gather ALL my belongings, since they are stuffed in every corner, closet, drawer, bookshelf, to say nothing of the garage, so it would not be possible for me to gather it all in one go.

so that circles us back to what is the PLAN. is she expected to just go, crash at a hotel until she finds an apartment?

does she get one or two more weeks of home life?

what if she says NO and doesn't budge? are you then willing to leave the home, taking DS with you? and go where? for how long? once you leave, you put yourself in a tricky situation to reclaim possession of the domicile.

i'd get all that ironed out FIRST. so you are clear, no wobbling, and a plan of action crafted with military precision.

Spence7471

What does your lawyer say about it? I am sure they have seen it done both ways and that is part of what you are paying them for.

However, for me, since you can not control when she will be served, telling her in advance may result in pain for you both until she is actually served. Why create more pain if it can be avoided.

theuncertainty

So, here's the thing about your friend's POV. It's his. And while he has some knowledge of your situation since you talk with him; he is not living the day-to-day of it the way you are. Even if he has had to deal with an AW of his own, his experience, while perhaps sharing similar points, is not the same. And if he hasn't had to deal with an AW, or other close family member with an addiction issue...

IMO, in some relationships, it's only fair to give a heads up; it would make sense. When ending other relationships, you have to play your cards close.

You have the unfortunate experience in knowing how AW will react to this. Trust your gut.

Refiner

I respectfully disagree with Spence. That is not what you pay a lawyer for. A therapist yes. A lawyer is paid to file legal paperwork.

COD I’ve been following your situation. I agree with what Anvil says - what are your expectations after the cat’s out of the bag no matter which way it unfolds to her? I think that needs answered first before the “how”.

trailmix

It's difficult because you have a conscience? I'm just going to throw this out there:

Seems to me after reading your posts that you think the logical thing to do is just have the papers served but your conscience is telling you otherwise.

For all that has gone on, you still have compassion for her.

I could be way off base here.

Blueskies18

I think you can do either. But if you tell her first then I think that is really good practice and learning for you. I am learning to say something because it is the right thing to do even though there is discomfort because of hurting feelings or dealing with conflict.

firebolt

Aww COD...it's the pits!

I gave XABF a months notice that I was leaving...in the name of being a decent 'tenant.'

That month was so painful, a complete roller coaster, filled with lots of push pull...him going from - "get out fast, I hate you, you've been nothing but a ***** to me", and back to "please don't go, you're my soul mate, I'll stop drinking, I love you."

I don't know if I would do it differently again....at the time, I remember thinking, I should have just packed up and moved out while he was at work.

For me, 2 years on....it doesn't freaking matter. The ONLY thing that matters is that I did it. No matter what I would have done, I would have been the bad guy. No matter how it affected him, I HAD to get out.

Someone told me their counselor presented these questions to them when they were spiraling about a decision:

How will this decision affect me in 5 minutes?
How about in 5 days?
How about in 5 months?
And 5 years?

Based on that, I'd say flip a coin ....the only thing that matters here is that you do what you need to do for you.

That being said - I agree with Anvil....having a plan, and then a plan B, and then sticking to them methodically (and with thick skin I might add) is a good idea.

tomsteve

tough predicament,COD and i can see both sides.
im just going to offer a suggestion:
sit down with a pen and 2 sheets of paper. write out the pros and cons of one choice on one sheet and the pros and cons of the other choice on the other sheet.

it would be hard to deny what choice to make that way.

one thing i strongly suggest is not making a choice.
AND delaying any longer than necessary

CoParentToA

My instinct is the same. You have plenty of folks who have pitched in to help you rationalize just serving her. Something is holding you back.

Personally I am not sure I see much difference in telling her and then her blowing up versus serving her and then her blowing up. Either way you need a plan.

But in the second case, "He blindsided me with papers!" becomes a part of the narrative she will be telling people, your son included. I guess I would weigh that against your discomfort at the thought of an in-person confrontation.

That said, you really have no control over her narrative - you'll be the bad guy in the story she tells regardless.

Personally, I would find a way to tell her that included a plan. E.g. This isn't working any more. I'm filing for divorce. DS and I have planned to leave first thing tomorrow morning for a trip to visit my parents. We will be back Sunday night.

An attorney should help you figure out how to handle the residence and what happens if she does not leave. I lived with my ex for over a year after announcing my intention to divorce, and it was pretty awful. That said, it may help you to gather even more evidence that she is not fit to parent.

CoParentToA

Also, maybe the most valuable advice I got during my divorce was to be consistent about what you tell your spouse about why you are leaving:

"Because it's not working."

"Why?!"

"Because it's not working."

Do not allow her to engage you in a debate about the state of your marriage or how good or bad it is or isn't or whose fault or is it the drinking or what about your son. Just keep it to: "it's not working" and don't say anything more than that. This is an argument you cannot win, so JADE is critical strategy here!

FireSprite

I maintain that I would NOT in this case - because informing her seems to yield NO added benefit for either of you, but can potentially make things a LOT harder in the meantime. She's already known for verbal & emotional abuse - I would not sign up for more, willingly.

Thing is, she's going to have a negative reaction either way & you've discussed your unhappiness in this relationship so she's not REALLY being blindsided, she's just chosen to deny what's in front of her face.

If we use past behavior to base future expectations on, she's going to create a narrative that paints her as the Victim no matter how it plays out, IMO. You can't control this any more than you can control her drinking.

I do understand the emotional teeter-tottering though, we're not without compassion for our loved ones who suffer, we just can't prioritize it above our own basic happiness in life.

