milly4me

I've got 77 days sober.

I've had some urges in those days. I've had way too many social outings where alcohol was around. I've felt some temptation, but not too bad. I never felt in danger of partaking. Early on there was a death of a friend . . . and a funeral . . . That was the biggest test of my resolve to stay sober.

Then four days ago there was a stressful meeting I had to attend. It was a bit triggering. It reminded me of the stress from the funeral.

Apparently stressful things are triggering to me.

Apparently social things, not so much.

Right?

That's what my AV is saying. I think it's my AV talking to me.

The day after the meeting, I got that usual AV chatter, "Good job handling the stress. You deserve one." I thought I could swat that thought right out of my mind. But I couldn't. It nagged and nagged and nagged at me. "Go on . . . have a drink. Winding down, socializing with drinks . . . that's not a problem for you."

I actually poured myself a drink. Crazy. By the GRACE OF GOD I poured it back into the bottle. I told myself, I will drink it tomorrow.

As I was falling asleep I heard a small but clear voice say, "That's your AV talking. She lies". Honestly, I HEARD a voice. I think I'm going crazy.

The next day that damn voice (thought?) chattered and chattered and chattered. I went for a walk. I listened to music. I urged surfed. I read, and read and read here on SR. It lasted allllll day. Finally at about 6 o'clock, I just screamed (in my head) "SHUT UP! You can have that damn drink you want so bad tomorrow. Just SHUT UP". And it worked. It went away.

Now I'm on day 3 of the chatter. It won't relent. I've tried telling it to shut up, but it just isn't listening to me today. When I say to myself, "just today . . . I won't drink . . . just today" it's like my brain knows I'm just trying to trick it.

I feel like I'm losing it. I sound crazy, right?

Does anyone know what I should do? It's like there is a battle over my soul. This is nuts.

I have a couple of hours before the liquor stores close. I know I won't drive there myself. I don't know why I know that, I just do. I can send my hubby for wine at a moments notice. It's been an obsessive thought. I sent him across town to buy me a cup of decafe coffee at a gas station that has strangely good tasting coffee. I don't actually want the coffee. I just kept thinking I'm going to ask him to buy me wine unless I ask him to buy me something else.

Arg!

Dee74

Hi Milly

when I felt my resolve slipping I redoubled my efforts.

I really didn't think I had another bender in me - I knew there was a good chance I would make it out the other side.

I've already given you the recovery action plan link in another thread - you may get some ideas there

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

I also encourage you to re-read your past posts - get a real idea of what your past was like, and the path thats taken you to where you are today at 77 days.

Before 90 days is a little hard - it's long enough for us to forget the worst of our addiction, yet not yet quite long enough to experience the full awesomeness of recovery.

I had to run on faith sometimes - faith in the sense I was on the right road.
I believe you are too

There's a lot of inspiration in this link as well.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (101 Helpful Hints For Recovery)

I always regretted a relapse. Never regretted not drinking.
Stay with us - you won't regret it either.

D

Gettingcloser

Hi Milly4me,
Just sending words of support. It is awesome that you are fighting for your sobriety and winning. If you give into the AV you know the outcome. That is the bull**** part about the AV. You know the outcome as well as you know your own name yet the AV still has a chance to win this argument. I have had my share of relapses and each one got more ugly and hopeless. You know that drinking is not an option. Hang in there and keep posting. The AV will wither and recede.

Delilah1

Hi Milly,

Dee's advice is spot on as always.

What supports do you have other than SR? I have found mindfulness and exercise great outlets to replace drinking. I also still log on here and read and post daily.

What can you do tonight to occupy your time until the shops close?

least

Don't throw away your sobriety because of a voice that lies to you.

Recovery gets better, and easier, with time. Hang in there.

milly4me

Omgosh, yes Dee this post is very helpful to me.

I think I know what you are saying about rereading my former posts. Of course, the social drinking situations haven't been super easy, no worries. I remember posting how tempted I've been. I KNOW it's this crazy AV rewriting history. See I KNOW this . . . and yet 15 minutes from now I may NOT know it. And sometimes my crazy brain believes two opposing things at the same time regarding alcohol being a problem/not being a problem socially.

What you said about "faith" is very helpful. Palmersage said the same thing on the Jan 2018 thread. I do feel like there is a void that can only be bridged by some type of "faith" right now; like I just need to TRUST the sobriety is the RIGHT and ONLY path for me despite what my AV is whispering.

In so many ways, I feel crazy right now. I suppose it's just my brain rewiring itself, huh? Just some crossed wires before it's all worked out for the better.

I am doubling down . . . I will read the links.

Thanks for helping me get through this.

milly4me

Yes, EXACTLY! I KNOW the outcome . . . and like you said the AV may still win. I have to be vigilant. The AV is NOT going to win this time!

milly4me

[QUOTE=Delilah1;6842941]Hi Milly,

Dee's advice is spot on as always.

