Dzhen

Hi,

This is my first post here - and I'm so grateful to see that these forums exist. My husband of 6 years is an alcoholic. He thinks he has been for a long time but I've only been aware of it for 3 years. He has sought treatment (counselling) but has relapsed on many occasions. TBH, I'm not even sure how long he's ever been sober - I think there is so much that has happened over the past 3 years that I don't know about - though I do think he's managed it for a month. Anyway, last week he went into detox. After four days, he said he felt great, and the next day he let himself out - a 'surprise' for me. It was not a pleasant surprise, and I told him so. I also rang the detox place and checked whether they had been happy for him to leave, and they said they weren't especially concerned about him, but had encouraged him to stay (and emphasised that the program was voluntary). Anyway, after a bad few days (with me being grumpy and him trying to appease me), he drank this afternoon. I'm devastated. I know enough about alcoholism not to blame myself and my grumpiness for his lapse. It's been a really rough time, with me supporting us both on a modest wage (he quit his job to study, and has been unable to get part time work). I've also experienced some depression surrounding my mother's death five years ago. My dad, who lives interstate, almost died around Christmas and I'm also upset that because we have no money, I can't afford to go visit him.

I rang his counsellor this afternoon (I have his permission to do so) and she says lapses immediately after detox are common, but all the same, am not sure what to do. We have discussed separation and did try that for a short period earlier this year, but he came back and I didn't have the heart - or, frankly, the energy - to ask him to leave again. Also, I want to support him to find a job, as this, I feel, is one of the keys to him getting better.

Has anyone had a similar experience, with an alcoholic loved one lapsing immediately after detox?

Some other details:

• He drinks alone, and is never aggressive. When I confront him about it he often denies it, then agrees, apologises, and goes to bed.
• He openly admits he has an issue, including to his close friends and family.
• My close friends and family also know he has an issue, and have been supportive.
• I've attended counselling and Al Anon.

Ladybird579

Has anyone had a similar experience, with an alcoholic loved one lapsing immediately after detox?

Welcome to SR. Yes my exah drank straight after detox many, many times. He felt better so he thought he was better and thought he could control his drinking. Of course he couldn't so he ended up back at square one within a few days.. He was and still is in denial and didn't commit to a program to stay sober. Detox is the beginning of a long road if an alcoholic wants recovery. Otherwise it is just a clean out to restart drinking.

I just got on with my own life and eventually we divorced. He is still drinking despite being in rehab long term 6 times. I'd suggest you read the stickies at the top of the forum page and learn all you can about what you are up against and focus on your own life and what you want. Getting a job is up to him but I never found keeping my exah busy stopped his drinking.

He drinks alone, and is never aggressive. When I confront him about it he often denies it, then agrees, apologises, and goes to bed.

Yes my exh did that too until he didn't anymore. Alcoholism is progressive. He gradually started being argumentative and his drinking sessions started to impact on all of us. My kids would find him passed out on the kitchen floor in a pool of pee. It started out for the first few years as a quiet drinking alone thing tho.

Dzhen

Thanks for your response, Ladybird. Yeaj, I'm aware that detox is just the beginning. I do think he's still in denial about how bad things are - almost as though if he agrees to just a little more treatment that that will keep me happy. He hasn't yet realised that he needs to do it for himself. Argh! I'm guessing your life is much more pleasant now you have moved on - at least relatively speaking?

dandylion

Dzhen......I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. About 100 articles...so, try to read and digest one every single day....there is sooo much to know.
Knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

****Here is one particular article from that list of 100...that I think you should read, right now....
I think it is a pretty good yardstick to know where someone is in terms of their recovery......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

Ladybird579

I'm guessing your life is much more pleasant now you have moved on - at least relatively speaking?

My life and that of my kids is 500% better since we moved on. Even tho I came out of the marriage with nothing financially, ended up in rented with my disabled sons and am disabled myself, life is so, so much happier. Just not having to deal with the crap everyday and negotiating ways of staying married to someone who didn't care either way as long as he could drink is amazing. It's been 4 years now and I am still single, living life on my terms now. I stayed 20 years with my exah. I regret not leaving sooner tbh.

Bekindalways

Welcome Dzhen. I'm so glad you found us and hope we can support you in this tough situation. Also great to hear that you are attending Alanon. Many here found it to be a life-saver.

