Saying goodbye to my alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
Saying goodbye to my alcoholic boyfriend
Hello.
I have spent time on this site and never decided to register until today. I was involved with my boyfriend since August of 2016 and finally asked him to move out on Feb 12 of this year. The scenario is so similar to what many have already expressed...deep sense of love and connection, shared interests etc. The one sticking point was that a certain amount of whiskey would put him in a place where he would start yelling at me, accusing me of behaviors that weren't actually happening, generally treating me as a stranger rather than his ally.
When this first started to manifest i explained that I had lived with an alcoholic before and I would not be able to make space for this repeat in cruelty. He was assure me that he "was not that person" and that the behavior would not happen again. Unfortunately that was not the case. About once every two months he would add a fifth of whiskey to his normal beer-heavy routine and the yelling would start again. In December he yelled at me at my company xmas party in front of my co-workers. I asked him to leave. He spent that week with his family (who i had grown close to) and ended up writing me a beautiful letter filled with his best intentions. I took him back. Then in Feb on a day that I attended a friend's funeral (I was already emotionally spent) I asked him to meet me at a restaurant near our house, communicated that it had been a long hard day (funeral/then work/no food.) We had texted specifically about meeting time etc. including updates as to when I was headed over. I arrived at the restaurant to find he wasn't there. After about 15 minutes he showed and I asked what had happened. Then he started in, again in front of a crowd, saying I was being unreasonable and what did it matter etc I am awful etc. It was at that point I knew things had to end. He was absolutely blasted. I contained the situation to ease the discomfort of all around us. It was so humiliating. I drove us home and went quickly to bed.
I told him he needed to leave the next morning. He was shocked and hurt because he is a blackout drinker and has never remembered the hurtful things he says to me when he drinks.
He is 38 years old and again I sent him away which means living with his parents. Within four days of leaving he got himself a dui leaving a bar near his parents house. He would text me that he had quit drinking and then blow up my phone with drunken blather and blame.
I am writing because it has been wearing me down. I have read co-dependent no more, I have previously done some significant helpful therapy. What I wrestle with is the pain of "guilt" that he still tries to impose on me. I can identify so much of it as self loathing being misdirected but as a human that feels and as a person that loved him it just breaks my heart. He messages that his family misses me. All of his texts seem to falsely glamorize our breakup as two people who just weren't able to make it work when we were so clearly in love. I respond with statements attributing our distance to his alcoholism. He makes it seem as though I didn't love him enough when he was clearly and actively choosing booze over me the whole time.
I know none of this is new and I do appreciate anyone who has taken time to read this. I'm probably here mainly to own my pain in this...to protect myself from further romanticising our time together. This is such a vulnerable time because i guess i have felt responsible for his well being and I feel like i failed. I am speaking of emotions and remind myself that they don't equal fact but still...his voice is still so powerful in my head. He's reaching out to my friends and drunk messaging his self hate. He texts me late at night (when he is drinking) and tells me I am just as messed up as he is. Trust me, I make space for the truth in that. I know he is ill. But it all hurts so much. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I saw the signs and continue to see his drunken actions manifest but I feel absolutely devastated. I was naive enough to think our love was bigger than his addiction and of course that isn't how addiction works. It's hard to juggle the pain of my denial with my need to distance myself from his alcoholism without feeling like a hypocrite. How can I judge him when I clearly didn't want to see his truth either? I am probably too raw to be expressing this well at this point but maybe someone will read this and relate to a messy heart. My sincere respect for all of you who choose to share on here because this is some seriously vulnerable business.
-firecat
I have spent time on this site and never decided to register until today. I was involved with my boyfriend since August of 2016 and finally asked him to move out on Feb 12 of this year. The scenario is so similar to what many have already expressed...deep sense of love and connection, shared interests etc. The one sticking point was that a certain amount of whiskey would put him in a place where he would start yelling at me, accusing me of behaviors that weren't actually happening, generally treating me as a stranger rather than his ally.
