New member - 80 y/o mum alcoholic - uk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 3
New member - 80 y/o mum alcoholic - uk
Hi.
I live in the UK, and I'm 46
I'm a full time, live-in carer for my mum, who is 80.
Since my dad died, she's developed a drinking problem.
If I shop for her, she has a 35cl bottle of brandy a day.
If I *don't* shop for her, she makes a 1 mile round trip, using her walker frame, to the local corner shop and buys a 70cl bottle + a 35cl bottle to drink on the way home.
She's fallen a couple of times on the way - last time she was bedridden for 5 weeks with pulled muscles in her back.
Before that, two black eyes.
It's getting to the point where I dare not leave her alone otherwise she goes to the shop herself.
I spend the weekend with my gf who lives about an hour away.
My ex-wife lives around the corner from mum: she is disabled herself, but visits on a weekend for an hour or so
I started to leave a 35cl bottle with her to deliver to mum, but mum has started to go to shop after visit.
I'm really stuck for a solution:
I can limit mums drinking by giving up *my* life, but she seems to be getting worse.
Am I "enabling" her by buying her alcohol?
Where do I go from here?
There's more stuff which I'll go into later: I'm financially tied to mum - I'm on "welfare" which is dependent upon me being mums carer, so have the added worry that if (when) mum dies ill find myself broke and homeless.
I am also struggling with depression myself - I have discovered that my drinking alcohol makes that worse but have not had a drink since new years eve.
I live in the UK, and I'm 46
I'm a full time, live-in carer for my mum, who is 80.
Since my dad died, she's developed a drinking problem.
If I shop for her, she has a 35cl bottle of brandy a day.
If I *don't* shop for her, she makes a 1 mile round trip, using her walker frame, to the local corner shop and buys a 70cl bottle + a 35cl bottle to drink on the way home.
She's fallen a couple of times on the way - last time she was bedridden for 5 weeks with pulled muscles in her back.
Before that, two black eyes.
It's getting to the point where I dare not leave her alone otherwise she goes to the shop herself.
I spend the weekend with my gf who lives about an hour away.
My ex-wife lives around the corner from mum: she is disabled herself, but visits on a weekend for an hour or so
I started to leave a 35cl bottle with her to deliver to mum, but mum has started to go to shop after visit.
I'm really stuck for a solution:
I can limit mums drinking by giving up *my* life, but she seems to be getting worse.
Am I "enabling" her by buying her alcohol?
Where do I go from here?
There's more stuff which I'll go into later: I'm financially tied to mum - I'm on "welfare" which is dependent upon me being mums carer, so have the added worry that if (when) mum dies ill find myself broke and homeless.
I am also struggling with depression myself - I have discovered that my drinking alcohol makes that worse but have not had a drink since new years eve.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome!
I am so sorry for what brings you here. It's always so hard when it's your parent.
I am not sure I have the answers since you are financially dependent on your mother. I would say first thing should be to remedy that situation as soon as possible. The reality is that no matter her health, she won't live forever. You have to be able to take care of yourself and not rely on someone else.
As far as enabling her, I don't know. I see what you are saying in that she has less. And since she is physically able to walk herself there for now, even getting hurt in the process, it seems that is what she is determined to do I guess? Have you had conversation with her on if she has any desire to stop? I would say that would be a starting point.
I would also be reaching out to any services that may assist her if she does express that desire.
Keep posting, keep reading. SR is a place of great support!
I am so sorry for what brings you here. It's always so hard when it's your parent.
I am not sure I have the answers since you are financially dependent on your mother. I would say first thing should be to remedy that situation as soon as possible. The reality is that no matter her health, she won't live forever. You have to be able to take care of yourself and not rely on someone else.
As far as enabling her, I don't know. I see what you are saying in that she has less. And since she is physically able to walk herself there for now, even getting hurt in the process, it seems that is what she is determined to do I guess? Have you had conversation with her on if she has any desire to stop? I would say that would be a starting point.
I would also be reaching out to any services that may assist her if she does express that desire.
Keep posting, keep reading. SR is a place of great support!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Did your mum ever have a drink problem in the past do you know? My initial thoughts are that being her age, she won’t be physically able to get to the shops on her own for much longer the way she’s going on..one more bad fall could end her mobility for a long time. tough one this because she’s so vulnerable.
Personally I’d leave her to buy her own alcohol but continue to support her in other ways so take her to the shops but allow her to do the purchasing perhaps? Sorry I can’t be a lot more help I’m also new to this problem but I do care for an elderly lady that is a heavy smoker. I do buy her cigarettes when she can’t get out because otherwise she would suffer bad withdrawal or attempt to go out in icey weather. But on the other hand she frequently drops cigarettes on the carpet or falls asleep with one lit. So either way it’s not safe and I guess it boils down to what your boundaries are and what you can live with should the worst happen? It’s not the same I know but I can see your predicament here.
