Stay at home? Go back to work? Am I enabling?
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Stay at home? Go back to work? Am I enabling?
I will try to make this brief.
I'm a stay at home mother to 3 wonderful (very young, oldest is 5) kids.
I am struggling with whether I should return to work or not.
Husband's work schedule is such that he has 2-3 weekdays off. But if I worked, I would be working Monday- Friday. (He has Mondays and Tuesdays off.....we cannot change his schedule.) That would mean some of his days off....... nobody would be home. He has expressed in the recent past that those days off with nobody home could be a huge stumbling block to staying sober. So basically....I feel like a crutch. It cannot be my job to keep him sober. Correct?
The other reason for staying home was that we both really desire to homeschool our kids. Obviously can't do that if we're both working. (My income alone cannot support us.)
Any advice on this?
Oh, and to get to what was in the title of my post.....the subject of enabling.
Could he be using me in this position of being home and not working as his "bottom"? As in....is it possible he thinks we can just keep going through these cycles of "drunk-repentance-white knuckle through a couple months of sobriety-crash again" cycles and he maybe subconsciously thinks I have no limit as to where I draw the line......and by remaining at home, am I therefore helping to enable this cycle?
I'm a stay at home mother to 3 wonderful (very young, oldest is 5) kids.
I am struggling with whether I should return to work or not.
Husband's work schedule is such that he has 2-3 weekdays off. But if I worked, I would be working Monday- Friday. (He has Mondays and Tuesdays off.....we cannot change his schedule.) That would mean some of his days off....... nobody would be home. He has expressed in the recent past that those days off with nobody home could be a huge stumbling block to staying sober. So basically....I feel like a crutch. It cannot be my job to keep him sober. Correct?
The other reason for staying home was that we both really desire to homeschool our kids. Obviously can't do that if we're both working. (My income alone cannot support us.)
Any advice on this?
Oh, and to get to what was in the title of my post.....the subject of enabling.
Could he be using me in this position of being home and not working as his "bottom"? As in....is it possible he thinks we can just keep going through these cycles of "drunk-repentance-white knuckle through a couple months of sobriety-crash again" cycles and he maybe subconsciously thinks I have no limit as to where I draw the line......and by remaining at home, am I therefore helping to enable this cycle?
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So draw a line.
It's absolutely nothing about you that makes him drink. It's all in that eight inches between his own ears.
What does this mean? Nobody? You mean you wouldn't be there to watch over him? How old is he? nine? For Pete sake, he's a grown ass man who has a drinking problem and he needs a babysitter?
Set boundaires. If you need help with that, I would suggest (again) Al Anon meetings or counseling.
It's absolutely nothing about you that makes him drink. It's all in that eight inches between his own ears.
That would mean some of his days off....... nobody would be home.
Set boundaires. If you need help with that, I would suggest (again) Al Anon meetings or counseling.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Oh, and to get to what was in the title of my post.....the subject of enabling.
Could he be using me in this position of being home and not working as his "bottom"? As in....is it possible he thinks we can just keep going through these cycles of "drunk-repentance-white knuckle through a couple months of sobriety-crash again" cycles and he maybe subconsciously thinks I have no limit as to where I draw the line......and by remaining at home, am I therefore helping to enable this cycle?
Could he be using me in this position of being home and not working as his "bottom"? As in....is it possible he thinks we can just keep going through these cycles of "drunk-repentance-white knuckle through a couple months of sobriety-crash again" cycles and he maybe subconsciously thinks I have no limit as to where I draw the line......and by remaining at home, am I therefore helping to enable this cycle?
Being dependent on an alcoholic for anything is never a good idea. Becoming self-sufficient is key to your survival.
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You're absolutely right.
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
So draw a line.
It's absolutely nothing about you that makes him drink. It's all in that eight inches between his own ears.
What does this mean? Nobody? You mean you wouldn't be there to watch over him? How old is he? nine? For Pete sake, he's a grown ass man who has a drinking problem and he needs a babysitter?
Set boundaires. If you need help with that, I would suggest (again) Al Anon meetings or counseling.
It's absolutely nothing about you that makes him drink. It's all in that eight inches between his own ears.
What does this mean? Nobody? You mean you wouldn't be there to watch over him? How old is he? nine? For Pete sake, he's a grown ass man who has a drinking problem and he needs a babysitter?
