Will Al-Anon even benefit me if my ex has Narcissist Personality Disorder?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Will Al-Anon even benefit me if my ex has Narcissist Personality Disorder?
First of all let me say that he's out. He left the halfway house. I have no idea where he's living. I learned through my therapist that he does in fact have Narcissist Personality Disorder. These are very dangerous people. I suffered with his drinking and mostly his NPD.
The reason I know he's out is because he messaged my mother on Facebook stating that and he wrote this super long "undying love" message about me. He was being his manipulative self blaming the hafway house and that he actually is in love with me but he was just telling me what they were saying to him. He was just appeasing them, and trying to keep us apart. Yeah there are some things I didn't like about that place, but they aren't going to force someone to say "I'm not in love with you" if they are. That's how he truly felt. He's just trying to manipulate and I'm not falling for it.
I've been shaking and having so much anxiety. His "heart aches" but if you are so "heart sick" then why are you adding all the trashy sluts you cheated on me with on your Facebook? He's such a scumbag. That doesn't tell me someone who is "heart sick" if he's posting public posts and all the sluts are commenting on it and they are flirting. *Rolls eyes*
He claims he's at a "recovery house"? But he could be lying. I suffered with his drinking for sure, but the drinking brought more of his NPD out, that's truly him sober. So would I even benefit going to Al-Anon if he's just an abuser at heart? It wasn't strictly the alcohol? It just made him more of a monster and brought it out more? I don't know what to do. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm anxiety ridden and shaking. And when I need my friends the most they aren't there. I'm going to be stuck here in this house all weekend and my job won't give me anymore overtime. So I'm off the whole weekend. Can't see the therapist until she calls back which is like probably a week from now. I'm so upset. I wouldn't think it'd be this soon and I don't know if I should even go to Al Anon of it was more just his NPD. I feel like my peace is being more disturbed. Luckily the calls have stopped and my mom blocked him, but I'm still upset.
The reason I know he's out is because he messaged my mother on Facebook stating that and he wrote this super long "undying love" message about me. He was being his manipulative self blaming the hafway house and that he actually is in love with me but he was just telling me what they were saying to him. He was just appeasing them, and trying to keep us apart. Yeah there are some things I didn't like about that place, but they aren't going to force someone to say "I'm not in love with you" if they are. That's how he truly felt. He's just trying to manipulate and I'm not falling for it.
I've been shaking and having so much anxiety. His "heart aches" but if you are so "heart sick" then why are you adding all the trashy sluts you cheated on me with on your Facebook? He's such a scumbag. That doesn't tell me someone who is "heart sick" if he's posting public posts and all the sluts are commenting on it and they are flirting. *Rolls eyes*
He claims he's at a "recovery house"? But he could be lying. I suffered with his drinking for sure, but the drinking brought more of his NPD out, that's truly him sober. So would I even benefit going to Al-Anon if he's just an abuser at heart? It wasn't strictly the alcohol? It just made him more of a monster and brought it out more? I don't know what to do. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm anxiety ridden and shaking. And when I need my friends the most they aren't there. I'm going to be stuck here in this house all weekend and my job won't give me anymore overtime. So I'm off the whole weekend. Can't see the therapist until she calls back which is like probably a week from now. I'm so upset. I wouldn't think it'd be this soon and I don't know if I should even go to Al Anon of it was more just his NPD. I feel like my peace is being more disturbed. Luckily the calls have stopped and my mom blocked him, but I'm still upset.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Sounds like you're giving this guy way too much space in your head. If he really is suffering form NPD, then he has a deep seated mental disorder, and there is nothing you can do but accept that. He will not change.
You have made it clear that you don't want him to contact you anymore. If he bothers you, get the police involved. Get a restraining order.
But stop feeding the drama. You're just keeping yourself attached, you're just giving power to your own dysfunctions.
As far as support groups go, you might get more out of CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) than Al-Anon. Codependents are usually the ones who end up in relationships with narcissists, and if you don't deal with your own issues, you will just find yourself with another narcissist, even after you get this one out of your life.
And there is plenty of information on the web about Narcissist Personality Disorder, and co-dependent / NPD relationships. Check Youtube for some great videos.
You have made it clear that you don't want him to contact you anymore. If he bothers you, get the police involved. Get a restraining order.
But stop feeding the drama. You're just keeping yourself attached, you're just giving power to your own dysfunctions.