When this first started to manifest i explained that I had lived with an alcoholic before and I would not be able to make space for this repeat in cruelty. He was assure me that he "was not that person" and that the behavior would not happen again. Unfortunately that was not the case. About once every two months he would add a fifth of whiskey to his normal beer-heavy routine and the yelling would start again. In December he yelled at me at my company xmas party in front of my co-workers. I asked him to leave. He spent that week with his family (who i had grown close to) and ended up writing me a beautiful letter filled with his best intentions. I took him back. Then in Feb on a day that I attended a friend's funeral (I was already emotionally spent) I asked him to meet me at a restaurant near our house, communicated that it had been a long hard day (funeral/then work/no food.) We had texted specifically about meeting time etc. including updates as to when I was headed over. I arrived at the restaurant to find he wasn't there. After about 15 minutes he showed and I asked what had happened. Then he started in, again in front of a crowd, saying I was being unreasonable and what did it matter etc I am awful etc. It was at that point I knew things had to end. He was absolutely blasted. I contained the situation to ease the discomfort of all around us. It was so humiliating. I drove us home and went quickly to bed.
I told him he needed to leave the next morning. He was shocked and hurt because he is a blackout drinker and has never remembered the hurtful things he says to me when he drinks.
He is 38 years old and again I sent him away which means living with his parents. Within four days of leaving he got himself a dui leaving a bar near his parents house. He would text me that he had quit drinking and then blow up my phone with drunken blather and blame.
I am writing because it has been wearing me down. I have read co-dependent no more, I have previously done some significant helpful therapy. What I wrestle with is the pain of "guilt" that he still tries to impose on me. I can identify so much of it as self loathing being misdirected but as a human that feels and as a person that loved him it just breaks my heart. He messages that his family misses me. All of his texts seem to falsely glamorize our breakup as two people who just weren't able to make it work when we were so clearly in love. I respond with statements attributing our distance to his alcoholism. He makes it seem as though I didn't love him enough when he was clearly and actively choosing booze over me the whole time.
I know none of this is new and I do appreciate anyone who has taken time to read this. I'm probably here mainly to own my pain in this...to protect myself from further romanticising our time together. This is such a vulnerable time because i guess i have felt responsible for his well being and I feel like i failed. I am speaking of emotions and remind myself that they don't equal fact but still...his voice is still so powerful in my head. He's reaching out to my friends and drunk messaging his self hate. He texts me late at night (when he is drinking) and tells me I am just as messed up as he is. Trust me, I make space for the truth in that. I know he is ill. But it all hurts so much. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I saw the signs and continue to see his drunken actions manifest but I feel absolutely devastated. I was naive enough to think our love was bigger than his addiction and of course that isn't how addiction works. It's hard to juggle the pain of my denial with my need to distance myself from his alcoholism without feeling like a hypocrite. How can I judge him when I clearly didn't want to see his truth either? I am probably too raw to be expressing this well at this point but maybe someone will read this and relate to a messy heart. My sincere respect for all of you who choose to share on here because this is some seriously vulnerable business.
-firecat
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm sorry that you are going through a painful time. I truly believe 'First the pain, then the rising'. It is often through pain that we learn what we need to know in this lifetime. You will find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you. It sounds like you gave him plenty of chances. I would suggest that the way forward is to go no contact. Block his number from your phone . There is nothing to be gained from listening to his nostalgia for an age that never existed (that's a song you know) and self-pitying nonsense.
You deserve the chance to move on.
BB
You deserve the chance to move on.
BB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
You are not his emotional dumping ground.
He's an adult, and is choosing to drink.
He did it before he met you, and he still is now that you are broken up.
The evidence is clear that you did not cause him to drink, and you cannot control his choice to drink,
but you can control the toxic texts he keeps sending you by blocking him.
That's actually good for him too in that it isn't healthy for him to blame you for what is clearly in his own control.
Quit handing him the bullets to shoot you with verbally by blocking his access to your psyche.
It's hard, but do block him or change your number.
He most likely doesn't even remember sending many of the hurtful things,
and you absorb and dwell on these messages.
That isn't fair, is it?
He's an adult, and is choosing to drink.
He did it before he met you, and he still is now that you are broken up.
The evidence is clear that you did not cause him to drink, and you cannot control his choice to drink,
but you can control the toxic texts he keeps sending you by blocking him.
That's actually good for him too in that it isn't healthy for him to blame you for what is clearly in his own control.
Quit handing him the bullets to shoot you with verbally by blocking his access to your psyche.
It's hard, but do block him or change your number.