Set boundaires. If you need help with that, I would suggest (again) Al Anon meetings or counseling.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
He has expressed in the recent past that those days off with nobody home could be a huge stumbling block to staying sober.
there was a time i had to get out of the underoos, but on some big boy britches, and take accountability and responsibility for my recovery.
one thing putting stipulations on my recovery did was give me a door for something or someone to blame if/when i drank again
there was a time i had to get out of the underoos, but on some big boy britches, and take accountability and responsibility for my recovery.
one thing putting stipulations on my recovery did was give me a door for something or someone to blame if/when i drank again
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Next steps
Right now, where I'm at is trying to figure out logistics of getting to Al-anon. It's very difficult because of kids/schedules but I'm working on figuring it out. In the meantime, i thought I'd post my thoughts on here and see what you all thought.
Thanks for your input. I truly appreciate it.
Thanks for your input. I truly appreciate it.
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Next steps cont'd
I feel I should return to work to be more prepared for worst case scenarios.
What keeps me from pulling the trigger is that it is not what I want/wanted for our kids. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel that's what's best for them is me being home. But what's best for me.....is returning to work. I feel like I have to choose between their needs and mine and mother's almost always choose the kids over themselves.
What keeps me from pulling the trigger is that it is not what I want/wanted for our kids. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel that's what's best for them is me being home. But what's best for me.....is returning to work. I feel like I have to choose between their needs and mine and mother's almost always choose the kids over themselves.
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Location: Florida
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My first thought reading your post is that an active addict can't be relied on for something as important as homeschooling. He can't handle the schooling & you staying home keeps you out of the work force & dependent on him for income & security. It gives you less than zero control over something hugely important for anyone dealing with progressing addiction.
Since your intro was posted in the Newcomers section, I'm going to re-post it here for context for F&F reading this update.... it contains a lot of relevant info to your situation:
I'm glad you found us - you'll get great feedback here. 
Since your intro was posted in the Newcomers section, I'm going to re-post it here for context for F&F reading this update.... it contains a lot of relevant info to your situation:
Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
History/facts:
13 years of marriage, 3 young children.
I feel God's call on me to homeschool after years of me resisting the idea. We've been doing it with huge success. This may not seem like a crucial detail, but it makes sense if you keep reading.
I'm a stay at home mom. I wasn't until about 4 years ago. Decided to raise/have more babies and that's what I wanted.
I was completely blind to the alcohol abuse for like....ever. LOL It's not really funny but... just ridiculous how much I was blinded to it. I have only had my eyes wide open now for the past 2 and a half years. I was raised in a wonderful, healthy home. No abuse or toxicity.... nothing. I had never even been around someone who was drunk. I don't know what I thought was the problem for all of those years.....I guess I just thought he was a jerk, moody, maybe crazy...idk... stuff like that.
I'm not sure how much detail I should be giving, but I'll try to keep it succinct.
2 years ago, I felt a strong pull (I feel it was the holy Spirit.) to check his phone while he was sleeping. I found porn and that became ground zero. I confronted him the next day and he was very repentant. I put up boundaries immediately (accountability software on all devices including phones). This is when he began to stop drinking.....or try. He said the drinking is what allowed him to seek out the porn.... because his judgment was altered....oooookkkk....
We moved to a different house recently, just this past December. New start on a number of fronts. This entire time, I thought he was sober.
Wrong. It only took 2 weeks in the new house for a complete blow out. He was so terrible to me, two nights in a row. Always always after the kids were in bed, which shows strategy to me. He broke several things. Even dropped a huge tv on his toe and broke the tv also. I was afraid. He did not harm me, but I was afraid.
The next morning, repentant, of course.
Threw himself in AA. Even has a sponsor.
(Who happens to attend our church.)
I felt relief, but there's always that horrible feeling of dread, you know? Like.... when's it coming.....I know it's coming....
And then BAM.
Last Monday. Except this time the kids were not in bed yet. This to me is a ramping up....the progressiveness that is always referred to. It was bedtime for the kids and he was pressuring our oldest child to come out to the garage with him and work on a project. Our child expressed they didn't want to (it was very cold). I did not step in because I knew it would cause a big scene in front of said child and I didn't want that.
I will skip the rest of the details because it's all the same. He was smashed. Didn't even make it 90 days. Repentant and sorrowful in the morning? You bet.
I contacted his sponsor that night because I had nobody else to talk to and just didn't know what to do.
So my questions are.....
1) I am starting to feel very insecure. As in.....I feel this tug to go back to work in the case that we reach a worst case scenario. Then at least I have some sort of back up.
I struggle with this because aside from RAH, we have a beautiful home life. Very relaxed, no hurrying off early every morning to rush to daycare/school/work, whatever. They are in many activities that wouldn't be possible if I was working (gymnastics, swimming, art classes, extra church activities.) Going back to work would be such an upset to their entire lives and that makes me feel. So. Terrible. I wanted to capitalize that last part, but I think that's frowned upon. ��
Can anyone talk to this? The "go back to work or not" scenario?