As far as support groups go, you might get more out of CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) than Al-Anon. Codependents are usually the ones who end up in relationships with narcissists, and if you don't deal with your own issues, you will just find yourself with another narcissist, even after you get this one out of your life.
And there is plenty of information on the web about Narcissist Personality Disorder, and co-dependent / NPD relationships. Check Youtube for some great videos.
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Join Date: May 2010
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No new contact = No new hurts
I would explain to anyone he may contact that even if he does, you are moving on and don't want to hear about it.
The problem w/NPD is that it is very, very hard to treat, and mostly goes untreated leaving those who love them in the path of destruction. Educate yourself and arm yourself for the journey.
Big hugs!
I would explain to anyone he may contact that even if he does, you are moving on and don't want to hear about it.
The problem w/NPD is that it is very, very hard to treat, and mostly goes untreated leaving those who love them in the path of destruction. Educate yourself and arm yourself for the journey.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Mandy,
Can I suggest that you also contact your local domestic abuse shelter. They usually run support groups for people in an abusive relationship.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
sorry you are going through this
amy
Can I suggest that you also contact your local domestic abuse shelter. They usually run support groups for people in an abusive relationship.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
sorry you are going through this
amy
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There are websites, similar to this one, that helps friends and family members of people with personality disorders. I found one called "Out of the Fog" most helpful.
My ex-mother in law was BPD (Borderline) and that was a whole crazy kettle of fish I tell ya, and she also self medicates with alcohol so extra "fun" for all.
Personality disordered people can be frustrating and infuriating to deal with if they don't acknowledge their issues and then work hard at rectifying the situation.
I know how hard this is for you to deal with, I was married to an alcoholic for a long time. Wishing you peace and strength as you navigate this minefield.
Take lots of deep breaths.
Big Hugs
edit to add: Yes I think it is worth you going to alanon. The things you learn there can be carried forward with you the rest of your life, regardless of who your qualifier was that got you there.
My ex-mother in law was BPD (Borderline) and that was a whole crazy kettle of fish I tell ya, and she also self medicates with alcohol so extra "fun" for all.
Personality disordered people can be frustrating and infuriating to deal with if they don't acknowledge their issues and then work hard at rectifying the situation.
I know how hard this is for you to deal with, I was married to an alcoholic for a long time. Wishing you peace and strength as you navigate this minefield.
Take lots of deep breaths.
Big Hugs
edit to add: Yes I think it is worth you going to alanon. The things you learn there can be carried forward with you the rest of your life, regardless of who your qualifier was that got you there.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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I'd be cautious if it were your therapist who "diagnosed" your ex with narcissistic personality disorder. Personality disorders are really hard to diagnose, and it can't be done secondhand. Perhaps think about him as someone who displays a lot of inappropriate and harmful behavior, regardless of label?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I think Al-anon can benefit anyone, whether they have an alcoholic in their life or not. They teach healthy ways to live, how to make and stick to boundaries etc. You don't want to be in the house all weekend, so why not go? You don't need to say a single word, and its not like you are obligated to go back if you don't want to. Hugs to you. 😍
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I don't know if I should even go to Al Anon of it was more just his NPD
Firstly this is about YOU not him. It doesn't matter what diagnosis he has or hasn't or what your therapist who has never met him thinks either. What matters is you work on yourself to make sure you never end up in a relationship with someone like him again. You are still fixated on his life, why he is like he is and what he is doing. Why are you looking at his facebook? Block and delete him then you can't see his public posts. You told me on a different post you aren't addicted to drama but you are. If you weren't you'd block him on Facebook and tell people still in contact with him you do not want to hear about him. So should you go to ALanon? ...definitely! Without it you will end up rinsing and repeated like so many of us have here. I'd get another therapist too as the one you have should not be diagnosing your ex by proxy.
Firstly this is about YOU not him. It doesn't matter what diagnosis he has or hasn't or what your therapist who has never met him thinks either. What matters is you work on yourself to make sure you never end up in a relationship with someone like him again. You are still fixated on his life, why he is like he is and what he is doing. Why are you looking at his facebook? Block and delete him then you can't see his public posts. You told me on a different post you aren't addicted to drama but you are. If you weren't you'd block him on Facebook and tell people still in contact with him you do not want to hear about him. So should you go to ALanon? ...definitely! Without it you will end up rinsing and repeated like so many of us have here. I'd get another therapist too as the one you have should not be diagnosing your ex by proxy.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Hello Mandy. There are few things I just want you to think about... and this will sound harsh, but I think you need to clarify some of your thoughts.
