Kejun

Hi all,

Been doing really well and feel generally positive about life. Fitness has been integral into my recovery as well as attending AA meetings every day for over a month now. Really REALLY trying hard to get sober an remain sober.

The drinking, whilst occasionally pops into my thoughts is pretty much relegated from my mind. Thankfully.

The major issue I have remaining is my ex, if anyone could just provide feedback and tell me what an outsiders view is I would greatly appreciate it!

Due to the drink, she couldnt take anymore and broke up with me. I dont blame her at all. We have not spoken since Jan 23rd, a mere three days or so after I stopped drinking. Total no contact.

I miss her and love her dearly.

Am I correct in remaining no contact and leaving her alone? She can quite easily contact me if she wants to, but I said to her if she is certain this is what she wants I will leave her be. Due to the nature of our work/location, it is very easy to find out about me and I have no idea if she even cares anymore.

Should I just continue on my path and whatever is meant to be will be?

I guess I know the answer and remain very hurt and guilt ridden by the pain I caused and in essence forcing her hand to take the action she took.

Thank you in advance.

teaorcoffee

I think that if you left the ball in her court, you have to keep to that.
I understand that you can see how things will be different this time, but she may not be in the same place as you.

Snowydelrico

Relationships are very difficult.
I know it’s hard but I would focus on recovery and not complicate your life with trying to restore your relationship. ( to ask your ex to support you through recovery is a big ask)
It’s hard I grant you that.
Coming to terms with what we have lost is part of the process.
75 days is great by the way.
I think a little early to be opening old wounds.

Hope I don’t sound too frank.

Well done again on 75 days

Kejun

I want to thank you both for your replies.

I agree it is too soon and besides, after being together for 18+ months, it is futile to be able to proove I have changed after two and a bit months.

What helps keep me off the booze is remembering her when I last saw her. Pretty broken from my drinking which broke her

Onwards and upwards!!

Berrybean

I would suggest that you focus on your recovery. And bear in mind that meetings are not the AA program of recovery. If you could get yourself a sponsor and world those steps, that will give you the chance to work through all this stuff, plus enable you to make your amends where they are due in a selfless way with humility, and with right motives (I.e. not as a tool for manipulation to woo and win someone back).

When I think of myself in early recovery I known I had very little to offer anyone else. I barely knew what I thought or how I felt from one day to the next. Any romantic involvement I could have engaged in would have been very me-focussed. And I don't think I'm unusual in that. Besides, the ups and downs of relationships can be very dangerous to us in the early days, when we still haven't really built up our toolbox for sobriety.

Have you considered getting a sponsor yet?

BB

Dee74

I agree that you should let things be Kejun.
I know it's hard but it's the right thing to do.

D

tomsteve

I guess I know the answer and remain very hurt and guilt ridden by the pain I caused and in essence forcing her hand to take the action she took.

the steps can provide freedom from the guilt.
you are working the steps,correct?
reading the big book?
talking with a sponsor and others about the steps?

Gottalife

When you get to step nine it will become obvious what you need to do. Until then, the safest course will be to concentrate on getting to step nine. If you have good sponsorship, you should be getting close to that by now.

Kejun

I do have a sponsor and spent three hours with him this evening. We have only recently connected and working through the steps

We did touch on the subject of the ex and it is a case of letting go of a former relationship. It doesnt exist except in the past and thats where it will/must stay.

The motives would be incorrect for making amends and the best I can do - presently - is to leave her be... I sort of knew this, but did not want to accept it. Reality is what it is however and I am concentrating on healing and staying sober.

Thanks all

DreamCatcher17

It takes time, let her be. If it is meant to be, she will come back. Focus on you for at least a year!!! Best of luck