Grassalley17

I just wanted to post that everyday is a different day. Today, AH and I went for a long walk with our sweet dog. We've been doing that more together now that he's trying to drink less. I truly enjoy our times together when he's sober. I pray every day it continues.

I went to my first AA meeting on Friday to support an Al Anon friend who was celebrating 16-years of sobriety. It was a powerful meeting, where I got to hear what others in AA have and are experiencing.

AH admitted he doesn't want to be "that drunk guy." And, I was able to share calmly with him what the AA meeting was like and how supportive it was. It's up to him to make that change now. We both cried for a good 30 minutes or more.

Taking it one day at a time, just wanted to share!

aliciagr

What a great post. Thank you for sharing.

I went to a few AA meetings with my husband early on. I enjoyed the speakers also. My husband didn't end up using AA for his recovery, but its a great option and helps a lot of people.

I like the part about how you were able to talk calmly and share with him in a positive way without guilt/shame attached. During the crisis with my husband I think controlling my emotions was the most valuable lesson I learned. It allowed us to enjoy moments like you described, it allowed his ears to be open, my ears to be open!, for honesty to flow. We cant control other people but we do influence and make up 1/2 the relationship dynamic.

Hoping your husband will want more than "being that drunk guy" and will start making some changes or seek help if he cant do it alone.

Grassalley17

aliciagr - thank you for sharing that with me. I am trying so hard to communicate effectively. My way of communicating before was not saying much, and then getting frustrated. That wasn't effective. AH and I are both learning this new way of communicating and although it's been painful at times, we can't keep doing what we were and expecting different results.

Did you husband go through recovery on his own? AH is interested in other options besides AA.

aliciagr

Initially my way of communicating was becoming really frustrated, keeping it bottled up and then verbally going off on my husband. He would respond by denying, blame shifting, arguments, all in self defense mode and then we would hold grudges and do the ignore thing. Then I tried ignoring what he was doing and trusted he would figure it out. But that didn't help either because once the patterns got set this didn't do anything to rock the boat or promote change for either of us.

Point being, don't be hard on yourself regarding your emotions, or with how you are coping with this issue. Its difficult ! While my husband was still hard at it, I was feeling so lost that I made an appointment for myself for therapy. It really helped me emotionally. Once I go that better under control then I could think more clearly, and interact much more effectively with him. When my emotions were out of whack I felt terrible and was also frustrated with myself!

My husband used individual therapy. A doctor who specialized in treating addiction - or as they now call it - alcohol and substance use disorder. His pattern has been periods of binging on alcohol and cocaine but with LONG periods of abstinence in-between. It seems to have started in college, but he feels there were emotional issues when he was younger that led him to experiment with substances as an escape/coping tool. So while most of his life has been fine, something will happen in his life - something very emotional for him, cutting him to the core so to speak and as part of the coping he turns to substances and then he will go off on a binge. This is what happened about 2 years ago and it was the first time I had ever seen him like that. He did intensive therapy in the beginning and then cut back. He still has a therapist and has regular check in appointments every 2 months I think. But if he feels the need for more then its there but the goal has been to learn and then apply the tools himself for a healthy life. He is doing well and has used therapy to also work through many underlying emotional issues that he had never truly explored. Hoping this will make a big difference and finally give him some peace on certain things from his past.

We have both also been using mindfulness approaches. (sometimes together. He is very good at walking me through visual imagery where you focus on breathing and relaxing your muscles).

Im going to attach a link for you. Its from the Mayo Clinic and has some info on it about treatment for 'use disorder'. Therapy was most helpful in increasing my understanding, but there are lots of online resources too.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...t/drc-20369250

You will see in there part of the treatment can also involve family /couples therapy. We did this also. very helpful and got us to communicating and listening much better ! In there you will also see some of the mindfulness approaches I mentioned. It also talks about how spirituality can be helpful in recovery. We did Christian counseling after things settled down, and since we both grew up with specific religious views - we started to attend church on a regular basis with a strong focus on family and the way we want to live our lives.

There is a lot of stuff to help people, and I think often its trial and error to see what works best. Another thing that I gained through therapy was understanding that this can be a complex issue and even when a person realizes the problem and wants help. Change and sobriety can be difficult and its normal for there to be multiple attempts, steps forward and back. As a family member, having realistic expectations has helped with my emotions too.

Will add: Each of us has to make our own decisions on if we are happy in a relationship, if its fulfilling, if we are healthy and safe. We each have to explore our relationships with the people in our lives including a spouse and decide if the behaviors are unacceptable, if the negatives outweigh the positives. There is never any shame in leaving a relationship that is unhealthy or unfulfilling. I separated from my husband 2x as we went through this. Once I was scared because his behaviors were so bad, and the other time I just needed space and to decide if I could really commit to the marriage- even after he was sober and back on track. I needed to do those things for myself. This forum is to support YOU the family member in any path you choose.

Try reading around the whole website here. Newcomers has a lot of people who are working on their sobriety and life changes. There are even daily support threads. After reading a lot I think many people use online resources like this for accountability and support. Im here as a family member and I use therapy, many people are here from Alanon and AA using it, and there are many who use the Rational Recovery Approach and other types (Im not familiar with all of them). Lots of sadness here, but also lots of hope and inspiration.

trailmix

Hi GrassAlley,

I didn't want to hijack the other thread by replying but just wanted to say i'm really sorry about your dog. That have must have been very hard for you.