2) I hear a lot about "take care of yourself and the kids" but what does that actually look like in real life?!?! I'm already taking care of myself and the kids. Like seriously. I am. They have a wonderful home life. I am keeping myself healthy (mentally and emotionally.... obviously I am not healthy.....I am about to begin attending Al-Anon to address my recovery.) I realize that without an emotionally healthy mom, things really won't be peachy for the kids. They are young now.....but what I fear is that if we stay and this continues....they will be scared for life and at that point it will be my fault for keeping them in that environment.
3) I am working on what my boundaries will be going forward and wanted to bounce them off of someone to see if they are appropriate.
I think that's all I have for now....
Thank you for reading/listening.
13 years of marriage, 3 young children.
I feel God's call on me to homeschool after years of me resisting the idea. We've been doing it with huge success. This may not seem like a crucial detail, but it makes sense if you keep reading.
I'm a stay at home mom. I wasn't until about 4 years ago. Decided to raise/have more babies and that's what I wanted.
I was completely blind to the alcohol abuse for like....ever. LOL It's not really funny but... just ridiculous how much I was blinded to it. I have only had my eyes wide open now for the past 2 and a half years. I was raised in a wonderful, healthy home. No abuse or toxicity.... nothing. I had never even been around someone who was drunk. I don't know what I thought was the problem for all of those years.....I guess I just thought he was a jerk, moody, maybe crazy...idk... stuff like that.
I'm not sure how much detail I should be giving, but I'll try to keep it succinct.
2 years ago, I felt a strong pull (I feel it was the holy Spirit.) to check his phone while he was sleeping. I found porn and that became ground zero. I confronted him the next day and he was very repentant. I put up boundaries immediately (accountability software on all devices including phones). This is when he began to stop drinking.....or try. He said the drinking is what allowed him to seek out the porn.... because his judgment was altered....oooookkkk....
We moved to a different house recently, just this past December. New start on a number of fronts. This entire time, I thought he was sober.
Wrong. It only took 2 weeks in the new house for a complete blow out. He was so terrible to me, two nights in a row. Always always after the kids were in bed, which shows strategy to me. He broke several things. Even dropped a huge tv on his toe and broke the tv also. I was afraid. He did not harm me, but I was afraid.
The next morning, repentant, of course.
Threw himself in AA. Even has a sponsor.
(Who happens to attend our church.)
I felt relief, but there's always that horrible feeling of dread, you know? Like.... when's it coming.....I know it's coming....
And then BAM.
Last Monday. Except this time the kids were not in bed yet. This to me is a ramping up....the progressiveness that is always referred to. It was bedtime for the kids and he was pressuring our oldest child to come out to the garage with him and work on a project. Our child expressed they didn't want to (it was very cold). I did not step in because I knew it would cause a big scene in front of said child and I didn't want that.
I will skip the rest of the details because it's all the same. He was smashed. Didn't even make it 90 days. Repentant and sorrowful in the morning? You bet.
I contacted his sponsor that night because I had nobody else to talk to and just didn't know what to do.
So my questions are.....
1) I am starting to feel very insecure. As in.....I feel this tug to go back to work in the case that we reach a worst case scenario. Then at least I have some sort of back up.
I struggle with this because aside from RAH, we have a beautiful home life. Very relaxed, no hurrying off early every morning to rush to daycare/school/work, whatever. They are in many activities that wouldn't be possible if I was working (gymnastics, swimming, art classes, extra church activities.) Going back to work would be such an upset to their entire lives and that makes me feel. So. Terrible. I wanted to capitalize that last part, but I think that's frowned upon. ��
Can anyone talk to this? The "go back to work or not" scenario?
2) I hear a lot about "take care of yourself and the kids" but what does that actually look like in real life?!?! I'm already taking care of myself and the kids. Like seriously. I am. They have a wonderful home life. I am keeping myself healthy (mentally and emotionally.... obviously I am not healthy.....I am about to begin attending Al-Anon to address my recovery.) I realize that without an emotionally healthy mom, things really won't be peachy for the kids. They are young now.....but what I fear is that if we stay and this continues....they will be scared for life and at that point it will be my fault for keeping them in that environment.
3) I am working on what my boundaries will be going forward and wanted to bounce them off of someone to see if they are appropriate.
I think that's all I have for now....
Thank you for reading/listening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Clarification
Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
Thanks for your honesty. You're absolutely right.
