Opinion
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Opinion
Was thinking about calling my sons girlfriend just to ask her if she would please write an explanation as to why she is leaving. Our counselor felt it would be helpful for our son to know. I realize she told him during their disagreement about 6 weeks ago that she was thinking about leaving but he didn't believer her.
I would also like to know how much he drinks and smokes weed a day and how much he spends on it as well.
I am not there, but across the country so I have no clue.
I am not asking her to rethink. I understand she wants her life back!
I don't blame her. I want my life back too.
This is his consequence for not getting help earlier. I don't pay for anything for him but she has for the last 2 years. It will be extremely hard for him to go it alone but it can be done if he gets his act together.
I would also like to know how much he drinks and smokes weed a day and how much he spends on it as well.
I am not there, but across the country so I have no clue.
I am not asking her to rethink. I understand she wants her life back!
I don't blame her. I want my life back too.
This is his consequence for not getting help earlier. I don't pay for anything for him but she has for the last 2 years. It will be extremely hard for him to go it alone but it can be done if he gets his act together.
Last edited by Seren; 04-30-2018 at 03:15 AM.
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Was thinking about calling my sons girlfriend just to ask her if she would please write an explanation as to why she is leaving
not getting an explaination is his consequence for not getting help earlier.
reads like she already told him but hes in denial. so no, i dont see it changing matters.
not getting an explaination is his consequence for not getting help earlier.
reads like she already told him but hes in denial. so no, i dont see it changing matters.
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If you are interested in the well being of the girlfriend, by all means call. If you would be calling out of interest in the well being of your son, don't call. The best way to support your son is by his side (not physically), as opposed to being in front or behind.
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we are all working through life with a hula-hoop; round and round it goes, representing our life's labor. But we are certain to let it fall to the ground when we attempt to leave our space and hula-hoop for someone else's.
We see their ring slip off the hips and fall to the ground. We want to fix it, so we go intervene. Someone else is hula-hooping far too fast, so we go to slow them down. Another person has her hoop up dangling around her head -- completely unacceptable -- so we attempt to put it in its proper place.
You can't hula someone else's hoop without messing up your own efforts. You can observe, advise, cheer and offer support, but as soon as you try to do it for someone else, you get into trouble yourself.
We see their ring slip off the hips and fall to the ground. We want to fix it, so we go intervene. Someone else is hula-hooping far too fast, so we go to slow them down. Another person has her hoop up dangling around her head -- completely unacceptable -- so we attempt to put it in its proper place.
You can't hula someone else's hoop without messing up your own efforts. You can observe, advise, cheer and offer support, but as soon as you try to do it for someone else, you get into trouble yourself.
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094 
just thought leaving without anything is really hard. Like she is just vanishing plus taking the dog. That is the part that will more than likely crush him the worst
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First, our counselor recommended doing an intervention that is why I hired one. This is our last attempt to help him see what his addiction is doing to his life. He has no friends or family where he is so the thought of him being all alone scares me plus he will be calling me constantly and threatening suicide.
The letter is to just confirm that she left due to his drinking and not changing after so many years.
If he refuses help, we are leaving. Not sure what will happen to him and his pets.
Yes, I kind of know how my son will be because we went through this before only she wasn't leaving to move back home. Every time there is a break up he is suicidal.
The letter is to just confirm that she left due to his drinking and not changing after so many years.
If he refuses help, we are leaving. Not sure what will happen to him and his pets.
Yes, I kind of know how my son will be because we went through this before only she wasn't leaving to move back home. Every time there is a break up he is suicidal.
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I hope the intervention goes the way you hope it will and that your son takes the help he needs.
If it were me, I would leave the girlfriend alone and allow her to extract herself from this situation as she sees best for herself, not how you feel it would be best for your son.
The question is not whether she leaves a letter confirming why she is leaving, but whether or not he is ready to accept what he already knows.
If it were me, I would leave the girlfriend alone and allow her to extract herself from this situation as she sees best for herself, not how you feel it would be best for your son.
The question is not whether she leaves a letter confirming why she is leaving, but whether or not he is ready to accept what he already knows.
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My sister's ex died last year of a heroin overdose. His mom is, get this... a chemical dependency counselor. He had to keep up the appearance of not using even though he was.
Speaking to a specialist who has never met your son about what's best for him is not helping. Planning an intervention on the brink of a traumatic break up is not helping. Crossing all sorts of boundaries and using sneaky maneuvers to gain ammunition on how much he drinks is not helping. If he comes to you asking for help regarding his addiction, that's when you can and should act. But it has to be HIS DECISION. Meanwhile you don't need to continue to emotionally enable, coddle, control, and set him up for an even lower bottom. If you really want him to change you need to do the same. It's extremely vital that you stop obsessing over him start looking at yourself.
Speaking to a specialist who has never met your son about what's best for him is not helping. Planning an intervention on the brink of a traumatic break up is not helping. Crossing all sorts of boundaries and using sneaky maneuvers to gain ammunition on how much he drinks is not helping. If he comes to you asking for help regarding his addiction, that's when you can and should act. But it has to be HIS DECISION. Meanwhile you don't need to continue to emotionally enable, coddle, control, and set him up for an even lower bottom. If you really want him to change you need to do the same. It's extremely vital that you stop obsessing over him start looking at yourself.
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In short, no, I don't.
