dawnayers

Hello, my name is Dawn - I've been with my new husband for 9 years and separated for 2 years now due to his drunken episode coming home and starting a fight with one of my older sons who were 17 at the time. I had to call the police and have him removed.

Since then, I have seen him on and off - we put off a divorce while we tried to work on some things. Problem is - he has never worked on his drinking nor has ever truly felt like he was the cause of a fight with my boys. (physical).

2 weeks ago we were out with our 7 yo and he got drunk and started punching things in his truck - the sunglass holder broke off and flew and hit me in my face - he told us MF's to never come back to his house again.

Of course, I went home with our son and have been struggling ever since. He didn't remember what happened and 'doesn't know why he went off'. Alcohol and hatred!! He also doesn't pay child support which is a huge burden on me and I'm facing losing my house. I have our combined family at my home while he is at his new home with no family obligations.

I don't know why I'm writing - maybe just venting and getting it out.
I am struggling. He has apologized - but is still waiting for me to be the one to contact him and say good morning etc... Why do we feel guilt? Thank you if you took the time to read. DD

OpheliaKatz

Hello Dawn. Welcome to SR. Please keep coming back and getting support here. Many who post here have gone through what you are going through and they may be able to offer insight.

There's a saying here that has helped me. If you are feeling guilty for leaving your addicted SO, it's because of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Those things make the situation "foggy" and distract you from the real problem. The real problem is that he is still in your life causing you and you children stress. I'm afraid that he's pretty much showing you who he is and you can't change him. Sorry to be blunt but he does not care about you or your children enough to become a responsible father. Two years is enough time for him to have decided that he has to change. He's made his choice though: alcohol is number one, he is number two, he is number three, you and the kids and everything else are number... 600... maybe. I think you know that you can't wait for him to change... you have to make some changes yourself. Perhaps if you stop seeing him entirely (at least for the next year)?

Many here have gone "no contact" with their spouses or exes in order to heal. I also guarantee that when you start healing from the toxicity of this relationship, your children will get better too. If you can "agree" on some sort of "parenting" situation and keep things out of court, you might have a better chance of minimizing contact with him. Many abusive spouses end up trying to abuse their ex through the court system -- just have a read around the forum and you will see this happening. Please read the forums as you are trying to decide on divorce.

I did bring up abuse because your AH being verbally or physically violent towards your children is absolutely abusive. I can not stress how important it is for children to NOT see their father abuse their mother -- the girls unconsciously learn that this is a behavior they should excuse from their significant others, and the boys unconsciously learn that this behavior from them is excusable. Please see if you can get your kids into Alateen and you into Alanon for face-to-face support. Also, look into counseling so you can work through your feelings.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think you have taken the right first step in seeking support.

Xittam11

I have been struggling with the same decision but ultimately have have decided to divorce my husband he is an opiate addict. What helped me make my decision was putting myself first so I can be a better mother I’m a shell of who I once was always worrying about him I started going to support groups which gave me the confidence to set my boundaries and he ultimately crossed them which lead to my final decision. My children also, the things they see can be so damaging and the only way I can protect them of that is not being with him anymore. I filed back in November and it’s still not finalized so I’ve been struggling with “let go and let god”if you go to an Alan in meeting they have slogans that help and you give everything over to your personal higher power they refer to as your God. But I struggled with it tremendously but I have learned about myself and if I don’t completely separate I will constantly be dragged back in and I can’t do it any more for my sake or my kids. I actually just had the courage to tell him today why I’m trolling the Internet forums lol. He begged for another chance daily drug tests blah blah blah I’ve heard it all before. I told him if your really serious about staying sober prove it after we are divorced because only someone truly committed would be willing to do that. I’ve told him a few times before I was done and he did good for a bit but I finally had to mean what I said I’m sure he thinks I will cave this time but I have a really good support group this time and that won’t be happening but good luck to you and just remember not to be to hard on yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about your decisions as long as your do By what’s best for you and your kids whatever that may be that’s your decision. And don’t feel guilty about putting yourself first that was another area I struggled in. My support group has helped me a lot with that.

Ann

He is a dangerous, physically abusive alcoholic who rages and strikes out, then says he "doesn't remember" as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for anything.

You are getting by without his support now, you can get by without him bringing violence into your life and the lives of your children. If he is working, I would see a lawyer and take action to get support for your (and his) children.

Abuse is never okay, please keep yourself and your children safe and get away from this man now before someone ends up in the hospital....or morgue. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's where abuse takes you. Starting over may be hard, financially, but I promise you that losing your home may be a strangely wrapped gift that leads you to a better life of peace and happiness for your children.

Keeping you and your children in my prayers, and please know that we are here for you, you don't have to do this alone.

Hugs

dawnayers

Thank you very much for the reply. You have given some great advice and things for me to think about. This week has been difficult with not seeing him for a bit and starting to think ' it wasn't that bad'.. but the reality is - it was that bad and not just ONCE. It's the fog that creeps in. He's been told he needs to quit drinking and quit verbally abusing us. He HATES my sons 20/21 bc they live with me and haven't found their way yet. His son 25 also lives with ME.

We are exactly number 600 on his list - as he did not even attempt to see our son on Easter or come to his baseball games b/c he's a coward and doesn't want to see me if we are not speaking. I don't understand why I find it so hard to just cut the ties.

dawnayers

Thank you for the prayers. They are much needed. When I came here today, I was having a hard time and almost caving in to trying to work it out - again. But I've found the strength and words of wisdom.

atalose