I'm back and committed!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
I'm back and committed!
Hey all. I posted here a little over year ago and have since been off and on the bottle. Recently had a ten week stint where I felt pretty good but honestly I think I was just seeing how long I could go sober before I felt I was ready to drink reasonably again. Sound familiar? (The things we tell ourselves.)
This time I'm ready to live a sober life. An app on my phone tells me it's been 4 days. I'll take it! I'll be posting often and sharing my story as well as reading yours in the hopes that we can make each other strong. I just wanted to post a quick hello here in my first step towards outside accountability.
I'm here,
I'm clear,
Get used to it.
This time I'm ready to live a sober life. An app on my phone tells me it's been 4 days. I'll take it! I'll be posting often and sharing my story as well as reading yours in the hopes that we can make each other strong. I just wanted to post a quick hello here in my first step towards outside accountability.
I'm here,
I'm clear,
Get used to it.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Suzy,
ime...this is the right place to help us all with staying clean.
I was thinking today that my first real sign of drinking related brain damage, that I recall, was back in 1992.
I started to have hot flashes and couldn't sleep due to obsessions. I remember now that I quit for 8 months that time.
Everything got better. I got in amazing shape and my job was looking up. So then I started drinking again.
It was a slow process, probably about 3 years or so to degenerate. I started having panic attacks again and had trouble driving at night. I started having problems with my vision while driving.
This got worse and worse. Binge drinking, daily drinking...what ever. Finally, I nearly crashed my car several times in a 2 day period. The world would start to spin. I had to pull over many times.
It was terrifying.
So now, I am back where I was when I quit in the early 90's. This time I know all about the damage I have done, the addiction, and the ramifications of starting drinking again.
I wanted to vent that out. I hope it somehow helps you stay clean.
Thinking back on how our drinking patterns damaged our health and life is sobering.
Thanks.
ime...this is the right place to help us all with staying clean.
I was thinking today that my first real sign of drinking related brain damage, that I recall, was back in 1992.
I started to have hot flashes and couldn't sleep due to obsessions. I remember now that I quit for 8 months that time.
Everything got better. I got in amazing shape and my job was looking up. So then I started drinking again.
It was a slow process, probably about 3 years or so to degenerate. I started having panic attacks again and had trouble driving at night. I started having problems with my vision while driving.
This got worse and worse. Binge drinking, daily drinking...what ever. Finally, I nearly crashed my car several times in a 2 day period. The world would start to spin. I had to pull over many times.
It was terrifying.
So now, I am back where I was when I quit in the early 90's. This time I know all about the damage I have done, the addiction, and the ramifications of starting drinking again.
I wanted to vent that out. I hope it somehow helps you stay clean.
Thinking back on how our drinking patterns damaged our health and life is sobering.
Thanks.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Great to have you back with new resolve, Suzy.
That's how it was for me, too - I kept insisting I could have control if I used enough willpower. Almost destroyed myself proving I could never moderate.
Welcome back.
That's how it was for me, too - I kept insisting I could have control if I used enough willpower. Almost destroyed myself proving I could never moderate.
Welcome back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by D122y 
Suzy,
ime...this is the right place to help us all with staying clean.
I was thinking today that my first real sign of drinking related brain damage, that I recall, was back in 1992.
I started to have hot flashes and couldn't sleep due to obsessions. I remember now that I quit for 8 months that time.
Everything got better. I got in amazing shape and my job was looking up. So then I started drinking again.
It was a slow process, probably about 3 years or so to degenerate. I started having panic attacks again and had trouble driving at night. I started having problems with my vision while driving.
This got worse and worse. Binge drinking, daily drinking...what ever. Finally, I nearly crashed my car several times in a 2 day period. The world would start to spin. I had to pull over many times.
It was terrifying.
So now, I am back where I was when I quit in the early 90's. This time I know all about the damage I have done, the addiction, and the ramifications of starting drinking again.
I wanted to vent that out. I hope it somehow helps you stay clean.
Thinking back on how our drinking patterns damaged our health and life is sobering.
Thanks.
ime...this is the right place to help us all with staying clean.
I was thinking today that my first real sign of drinking related brain damage, that I recall, was back in 1992.
I started to have hot flashes and couldn't sleep due to obsessions. I remember now that I quit for 8 months that time.
Everything got better. I got in amazing shape and my job was looking up. So then I started drinking again.
It was a slow process, probably about 3 years or so to degenerate. I started having panic attacks again and had trouble driving at night. I started having problems with my vision while driving.