1) A therapist doesn't diagnose someone who isn't their patient because that person is not there to be diagnosed. Also, you need a clinical psychologist at the very least or a psychiatrist to diagnose a cluster-b personality disorder, and that takes many sessions because things like NPD, sociopathy or psychopathy are some of the hardest disorders to diagnose. If this therapist is your therapist and not his, they don't have any business diagnosing him with anything.
2) You don't need to diagnose him with anything to know that his treatment of you was bad. If you really insist on an informal diagnoses of this guy from someone who isn't in any position to diagnose him because said person isn't his therapist, then here's my diagnosis: he's a rat bag. He's got classic "rat bag" disease, for which there is no cure. Furthermore, exposure to a "rat bag" will case you to be very sick... therefore stay away from anyone with "rat bag" symptoms. The symptoms are as follows: they lie, cheat, do not respect your time, money, or emotional labor, they invalidate your feelings and intelligence, they gas-light everyone, they are parasites, they are immature, irresponsible, abusive and they are phenomenally selfish; they are generally... jerks that you would not take on the last ship to Mars when Earth goes to heck. You don't have to call him a narcissist. Maybe he is maybe he's not. Who cares. He was a Jerk... you know it, you don't need a doctor to say it for you.
3) Your mom or anyone else should not be giving you updates on this guy -- tell them you don't want to hear about him. It's a waste of your brain-space. If he's doing what he's doing because he's a drunk, then drunks are going to quack and potatoes are going to potate. Ignore him. If he's doing what he's doing because he's a dirt bag, ignore him. If you can't ignore him because his harassment of you is relentless and really scary, get a restraining order.
4) There will be people at Alanon or CODA who have been through what you are going through. You won't know until you try. Try them. I also agree that you might benefit from contacting the local women's DV service, if you feel that there has been abuse or violence.
You really need to CBT your way out of this. Every time your brain starts to think about him, do something to distract yourself. Like... do 20 jumping jacks or push-ups. Or run around the block. Or write a really mean poem. Anything to stop thinking about him. You can do it. Just keep telling yourself that you're fine now that he's out of your life. Keep repeating it like a mantra: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine... I'm free, I'm free, I'm free.
1) A therapist doesn't diagnose someone who isn't their patient because that person is not there to be diagnosed. Also, you need a clinical psychologist at the very least or a psychiatrist to diagnose a cluster-b personality disorder, and that takes many sessions because things like NPD, sociopathy or psychopathy are some of the hardest disorders to diagnose. If this therapist is your therapist and not his, they don't have any business diagnosing him with anything.
2) You don't need to diagnose him with anything to know that his treatment of you was bad. If you really insist on an informal diagnoses of this guy from someone who isn't in any position to diagnose him because said person isn't his therapist, then here's my diagnosis: he's a rat bag. He's got classic "rat bag" disease, for which there is no cure. Furthermore, exposure to a "rat bag" will case you to be very sick... therefore stay away from anyone with "rat bag" symptoms. The symptoms are as follows: they lie, cheat, do not respect your time, money, or emotional labor, they invalidate your feelings and intelligence, they gas-light everyone, they are parasites, they are immature, irresponsible, abusive and they are phenomenally selfish; they are generally... jerks that you would not take on the last ship to Mars when Earth goes to heck. You don't have to call him a narcissist. Maybe he is maybe he's not. Who cares. He was a Jerk... you know it, you don't need a doctor to say it for you.
3) Your mom or anyone else should not be giving you updates on this guy -- tell them you don't want to hear about him. It's a waste of your brain-space. If he's doing what he's doing because he's a drunk, then drunks are going to quack and potatoes are going to potate. Ignore him. If he's doing what he's doing because he's a dirt bag, ignore him. If you can't ignore him because his harassment of you is relentless and really scary, get a restraining order.
4) There will be people at Alanon or CODA who have been through what you are going through. You won't know until you try. Try them. I also agree that you might benefit from contacting the local women's DV service, if you feel that there has been abuse or violence.
You really need to CBT your way out of this. Every time your brain starts to think about him, do something to distract yourself. Like... do 20 jumping jacks or push-ups. Or run around the block. Or write a really mean poem. Anything to stop thinking about him. You can do it. Just keep telling yourself that you're fine now that he's out of your life. Keep repeating it like a mantra: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine... I'm free, I'm free, I'm free.
