struggle like never before
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
struggle like never before
okay this is slightly outta sorts, it's been almost 4 days since i've actually slept. Am i a drug addict who suffers from mental illness or a mentally ill person self medicating ?
my dad died in front of me almost a month ago, unexpected massive heart attack (he was 78 years old, myself 54), mom and both my brothers proceeded him all in various tragic circumstances. My father was the singular most stabilizing person in my life and honestly the best friend i had.
i realize now i do not have the capability to deal with grief and sense of loss, the worst relapse/binge of my life began 24 hours after death and pretty much stopped last night due to physical collapse. Well there's been a few who when i reached out attempting to seek help/support left me with a 'we're praying for you'. As the days pass the isolation and quiet have driven me to seek solace chemically again, sobriety has been off and on the last coupla years with significantly more time clean than using... was diagnosed bi polar two years ago, 60 days rehab substance abuse three years ago...
i am not sure what the point is even posting this, it's too complicated to articulate...
my dad died in front of me almost a month ago, unexpected massive heart attack (he was 78 years old, myself 54), mom and both my brothers proceeded him all in various tragic circumstances. My father was the singular most stabilizing person in my life and honestly the best friend i had.
i realize now i do not have the capability to deal with grief and sense of loss, the worst relapse/binge of my life began 24 hours after death and pretty much stopped last night due to physical collapse. Well there's been a few who when i reached out attempting to seek help/support left me with a 'we're praying for you'. As the days pass the isolation and quiet have driven me to seek solace chemically again, sobriety has been off and on the last coupla years with significantly more time clean than using... was diagnosed bi polar two years ago, 60 days rehab substance abuse three years ago...
i am not sure what the point is even posting this, it's too complicated to articulate...
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
You're clearly in pain.
If you've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and you've been on a month long bender which caused physical collapse I'd say that both are going on, triggered by a traumatic event. Not sure if you were being medicated for your bipolar disorder, and if so, if you were compliant.
Please get medical attention, and you can begin to sort it out. A dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and substance abuse is both common and needs a lot of help to deal with. Recovery, psychiatry, therapy, etc.
It's clear you need help, medical and otherwise.
You shouldn't deal with this alone, or even with family. You need professional help.
This is not a time for trying to figure out your issues on SR or going to a meeting or talking to your minister. From what you've told us, this is probably an acute medical crisis.
If you've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and you've been on a month long bender which caused physical collapse I'd say that both are going on, triggered by a traumatic event. Not sure if you were being medicated for your bipolar disorder, and if so, if you were compliant.
Please get medical attention, and you can begin to sort it out. A dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and substance abuse is both common and needs a lot of help to deal with. Recovery, psychiatry, therapy, etc.
It's clear you need help, medical and otherwise.
You shouldn't deal with this alone, or even with family. You need professional help.
This is not a time for trying to figure out your issues on SR or going to a meeting or talking to your minister. From what you've told us, this is probably an acute medical crisis.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Now,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. You have my condolences.
Were I where you are, I’d see medical assistance as soon as possible. You can sort out the other stuff once things have stabilized.
I wish you all the best.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. You have my condolences.
Were I where you are, I’d see medical assistance as soon as possible. You can sort out the other stuff once things have stabilized.
I wish you all the best.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,020
NOW, I lost my father a couple years ago after he went through years of dementia, thankfully I was able to maintain my sobriety due to the support of my recovery programs and church relationships. I'm very sorry for your loss.
I agree that now is a good time to seek professional help, please don't try to get through this on your own. I've been through periods in my life where I attempted to "do it myself" and found that the only way I could get through difficult times was by leaning on others.
I agree that now is a good time to seek professional help, please don't try to get through this on your own. I've been through periods in my life where I attempted to "do it myself" and found that the only way I could get through difficult times was by leaning on others.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
daybreak eh 30something hours ago i finally put the pipe down, cleaned out all paraphernalia from the house, deleted dealer's phone numbers and slept for a freakin' 20 hours straight woke to find dad's dog had raided the kitchen garage can... he certainly gets a pass on this one, i'd all but neglected him since dad's funeral, laid bed listening to classical and ambient music petting said dog, managed to cry a little bit, contacted a music director from a church i've attended a coupla times about my latest cycle of crack binges, was invited to come play music on a casual basis... get the guitar back in my hands and some place to be...
through this latest wave of usage when sober i've spent time online reading about the chemical and psychological phenomenon of crack cocaine and how it's literally designed to trap you into not being able to think about anything beyond your next hit.