FireSprite

To add to this thought: if roles were reversed and this was a woman coming here to post the same question about her husband, would any of us suggest that she give him a heads up after being emotionally and verbally abused the way that COD has experienced?

hearthealth

If your divorcing her and there's no chance of reconciliation than what's the reason for the heads up? Divorce is the time we focus on ourselves and not the impact on ex.
I want to give ex... (the heads up......) Ex might....
I don't want to give ex...( ) Ex might......

These two sentences will repeat themselves over and over again. There is a reason not to and a reason to but it will be your choice.

Ladysadie

you say "Whyyyyyy does it have to be so dang difficult?? "

My sense of following your thread is that you are struggling, have misgivings, are unsure this is the right thing to do? In which case, a few sessions with a life coach or mental health professional may help you move forward on your decision.

Could there possibly be elements in your relationship/family that are working ? It's a huge step your getting ready to take. Ask yourself what your fears are? List them, such as possibly wife will go ballistic and tear the house up? Does she have a place to go? Are you afraid she would take your child and run away? Usually having the inability to make decisions has fears attached to them. Only you can decide, everyone else is guessing based on what you're relating.

Wishing you the strength to make the right decision (even if your decision is to not make a decision and proceed at this time).

Aeryn

I agree with what the previous poster said, I'm thinking deep down inside there's a part of you that doesn't want to get the divorce and that's why you're having all of these things/issues that postpone it, short or long term. However my thought is the reason you maybe secretly deep down don't want the divorce is your codie voice is talking to you....codependency really is an addiction in my opinion....that codie need to be in a relationship and save the day is calling (the codie need to make sure not to hurt others feelings and make everyone else ok)....kind of like how the bottle calls an A....then once you cave to the codie voice and procrastinate some more you'll get the hangover and wish you hadn't. It's a vicious cycle similar to what A's go through. This is just my two cents based on reading the various threads.

I say all this because I have a friend who is a severe codependent and I've recently realized how it's an addiction to a person (and the consequences can be as bad or worse than drug/alcohol addiction - she is ruined financially (put all debts in her name, had to file bankruptcy, can't even get an apartment without a cosigner), she's lied to social workers, police, lost her health (hair and weight) due to the anxiety and if she wasn't working for family wouldn't likely have a job...she did it all for him (because of love, feelings etc you know the drill). She's sober from her DOC for many years (she's a recovering addict sober I think about 15 years) and she agrees she's addicted to him (addicted to helping him, addicted to feeling needed, addicted to saving the day and making others feel good)....but she said he's harder to quit than the drug ever was.

For some reason your thread made me think of all that...I may be way off but could you be having a hard time "quitting"?

Oh as for the original question does it really matter? You can't control her or her reaction. All you can do is control your own actions, if you want to just serve her do it...then own it...it's ok to do what's best for you....not just ok but healthy. Just my opinion. I remember when I first left my XRAH, I would do something for me and he would ask why and I'd weakly say "because that's what's best for me"...then he would call me selfish....that just made me know more I was making the right decision to leave. Taking care of myself instead of sacrificing for him is not and was not selfish. But it took a lot of fighting my codie guilt for being called selfish each time I did something for me to get to this point.

Clover71

Hi COD. I'm sorry you are struggling. I haven't been there or done that, but I know having a plan would make me feel better. As a planner, The unknown can be scary for me. I have also been debating back and forth over whether to say this isn't working and we need to come up with a plan, or just remain quiet until some other things are in place. I suppose this is similar.

I disagree with some here. I would say this is hard for mostly anyone. You share a long history together and a child and you also have compassion. That is being human. In the end, you really have to think about what is best for you and DH.

My friend just went through an amicable divorce with her AH. She got more anxious as the time came closer and was still sad even though she knew it was for the best. A mutual friend served the papers and was the witness. I wish that was possible for everyone.

Best of luck in trying to come to a decision. Try not to let it agonize you. It will work out in the end.

Ladybird579

I told my exah I was divorcing him while we were still living in the same house. Neither of us had anywhere else to go tho he had previously promised to move out. It was a difficult time. He drank more cos he said he had nothing left to lose and was appalling in his behaviour by not sticking to agreements and alienating me from my adult children who still lived at home and getting physical with me. I bought a dog and slept in a room with a lock.

We had agreed to both live in the house until it sold but it wasn't an option once "the gloves were off". We last 6 weeks then he left cos a police friend took him out the house but he came back a few weeks later so I left. Never underestimate your wife and what she might do. My feeling is I would not want to be within 10 miles of her once the papers are served. So what if she says she is blindsided. My exah and I split up 4 times before the big one and he said the same. She will always have something to complain about. I'd make sure you and your boy ( and any pets) are not there. That also stops her taking your son cos she will probably try that.

Sasha1972

I believe you are overthinking this. I haven't been around this forum that long, but I note that you joined in 2012. That's six years of not-divorcing. Have things gotten better? Are they likely to get better if you continue not-divorcing? I think they are likely to get worse.

There are, as Paul Simon says, "fifty ways to leave your [spouse]", but they all come down to the same thing - you have had enough, this is not healthy, it is best for you and DS that this marriage come to an end. This knowledge is what's going to make your wife freak out, and there's no way you can move ahead without her having this knowledge. Ultimately it won't matter whether you told her before or after the papers arrive.

I am wondering if your hesitation here is a way of hanging onto the illusion that you have some control over this situation - if you find the "best" way to tell her, you can minimize the fallout, and by pondering the "best" way you can put off actually telling her while also clinging to the belief that your actions will shape her behavior. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - it is a dynamic that is familiar to me, as a chronic overfunctioner in various difficult situations. It's hard to let go of the hope that I can find the "right" way to proceed if I just think about it enough.