On his days off and he is home with me/kids, it keeps him busy. He's very involved in what the kids are doing, loves to be involved in the general day to day, does lots of household chores, home improvement projects....etc.
I think he sees it as something to focus on to keep the AV from getting too loud.
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Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
I feel I should return to work to be more prepared for worst case scenarios.
What keeps me from pulling the trigger is that it is not what I want/wanted for our kids. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel that's what's best for them is me being home. But what's best for me.....is returning to work. I feel like I have to choose between their needs and mine and mother's almost always choose the kids over themselves.
What keeps me from pulling the trigger is that it is not what I want/wanted for our kids. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel that's what's best for them is me being home. But what's best for me.....is returning to work. I feel like I have to choose between their needs and mine and mother's almost always choose the kids over themselves.
)But it doesn't change the facts of where you are & what you're dealing with.
Don't let this stuff become quicksand that keeps you from creating positive, necessary changes in your world. You know what your kids need? A healthy mom. You've heard how we compare this to the airline tutorial where they remind you that you HAVE to put on your oxygen mask BEFORE you can help others? Independent income is a big part of that mask for most of us.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
I should clarify.
On his days off and he is home with me/kids, it keeps him busy. He's very involved in what the kids are doing, loves to be involved in the general day to day, does lots of household chores, home improvement projects....etc.
I think he sees it as something to focus on to keep the AV from getting too loud.
On his days off and he is home with me/kids, it keeps him busy. He's very involved in what the kids are doing, loves to be involved in the general day to day, does lots of household chores, home improvement projects....etc.
I think he sees it as something to focus on to keep the AV from getting too loud.
He will try to blame you.
He will do whatever he has to do to keep drinking.
I would go back to work. Millions of kids survive just fine in public schools and with both parents working. I think you need to be prepared. Alcoholism is progressive and his ability to be rational and present is going to diminish.
Also, many men in particular seem to get sober when their family leaves.
Many don't.
No way to know.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Thank you firesprite!
Originally Posted by FireSprite
My first thought reading your post is that an active addict can't be relied on for something as important as homeschooling. He can't handle the schooling & you staying home keeps you out of the work force & dependent on him for income & security. It gives you less than zero control over something hugely important for anyone dealing with progressing addiction.
Since your intro was posted in the Newcomers section, I'm going to re-post it here for context for F&F reading this update.... it contains a lot of relevant info to your situation:
I'm glad you found us - you'll get great feedback here.
Since your intro was posted in the Newcomers section, I'm going to re-post it here for context for F&F reading this update.... it contains a lot of relevant info to your situation:
I'm glad you found us - you'll get great feedback here.
It just boils down to....I am heartbroken that I feel I have to uproot the life my children are accustomed to. It's so incredibly hard to let go of that, especially because everyone (friends/family) think everything is fine and me going to work will be quite shocking. Not giving some sort of explanation for it would be very difficult. Yes, I could be really vague, but it would just leave more questions and concerns. Or I could lie and say we need the money. Or I could just flat out tell the truth.
Last edited by Lakegirl111; 03-23-2018 at 08:33 AM. Reason: Typo
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You guys are saying everything I've been telling myself
Firesprite and Biminiblue:
You guys are saying everything I've been telling myself! I think it's denial that I'm fighting.
He is very lucid and rational when sober.
Do you think it would help if I showed him this thread and had him read through it.
Or maybe just take notes (literally) and have a heart to heart talk with him about this decision.
You guys are saying everything I've been telling myself! I think it's denial that I'm fighting.
He is very lucid and rational when sober.
Do you think it would help if I showed him this thread and had him read through it.
Or maybe just take notes (literally) and have a heart to heart talk with him about this decision.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
I feel I should return to work to be more prepared for worst case scenarios.
What keeps me from pulling the trigger is that it is not what I want/wanted for our kids. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel that's what's best for them is me being home. But what's best for me.....is returning to work. I feel like I have to choose between their needs and mine and mother's almost always choose the kids over themselves.
What keeps me from pulling the trigger is that it is not what I want/wanted for our kids. It breaks my heart to think about it. I feel that's what's best for them is me being home. But what's best for me.....is returning to work. I feel like I have to choose between their needs and mine and mother's almost always choose the kids over themselves.
Re: your husband. I don't really see this as an enabling situation exactly. Not unless he is staying home to drink on his days off, and your not going back to work so he can keep doing this. But it does seem a bit like he could be playing on fears/emotions saying the "pressure" will be hard on his sobriety. If he fears this, then now is the time for him to maybe go see a therapist, work on his coping skills?