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Ophelia, your description of classic "rat bag disease" is right on the money, and I agree w/you, it is certainly every bit as useful as any other diagnosis of someone else is when trying to deal with my own problems!
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Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. I needed to work on my own recovery (a big part of that was understanding why I accepted unacceptable behavior in relationships). Al Anon, SR and therapy helped me do the work so that I could stop those negative relationship patterns. I hope you keep reading and posting here to learn more about what you can do to help yourself right now.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sorry... just got to add one more thing. Mandy, I would avoid calling other women "sluts". Firstly cause, in the grand scheme of things, girls gotta stick together when the going gets tough... and you know it will, because when you get over this (and you will), even if you end up marrying some really nice guy and you're together until he dies at age 75, you're likely to live quite a few years longer than him and the only people calling you (other than your future adult offspring) will be your girl friends because men have a habit of (historically) living shorter lives than women. Okay, that's one reason.
Second reason is that you don't know what these women know or don't know. No matter what's going on, you're not together, he's single... so are you. He has a right to date as many people as he wants. As do you. These women either don't have a problem with casual dating, or they really don't know he's a bag of rats... or both. Or they're being played. No matter, none of it is your business. All of it is his problem (assuming he thinks he has one). I would really avoid passing judgement on the other women. I would also avoid communicating with them even to warn them about anything, or looking at their activities online.
You have been hurt and you need to protect yourself. First protect your emotions by not allowing yourself to be exposed to anything that is going to hurt you more.
Everything will be okay.
Second reason is that you don't know what these women know or don't know. No matter what's going on, you're not together, he's single... so are you. He has a right to date as many people as he wants. As do you. These women either don't have a problem with casual dating, or they really don't know he's a bag of rats... or both. Or they're being played. No matter, none of it is your business. All of it is his problem (assuming he thinks he has one). I would really avoid passing judgement on the other women. I would also avoid communicating with them even to warn them about anything, or looking at their activities online.
You have been hurt and you need to protect yourself. First protect your emotions by not allowing yourself to be exposed to anything that is going to hurt you more.
Everything will be okay.
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So would I even benefit going to Al-Anon if he's just an abuser at heart?
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I also highly recommend the website "Out of the Fog" for help with people with personality disorders. I combine their advice with my Al-anon program, I find it extremely helpful.
Like Al-anon, it is also is about working on yourself. Accepting we cannot change other people, only ourselves. It has practical tools for dealing with disordered people.
I encourage you to go No Contact too.
Like Al-anon, it is also is about working on yourself. Accepting we cannot change other people, only ourselves. It has practical tools for dealing with disordered people.
I encourage you to go No Contact too.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Thank you everyone. My therapist didn't diagnose him per se. She "thinks" he has it. She gave me a check mark list of someone with that personality disorder and she told me to check off whatever I experienced with him or leave it blank if I didn't. There were 25 questions and he fit all 25. I also looked it up and he has NPD to a T. It's crazy. But she didn't really diagnose him, I said that wrong. She was just more suspicious of that and I confirmed it with her test and reading about NPD. He definitely has that.
Also, I have a right to call these women sluts because these are the same exact women that he cheated on me with and were flirting with him, knowing he had a girlfriend. They are scum like him. I am a woman's woman. I stick with women and I am more comfortable with women. But these particular women are complete trash and knew he had a gf but continued to pursue him. They BOTH are disgusting.
Also, I will go to Al-Anon. He is blocked from everything. My mother blocked him. However, I do have to cut off those that are relaying messages to me. My friend sent me a screenshot of him posting some bad stuff about me that isn't true. His mother, sister, and brother were insulting me saying I'm a W H O R E, a piece of ****, loser, a horrible person, etc. He put out a post saying I'm with someone after a month of us not talking? I'm not with anybody but he has to play that victim role and his trashy family of course jumped on that. I was the loyal one, yet I'm a "W H O R E"? But his family doesn't think that about him? After they knew how many times he actually cheated on me? Wow. Interesting. Yet, I'm not even talking, dating, or doing anything with a guy so it's laughable.