What supports do you have other than SR? I have found mindfulness and exercise great outlets to replace drinking. I also still log on here and read and post daily.

What can you do tonight to occupy your time until the shops close?[/QUOTE

You bring up a good point regarding mindfulness and exercise. I've been using these too these last 77 days. Both my mediation class and spinning classes were cancelled today due to Good Friday. This is likely contributing to my distress. I hadn't even considered that. Thanks.

milly4me

Thank you for this. I'm holding you to the promise it gets better! lol

least

When I was early on, it was suggested that I start to practice gratitude every day. I did, tho it was hard at first as I was still depressed and thought I had nothing to be grateful for. But I thought about it and realized how blessed I am.

My sobriety got a lot stronger after I started making gratitude part of my routine. And gratitude makes us happier too.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

August252015

Glad you shared.

I highlighted what I think are the most important parts of your post and question: what should I do?

I believe that LIFE is a trigger, if anything is (I don't really believe in triggers bc, well, we are alcoholics so anything and everything just has to be handled).

I don't keep alcohol in the house. We don't even have any glasses meant for alcoholic bevs, and we aren't having any served at our wedding in Dec - just to give a couple examples.

I was very (VERY) slow to add social activities into my agenda. I'm just past 25 mo and change now and while I am not afraid I will drink, I a) don't want to do a lot of the social things that seemed important before b) I believe a relapse starts well before that first drink c) always choose how I spend my time with care (which is different than caution - and most importantly, I put my recovery before absolutely everything else.

Since you use the term "AV" I am guessing you use a different program than AA (I am not as familiar with whether this acronym comes from AVRT/Smart/such) - my crucial question is:

Are you working that program? Diligently, daily, as your top priority?

That's what I do and life is sane, joyful, much less "chatter-full" and the like.

Best to you. Keep going.

Mountainmanbob

As I did too many times, deceived myself once again.

I've been around long enough to know that we need to hang on to this sobriety thing because it is so precious. I have seen many that went back out drinking and ended up dying a drunk. In most cases it's a terrible death.

My wife, friends and neighbors have not suffered because of me and my drinking for a long time.

M-Bob

Rar

Me too. I'm just a few days ahead of you. (My 80th day today). I know I don't really want a drink. I just want to feel better. I want the tenseness and anxiety to go away. My AV starts getting noisy around 3:00 p.m. and is relentless until around 6:30. As it gets closer to another day done, I start to feel better and I'm glad I didn't cave.

You (we) have only a few days until 90 days and then 100. You (we) can do this. Have to trust that it's going to get better and better. Hang in there. ((HUG))

Berrybean

For Milly and anyone else struggling over the Easter hols because their usual routine or support network is disrupted, please know that AA meetings will carry on as usual. There is no need to phone ahead or register or book if you haven't been before. You can just turn up (best to arrive 5 to 10 mins before the meeting starts to get comfy and grab a coffee). Newcomers are always, always, always welcome.

BB

August252015

We have made it a point to go every holiday (even 4th of July) and while meetings are often packed, it's a ritual my husband and I both like (we go to regular mtgs but a holiday just feels different).

To add to what BB said- if you can't go to a mtg, or aren't an AA person, call someone who supports you, loves you, etc, just to hear a friendly voice. Could be pre-emptive, could just be nice!

D122y

Milly,

Imo...Everyone here, including you are spot on.

I always take the scientific approach as it cleared up the mystery of faith for me.

I have experienced brain damage. My brain is rewiring as i heal. It takes years to heal. During the healing i suffer.

I feel a bit crazy because i am. It takes time for the crazy to go away. The brain is rewriting. Until then i suffer. If i drink again, i get crazier more quickly than before.

After a while, about 1 year, I started having more and more fun while sober. Just having fun, like a little kid again.

For me, that is all it is. Finding ways to have sober fun.

That is the foundation for my sobriety.

Thanks.

hpdw

Milly your doing what I should have done which is to come here and let us know your thoughts.

I didn,t do that and relapsed . most likely I would have not relapsed if I had posted more prior to me picking up I would have been supported just like you are now.

Please listen to the support offered and its just not worth it picking up a few measly drinks of pure poison . Fortunately for me the relapse was very short but I still suffered hells fires next day and the following day .

Take care

soberclover

Great thoughts and feedback here for sure. Awesome for you to know that you are feeling off and knowing that can be dangerous for you in terms of relapse. As you mentioned being around a lot of social situations as of late that have involved drinking, I thought about how I get squirrelyier when I've put myself around alcohol too often. For me, I find that it chips away at my "sober reserve". Like Dee said, doubling down on sobriety efforts is necessary. For me, I need to strengthen my connections with sober people by being on SR more, going to my meetings, reading recovery readings, and especially to review for myself why I'm powerless over alcohol and how it makes my life nuts.