Personally I’d leave her to buy her own alcohol but continue to support her in other ways so take her to the shops but allow her to do the purchasing perhaps? Sorry I can’t be a lot more help I’m also new to this problem but I do care for an elderly lady that is a heavy smoker. I do buy her cigarettes when she can’t get out because otherwise she would suffer bad withdrawal or attempt to go out in icey weather. But on the other hand she frequently drops cigarettes on the carpet or falls asleep with one lit. So either way it’s not safe and I guess it boils down to what your boundaries are and what you can live with should the worst happen? It’s not the same I know but I can see your predicament here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
This makes me so sad, for you and for her. I don't have much advice to offer as I'm in early recovery myself, and I have learned through these forums my voice isn't who you want to hear from. (You want other family/friends of addicts to chime in.) But I wish the best for you both. Hugs and good luck. Hope and action can lead to miracles.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
No advice, just questions...
Would you put yourself at risk as your mum's carer if someone found out that you were buying her alcohol?
In regards to financial independence, do you have access to an employment help centre near you to at least speak to a counselor? Speaking to a counselor isn't a lifetime commitment, and that person may give you some ideas that you may have never considered. (OK, I suppose that was advice. Sigh.)
Would you put yourself at risk as your mum's carer if someone found out that you were buying her alcohol?
In regards to financial independence, do you have access to an employment help centre near you to at least speak to a counselor? Speaking to a counselor isn't a lifetime commitment, and that person may give you some ideas that you may have never considered. (OK, I suppose that was advice. Sigh.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
No advice, just questions...
Would you put yourself at risk as your mum's carer if someone found out that you were buying her alcohol?
In regards to financial independence, do you have access to an employment help centre near you to at least speak to a counselor? Speaking to a counselor isn't a lifetime commitment, and that person may give you some ideas that you may have never considered. (OK, I suppose that was advice. Sigh.)
Would you put yourself at risk as your mum's carer if someone found out that you were buying her alcohol?
In regards to financial independence, do you have access to an employment help centre near you to at least speak to a counselor? Speaking to a counselor isn't a lifetime commitment, and that person may give you some ideas that you may have never considered. (OK, I suppose that was advice. Sigh.)
Thanks for the replies:
No, i am at no risk buying alcohol.
"Employment help centres" aren't a lot of use in the UK - I'm currently studying for an accounting degree. By December I will have enough academic credits to qualify as a book keeper, and have a few prospective clients so won't be "financially dependent" by this time next year.
It's not necessarily the walk to the shop which is worrying.
I have come home several times to find mum on living g room floor - she's had two knee replacements, so can't get herself up. She only falls when she's drunk.
I'm also worried about the effect on her mental health - she is noticeably more forgetful after drinking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oeuf....I have an idea..of what I would do...at least try....I don't know if it would work for you, though....
I would talk to her, first.....
Then, supply her one generous brandy drink, after dinner, each night....
When you are away on the weekends...pay someone...or, engage a volunteer from a volunteer organization or someone from a church organization to have dinner with her and supply her with the brandy after the meal....
that way...she wouldn't feel as if she can never have a drink...and, can look forward to it each day....Plus..she is likely lonely, these days....and, could probably use more socialization....
Perhaps, she could be driven to a meeting of some sort, each day...like, perhaps, to a senior center, or a ladies social club of some sort....
I wouldn't try to take away the liquor (she still has her free will), without sweetening the pot with something enriching to replace it with....
Could you possible consult the advice of a social worker who is experienced in working with seniors?
Since she is falling when at home...it may be that she is passing the point where she can live independently...especially, if she won't cooperate with some plan...
Perhaps, the leverage of being able to still live independently, could be used as motivation...and, you could bring tis up when you talk to her....
I would talk to her, first.....
Then, supply her one generous brandy drink, after dinner, each night....
When you are away on the weekends...pay someone...or, engage a volunteer from a volunteer organization or someone from a church organization to have dinner with her and supply her with the brandy after the meal....
that way...she wouldn't feel as if she can never have a drink...and, can look forward to it each day....Plus..she is likely lonely, these days....and, could probably use more socialization....
Perhaps, she could be driven to a meeting of some sort, each day...like, perhaps, to a senior center, or a ladies social club of some sort....
I wouldn't try to take away the liquor (she still has her free will), without sweetening the pot with something enriching to replace it with....
Could you possible consult the advice of a social worker who is experienced in working with seniors?
Since she is falling when at home...it may be that she is passing the point where she can live independently...especially, if she won't cooperate with some plan...
Perhaps, the leverage of being able to still live independently, could be used as motivation...and, you could bring tis up when you talk to her....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Hi. I live in the UK and I am also a carer to my disabled adult son. I found these people might be useful to help you https://www.carersresource.org/ They can assess how you mum's health and the way she lives is impacting on you and suggest ways to help you. You may be able to get respite care for her and as she is falling at home they may suggest some form of supported living like a warden based place . You do not have to do anything you don't want to do. Benefit wise if your mum dies you would lose carers but could go on Job Seekers until your book keeping is completed.. I would also look at securing a place for yourself to live. You do not have to live with your mum to be her carer and if you could get carers in to look after her which the place I have linked might suggest it would free you up to find a place of your own to live in. If she is in rented it might be worth seeing if you could be put on the tenancy so you could take it over in the event of her passing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 3
Thanks for all the replies - lots to consider!