I left my qualifier when he decided not to get any help. He swore up and down that he wasn't going to do drugs anymore. I expect he believed himself that this was what would happen however I didn't believe him.

I left to pursue my own life and believe me it was one of the toughest things I have ever done also one of the best things I have done. He progressed all the way to selling drugs. He went to jail for 3 years where he got sober. He is a bit of a miracle. As far as I know, he is still sober but he had to do it on his own time schedule not mine.

Some people decide to hang tough with their Qualifiers many of us don't. It depends on what you want out of your life. From what I understand, my qualifier's sobriety was an exception as he was doing meth. Although your qualifier is only alcoholic, the odds are not great that he will recover. Ugh.

It might be time to think about what you really want specially in light of the situation where he never does obtain sobriety. We recommend coming up with a plan of what you will do in the future given his on going alcoholism.

Big hug and welcome.

atalose

It has been my experience that when an alcoholic quits their job it usually doesn’t have anything at all to do with studying, going back to school, learning a new trade, etc. it’s all about DRINKING with nothing to get in the way of that. Ask yourself honestly about his “studying” and where that’s gotten the both of you.

His drinking and your decision have taken you away from precious time with your father and can only lead to resentment down the road.

You mentioned that you have attended counselling and Al-anon as if in the past tense. Are you actively in al-anon today and seeking therapy?

What is his response to getting a job and taking some of that financial burden off of your shoulders?

Dzhen

Thanks so much for your caring responses.

Dandylion, I've read a handful of those articles now. Thanks for recommending them. With the yardsticks, I definitely think he left detox thinking he was better than he was, but I don't think he is guilty of the others. But then I may be in denial, too!

Atalose, I had stopped attending meetings because I was tired of his alcoholism being such a huge part of my life. I guess I didn't want to be a person who needed help for someone else's problem. I've now realised that if I want to stick with him, I need to start going again. In fact he and I have just written some rules about how we are going to proceed. There are ones about him attending counselling and support groups, and we've added one about me doing the same.

As for the work, he has been trying, though I find it hard to gauge just how hard. After all, I need to go to work every day, so can't monitor him constantly. The employment market in Australia is pretty tough - I myself have been looking for alternative employment for a while now, with no luck. I have no doubt that as a middle-aged man, he is up against it. But it doesn't make it any easier for me. I do wonder whether I make things too easy for him, even though I only supply the basics (he has to pay for any 'extras', including alcohol, out of his own account).

AnvilheadII

he quit his job to.........study. besides the bottom on a booze bottle, what is he studying?

must be nice for him, no job, no real responsibility, get to stay home and drink to his heart's content, while YOU meanwhile do all the heavy lifting.

you say that him getting a job is part of him "getting better" - but he HAD a job before. did that make him better? nope, he ditched it.

maybe it's time to reflect on what is needed for YOU to be better, feel better. just blank him out of the picture for a moment, WHAT DO YOU NEED?

dandylion

Dz.....unless the alcoholic works a diligent program of sobriety with sobriety as the first priority...over everything else....and live by the principles of the program for a lifetime...relapse is likely......

Please don't quit reading and studying....there is sooo much to know....
I still learn something new, all the time......

Bekindalways

Dzhen, you might also give the book, Codependent No More a try. It is a bit of a bible around these parts.

Usually Alanon is more about our own healing and less about dealing with an alcoholic. However in the interest of full disclosure, I didn't do the Alanon route. You might try a couple of different alanon groups if you can.

Keep reading, educating yourself and posting here.

Puzzle1000

Same happened with my exabf. It's so sad looking back how we all celebrated him finally coming to his senses. All rallied around him going in. Even he was so excited for the chance to get sober. After one week in he called and said he wanted to leave - it wasn't right for him. He wasn't like the other people. They talked him into staying another week then I got the call " they are letting me out early. They think I am good to leave now". My heart sank. But I believed him and picked him up with the highest of hopes. He was on cloud nine and felt great. We kept things up and I "think" he stayed sober for almost two months. But he relapsed hard. Then tried to hide from me. It's gut wrenching when you stood by them through the work of getting sober only to see them start up again. I'm not sure how much longer mine can go on this course. He's a vodka drinker and was at the point of serious withdrawals before he went to rehab. He also lost his license and job before going in. So he's pretty much rock bottom. You are not alone my friend. Hugs.