This got worse and worse. Binge drinking, daily drinking...what ever. Finally, I nearly crashed my car several times in a 2 day period. The world would start to spin. I had to pull over many times.
It was terrifying.
So now, I am back where I was when I quit in the early 90's. This time I know all about the damage I have done, the addiction, and the ramifications of starting drinking again.
I wanted to vent that out. I hope it somehow helps you stay clean.
Thinking back on how our drinking patterns damaged our health and life is sobering.
Thanks.
I've been convincing myself that these things were not a result of drinking but of other factors in my life. A nice example is I was hospitalized with an ulcer and scoured the internet for articles that would say that ulcers are a result of stress more than drinking so I could justify keeping on with the alcohol.
Thanks for sharing your story! Thank you to everyone who commented, I'm feeling supported already. The urges are strong but I am stronger.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
A component of my plan is to log in here when I feel like a drink. So I may be here a lot in my first few weeks. Until I get the lay of the land, I'll post my random thoughts here if that's okay. Just gotta get it out of my head and put it somewhere else.
My latest turning point (there have been many but I really want to remember this and hope it remains burned in my mind) was when I drank about 21 beers on a Wednesday. I was not partying, I wasn't on vacation, I was doing regular stuff-home repairs, homework, making my children dinner...basically just hanging around the house. I thought alcohol would make these tasks more enjoyable and I want to know that that is a lie. The next morning, I didn't even feel too terrible. (When my husband got home that night, he had no idea I had killed an 18 pack and hid the evidence.) I did the math and was completely ashamed. Why on EARTH would someone drink that much and wake up the next day and be like, oh cool, I don't even feel THAT bad???
In truth, I felt poisoned. I was poisoned. There were four beers left in the fridge. I drank them as I wrote a paper for school and thought WTF am I doing? I decided to quit. Thursday at 6:26 p.m.
The next day I remember putting on my makeup and my hands were trembling. I want to remember how pathetic I felt but also my strong resolve to be kinder to myself. I took the next couple of days easy. Resting and eating when I could, noticing the changes in my body, trying to burn it in my brain that I would never have to feel this way again.
That last beer was Thursday, this is Monday. It seems like a life time ago. Thanks for reading, this really helped me when just 20 minutes ago I thought, "hey girl, you can have a drink. Wouldn't it make housework go more smoothly? The drive-thru is right up the street, you wouldn't even have to get out of the car." I believe ya'll call that the alcoholic voice and I want it to know that I acknowledge its presence, but it has no control over me.
I'm not attempting to quit.
I'm not waiting until I think I can handle it.
I'm done. (And I expect to be much richer and thinner in a year. Wheee!)
My latest turning point (there have been many but I really want to remember this and hope it remains burned in my mind) was when I drank about 21 beers on a Wednesday. I was not partying, I wasn't on vacation, I was doing regular stuff-home repairs, homework, making my children dinner...basically just hanging around the house. I thought alcohol would make these tasks more enjoyable and I want to know that that is a lie. The next morning, I didn't even feel too terrible. (When my husband got home that night, he had no idea I had killed an 18 pack and hid the evidence.) I did the math and was completely ashamed. Why on EARTH would someone drink that much and wake up the next day and be like, oh cool, I don't even feel THAT bad???
In truth, I felt poisoned. I was poisoned. There were four beers left in the fridge. I drank them as I wrote a paper for school and thought WTF am I doing? I decided to quit. Thursday at 6:26 p.m.
The next day I remember putting on my makeup and my hands were trembling. I want to remember how pathetic I felt but also my strong resolve to be kinder to myself. I took the next couple of days easy. Resting and eating when I could, noticing the changes in my body, trying to burn it in my brain that I would never have to feel this way again.
That last beer was Thursday, this is Monday. It seems like a life time ago. Thanks for reading, this really helped me when just 20 minutes ago I thought, "hey girl, you can have a drink. Wouldn't it make housework go more smoothly? The drive-thru is right up the street, you wouldn't even have to get out of the car." I believe ya'll call that the alcoholic voice and I want it to know that I acknowledge its presence, but it has no control over me.
I'm not attempting to quit.
I'm not waiting until I think I can handle it.
I'm done. (And I expect to be much richer and thinner in a year. Wheee!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
And another thing!
Note to self: You were not in control of alcohol because you managed to keep the kids alive and maintain a high GPA in college. You were lucky. You are a bright woman and just imagine how amazing you will be when you live life out of the fog!
