Red78

My partner had a rather good go at me last night about my drinking, my behaviour and how he doesn't trust me (I've never cheated not even close but he doesn't believe me).
He said a lot of things that weren't nice not all relating to drinking but it was quite nasty..
I think the best thing is to stop the booze altogether, but when I told him this he was like, well thats no fun. I'm confused and don't know what to do or how to feel..
I think he is looking for someone that isn't me.. he is currently thinking about whether he wants to be in a relationship with me.

yinzer

You should put down the bottle for you. As to your partner, he’s certainly sending mixed messages, but don’t hold off getting better for that!

Red78

I try so hard and when I try to talk about how I feel I get invalidated and told I'm all wrong.. This is more than just me drinking, I think I'm in a relationship that is damaging both myself and my partner. I'm drinking more because of it, my way of dealing with stress, but then the drinking makes it worse..

Anna

People who are not alcoholics don't understand that there is no moderating for those of us who are alcoholics. You know what is the right thing to do, and you will find lots of support here.

Dee74

Hi Red - I agree you should put down the bottle - but for you, not your bf.

After a few months sobriety you may find that you see things, and react to things,in a different way?

D

yinzer

He might be gaslighting you.

Mac4711

If agree with Anna, the most likely scenario is that he is a ‘normal’ drinker and does not understand alcoholic behavior. He probably wants you to scale back to having ‘just a few drinks’. Well, if you and I could do this, we wouldn’t be here, would we?
And to reemphasize what’s already been said above: This is about you, you need to quit for you and noone else. Sure folks around you will benefit, but that’s just an afterthought.

Delilah1

Hi Red,

You should stop drinking for you, there are so many wonderful things about sobriety that you deserve.

Red78

I think there is something going on.. I've certainly never felt this crazy or confused about who I am. I'm being led to believe I'm a dominating, controlling abusive person, and while I know I'm not perfect I'm pretty sure I'm not the above, no one else seems to think this.. so to be told I'm doing something I don't think I'm doing is pretty scary..
My head is not in a good place..

chowchow

Hi, my husband said I am a "dud" since I stopped drinking. I was surprised. I thought he would be pleased. But I am not a source of entertainment for him. I had to stop because I was miserable drinking every night and waking up feeling like crap.

I am sorry you are having difficulties with your partner. I do agree that stopping drinking needs to be something you want to do for yourself.

I hope you keep us posted. We're here for you.

Oh, what does gaslighting mean?

Dee74

Gaslighting...Know It, Identify it, Protect Yourself:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-yourself.html (Gaslighting...Know It, Identify it, Protect Yourself)

Red78

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

I will stop drinking for myself to keep myself sane. These arguments that happen always leave me questioning my own sanity and I feel like I'm going crazy.. if I'm drinking he can use that excuse that it's me that's crazy rather than him being abusive..
I don't think he likes me and I'm quite hyperactive, he can't deal with it. I will do something that annoys him, metaphorically he will step out give a punch and then expect me toto be cPalm about it, when I'm not he will get rather abusive and twist everything, leaving me feeling lost, confused and crazy..
I will stop drinking so this cant happen..

Red78

I decided to make today my day 1. I said to partner about getting something for him for his bday this weekend, his reply, party with me. He Sat there the other day and said horrible things to me about me and my drinking and then wants me to party with him.. I'm so confused..

Dee74

Your partner wants you to drink but not have anything bad dangerous or embarrassing to happen.

He doesn't realise that's not possible - but you should, Red.

D

Bottletop

Hey Red

I was in marriage that was like living in a washing machine. I drank more because of it. Well I stopped and it made no diff to the marriage, but it did me. Then I started drinking again. The drinking was not a marriage issue. It was my issue. They are linked but also separate issues. Stopping allows you to be clear, focused and able to concentrate on the reality and work on you. You will be better able to deal with this and whatever else comes along. It's a much better place to be.

b0glerd69

My wife still drinks but encourages my abstinence as I am a better person sober. My wife drinks too much on occasion but the alcohol doesn't change her behaviour and she is not alcoholic. We have found a balance. I hope you can find one too.

Red78

Thanks for that.. I feel that this is how it is for me.. except I relate our arguments to being thrown inside a tumble dryer lol
I am unhappy in my home life and am unable to communicate it and be listened too, so when I drink I communicate it through Dutch courage which doesn't work as my partner is normally drinking too and my mood when drinking isn't as happy as it used to be either.
If I quit drinking I can have the space to sort my head and then go from there as to what I should do with my life, plus it will show whether it's just me going crazy or it's the other party as well..