New here...he wants to get better...I think
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New here...he wants to get better...I think
I'm so glad I found this forum.... I've been in such a huge need of support for so long but I work middays and evenings so its been impossible for me to get to al -anon meetings.
I've never been with or known an alcoholic personally before so I have no experience with this at all. I've been reading a lot and doing a lot of research, and going to codependents anonomous when I I can. When I first met my partner there were red flags, but I thought an alcoholic just meant someone who drank a lot... and he was fully functioning and in so many ways the most amazing person I'd ever met...he still is really.... he's a beautiful human being.
Fast forward three years, I've seen the cycle so many times... it started with drinking every day morning til night, until a crisis happened and he'd swear it off. At first the swear off periods would last less than 24 hours until he decides to get "just one shot." Then after a third DUI last year he was legally unable to drink at all for several months, which also included jail time. That was the longest I'd ever seen him go without drinking. After that of course it crept up again...just a beer at night, then a beer and a couple shots, then a beer and who knows how many shots because he's trying to hide it. Then a scary episode would happen and he'd swear it off, and make it about a week.
Anyway... he does see the cycle, he's aware of it... after a blackout episode the other night he said I'm done... I know you've heard this before but I need help, I need a therapist, I just can't drink ever again, if I have one sip of alcohol I just can't stop. Which is true. He expressed gratitude to me as well saying that if it weren't for me he'd probably have drank himself to death by now. He's expressing that he needs and wants help and is ready to change.
I know it isn't my place to do this for him...I want to help in any way I can but I know it's his own journey... I'm just so worn down by the cycle and the drama and chaos, its affected my life as well over the past three years and I'm working to get my own life back together, hence working so much, trying to focus on my own interests etc. There've been so many times I've been ready to walk away, but it hurts so goddamn much, I really care about this person and if there's even a small chance he can recover and truly wants to I want to be around to see it.
I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here.... I feel like this is just dragging on and on... part of me wants to just give up because I think he still thinks he can control it by himself... but I don't want to leave right when things might finally be changing. I can hardly picture life without him but after all these times being so close to finally walking away I've on some level come to terms with the idea. I guess what I'm asking is what can and can't I do to help...is there some way I can know if he's truly serious... or do I just wait for him to have another episode and prepare myself to walk away then...
I feel like I'm being so negative about this, but its just so hard to believe in someone when all you've ever known of them is this problem and this cycle. Thank you so much in advance
I've never been with or known an alcoholic personally before so I have no experience with this at all. I've been reading a lot and doing a lot of research, and going to codependents anonomous when I I can. When I first met my partner there were red flags, but I thought an alcoholic just meant someone who drank a lot... and he was fully functioning and in so many ways the most amazing person I'd ever met...he still is really.... he's a beautiful human being.
Fast forward three years, I've seen the cycle so many times... it started with drinking every day morning til night, until a crisis happened and he'd swear it off. At first the swear off periods would last less than 24 hours until he decides to get "just one shot." Then after a third DUI last year he was legally unable to drink at all for several months, which also included jail time. That was the longest I'd ever seen him go without drinking. After that of course it crept up again...just a beer at night, then a beer and a couple shots, then a beer and who knows how many shots because he's trying to hide it. Then a scary episode would happen and he'd swear it off, and make it about a week.
Anyway... he does see the cycle, he's aware of it... after a blackout episode the other night he said I'm done... I know you've heard this before but I need help, I need a therapist, I just can't drink ever again, if I have one sip of alcohol I just can't stop. Which is true. He expressed gratitude to me as well saying that if it weren't for me he'd probably have drank himself to death by now. He's expressing that he needs and wants help and is ready to change.
I know it isn't my place to do this for him...I want to help in any way I can but I know it's his own journey... I'm just so worn down by the cycle and the drama and chaos, its affected my life as well over the past three years and I'm working to get my own life back together, hence working so much, trying to focus on my own interests etc. There've been so many times I've been ready to walk away, but it hurts so goddamn much, I really care about this person and if there's even a small chance he can recover and truly wants to I want to be around to see it.
I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here.... I feel like this is just dragging on and on... part of me wants to just give up because I think he still thinks he can control it by himself... but I don't want to leave right when things might finally be changing. I can hardly picture life without him but after all these times being so close to finally walking away I've on some level come to terms with the idea. I guess what I'm asking is what can and can't I do to help...is there some way I can know if he's truly serious... or do I just wait for him to have another episode and prepare myself to walk away then...