No kidding
so now i'm back at work today and also able to eat despite a very sore mouth, next move ?
am not sure, i'm careful not to make any grand statement as that's usually myself setting myself for another fall.
suggestions ?
through this latest wave of usage when sober i've spent time online reading about the chemical and psychological phenomenon of crack cocaine and how it's literally designed to trap you into not being able to think about anything beyond your next hit.
No kidding
so now i'm back at work today and also able to eat despite a very sore mouth, next move ?
am not sure, i'm careful not to make any grand statement as that's usually myself setting myself for another fall.
suggestions ?
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I'm not a 12-step guy, but one day at a time, a minute at a time if necessary. Can't really help with the crack stuff as fortunately never had to go through that personal hell. If you think about using just try to combat those thoughts a with thoughts about how you feel when you eventually come crashing down.
I'm not sure if you have mental health professional that you can reach out to, but if you don't you should find one. You don't have to do this alone. The other thing is that when you talk to the you have to be COMPLETELY honest about what you are going through. I made this mistake many times, hiding things out of embarrassment, but the only person it harms is you. It is their job and when you hold stuff back it just stops the from properly treating you. Either way, they just go back home to their families at the end of the day and life goes on. the same can't be said for your life. I can promise you that they have seen worse and won't judge you.
Hang in there and keep fighting the fight. Good to hear from you!! Take care!!
I'm not sure if you have mental health professional that you can reach out to, but if you don't you should find one. You don't have to do this alone. The other thing is that when you talk to the you have to be COMPLETELY honest about what you are going through. I made this mistake many times, hiding things out of embarrassment, but the only person it harms is you. It is their job and when you hold stuff back it just stops the from properly treating you. Either way, they just go back home to their families at the end of the day and life goes on. the same can't be said for your life. I can promise you that they have seen worse and won't judge you.
Hang in there and keep fighting the fight. Good to hear from you!! Take care!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
alright 4th continuous day without drugs, it's absolutely beautiful weather here and an ability to actually appreciate how nice it is rather than blasted outta my mind or sick as a result there of is incredible...
i know that i'm semi-manic right now. It's a combination of things, physical relief from the stress of using, some good sleep plus eating properly and making all obligation as needed. i've made arrangements to meet with a religious based sobriety group Sunday evening via my friend the music director *who continues to contact me daily* i asked him to refer anyone from their organization to call on me prior to this weekend or contact in whatever way they'd prefer...
God knows the drug dealer(s) are blowing up my phone.
anyways thot i'd post gotta get back to work
=^,^=
i know that i'm semi-manic right now. It's a combination of things, physical relief from the stress of using, some good sleep plus eating properly and making all obligation as needed. i've made arrangements to meet with a religious based sobriety group Sunday evening via my friend the music director *who continues to contact me daily* i asked him to refer anyone from their organization to call on me prior to this weekend or contact in whatever way they'd prefer...
God knows the drug dealer(s) are blowing up my phone.
anyways thot i'd post gotta get back to work
=^,^=
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Glad to here you are doing better, some nice weather always helps me. It's good to hear that you have some people who are keeping in touch with you. I think it may be a good thing to get involved with a group, if for no other reason than it will be good to develop some non using friends who can keep in touch with you.
I don't know if this will help with dealers calling you or not, but most newer smart phones give you the ability to block numbers that you don't want to answer. There are also aps that can do the same thing. Of course if you don't use a smartphone, I guess it won't matter, but just a thought.
Take care, hope you have a good weekend!!
I don't know if this will help with dealers calling you or not, but most newer smart phones give you the ability to block numbers that you don't want to answer. There are also aps that can do the same thing. Of course if you don't use a smartphone, I guess it won't matter, but just a thought.
Take care, hope you have a good weekend!!
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Hope you are still doing ok.
Coke in any form might make you more manic.
I just stopped smoking rock one day. An ex showed up with a bunch of rock a few days later and i sent him away.
I thought i wasn't a multi substance addict and that i could treat alcohol the same way.
Wrong.
Block those phone numbers. Make up your mind that yoy are dine and get two weeks.
Coke in any form might make you more manic.
I just stopped smoking rock one day. An ex showed up with a bunch of rock a few days later and i sent him away.
I thought i wasn't a multi substance addict and that i could treat alcohol the same way.
Wrong.