Note to self: You were not in control of alcohol because you managed to keep the kids alive and maintain a high GPA in college. You were lucky. You are a bright woman and just imagine how amazing you will be when you live life out of the fog!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
Woke up this morning feeling absolutely awful. I had nightmares all night and dreamt I drank an entire box (4 bottles) of wine. I woke up with that shame and regret until I realized it was just a dream. Then I shot out of bed and realized I felt great! No hangover, no stomach pains, and my skin looked amazing!
I had therapy at ten and it went so well. I told my therapist I quit drinking and also addressed some issues I've been avoiding. Damn, it felt really good.
I'm coming up on 5 days this evening and I'm very pleased with myself. I'll keep checking in especially this evening because that's when the idea to drink usually seeps into my brain. I will not falter. I have already come so far and I'm so grateful for this community. You all will never know how much you already mean to me.
Have a nice, clear day everyone!
I had therapy at ten and it went so well. I told my therapist I quit drinking and also addressed some issues I've been avoiding. Damn, it felt really good.
I'm coming up on 5 days this evening and I'm very pleased with myself. I'll keep checking in especially this evening because that's when the idea to drink usually seeps into my brain. I will not falter. I have already come so far and I'm so grateful for this community. You all will never know how much you already mean to me.
Have a nice, clear day everyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome back, SuzyCube.
It can be such a relief to finally acknowledge and accept that we are alcoholics - no more futile attempts at ,operation, no more games with ourselves, no more agonizing over normalcy or non. It is liberating.
Do you have a Plan for sobriety and recovery?
I will post a link to a great SR thread in a minute.
It can be such a relief to finally acknowledge and accept that we are alcoholics - no more futile attempts at ,operation, no more games with ourselves, no more agonizing over normalcy or non. It is liberating.
Do you have a Plan for sobriety and recovery?
I will post a link to a great SR thread in a minute.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
Thank you everyone!
SoberL, you shared those with me the first time I posted at the end of 2016, thanks again! 😊
I really do feel liberated. I do have a plan, I'll post my thoughts on that in a bit. Just wanted to check in and say yes, I thought of drinking but no, I didn't give in. I feel like I'm adding up victories everytime I choose a sober life (which is a BAZILLION times a day at this point!). I always wanted to be a winner so this is working out just swell.
SoberL, you shared those with me the first time I posted at the end of 2016, thanks again! 😊
I really do feel liberated. I do have a plan, I'll post my thoughts on that in a bit. Just wanted to check in and say yes, I thought of drinking but no, I didn't give in. I feel like I'm adding up victories everytime I choose a sober life (which is a BAZILLION times a day at this point!). I always wanted to be a winner so this is working out just swell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
Closing in on Day 6. It hasn't been easy but like the title says, I AM COMMITTED.
I'd like to share my plan here, mostly for myself, but also for anyone else who cares to give it a gander.
1. My plan is alive, like me, so I expect it to change and grow. If something doesn't work, or if I fail in any way, that is no reason to drink. My plan and I will simply adapt to changes.
2. There is no reason to drink. When I feel like drinking, (it's early days so it is consuming my thoughts) I will remember hangovers. When I feel like drinking, I will remember cancelling plans. When I feel like drinking, I will remember the physical pain I was in. When I feel like drinking, I will remember my resolve to live sober. It's pretty easy to remember what I thought I liked about drinking, but that was a lie. I need to remember the TRUTHS-mainly that it was ruining me. Also, I will log in here whether I feel I need to or not.
3. REMEMBER Drinking is not something I had a relationship with. I have relationships with humans who rely on me and alcohol was destroying that, not the other way around.
4. Something I am doing differently this time: Being honest. I was (am) completely afraid to admit I have a problem. I imagined all sorts of pitiful glances my way. I was more afraid of being seen as weak than I was of acknowledging my addiction. But guess what? That was another lie. I feel strong and confident. And also, I don't have to share everything all at once. I'm starting small. I've told a few people that I am quitting drinking because alcohol does nothing for me. That's the truth and it has been met with respect. I will share the rest when I am ready.
5. Go slow. I'm taking everything slow. I have a tendency to dive into anything I do (a blessing and a curse) but with my sobriety, I am applying the adage "Slow and Steady Wins the Race". I don't want to bombard my brain with a million activities and new hobbies, setting myself up to fail and use that as an excuse to drink. I have small, slow goals, basically 'don't drink right now'. I find that right now never ends.