I feel like I'm being so negative about this, but its just so hard to believe in someone when all you've ever known of them is this problem and this cycle. Thank you so much in advance
Welcome to SR! Definitely take some time to read through the sticky threads at the top of the forum for all kinds of great information that will help you get started on your journey through all of this.
Well, you're here today asking questions following his latest blackout event.
What's HE doing about it?
I think that's a pretty easy test of his sincerity/commitment to sobriety, don't you?
is there some way I can know if he's truly serious
What's HE doing about it?
I think that's a pretty easy test of his sincerity/commitment to sobriety, don't you?
curiouskarma....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are about 100 of them...so, there is enough for you to read and digest one every single day..
There I s sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power.....
Also, I suggest that you read the book..."Co-dependent No More"...it is highly recommended by most on this forum...I think you will find much of it jumping off the page.... and, it is an easy read....
I really don't think that y ou should be living like this....we were put on this earth to thrive...not just exist in misery.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
**********I am calling your attention to this following article...from the 100 that I mentioned. I think it would be a good one for you to read, right now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
There I s sooo much to know....
Knowledge is power.....
Also, I suggest that you read the book..."Co-dependent No More"...it is highly recommended by most on this forum...I think you will find much of it jumping off the page.... and, it is an easy read....
I really don't think that y ou should be living like this....we were put on this earth to thrive...not just exist in misery.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
**********I am calling your attention to this following article...from the 100 that I mentioned. I think it would be a good one for you to read, right now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Thank you for the responses...
True, it's been a couple days and he hasn't taken any action yet to get help...he's away working for three days now... I reminded him this morning and he says he'll work on it when he gets back, and thanked me for reminding him...Maybe he will maybe not ... I'm just going to focus on myself and see what happens. I think I'm ready to walk away if I see one more shot bottle ever....I just hate that it's dragging on so long, I'm frustrated with being lied to. I guess there's a chance he really will get help, but all I can do is wait and see and I feel like I have my own life on hold in the meantime.
True, it's been a couple days and he hasn't taken any action yet to get help...he's away working for three days now... I reminded him this morning and he says he'll work on it when he gets back, and thanked me for reminding him...Maybe he will maybe not ... I'm just going to focus on myself and see what happens. I think I'm ready to walk away if I see one more shot bottle ever....I just hate that it's dragging on so long, I'm frustrated with being lied to. I guess there's a chance he really will get help, but all I can do is wait and see and I feel like I have my own life on hold in the meantime.
I heard this here at SR, and I think it applies to your situation: "Never make anyone a priority who makes you an option." Honestly, do you feel you're being treated like a priority? Truly?
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With my husband I could see the wheels of the mind spinning. But it took a while for him to take Action. I think that's really the next step toward change.
Per your post, sounds like you have been hurt these last 3 years with this cycle of addiction. Really good you have begun to focus on your own health and happiness. I found myself lost in an emotional swirl for a while there and it was miserable. I took action before my husband did and went to see a therapist. Its was so hard to think clearly when I was both emotional and confused.
You can help him by taking care of yourself, and educating your self on alcohol use disorder. This site isn't a medical one and so it doesn't hold this info. Learn about how addiction works in the brain, different types of treatment, and recommendations for family and friends who want to support recovery effort. (while also caring for self). Read the info on this site to see posts from many family/friends who have had to deal with this issue. (Beware a lot of people post when they are upset or in crisis and not so much at other times). Read from other forums on this site also. Newcomers has a nice mix of topics and its been helpful for me to read shares by people who are trying to change behaviors and find sobriety, deal with the damage addiction caused in their life.
The cycle of behavior you mentioned - I think a lot of that can be explained by the brain function. Here is a segment from a thread on the addicted brain:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...lic-brain.html (Alcoholic Brain)
Per your post, sounds like you have been hurt these last 3 years with this cycle of addiction. Really good you have begun to focus on your own health and happiness. I found myself lost in an emotional swirl for a while there and it was miserable. I took action before my husband did and went to see a therapist. Its was so hard to think clearly when I was both emotional and confused.
You can help him by taking care of yourself, and educating your self on alcohol use disorder. This site isn't a medical one and so it doesn't hold this info. Learn about how addiction works in the brain, different types of treatment, and recommendations for family and friends who want to support recovery effort. (while also caring for self). Read the info on this site to see posts from many family/friends who have had to deal with this issue. (Beware a lot of people post when they are upset or in crisis and not so much at other times). Read from other forums on this site also. Newcomers has a nice mix of topics and its been helpful for me to read shares by people who are trying to change behaviors and find sobriety, deal with the damage addiction caused in their life.