He most likely doesn't even remember sending many of the hurtful things,
and you absorb and dwell on these messages.
That isn't fair, is it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Congrats on making a very difficult and necessary decision! Guilt is such a hard painful emotion to deal with. I'm sure you know intellectually that you are in no way responsible for his drinking, drunk texts, and behaviour, and I'm sure you already know that you've made the choice you need to make for you. We're no good to anyone else at all when we are emotionally spent and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to offer other people and I'm glad you are taking care of you
I also like the idea of blocking him. I know that hearing those messages would only make me feel more emotionally confused.
I also like the idea of blocking him. I know that hearing those messages would only make me feel more emotionally confused.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Firecat, you seem to have a pretty good take on yourself and that of your boyfriend's actions. I particularly respect the fact that you feel you do not want him to keep dumping on you.
Breaking up is hard to do, and a certain degree of mourning follows. We totally understand where you are coming from, and most of us would say we hope your BF gets help, can find his way into a sober life for himself. It's clearly his job to take care of himself, and your life to live free of all the toxic mess his drinking has created.
Hugs to you!!
Breaking up is hard to do, and a certain degree of mourning follows. We totally understand where you are coming from, and most of us would say we hope your BF gets help, can find his way into a sober life for himself. It's clearly his job to take care of himself, and your life to live free of all the toxic mess his drinking has created.
Hugs to you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
an update
There is something sweet about the moment of surrender when one (me, in this case) acknowledges they need support/help. I want that (even amidst my pain) for my alcoholic ex. That said...I would like to offer a little shout out to this forum/platform where genuine humans express precious business because this morning was the point where I needed a real reminder re: the difference in "addict" and "the man I loved truly."
This evening I received a message from ex boyfriend's sister. It was the first time I had heard from her since our breakup. It simply stated that if I did indeed care about her brother, I would stop contacting him because he needs to focus on his healing.
Ok...honestly...ouch! So much ouch! He has been drinking at night and messaging me about our lost love. He has been messaging my friends about his self loathing. I tried to make a respectful clean break. Today I received that message. My first reaction: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That was straight and pure from the gut. I paid all of our bills while we were together and never belittled him for it. I bought the very booze he needed to relax with. I am the keeper of his shared secrets that his sister will never know so oh my....how real was that pain?
I chose to respond with agreement, thanking her for reaching out...admitting that I had almost messaged her for the exact same help in distancing myself from him and then it all hit me...and I say the following with a painful amount of love...he as a current and very active addict...is having to lie to his family. They are his current support group. In no situation would it make sense that he somehow magically owned his pain and process honestly with his family. I wanted to say...but he blackout drunk texts me every night since our breakup. He threatened to kill himself. These are the reasons I haven't alienated the man that broke my heart. Instead I simply took it...the assumption that somehow it was me that was hurting him rather than his apparently secret relationship with alcohol. Of course, his family can't know of this...he doesn't acknowledge it. He lives with them again. My pride and my heart felt kicked hard and without warning but I will say this...I made the choice to acknowledge that his sister is only loving him and that is beautiful. I chose to suck it up and hold most of my tongue and say yes...i will not contact him. I didnt mention that I am often provoked to self defense by his midnight drunken assaults. I realized that addicts have to lie to themselves and their loved ones. That is where he is at with his addiction story and the one thing he sister said that resonates accurately is/was "if I cared about her brother..."
Oh i did and do. But I responded to her text articulately without revealing his secrets that aren't mine to tell. Immediately there-after i unfriended him on facebook. Some part of me was hoping for a civilized end when in all honesty I am probably a major speedbump in his addiction.
Does my heart hurt? Hell yes! I loved him genuinely. But guess what...I know, right now at least, he loves booze enough to lose me and turn his family against me. Ok. This is the part where my chapter ends. Oh my this hurts but I will attempt to exit with grace and seek outside help to deal with my unresolved emotions.
I offer this up because I was so initially stunned at being accused of causing the pain. I think I am a reminder of consequence but I never intended to be apart from him. I just wasn't willing to deal with the hurtful consequences of his addiction anymore.
Love to all of you out there reading and sharing. Today has been very pivotal for me and I beyond appreciate the responses and insights i received on my primary post. Being human is tricky. I really do respect our paths as varied as they are. I do, also, look forward to not being on the receiving end of someone's self-loathing any longer. I feel that is only fair.