6. I plan on reinforcing the hobbies that I DO have. I play guitar and ukulele, read a lot of books, do fiber arts, and translate ancient Latin texts. (Currently working on Ovid's Metamorphoses, any other Classics nerds here?)
7. Exercise when I am ready. Mainly walking, bike-riding, and yoga.
8. Look forward to the future! I used to begrudge my drinking before I even picked up the bottle. SO much time wasted on thinking about booze, drinking booze, recovering, etc. etc. etc. I'm applying to grad school and am excited to approach that with a clear head.
9. Strengthen my relationship with my dude and my children. I have many thoughts on this one but that one sentence pretty much says it all.
10. STAY POSITIVE. This isn't a life sentence! This is the beginning of a new life, and I really, truly mean that. I can honestly say that I look forward to being present from here on out.
That is my rough draft. It isn't as articulate as I would like but I am experiencing heavy brain fog at the moment. But don't worry about me, I have a French press of nice coffee waiting and I think I hear the sofa calling my name.
Thank you to everyone here! I am very grateful for this support.
I'd like to share my plan here, mostly for myself, but also for anyone else who cares to give it a gander.
1. My plan is alive, like me, so I expect it to change and grow. If something doesn't work, or if I fail in any way, that is no reason to drink. My plan and I will simply adapt to changes.
2. There is no reason to drink. When I feel like drinking, (it's early days so it is consuming my thoughts) I will remember hangovers. When I feel like drinking, I will remember cancelling plans. When I feel like drinking, I will remember the physical pain I was in. When I feel like drinking, I will remember my resolve to live sober. It's pretty easy to remember what I thought I liked about drinking, but that was a lie. I need to remember the TRUTHS-mainly that it was ruining me. Also, I will log in here whether I feel I need to or not.
3. REMEMBER Drinking is not something I had a relationship with. I have relationships with humans who rely on me and alcohol was destroying that, not the other way around.
4. Something I am doing differently this time: Being honest. I was (am) completely afraid to admit I have a problem. I imagined all sorts of pitiful glances my way. I was more afraid of being seen as weak than I was of acknowledging my addiction. But guess what? That was another lie. I feel strong and confident. And also, I don't have to share everything all at once. I'm starting small. I've told a few people that I am quitting drinking because alcohol does nothing for me. That's the truth and it has been met with respect. I will share the rest when I am ready.
5. Go slow. I'm taking everything slow. I have a tendency to dive into anything I do (a blessing and a curse) but with my sobriety, I am applying the adage "Slow and Steady Wins the Race". I don't want to bombard my brain with a million activities and new hobbies, setting myself up to fail and use that as an excuse to drink. I have small, slow goals, basically 'don't drink right now'. I find that right now never ends.
6. I plan on reinforcing the hobbies that I DO have. I play guitar and ukulele, read a lot of books, do fiber arts, and translate ancient Latin texts. (Currently working on Ovid's Metamorphoses, any other Classics nerds here?)
7. Exercise when I am ready. Mainly walking, bike-riding, and yoga.
8. Look forward to the future! I used to begrudge my drinking before I even picked up the bottle. SO much time wasted on thinking about booze, drinking booze, recovering, etc. etc. etc. I'm applying to grad school and am excited to approach that with a clear head.
9. Strengthen my relationship with my dude and my children. I have many thoughts on this one but that one sentence pretty much says it all.
10. STAY POSITIVE. This isn't a life sentence! This is the beginning of a new life, and I really, truly mean that. I can honestly say that I look forward to being present from here on out.
That is my rough draft. It isn't as articulate as I would like but I am experiencing heavy brain fog at the moment. But don't worry about me, I have a French press of nice coffee waiting and I think I hear the sofa calling my name.
Thank you to everyone here! I am very grateful for this support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 20
I just want to throw this out there, don't be fooled if I come across as too positive and hopeful. This is very difficult and I respect that. I recently went ten weeks but I was pregnant and already counting down the days when I could drink again. When I miscarried in December, I picked up the bottle and didn't put it down until last Thursday. I used my pregnancy as an excuse to get clean for nine months. Now I look forward to getting pregnant in a body that is ALREADY CLEAN!
I dunno if that helps or if anyone can relate or if I'm writing too much or what but this is helping me so there's that.
I dunno if that helps or if anyone can relate or if I'm writing too much or what but this is helping me so there's that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