Mum owns the house, and it will be left to myself and my sister (who cares for her disabled son, so doesn't help with mum).
I can't afford to buy her out.
If I arrange care through social services for mum, there is a potential for the house to seized to pay for the care.
I think the trying to get her to socialize more is a starter plan - me restricting her drinking won't work. It's not like I can chain her up, or take her purse off her, so if she wants alcohol, she will just go get it. Snow and ice didn't stop her last week.
Mum owns the house, and it will be left to myself and my sister (who cares for her disabled son, so doesn't help with mum).
I can't afford to buy her out.
If I arrange care through social services for mum, there is a potential for the house to seized to pay for the care.
I think the trying to get her to socialize more is a starter plan - me restricting her drinking won't work. It's not like I can chain her up, or take her purse off her, so if she wants alcohol, she will just go get it. Snow and ice didn't stop her last week.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi,
Sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it is tough.
I'm going to be kind of blunt here, please know that i'm not trying to be hurtful.
You have two considerations here, your well-being and your Mothers.
What I see you saying:
- I have a problem with depression.
- I am my Mother's caregiver and I am paid by the government to do so.
- If I allow myself time to do the things I want, my Mother is likely to go down the street to get alcohol and get hurt.
- If I ask for help, they may take the house away and my benefit.
Now all this being the case you have to ask yourself. Are you being a caregiver or are you not? You are living in your Mother's house, you are being paid to be her caregiver but you are unwilling to do that job.
She needs care 7 days a week and you are providing 5 and are unwilling to request other assistance because you don't want to rock your financial boat.
Her drinking is an aside I think. This isn't really about her it's about you. What you want is in conflict with what your Mother needs.
The way I see it you have two options. Bow out of caring for your Mother and find a way to take care of yourself financially or perhaps take some of Dandylion's suggestions and seek out help from organizations - including churches, friends, your Sister's friends etc etc.
I'm sure your Sister has her plate full with taking care of her disabled Son but maybe she needs to step up to the plate as well, perhaps your Mother could stay with them on the weekend? She will need to understand she may only get one drink with dinner during the weekend, since there is a child in the house there.
Sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it is tough.
I'm going to be kind of blunt here, please know that i'm not trying to be hurtful.
You have two considerations here, your well-being and your Mothers.
What I see you saying:
- I have a problem with depression.
- I am my Mother's caregiver and I am paid by the government to do so.
- If I allow myself time to do the things I want, my Mother is likely to go down the street to get alcohol and get hurt.
- If I ask for help, they may take the house away and my benefit.
Now all this being the case you have to ask yourself. Are you being a caregiver or are you not? You are living in your Mother's house, you are being paid to be her caregiver but you are unwilling to do that job.
She needs care 7 days a week and you are providing 5 and are unwilling to request other assistance because you don't want to rock your financial boat.
Her drinking is an aside I think. This isn't really about her it's about you. What you want is in conflict with what your Mother needs.
The way I see it you have two options. Bow out of caring for your Mother and find a way to take care of yourself financially or perhaps take some of Dandylion's suggestions and seek out help from organizations - including churches, friends, your Sister's friends etc etc.
I'm sure your Sister has her plate full with taking care of her disabled Son but maybe she needs to step up to the plate as well, perhaps your Mother could stay with them on the weekend? She will need to understand she may only get one drink with dinner during the weekend, since there is a child in the house there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
If I arrange care through social services for mum, there is a potential for the house to seized to pay for the care.
The care packages are via direct payment that SS pay for after an assessment of need.. No home involved in them. I know this cos my dad had them for my mother for a very long time when my mum was ill. He still has the house now she has died and there is no care fees being taken out the equity once he dies either. The only chance of losing the house would be if your mum goes into a nursing home. It may ( not necessarily) have to be sold and fees paid out of it. However that does not mean it might not be the best option if you cannot care for her all the time and are unwilling to get anyone to take up the slack. I think finding your own place to live and making sure you are not dependent on your mum is worth looking into. The situation is not good for either of you as it is.
The care packages are via direct payment that SS pay for after an assessment of need.. No home involved in them. I know this cos my dad had them for my mother for a very long time when my mum was ill. He still has the house now she has died and there is no care fees being taken out the equity once he dies either. The only chance of losing the house would be if your mum goes into a nursing home. It may ( not necessarily) have to be sold and fees paid out of it. However that does not mean it might not be the best option if you cannot care for her all the time and are unwilling to get anyone to take up the slack. I think finding your own place to live and making sure you are not dependent on your mum is worth looking into. The situation is not good for either of you as it is.
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