The cycle of behavior you mentioned - I think a lot of that can be explained by the brain function. Here is a segment from a thread on the addicted brain:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...lic-brain.html (Alcoholic Brain)
"An individual with executive dysfunction may not be able to anticipate and plan for the future, making the associated decisions," explained Ester M. Nakamura-Palacios, associate professor and senior scientist at the Federal University of Espírito Santo in Brazil as well as corresponding author for the study. "They may be unable to solve problems, even simple ones, and have difficulties focusing their attention or concentrating on something. They may get stuck in one response or one thought, showing inflexible behavior or thinking, or be unable to change their response when facing a new situation demanding a new or different direction. Notably, they may have difficulties controlling their own behavior, losing the ability to inhibit inadequate or even injurious behaviors."
"For many people, but especially for those who investigate the brain and its functioning, the frontal lobes are those structures that represent best the nature of humanity," said J. Leon Morales-Quezada, a research associate in the Neuromodulation Laboratory at Harvard Medical School. "These lobes located in the front of the whole brain are the governors of our behavior and are responsible for the acts that separate the homo 'thinker' sapiens from the rest of the animal kingdom. The frontal lobes control and inhibit our primal impulses; this inhibition of such impulses prevents us from taking dangerous risks, or behaving in a deviant way, and facilitates our living as a community."
"An alcoholic who is a highly skilled professional, for example, an engineer or professor, may be perfectly able to perform regular duties such as temporal and spatial orientation, naming things, and calculations. However, this highly skilled person may be frontally impaired and unable to change or control their use of alcohol or drugs, even knowing that this behavior was and is harmful, or make important decisions in urgent situations. Imagine this highly skilled alcoholic subject driving on a road and a soccer ball unexpectedly crosses in front of his or her car, likely followed by a child. Most of us would bring together all faculties needed to evaluate the situation, the possible consequences, and quickly take action, even if you hurt yourself. What if someone is unable to execute these functions in a proper way?"
"Frontal impairment is a hallmark in alcoholism and also in other drug addictions," said Nakamura-Palacios, "yet many gaps still remain regarding our understanding of this disorder. The consequences of alcohol and drug use among youth are especially worrisome as they occur during a time when the prefrontal cortex is still maturing. Behavioral changes may not be seen when they are still young but they become more apparent in adult age, when they are required to take responsibilities for many aspects of their lives. Unfortunately, we are still making late diagnoses, especially for alcoholism, when these structural brain changes are already established."
"Perhaps this research will help relatives of those suffering from this condition to better understand some of the problems they see, especially how difficult is for an alcoholic to control his/her impulses towards alcohol or their behaviors affecting other people," said Morales-Quezada. "Alcohol represents physical damage to the brain and a direct attack on its functions; the chronic toxicity of alcohol leads to aberrant behaviors that perpetuate the entrapped cycle of an addiction."
"For many people, but especially for those who investigate the brain and its functioning, the frontal lobes are those structures that represent best the nature of humanity," said J. Leon Morales-Quezada, a research associate in the Neuromodulation Laboratory at Harvard Medical School. "These lobes located in the front of the whole brain are the governors of our behavior and are responsible for the acts that separate the homo 'thinker' sapiens from the rest of the animal kingdom. The frontal lobes control and inhibit our primal impulses; this inhibition of such impulses prevents us from taking dangerous risks, or behaving in a deviant way, and facilitates our living as a community."
"An alcoholic who is a highly skilled professional, for example, an engineer or professor, may be perfectly able to perform regular duties such as temporal and spatial orientation, naming things, and calculations. However, this highly skilled person may be frontally impaired and unable to change or control their use of alcohol or drugs, even knowing that this behavior was and is harmful, or make important decisions in urgent situations. Imagine this highly skilled alcoholic subject driving on a road and a soccer ball unexpectedly crosses in front of his or her car, likely followed by a child. Most of us would bring together all faculties needed to evaluate the situation, the possible consequences, and quickly take action, even if you hurt yourself. What if someone is unable to execute these functions in a proper way?"