I agree with the comments above.
Difficult to stay out of a child's "situations"- my parents certainly experienced this with me and I am currently experiencing it (though to a lesser degree) with my 19 year old step son who is making seriously bad life choices (not drugs but a relationship situation that may have dire consequences).
I will also add that when I decided to leave an abusive (and alcoholic) bf that I lived with, it was unhelpful (to say the very least) when his mother dared to call me. The gall, and the arrogance and the interference and the....it put me in a terrible situation- I was making the hard albeit best decision to leave and she questioned it?! That's some BS right there. Oh, and not her business.
Learning to stay in my lane- and not get involved with others' situations or get in their lanes as we say in AA- has been a significant type of growth in my recovery.
Best to you.
I agree with the comments above.
Difficult to stay out of a child's "situations"- my parents certainly experienced this with me and I am currently experiencing it (though to a lesser degree) with my 19 year old step son who is making seriously bad life choices (not drugs but a relationship situation that may have dire consequences).
I will also add that when I decided to leave an abusive (and alcoholic) bf that I lived with, it was unhelpful (to say the very least) when his mother dared to call me. The gall, and the arrogance and the interference and the....it put me in a terrible situation- I was making the hard albeit best decision to leave and she questioned it?! That's some BS right there. Oh, and not her business.
Learning to stay in my lane- and not get involved with others' situations or get in their lanes as we say in AA- has been a significant type of growth in my recovery.
Best to you.
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We planned out flying out there to just be there for him. We live across the country and if he called needing us I just couldn't leave at the drop of a hat esp. with work. After planning to at least be closer to him, the counselor who may I add seen my son a few years ago when he lived at home and was going through issues with his first girlfriend and alcohol.
He suggested an intervention due to the fact that it has been going on now 6+ years with the alcohol and weed. Life couldn't get much lower with his girlfriend and dog leaving so he felt it was a good time to do one.
I was not going to beg and plead that the gf stays. Not at all. I understand and would not want my daughter in that situation. Just wanted to see if she planned on leaving a short note explaining that she couldn't take it anymore. Thought it would help that is all. They are going to the gym together, etc. and living day by day like nothing is wrong. Even though she warned him he asked her to give him time to change.... He hasn't changed. Vanishing to me without a brief note seems very harsh after being together for 6 years.
He suggested an intervention due to the fact that it has been going on now 6+ years with the alcohol and weed. Life couldn't get much lower with his girlfriend and dog leaving so he felt it was a good time to do one.
I was not going to beg and plead that the gf stays. Not at all. I understand and would not want my daughter in that situation. Just wanted to see if she planned on leaving a short note explaining that she couldn't take it anymore. Thought it would help that is all. They are going to the gym together, etc. and living day by day like nothing is wrong. Even though she warned him he asked her to give him time to change.... He hasn't changed. Vanishing to me without a brief note seems very harsh after being together for 6 years.
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Vanishing to me without a brief note seems very harsh after being together for 6 years.
HB, read the previous sentence before this one.
shes probably talked enough about it with him,dont you think? she warned him even,right? so why does she need to try and explain it again?
take a few minutes to take yourself out of your sons shoes and step into hers.
however, you are allowed to feel how you want- you can feel its harsh.
she doesnt have to feel that way,but maybe she even feels it is harsh yet NOTHING has changed in 6 years and shes probably done talking.
6 years of HER going through whats shes gone through is harsh.
you may not like her decisions, but i hope you can accept them without trying to manipulate her into getting your way.
HB, read the previous sentence before this one.
shes probably talked enough about it with him,dont you think? she warned him even,right? so why does she need to try and explain it again?
take a few minutes to take yourself out of your sons shoes and step into hers.
however, you are allowed to feel how you want- you can feel its harsh.
she doesnt have to feel that way,but maybe she even feels it is harsh yet NOTHING has changed in 6 years and shes probably done talking.
6 years of HER going through whats shes gone through is harsh.
you may not like her decisions, but i hope you can accept them without trying to manipulate her into getting your way.
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Vanishing to me without a brief note seems very harsh after being together for 6 years.
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He "threatens" suicide.
And how does everyone around him react to that? Sounds like the girlfriend comes back and mom jumps in to comfort him and beg him to not do it and offering up money and help, then I'm guessing mom also ramps up her "support" and calls every day offering help.
Negative attention is better than no attention. An addict in their addiction doesn't get a lot of good attention unless he/she makes suicide threats - then everyone jumps in with, "love and support." To an addict, everyone's life must revolve around his/her current drama. He's good at this manipulation.
I have no way of knowing if he would actually do it - but why not just call the police or 911 when/if he threatens? They can get him real help if he's serious, and maybe he won't make an idle threat again if he's not.
And how does everyone around him react to that? Sounds like the girlfriend comes back and mom jumps in to comfort him and beg him to not do it and offering up money and help, then I'm guessing mom also ramps up her "support" and calls every day offering help.
Negative attention is better than no attention. An addict in their addiction doesn't get a lot of good attention unless he/she makes suicide threats - then everyone jumps in with, "love and support." To an addict, everyone's life must revolve around his/her current drama. He's good at this manipulation.
I have no way of knowing if he would actually do it - but why not just call the police or 911 when/if he threatens? They can get him real help if he's serious, and maybe he won't make an idle threat again if he's not.
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