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Common Theme

Old 04-02-2018, 05:18 PM
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Common Theme

I've been wrestling with dis-satisfaction quite a bit of late. Stuck in a rut of isolation and some old habits. Not booze fortunately. 38 days.

So I came here and noticed about 1/2 dozen threads of the theme "newness wearing off" or a slip after a good solid month or two. It's the wall. I've hit it.

Driving myself a touch crazy with it in fact. My problem is that I have it figured out. I know what to do. But for whatever reason I don't do it. I'm stuck in my own head. Need to get back to action. Put a plan together, ground myself. Commit.

There it is. The word. Commit. Major issue for me. Mr. Non-committal. It's buried deep in me like a splinter I can't seem to get at.

I think it makes it worse that I am so self aware. The knowing it's there and the ignoring it makes it impossible to get any peace. Alcohol isn't an option for me right now. There are strong enough legal incentives to not drink that it's keeping me dry. But I fear becoming a dry drunk. I fear living the rest of my life knowing what I could be doing but sitting still and not growing.

It's hard to tell if I'm being hard on myself - I am in the midst of a **** storm of legal & financial issues - am I expecting too much from myself right now? There it goes again - the spinning in my own head.

It's been present for several weekends now. This is the first time I've shared it out loud. Hopefully admitting it and getting it out in the open will spark something.

I need to commit to some simple day by day promises. Little things pointed at big things.

First is to get some sleep tonight. Second is to make a list tomorrow. Gotta get grounded.

-B
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Old 04-02-2018, 05:36 PM
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I'd like to tell you that it gets better with time, but that is not my experience nor the experience of thre many people I know who suffer from this illness. I managed quite a good dry spell when I seemed to have a lot of external problems. The authorities were on my back, I had to serve a sentence of periodic detention, I was taking antabuse, but not doing anything else. In a way I think that pressure kept me away from the fatal first drink.

Then the sentence was done, I tried to resume "normal life" got more and more miserable and eventually drank, a bender that lasted almost a year. There is plenty about this in the AA Big Book, it seems to be part of the common problem.

Drinking again is not the only possible outcome. I have also seen folks in your position suddenly decide to take action on recovery and change their lives for the better. I have seen a few long timers, totally miserable, suddenly have life changing spiritual experiences. I can think of two who used to drive me nuts with over 20 years dry who are completley different people today.

It can be changed, depending on what you are willing to do, and that depends very much on how well you understand the nature of alcoholism. When someone is as alcohilic as I was, there is no middle of the road solution.
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Old 04-03-2018, 02:06 AM
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Strongly agree with what Mike wrote, as I usually do. My experience was similar: I had to tackle some very big problems- legal and financial, to name two- one step at a time. Gradually, as I got help for the former and made payment arrangements and such for the latter- these problems went away or became manageable.

I couldn't have the life I have now without complete dedication to recovery, my sober life and my program (AA). There is so much more to recovery than there is in mere sobriety. I need (ed) external help, mortal and spiritual.

It can seem insurmountable at first, and I had to work through that "fatalistic," "victim" and such thoughts and huge feelings of being overwhelmed. One step, one day at a time.

Hope you will look around at the plans people here follow successfully, and see that recovery is indeed possible, even for the worst active alcoholics among us (of which I was one). You don't have to do it alone, rely on your will or any manner of "white knuckling." It's so much easier when you don't do those kind of things.

Best to you.
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Old 04-03-2018, 06:51 AM
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Hi Buckley. In my experience, we start by moving away from the source of pain and suffering. We can only be motivated by fear and panic for so long, however. Like in war, boredom sets in and you start to miss the pain and fear a little bit. But as you know, that way lies perdition, so you have to find something good to move toward. Self love was a good start for me. I don't mean curling up in a warm blanket with a tub of Ben & Jerry's, but thinking about hey, what can I do that will enrich my life experience and give me back the self respect I once had? Just a thought.
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Old 04-03-2018, 07:36 AM
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I just re-read your post, Buckeley-
One sentence jumped out at me this time "...because I am so self aware." I thought I was when I was drinking, and realized quickly (in the first 90 days) how UN self aware I had been - I'd been selfish and certainly dealt with the face to the world/what's really inside dichotomy many feel. My road to true self-awareness - here at 25 mo and change- has really (REALLY) gone deep and wide to actually "get it" and...get myself.
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Old 04-03-2018, 08:40 AM
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There it goes again - the spinning in my own head.
I do much better when I get off the hamster wheel and focus on the present, which brings me to gratitude because hey I am sober!. From there, I meditate (pray), then I quiet my mind and listen to the answers which will point out the next right action. Repeat as necessary to stay in the present moment because this is where my future is being shaped.
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Old 04-03-2018, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
.. realized quickly (in the first 90 days) how UN self aware I had been
That is fast! I'm jealous. I think it was my third time being sober for more than 6 months when I figured out I might be the person I least understood.

I'm glad I got to know me.
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Old 04-03-2018, 04:21 PM
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Hi Buckley

it took me a lot longer than 38 days to work out who sober me was and what I wanted.

I also didn't have the energy to do much - and I was a little paralysed with fear too.

What if this is the best it ever gets?

Rest assured - things will get better - you will find your energy, you will work out who sober you is and you will work out what you want your sober life to look like.

As fir commitment. I have a commitment to keep breathing too

I think, once you build that sober life you love, you won't want to lose it and you'll find your commitment to staying sober will be as fundamental as breathing

D
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Old 04-03-2018, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Eaglelizard View Post
Hi Buckley. In my experience, we start by moving away from the source of pain and suffering. We can only be motivated by fear and panic for so long, however. Like in war, boredom sets in and you start to miss the pain and fear a little bit. But as you know, that way lies perdition, so you have to find something good to move toward. Self love was a good start for me. I don't mean curling up in a warm blanket with a tub of Ben & Jerry's, but thinking about hey, what can I do that will enrich my life experience and give me back the self respect I once had? Just a thought.
And an important thought methinks. Yes. Replacement will be key.

One sentence jumped out at me this time "...because I am so self aware." I thought I was when I was drinking, and realized quickly (in the first 90 days) how UN self aware I had been - I'd been selfish and certainly dealt with the face to the world/what's really inside dichotomy many feel. My road to true self-awareness - here at 25 mo and change- has really (REALLY) gone deep and wide to actually "get it" and...get myself.
A lot of truth to this. More than once in recent days I've wondered if my self-proclaimed gift of self-awareness is just part of the narrative I've crafted over the years to get a pay off. It's so hard right now to see what parts of me are just the old bs and what parts are legit.

That is fast! I'm jealous. I think it was my third time being sober for more than 6 months when I figured out I might be the person I least understood.
Yes. I think if I'm really honest with myself the truth is I don't know jack.
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Old 04-03-2018, 07:44 PM
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Great replies all. Thank you.

So, today was better. I wrote that post at the end of spending 4 days alone. I took a couple days off from the office. I suspect the effects isolation had built up plenty.

Immediately felt better this morning when I got busy again.

I also recognized today that much of what I posted was likely a form of that million little forms of self-centeredness. Self pity for sure. Had to remind myself again today of the many many things in my life I can be grateful for.

Had a great drive this morning - felt very inspired on some things. Will keep them to myself for now as I just work on doing a few basics routinely again. Would rather trust what I do than what I say at the moment.

B
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