"Frontal impairment is a hallmark in alcoholism and also in other drug addictions," said Nakamura-Palacios, "yet many gaps still remain regarding our understanding of this disorder. The consequences of alcohol and drug use among youth are especially worrisome as they occur during a time when the prefrontal cortex is still maturing. Behavioral changes may not be seen when they are still young but they become more apparent in adult age, when they are required to take responsibilities for many aspects of their lives. Unfortunately, we are still making late diagnoses, especially for alcoholism, when these structural brain changes are already established."
"Perhaps this research will help relatives of those suffering from this condition to better understand some of the problems they see, especially how difficult is for an alcoholic to control his/her impulses towards alcohol or their behaviors affecting other people," said Morales-Quezada. "Alcohol represents physical damage to the brain and a direct attack on its functions; the chronic toxicity of alcohol leads to aberrant behaviors that perpetuate the entrapped cycle of an addiction."
Then after a third DUI last year he was legally unable to drink at all for several months, which also included jail time. That was the longest I'd ever seen him go without drinking.
I know you've heard this before but I need help, I need a therapist, I just can't drink ever again, if I have one sip of alcohol I just can't stop.
He's expressing that he needs and wants help and is ready to change.
He's expressing that he needs and wants help and is ready to change.
I'm just so worn down by the cycle and the drama and chaos, its affected my life as well over the past three years and I'm working to get my own life back together, hence working so much, trying to focus on my own interests etc. There've been so many times I've been ready to walk away, but it hurts so goddamn much, I really care about this person and if there's even a small chance he can recover and truly wants to I want to be around to see it.
The people I know who deep down really want to stop drinking, they take action now, today not somewhere down the road or next week or when the weather changes.
Nothing says you can’t walk away, allow time to pass and see what direction he actually heads in. You being present in his life is not the key to him finding sobriety. As a matter of fact it may be hindering that because he can drink and you remain as if that drinking doesn’t really bother you or have an effect on your life.
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And I have done a bit of research on how alcoholism affects the brain.... its making it hard for me to blame him. I see it as not entirely his fault... its a disease... I feel he can recover but I don't think he understands what that'll take....
I have read Codependent No More as well but that was awhile ago.
. its a disease... I feel he can recover but I don't think he understands what that'll take....
You don’t get over alcoholism by stopping to drink. You recover by creating a new life where it is easier to NOT drink. If they don’t create a new life, then all the factors that brought them to drink will catch up with them again.
A daily commitment not to drink with a strong plan in place that has support and resources to help them abstain, each and every single day for the rest of their lives is what recovery is.
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Thank you... your husband finally did take action and recover? It's so hard to find success stories it seems....
And I have done a bit of research on how alcoholism affects the brain.... its making it hard for me to blame him. I see it as not entirely his fault... its a disease... I feel he can recover but I don't think he understands what that'll take....
I have read Codependent No More as well but that was awhile ago.
And I have done a bit of research on how alcoholism affects the brain.... its making it hard for me to blame him. I see it as not entirely his fault... its a disease... I feel he can recover but I don't think he understands what that'll take....
I have read Codependent No More as well but that was awhile ago.
Im one that doesn't think addiction is a choice. People become addicted because of changes in the brain. The brain is very powerful and keeps them stuck. It takes time for the brain to heal and for habits and behaviors to change. Relapse is common even when a person wants to stop and for that no, I don't hold it against my husband. But what was challenging for me as a family member was making sure I took care of myself. Everyone is affected differently by another persons drinking. So setting boundaries for ourselves is important so we stay sane and safe. And then there is being happy and being able to live the life we want to live. Even though it can be painful to let go of someone we love. Sometimes it has to be done because we truly know we will never be happy, have the things we want in life, or know they will never be able to be the partner we need or want. That can happen for so many reasons other than addiction. But with addiction (and other things too) we often wait and wait for change to happen. he will grow up, he will stop working so much, he wont drink so much, he will want to have kids.. whatever it is we are waiting for - we can pay a price for waiting as many here can attest.
So just keep your eyes open and remember yourself and your needs, wants and wishes!
And I have done a bit of research on how alcoholism affects the brain.... its making it hard for me to blame him. I see it as not entirely his fault... its a disease... I feel he can recover but I don't think he understands what that'll take....
I have read Codependent No More as well but that was awhile ago.
I have read Codependent No More as well but that was awhile ago.
So he can't manage to take the initial baby steps of even addressing his admitted issues but traveling for work for 3 days, yeah - no sweat? Think about that..... (and keep reading & observing)
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I know, it doesn't make sense... work is only an hour away yet he needs to stay there for three days without coming home....