Block those phone numbers. Make up your mind that yoy are dine and get two weeks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
alright i've remained clean and sober throughout the weekend... wicked bad mood swings but another series of important task and obligations met. As for changing my cell number, there are way too many non using related issues to sort out professionally and personally. Yup one source repeatedly text Fri evening offering to 'set me up on the house'... it's still fresh in my mind how badly I'd hurt myself so temptation wasn't really an issue. Sleep, proper eating and some interaction with non users has helped stabilize my current frame of mind but i am going to have to find someone in my realtime world to speak about all of this directly, preferably with similar experiences. i am not a 'meetings person' but I'm going to push through and attend some in hopes of another breakthrough... As i've been told so many times 'ya gotta put as much hustle into sobriety as ya do the dope...'
thanks to everyone who's responded
thanks to everyone who's responded
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My mental illnesses were not properly diagnosed for 5 years after I got clean/sober the second time.
I congratulate you on interacting with non-users, and I found that meetings helped me immensely.
I also am proactive in my mental health. I see a therapist every two weeks, a med doctor who is fantastic, and thanks to my mental illnesses and experiences, I now work in mental health. Who woulda thunk it?!
I congratulate you on interacting with non-users, and I found that meetings helped me immensely.
I also am proactive in my mental health. I see a therapist every two weeks, a med doctor who is fantastic, and thanks to my mental illnesses and experiences, I now work in mental health. Who woulda thunk it?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
...I see a therapist every two weeks, a med doctor who is fantastic, and thanks to my mental illnesses and experiences..
At my current job upon the death of my father the supervisor printed out a PDF file of supposed company related employee counseling but because it's Human Resource related i couldn't follow up. i am unable to trust a systematic program that ultimately protects the company's interest as opposed to any individual's.
i am honestly confused over what would be the best thing to do. When i attended a smallish church upon the invitation of the music director (who generally checks on me almost daily) i met briefly with the female pastor who inherently sensed my confusion and pain. My own social awkwardness and core feelings of 'suffer in silence' overrode anything other than agreeing to return...
none of this is easy
=/
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I am also introverted, to the point of having very little social interaction outside of work. Over the years I have seen a variety of therapists none of whom were very helpful. Last year I began seeing a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) based therapist. I have made more progress in the last year than in the last 20.
People who are thinking about seeing a therapist have many different ideas of what therapy is all about, and it does depend a great deal on the individual therapist. The key is to find someone who works for you. If someone is not working out you should not be afraid to find someone else. They are professionals and will not be offended by this choice.
If you see a good CBT therapist, you will not be required to spill the details of you life that led you down the rabbit hole, unless YOU want to and YOU find it to be helpful. They are concerned with helping you deal with the issues that a currently effecting you life and how you can deal with them. I too would be cautious about accepting help through HR. Make sure you understand what, if anything will be shared with your employer. You many want to look into it, but tread with caution.
In my situation, my insurance covers my sessions, and my therapist is helping me with reduced co-payments. If you don't have insurance coverage, many therapists will work with you with a reduced rate based on your income.
I really urge you to give this a try. I promise you, it is not a big deal, and if it isn't working for you, you don't have to continue with it. At the end of the day, my sessions are more like talking to a friend who happens to have a little more knowledge in the areas I need help in. Give it a shot, you really have nothing to lose and much to possibly gain. Glad to hear you checking in, and that you are doing much better. Take care.
People who are thinking about seeing a therapist have many different ideas of what therapy is all about, and it does depend a great deal on the individual therapist. The key is to find someone who works for you. If someone is not working out you should not be afraid to find someone else. They are professionals and will not be offended by this choice.
If you see a good CBT therapist, you will not be required to spill the details of you life that led you down the rabbit hole, unless YOU want to and YOU find it to be helpful. They are concerned with helping you deal with the issues that a currently effecting you life and how you can deal with them. I too would be cautious about accepting help through HR. Make sure you understand what, if anything will be shared with your employer. You many want to look into it, but tread with caution.
In my situation, my insurance covers my sessions, and my therapist is helping me with reduced co-payments. If you don't have insurance coverage, many therapists will work with you with a reduced rate based on your income.
I really urge you to give this a try. I promise you, it is not a big deal, and if it isn't working for you, you don't have to continue with it. At the end of the day, my sessions are more like talking to a friend who happens to have a little more knowledge in the areas I need help in. Give it a shot, you really have nothing to lose and much to possibly gain. Glad to hear you checking in, and that you are doing much better. Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
since i can only stop for ten days to maybe 2 weeks then start right back using *and acting out* i've decided to start attending 12 step meetings... when i'd made pretty fair progress 3 years ago while in rehab and could honestly appreciate a normal life, meetings were part of the program, it's literally the 5 year anniversary of when someone introduced me to smoking cocaine.
it been a long terrible haul and i'm tired of starting over.
it been a long terrible haul and i'm tired of starting over.