This evening I received a message from ex boyfriend's sister. It was the first time I had heard from her since our breakup. It simply stated that if I did indeed care about her brother, I would stop contacting him because he needs to focus on his healing.
Ok...honestly...ouch! So much ouch! He has been drinking at night and messaging me about our lost love. He has been messaging my friends about his self loathing. I tried to make a respectful clean break. Today I received that message. My first reaction: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That was straight and pure from the gut. I paid all of our bills while we were together and never belittled him for it. I bought the very booze he needed to relax with. I am the keeper of his shared secrets that his sister will never know so oh my....how real was that pain?
I chose to respond with agreement, thanking her for reaching out...admitting that I had almost messaged her for the exact same help in distancing myself from him and then it all hit me...and I say the following with a painful amount of love...he as a current and very active addict...is having to lie to his family. They are his current support group. In no situation would it make sense that he somehow magically owned his pain and process honestly with his family. I wanted to say...but he blackout drunk texts me every night since our breakup. He threatened to kill himself. These are the reasons I haven't alienated the man that broke my heart. Instead I simply took it...the assumption that somehow it was me that was hurting him rather than his apparently secret relationship with alcohol. Of course, his family can't know of this...he doesn't acknowledge it. He lives with them again. My pride and my heart felt kicked hard and without warning but I will say this...I made the choice to acknowledge that his sister is only loving him and that is beautiful. I chose to suck it up and hold most of my tongue and say yes...i will not contact him. I didnt mention that I am often provoked to self defense by his midnight drunken assaults. I realized that addicts have to lie to themselves and their loved ones. That is where he is at with his addiction story and the one thing he sister said that resonates accurately is/was "if I cared about her brother..."
Oh i did and do. But I responded to her text articulately without revealing his secrets that aren't mine to tell. Immediately there-after i unfriended him on facebook. Some part of me was hoping for a civilized end when in all honesty I am probably a major speedbump in his addiction.
Does my heart hurt? Hell yes! I loved him genuinely. But guess what...I know, right now at least, he loves booze enough to lose me and turn his family against me. Ok. This is the part where my chapter ends. Oh my this hurts but I will attempt to exit with grace and seek outside help to deal with my unresolved emotions.
I offer this up because I was so initially stunned at being accused of causing the pain. I think I am a reminder of consequence but I never intended to be apart from him. I just wasn't willing to deal with the hurtful consequences of his addiction anymore.
Love to all of you out there reading and sharing. Today has been very pivotal for me and I beyond appreciate the responses and insights i received on my primary post. Being human is tricky. I really do respect our paths as varied as they are. I do, also, look forward to not being on the receiving end of someone's self-loathing any longer. I feel that is only fair.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well done. Don't forget to block his number on your phone as well.
It's likely to feel a bit strange at first, but that will be a transient phase.
Have you visited the friends and family area on here? Those folk have a lot of experience, wisdom and hope to share so I'd recommend it if you haven't explored there yet.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Hugs to you.
BB
It's likely to feel a bit strange at first, but that will be a transient phase.
Have you visited the friends and family area on here? Those folk have a lot of experience, wisdom and hope to share so I'd recommend it if you haven't explored there yet.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Hugs to you.
BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 26
Not sure if this helps any, but I just wanted to add; don't even for a second contemplate if any of the hurtful things he said to you may have truth to them. I've been through exactly the same thing. My boyfriend would binge drink for days and make up the most ridiculous things to say to me as evidence for calling me a horrible f**cked up person... he even made up a scenario where I grabbed him by the neck and held him against a wall, told his whole family about it, and pretty sure he believed it himself... no such thing even remotely came close to happening, I was sober throughout all of this, hell I never drink enough to get drunk. I spent a good bit of time wondering if somehow I could be crazy and doing horrible things to him without being aware of it?? I have no idea where they get these things from, but in my scenario it was absolutely not me and had nothing to do with reality. Sure we all make mistakes but once I heard him invent a story completely out of the blue that didn't even have the faintest resemblance to reality, I realized there was no reason to even give a second thought to all the horrible things he was saying to and about me. Thankfully those days are in the past for me, sounds like you can say the same. Just don't dwell on it and allow it to damage you psychologically or doubt yourself in any way.
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