Meigs

The tears have finally fell, my anger has turned into defeat, my exhaustion now outweighing the sharp words at the tip of my tongue. Gratefully, my 1 1/2 year old daughter sleeps safely in the room next to me. And hopefully my 10 week baby in utero is still growing strong after being put in an extremely stressful and anxiety ridden environment. My husband is on another raging alcoholic binge- day 3.

My story is not unlike any other, I'm sure. I left town for a scheduled visit to see my family. (Albeit, while white knuckling through fear of my husband having another relapse). We had gone over this scenario of my being gone for weeks- he would attend meetings, had plenty of work to do to keep him busy, yardwork, projects, the Y.... We would be fine- we do nightly devotions and go to church for heaven's sake (pun intended). We have worked hard on sober living and talk about it freely in our home.

(*Let me add that I myself am in recovery after a long battle with alcoholism. So while there is much I understand- I was a chemically reliant/have a seizure without/everyday drinker, there is so much I do not understand about "Binge" drinking. Starting with the repeatedly selfisly sober attempts to buy the alcohol that knowingly and first handedly has taken so much away already and puts my family's life on the line.

So here I am. Day one- the shocking (is it anymore?) revelation of hearing the alcohol on his breath 5 seconds in to that first phone call. The excuse of, "I work so hard everyday for everyone else, I deserve a day for myself." To day 3- (day 2 spent with repeated phone calls ranging from happy drunk to extremely aggressive and volatile) To today- no calls. None. Because now he's mad. Mad at me. Blames me. I shouldn't have left. I should be home. He can't be alone. Another way of twisting and manipulating and blamegaming when the GUILT is what truly consumes him. Next come the excuses. Then the apologies. Then the declarations that he will change. Another full on attempt at meetings for a month, religion put back in his life, family first- you see, my alcolohic husband does nothing half a**ed. He's an all or nothing kind of guy.

Including these binges. They only stop with intervention of family (if he's lucky), losing a job, legal trouble, and so far- nothing more sinister though I have no faith that more sinister won't indeed come. Then comes recovery. Then comes a grace period. Then it hits again. He's on a three month cycle. Has been for many years. More years years than our young family has been around.

So here I am, "Pregnant and Barefoot". A stay at home Mom with no savings or a cent to my name, my beautiful daughter, a baby on the way, no friends I trust to confide in, or family that can financially float us by. I do however have their 100% support and a place to live, along with a schedule of alanon meetings pulled up.

But I need advice. You see, I don't want to divorce my husband. I don't want my children to be fatherless. I don't want to have this baby alone. We are at family. I made vows. I wanted to keep them....

His alcoholism is cunning and baffling even to this alcoholic. He only drinks alone. He only drinks when I leave to visit my family. When he's sober (and that's 95% of the time, he is my best friend and light of my life. He is charming and funny, has good principles and morals, a strong Christian faith and a kind, helping heart.

But when he is on these day long binges, he can quickly shatter everything I love and that has taken years to build. I want him to get help. A detox won't do. A short term treatment program won't do. He's not an everyday drinker. He can pass these with flying colors. He would never commit to a long term stay anywhere- his beloved career is too precious. If there is one left this (now) morning... If our life hasn't already been shattered.... If he wakes up.... If he stops the binge....If...If...

Maybe today he'll call?

ChloeRose63

Are you seeking professional help? You are putting yourself and children under way too much stress and it will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive and you as you will see there is only one way out. Get yourself help. Not him. You have to get support and tools to be strong and independent. Have you gone to any al-anon meetings? Have you read any books or articles? Keep reaching out for help.

b0glerd69

Welcome Meigs, your situation sounds very difficult but I agree that you have to prioritise your own recovery and the safety of your kids.

Your partner sounds like he has it within him to be able to abstain, completely, eventually but he'll have to do this for himself.

I hope you find some peace and a way through this.

All the best and keep reaching out, there is a lot of experience with these issues here and you may want to explore the Friends and Family section, particularly.

lessgravity

Feel for you Meigs. I know that kind of drunk your husband is, as I am one as well.

I can only express my sympathy and send you strength. I hope he can find the reasons to walk away from the booze.

There are so many people here with more wisdom and experience than me - but I wanted to say hello and thank you for posting.

Stick around.

Ladysadie

Meigs, your health and sobriety comes first so that you are able to care for and have a healthy baby. There is no question that you have got to hold your own life together for them.

My own life's view is from the rear-view mirror. I will tell you what age, time and experience would tell my younger self. Words are meaningless, actions speak louder. Prepare yourself for supporting your self and your children. Take online courses at the very least, get job ready. You owe it to your children to keep them safe. Put them first because obviously your husband cannot be depended on.

After my husband died in a fatal accident (not alcohol related) I was "it" for my children. I had very little patience for men who failed to measure up to the job of being a father figure to my children. Sadly I never met anyone that could fill their father's shoes but I had the job of being a single parent and it sounds like you may eventually be as well. Prepare yourself.

wynwrights

I can’t imagine being in your shoes — it’s a hard road you have travelled and continue to travel — but I can say this: your own wellbeing and that of your children has to come first. Look out for yourself. Both my parents are alcoholic (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in my case, it seems) and I can tell you that growing up in a house where there is active and unchecked addiction happening is a dreadful experience and one I do not want for my own children.

Bird615

I've also been sober while attempting to live with alcoholic partners that were still drinking. Ultimately, I couldn't do it and left.

If that's not an option for you all I could suggest is the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum and Alanon. The forum has a lot of supportive, helpful people along with a wealth of information.