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW
okay this is slightly outta sorts, it's been almost 4 days since i've actually slept. Am i a drug addict who suffers from mental illness or a mentally ill person self medicating ?
my dad died in front of me almost a month ago, unexpected massive heart attack (he was 78 years old, myself 54), mom and both my brothers proceeded him all in various tragic circumstances. My father was the singular most stabilizing person in my life and honestly the best friend i had.
i realize now i do not have the capability to deal with grief and sense of loss, the worst relapse/binge of my life began 24 hours after death and pretty much stopped last night due to physical collapse. Well there's been a few who when i reached out attempting to seek help/support left me with a 'we're praying for you'. As the days pass the isolation and quiet have driven me to seek solace chemically again, sobriety has been off and on the last coupla years with significantly more time clean than using... was diagnosed bi polar two years ago, 60 days rehab substance abuse three years ago...
i am not sure what the point is even posting this, it's too complicated to articulate...
my dad died in front of me almost a month ago, unexpected massive heart attack (he was 78 years old, myself 54), mom and both my brothers proceeded him all in various tragic circumstances. My father was the singular most stabilizing person in my life and honestly the best friend i had.
i realize now i do not have the capability to deal with grief and sense of loss, the worst relapse/binge of my life began 24 hours after death and pretty much stopped last night due to physical collapse. Well there's been a few who when i reached out attempting to seek help/support left me with a 'we're praying for you'. As the days pass the isolation and quiet have driven me to seek solace chemically again, sobriety has been off and on the last coupla years with significantly more time clean than using... was diagnosed bi polar two years ago, 60 days rehab substance abuse three years ago...
i am not sure what the point is even posting this, it's too complicated to articulate...
In a nutshell, being bipolar means we have great DIFFICULTY REGULATING OUR EMOTIONS. Remember those four words. Keep telling yourself this over and over. You will start to understand why you break down dealing with heavy things that come your way. You will start to get more control over yourself. You're a car going down the road of life bouncing from one side to the other, crashing into the curbs. You're trying to steer but you can't seem to get it straight because you don't know what kind of car you're driving. You're driving a bipolar car. Once you understand more about being bipolar and why we're different, the better you'll be able to steer that car.
If you're not being medicated for bipolar please do so a.s.a.p. You cannot win without medication. It will help so much. And research bipolar disorder and try to understand it better. You will be finding out so much about yourself. In turn, you will be able to control your emotions so much better. And your addiction is only hurting your mental situation. Whatever chemical you're using is surely making it worse. I know because I've used many of those same chemicals myself. Please research bipolar disorder and start understanding who you are. Be proud of it too. I don't give a F--k if I'm not "normal". In fact, I'm proud to not be "normal". I've never felt normal anyway so f--k it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by luvSOBERlife
...DIFFICULTY REGULATING OUR EMOTIONS.
well it's simplicity for simplicity's sake right now, managed my 1st 12 step meeting in almost 3 years and took a 24 hours chip. It a was an AA, the people seem more genuine than the NA folk. The topic was resentment and that's a key struggle here. i'm attempting to stay away from making any grand statements as my ego will railroad me right back to using. The continuity of doctrine was reassuring, literally felt like i'd been there just last week.
thanks for your posting
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by NOWisNOW
...guess i'd figured everyone felt internally like i tend to
well it's simplicity for simplicity's sake right now, managed my 1st 12 step meeting in almost 3 years and took a 24 hours chip. It a was an AA, the people seem more genuine than the NA folk. The topic was resentment and that's a key struggle here. i'm attempting to stay away from making any grand statements as my ego will railroad me right back to using. The continuity of doctrine was reassuring, literally felt like i'd been there just last week.
thanks for your posting
well it's simplicity for simplicity's sake right now, managed my 1st 12 step meeting in almost 3 years and took a 24 hours chip. It a was an AA, the people seem more genuine than the NA folk. The topic was resentment and that's a key struggle here. i'm attempting to stay away from making any grand statements as my ego will railroad me right back to using. The continuity of doctrine was reassuring, literally felt like i'd been there just last week.
thanks for your posting
I always knew I was different inside but I had no clue until being diagnosed. "Normal" people have no idea what it's like to be how we are and vice versa. Hell, just knowing I was part of 3-4% of the rest of the population who are bipolar felt good. That's a lot of people. I wasn't alone anymore.
You sound like a very intelligent person and you seem to be very honest with yourself. Your sobriety will come much easier because of this. But you know yourself best, and how to move forward best. Just be confident.
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