But it did hurt me to be bashed for something I'm not even doing and having no contact. Luckily he's been not bothering me. I'm upset that I keep comparing myself to him. He lost a lot of weight and looks ok, whereas I'm so depressed I gained 10 pounds and don't look my best. I am angry and created a race in my head. Like "oh crap he lost weight, I better go to the gym and lose weight and post pics. I don't want him to one up me." I have this thing about "one upping" because he did that to me all the time. I should not care, but I do. I don't like how he is doing good and I'm not. I don't deserve that because I was the loyal decent one in this relationship. He wasn't. I just wish I didn't compare myself to him and I don't know how to stop. I keep thinking I have to beat him in this race I created. It's so crazy. Is that normal? I'm just want to not care!
Also, I have a right to call these women sluts because these are the same exact women that he cheated on me with and were flirting with him, knowing he had a girlfriend. They are scum like him. I am a woman's woman. I stick with women and I am more comfortable with women. But these particular women are complete trash and knew he had a gf but continued to pursue him. They BOTH are disgusting.
Also, I will go to Al-Anon. He is blocked from everything. My mother blocked him. However, I do have to cut off those that are relaying messages to me. My friend sent me a screenshot of him posting some bad stuff about me that isn't true. His mother, sister, and brother were insulting me saying I'm a W H O R E, a piece of ****, loser, a horrible person, etc. He put out a post saying I'm with someone after a month of us not talking? I'm not with anybody but he has to play that victim role and his trashy family of course jumped on that. I was the loyal one, yet I'm a "W H O R E"? But his family doesn't think that about him? After they knew how many times he actually cheated on me? Wow. Interesting. Yet, I'm not even talking, dating, or doing anything with a guy so it's laughable.
But it did hurt me to be bashed for something I'm not even doing and having no contact. Luckily he's been not bothering me. I'm upset that I keep comparing myself to him. He lost a lot of weight and looks ok, whereas I'm so depressed I gained 10 pounds and don't look my best. I am angry and created a race in my head. Like "oh crap he lost weight, I better go to the gym and lose weight and post pics. I don't want him to one up me." I have this thing about "one upping" because he did that to me all the time. I should not care, but I do. I don't like how he is doing good and I'm not. I don't deserve that because I was the loyal decent one in this relationship. He wasn't. I just wish I didn't compare myself to him and I don't know how to stop. I keep thinking I have to beat him in this race I created. It's so crazy. Is that normal? I'm just want to not care!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Mandy....one of the things that you will learn more about is about staying on your side of the street.....and, about not being so quick to take the inventory of others....Lord knows...it takes enough energy to keep our side of the street in good order and to keep tabs on our own inventory...lol....
As we change our mental filter.....everything begins to look different...and feel different. also...
Keep going to alanon and keep reading and studying......
As we change our mental filter.....everything begins to look different...and feel different. also...
Keep going to alanon and keep reading and studying......
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Al-anon cannot help you with anybody's personality disorder, that's what medical professionals are for (and even they may have difficulties as these are extremely hard to treat), but it can give you a very healthy life philosophy and help you cope and focus on yourself and you needs and reconnect with yourself. This is very important because when one deals with problematic personalities, that person may become completely engulfed by their issues and drama and everyday circus. Al-anon will empower you to claim your life back.
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Wow Mandy. I really hope you can get to a better space with all of this because right now all you are is HURTING.
Really??? DEFINITELY?????
Wow. No words....just wow. You know literally NOTHING about their lives, their experiences.... their anything but you have the RIGHT..... Wow.
Which you've known for a VERY long time but have continued to allow because it keeps you engaged & feeding the fire of all this drama. Hey - let's call a spade a spade, ok?
That's REALLY all this is all about, let's be honest.
You're HURTING and you're reacting with your own out of control ego whether you see it like that or not. THIS is what your conversations with your therapist should be focused on.
When you are ready to drop the rope, you can actually start healing Mandy. When you're ready to acknowledge your part in it, you can start growing too. I hope you find your way through this because no one deserves to live in a self-imposed hell.
She was just more suspicious of that and I confirmed it with her test and reading about NPD. He definitely has that.
I have a right to call these women sluts
I do have to cut off those that are relaying messages to me.
I don't want him to one up me.
You're HURTING and you're reacting with your own out of control ego whether you see it like that or not. THIS is what your conversations with your therapist should be focused on.
When you are ready to drop the rope, you can actually start healing Mandy. When you're ready to acknowledge your part in it, you can start growing too. I hope you find your way through this because no one deserves to live in a self-imposed hell.
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