Dzhen

Hi again and thanks for your support. Anvilhead, he gave up his job (co-director of own company) before he had an issue - at least that I knew of - and partly at my behest. The business was going downhill fast and he was heading for a nervous breakdown. He'd never been to university, and I had, so I thought it only fair he have the same opportunities I've had. I had no idea it would be so hard for him to find part-time work while he was studying, and then when he did have a good part-time job, the work ran out (they are looking to lay off even full time staff). If I'd known about the drinking I don't think I'd have encouraged him to go back to study - way too much free time. He's currently applying for government assistance to find work. As I said before, I don't really know how hard he is trying, but I do know he has tried. He's studying electronic engineering.

Dzhen

We fought today and I asked him to leave. I'm heading interstate to spend time with my sister and I said I want him gone by the time I get back. I spoke to a counsellor and she suggested that him spending time apart from me might prove to him that he's not a helpless victim and that he can do something to help himself. And of course he could just get worse. But I guess that's a risk we have to take.

From past experience, though, it's hard to get him to leave. I pointed out to him that when he stayed with his sister last time I kicked him out, he didn't drink at all. What does that say? If we stay under the same roof right now things are just going to get worse. I'm going to become more and more bitter and angry, then our marriage won't have a snowflake's chance in ...

I've said that if he can pull himself together we can talk about resuming the marriage.

Any ideas about how to manage the next steps? Has anyone been in this situation?

atalose

I think you manage by setting realistic boundaries and expectations. You want him out and away from you so that you can work on yourself and figure out which direction in life you want to go. You also want him to work on himself but you have absolutely no control over that at all. Keep in mind that no one changes in a week or two or even a month, taking him back right away based on words or some signs of change is usually our own desperate attempt at ending our own pain and fears and most often leads us right back to where we started.

Think realistically about the last time you separated and how quickly you rushed back and how much he changed, not much because look where you are today.

Bekindalways

Hi Dzhen, I don't know anything about home ownership laws in Australia. Do you have the right to kick him out? If he doesn't leave, could you find somewhere else to live?

It sounds like you have set a boundary. Usually setting boundaries are easy; it is sticking to them that is difficult.

I hope the time with your sister is healing, joyful and marvelous.

Blueskies18

My husband detoxed for the first time three months ago, he drank last week on Friday night after 75 days of sobriety. Dandylion here suggested I read a book about codependancy in January, so I bought two books and read them. I've looked into this before and made some big steps over the years, so I read them again and did lots of other things to help me. And then this week, I REALLY read melody beaton's codependent no more. I wrote down my traits... I don't have them all but Its an eye opener to see. I can see now with clarity that even though I seem smart, successful and even independent and detached at times, every minute of the day (and night) I'm putting other people before me. I can think of so many examples just from today where I caught myself. Even just thoughts I have that I caught. I think I'm even glad he drank on Friday so that I can see it. I've made some wonderful brave choices in the past etc etc, but today I really see myself more clearly than ever before. It's still too dull, and I have a lot of work. I think my issue is so profound, I can only think about working on me.


Really. Even the most innocent thing like asking him if he wants to go to the park is laced with ulterior motives in my mind (I hope he says yes because it might be good for him to get out, or, we need to spend some time together for our relationship, or, maybe we'll start doing this every week and he'll want to walk In the park more than drinking and it will prevent another relapse) Its exhausting. Every decision I make has more to do with having at least an added benefit of helping him, or not upsetting him. I challenge you, like I am challenging myself at this time every single day, to make every decision you make a decision you want to make for you, with no extra benefit for someone else, or ulterior motive. I also challenge myself to pick the restaurant the next time someone says, "you pick the restaurant." I have work ahead of me.

Bekindalways

Ugh Blueskies, you really hit the nail on the head here.

Dzhen

Thanks for this, atalose. Yeah, I think it's going to take a long time for anything to happen - or not, as the case may be. I guess it's just a gamble, but probably preferable to the misery my life has become. To be fair, I didn't rush back - he did. But I did let him stay, because I didn't have the energy to kick him out again. I've tolerated all of this, and I can see that's a mistake.

Dzhen

Hi Blueskies, this is sooo accurate. I don't think there's a moment in my day when I'm not planning something to make him better, even if I can hold back on actively giving him advice/nagging. It's probably a good thing I need to go to work, so I can at least focus on my colleagues and our clients. Sounds like I need to read some of these books, but I'm also getting a lot of information right here.