He just texted me saying he talked to a friend who encouraged him as well, so now he's going to come home tonight and try to find help.
I just went online and found a counselor I can afford for myself, and reached out. Took about 5 minutes lol...
I'm just finding it so hard to focus on myself and my own needs while I'm so worried about him and his addiction. I have a job that I'm not doing and four horses to take care of. I feel I need help as much as he does; his drinking is causing me more suffering than it's causing him I'm afraid.
He just texted me saying he talked to a friend who encouraged him as well, so now he's going to come home tonight and try to find help.
I just went online and found a counselor I can afford for myself, and reached out. Took about 5 minutes lol...
I'm just finding it so hard to focus on myself and my own needs while I'm so worried about him and his addiction. I have a job that I'm not doing and four horses to take care of. I feel I need help as much as he does; his drinking is causing me more suffering than it's causing him I'm afraid.
I'm just finding it so hard to focus on myself and my own needs while I'm so worried about him and his addiction. I have a job that I'm not doing and four horses to take care of. I feel I need help as much as he does; his drinking is causing me more suffering than it's causing him I'm afraid.
All that stress removes our quality of life - I became someone I couldn't recognize, and didn't even like anymore. The stress was killing me, and it was a horrible realization that it was only up to me, to fix it all for only me.
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Welcome. I understand. I used to be a mess whose every thought and feeling revolved around my alcoholic husband. I had to learn to be comfortable with myself and have a fulfilling life whether the alcoholic was drinking or not. Some of the quotes I held on to were, "out of great chaos comes beauty", and "when one door closes, another one opens... It's the dark hallways in-between that scare us". I framed things in whatever way I needed to to stay calm. I was entirely ready to leave my husband when I needed to, money put away, educated myself, had single mother friends my children and I did family things with, and I was strong enough to separate. I ended up making a personal decision not to. That was twenty years ago. The irony is that recently my AH went to rehab and got sober and I've slid back into not caring for myself and focusing too many thoughts on him, helping him, not leaving him if he wants me to stay home etc. I think this drives us both crazy tbh. So, you've come to the right place, and so have I. I'm also finding that my alanon muscles aren't completely atrophied and I'm glad to be back going to meetings. I hope your councellor helps you, that you give alanon a good try, and find peace.
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He's expressing that he needs and wants help and is ready to change.
Yeah my exah did that for 20 years...4 years post divorce he's still drinking. Good news is tho you can live your own life regardless of if he sobers up or not.
I know, it doesn't make sense... work is only an hour away yet he needs to stay there for three days without coming home....
I don't want to put ideas in your head but my exah used to clear off for a few days at a time and drink and other women were a feature.
Yeah my exah did that for 20 years...4 years post divorce he's still drinking. Good news is tho you can live your own life regardless of if he sobers up or not.
I know, it doesn't make sense... work is only an hour away yet he needs to stay there for three days without coming home....
I don't want to put ideas in your head but my exah used to clear off for a few days at a time and drink and other women were a feature.
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You know, I find it interesting how F&F members can quickly jump on the bus of their qualifier being "unable" to manage their own recovery needs due to their disease, all the while saying that they function just perfectly fine in so many other super important areas of life that engage many of the same processes - work, hobbies, indulgences - any shortage of alcoholics holding up under the pressure of those decisions & deadlines? Not really? Not until it's SO far progressed that their organs are literally saturated from years of alcoholic drinking? hmmmm..........
So he can't manage to take the initial baby steps of even addressing his admitted issues but traveling for work for 3 days, yeah - no sweat? Think about that..... (and keep reading & observing)
So he can't manage to take the initial baby steps of even addressing his admitted issues but traveling for work for 3 days, yeah - no sweat? Think about that..... (and keep reading & observing)
no excuses, but I think it's a little more complex.
Maybe he stays away for ˝ the week so that he can drink uninterrupted, when he wants, the amount he wants and not have to sneak it.
I think at times we can mirror the alcoholic with our own insanity. They are obsessed with drinking, obsessive thoughts of drinking and we become obsessed with them, like our own addiction with our own obsessive thoughts about them.
I am glad you found a counselor and hopefully you can actually make and get to an appointment and begin getting your obsession under control.
I think at times we can mirror the alcoholic with our own insanity. They are obsessed with drinking, obsessive thoughts of drinking and we become obsessed with them, like our own addiction with our own obsessive thoughts about them.
I am glad you found a counselor and hopefully you can actually make and get to an appointment and begin getting your obsession under control.
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