To be honest however, its been hard on me, and my husband having our first child. I worry about him, the stress, lack of sleep and how it affects his overall health. We talk about it and we do try to come up with solutions together on certain things. Its always a mutual thing. Not all about him, not all about me. I think marriage should be like that.
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Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Lakegirl111
Firesprite and Biminiblue:
You guys are saying everything I've been telling myself! I think it's denial that I'm fighting.
He is very lucid and rational when sober.
Do you think it would help if I showed him this thread and had him read through it.
Or maybe just take notes (literally) and have a heart to heart talk with him about this decision.
You guys are saying everything I've been telling myself! I think it's denial that I'm fighting.
He is very lucid and rational when sober.
Do you think it would help if I showed him this thread and had him read through it.
Or maybe just take notes (literally) and have a heart to heart talk with him about this decision.
How much do you know about addiction Lakegirl? Is this your first attempt at learning about & understanding it?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I wouldn't, no. Absolutely not.
I wouldn't, no. Absolutely not.
even though my fiance had tossed me to the curb, i could visualize me fresh in recovery and her doing that. the reaction from me would have been me going ballistic.
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Homeschooling your kids jumped out at me here. I did that too..all 8 of mine with an active alcoholic in the house. They have all done really well but I did ALL the HS..all of it. Exah did nothing except sabotage my and their efforts. Looking back I wish I put them in school cos at least between 8 am and 4 pm they'd have had a break from him. He never worked and was home all day long causing endless problems. It wasn't always like that. When I first started HS he was doing things in the house and not being a complete nuisance ( eg he'd start drilling or knocking a wall down when the kids were working ) but alcoholism is progressive and by the end of HS life had become a nightmare for us all. If you want to HS I'd get him out the house first. If you can't afford to do it put them in school. I never wanted to work when my kids were young so I can't help you with that but maybe its more a escape for you given your life with your AH.
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LakeGirl111.......I am giving you the link to our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones. there are a lot of them...enough for you to read one every single day...lol...
there is soo much to know...
Knowledge is power...
Here is that link.....(this "library" is located within the "stickies" at the top of the page above the threads)...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The days that he is home alone would be a great opportunity for him to attend AA and meet/talk with his sponsor.....
Over the years, there has been no research that demonstrates that children fare worse when they have mothers who work outside of the home. There are many factors that go into a child's development...
We humans are programed for adaptability....your children should adjust, just fine....
there is soo much to know...
Knowledge is power...
Here is that link.....(this "library" is located within the "stickies" at the top of the page above the threads)...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
The days that he is home alone would be a great opportunity for him to attend AA and meet/talk with his sponsor.....
Over the years, there has been no research that demonstrates that children fare worse when they have mothers who work outside of the home. There are many factors that go into a child's development...
We humans are programed for adaptability....your children should adjust, just fine....
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LOL ok! I won't!
Firesprite, tomsteve:
I will not show him this thread (or elude to me even being on this forum).
But it obviously must be discussed and decided on. (The subject of returning to work.)
To clarify more....
He isn't getting drunk every time he has time off. I just feel that me and the kids being home is a crutch for him. He is very helpful when home, not distracting, helps with absolutely everything, diapers, laundry, school work, on and on. What I wonder is that he must know I am fearful about how he would handle it if I return to work. And it within the realm of possibility that he relies on that fear.....to keep this cycle going.....which keeps his addiction alive. Make sense?
I am pretty knew to understanding addiction, yes.
I have been doing tons and tons of reading. You all confirm everything I feel in my gut.
I will not show him this thread (or elude to me even being on this forum).
But it obviously must be discussed and decided on. (The subject of returning to work.)
To clarify more....
He isn't getting drunk every time he has time off. I just feel that me and the kids being home is a crutch for him. He is very helpful when home, not distracting, helps with absolutely everything, diapers, laundry, school work, on and on. What I wonder is that he must know I am fearful about how he would handle it if I return to work. And it within the realm of possibility that he relies on that fear.....to keep this cycle going.....which keeps his addiction alive. Make sense?
I am pretty knew to understanding addiction, yes.
I have been doing tons and tons of reading. You all confirm everything I feel in my gut.
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Sponsor question
I have met his sponsor.
I'm wondering if this is a conversation I could have with my husband and his sponsor together? Is that something that could be helpful in this? Obviously he's not a marriage counselor. But he is very helpful and perhaps it would help the conversation.
I'm wondering if this is a conversation I could have with my husband and his sponsor together? Is that something that could be helpful in this? Obviously he's not a marriage counselor. But he is very helpful and perhaps it would help the conversation.
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