Princessofhope

So my AH has been clean for 5months, going to meetings and beginning step work. I am trying to heal but finding it hard to let go of the hurt his using caused and find I’m constantly assuming a relapse will happen. His using, lies and manipulation lead me to have severe anxiety (medicated) and now on level which I manage without medication (or try to!!)

His reasons for leaving are (in no particular order):
1. Nothing he does is good enough for me.
2. I don’t show him love!
3. He’s fed up with me hurting him!
4. I have apparently always wanted our relationship to end.

I don’t even know where to begin.

AnvilheadII

altho it hurts, it sounds like it might not be a bad thing in the grand scheme?

Princessofhope

The sensible part of me knows that but the pride in me is devastated. I have been through all that he put me through and tried so hard to save our family, now when it’s finally a possibility, I’m not good enough? That’s hard to take!!

Ann

5 months is a good start but it is not long term recovery. He still has a long way to go, including taking responsibility for his part of the damage done due to his addiction.

Sadly, sometimes a relationship can be repaired through counseling and 2 people working very hard to heal.

More often, the damage of the past comes into the present and it is very hard to trust, to forgive and to live without always fearing a relapse...which is a hard reality of many recoveries.

The biggest red flag here is the fact that he is blaming you entirely for the breakdown of your marriage. With an attitude like that, his odds of maintaining recovery lesson.

Take the time and space to heal, to find your own balance and work on learning to live a healthy and happy life. That way, no matter how this unfolds, YOU will be okay.

Hugs

OpheliaKatz

Yeah I've heard these excuses before... and from an active addict. He's still blaming other people for his problems, so this is not true recovery. It's likely that staying sober with you is too hard and he's going to use this break up as a poor excuse to start drinking/drugging again (not that he needs one). You're probably better off without him. Out of the four reasons on his list, probably number 1 is the only one that is accurate.

zoso77

Well, having been on the receiving end of an addict's mercurial behavior, including a vicious breakup on her part, I can tell you the first place to begin is to decide you've had enough.

You're done. Terminé. Hecho.

Delete his contact information. Block him on social media. Set up an email filter that automatically reroutes any email from him into your junk folder. Then begin the process of rebuilding your life. Bit by bit. Day by day.

And don't look back, except to learn whatever you need to learn from this.

Princessofhope

I forgot about this thread and life as a working mum took over.

I’m sure Anvilhead and others will shake their head in dismay but he is back again. Still clean and with a change in attitude. He spent a month on his mums sofa with as much no contact as is possible when kids are involved. It’s early days but he seems to ‘get it’ more now and is using his sponsor for guidance. Time will tell...

Princessofhope

Ann, despite not replying, I took your advice and focused on me while he was gone. Although he’s back I feel differently. I feel like I now have the strength and confidence to say what I need to say without worrying whether he will take off and use. I also feel like I have detached a lot - I know I could manage on my own if he starts using again. But having him here clean and attending meetings makes life that much easier (financially, he’s a good dad to our kids mostly, hes begun to help and support me more). I have learnt to live ‘just for today’ but have a strong plan b for the things I can’t control.

Ann

Just for today is a good way for any of us to live and it will help you a lot, I think. I am glad he is trying and taking the actions (meetings and sponsor) to stay clean. You are wise to wait and see how this unfolds over the long term. Time will tell but I pray he stays clean and can move forward with you and his children.

Keep taking care of you and your children, that will pay off big no matter how this unfolds. I wish you all the very best.