I feel destroyed
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I feel destroyed
Hello everyone!
So, I dated a guy for 2 years who broke up with me two times because of his opioid addiction. When I fell in love with him I didn't know he was a drug addict and he only told me about his addiction the first time we broke up. He lied to me about everything, he always struggled with money and he had a good job (a very well paid one). He would always accuse me of doing stuff I never did and he would scream at me for no reason. I blamed the drugs and tried to help him.
Now I just feel like **** because we were separated for almost a year and he said he got clean in February of last year, so I wanted to see him and we spent a week together in January of this year. He said it was great and we had a great time. After that, he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts. He then said his life was a mess and his life made more sense while he was on drugs, for that reason he couldn't be in a relationship with me. It has been a month of no contact. I don't know anything about him rn, I'm so hurt and mad at him because everything seemed fine. I've done my best and gave him all my support and he didn't even bother answering my texts or contacting me. What's the best way to deal with this?
The last time we spoke I told him he could always trust me and talked to me if he needed.
So, I dated a guy for 2 years who broke up with me two times because of his opioid addiction. When I fell in love with him I didn't know he was a drug addict and he only told me about his addiction the first time we broke up. He lied to me about everything, he always struggled with money and he had a good job (a very well paid one). He would always accuse me of doing stuff I never did and he would scream at me for no reason. I blamed the drugs and tried to help him.
Now I just feel like **** because we were separated for almost a year and he said he got clean in February of last year, so I wanted to see him and we spent a week together in January of this year. He said it was great and we had a great time. After that, he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts. He then said his life was a mess and his life made more sense while he was on drugs, for that reason he couldn't be in a relationship with me. It has been a month of no contact. I don't know anything about him rn, I'm so hurt and mad at him because everything seemed fine. I've done my best and gave him all my support and he didn't even bother answering my texts or contacting me. What's the best way to deal with this?
The last time we spoke I told him he could always trust me and talked to me if he needed.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I'm sorry you're hurting hello. I think you've done all you can do at this time. He needs to work on himself. Drugs and alcohol make users selfish,as evidenced by his treatment of you. You would be best served by moving on and living your own life and taking care of yourself. He needs to come to terms with himself and his addictions. ((HUGS))
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by helloguys 
Hello everyone!
After that, he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts. He then said his life was a mess and his life made more sense while he was on drugs, for that reason he couldn't be in a relationship with me.
What's the best way to deal with this?
After that, he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts. He then said his life was a mess and his life made more sense while he was on drugs, for that reason he couldn't be in a relationship with me.
What's the best way to deal with this?
Sounds like a pretty clear message.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Anything is possible. Lots of people are depressed, and addiction is really difficult to break out of.
You are torturing yourself trying to figure it out. He's said he's out - you will one day be grateful for that.
I have had enough breakups to say that often there is no closure and no explanation that makes me feel better.
Spend time thinking about how you will heal, see friends, take up a new engrossing hobby and try to avoid mind-reading what's going on with him. It's over. I'll send a hug in your direction.
You'll get through this.
You are torturing yourself trying to figure it out. He's said he's out - you will one day be grateful for that.
I have had enough breakups to say that often there is no closure and no explanation that makes me feel better.
Spend time thinking about how you will heal, see friends, take up a new engrossing hobby and try to avoid mind-reading what's going on with him. It's over. I'll send a hug in your direction.
You'll get through this.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by helloguys
Thank you! Is it possible that he is struggling with addiction or depression after a year of being clean?
-When I fell in love with him I didn't know he was a drug addict and he only told me about his addiction the first time we broke up.
-He lied to me about everything
-he always struggled with money and he had a good job
-He would always accuse me of doing stuff I never did
- he would scream at me for no reason.
then a year later:
-he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts
- then said his life was a mess
- and his life made more sense while he was on drugs
hellowguys, you may want to look at the reasons you are feeling the way you do- to me it reads like you may have felt you could save him.
and if thats the case,why.
maybe look at how you define love,too.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by daredevil
When you don't return texts/calls, what message are you trying to send?
He's probably conveying the same message.
He's probably conveying the same message.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
What Tomsteve said, in spades.
I’m sorry. I know it hurts, and it’s maddening to have so many unanswered questions—but let reason and self-preservation be your guide.
Drown yourself in new activities and healthy interests.
Distract yourself. He’s a dead end.
I’m sorry. I know it hurts, and it’s maddening to have so many unanswered questions—but let reason and self-preservation be your guide.
Drown yourself in new activities and healthy interests.
Distract yourself. He’s a dead end.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
anything is possible. however, i hope you start focusing on your own well being. it reads like you were given red flags some time ago:
-When I fell in love with him I didn't know he was a drug addict and he only told me about his addiction the first time we broke up.
-He lied to me about everything
-he always struggled with money and he had a good job
-He would always accuse me of doing stuff I never did
- he would scream at me for no reason.
then a year later:
-he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts
- then said his life was a mess
- and his life made more sense while he was on drugs
hellowguys, you may want to look at the reasons you are feeling the way you do- to me it reads like you may have felt you could save him.
and if thats the case,why.
maybe look at how you define love,too.
-When I fell in love with him I didn't know he was a drug addict and he only told me about his addiction the first time we broke up.
-He lied to me about everything
-he always struggled with money and he had a good job
-He would always accuse me of doing stuff I never did
- he would scream at me for no reason.
then a year later:
-he wouldn't answer the phone or answer my texts
- then said his life was a mess
- and his life made more sense while he was on drugs
hellowguys, you may want to look at the reasons you are feeling the way you do- to me it reads like you may have felt you could save him.
and if thats the case,why.
maybe look at how you define love,too.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
He’d probably be just as indifferent to your revenge attempts as he is to your caring efforts.
The anger is 100% understandable, but it’s just prolonging the harm that’s being done to you. Don’t deny it, but don’t feed it.
I am sorry.
The anger is 100% understandable, but it’s just prolonging the harm that’s being done to you. Don’t deny it, but don’t feed it.
I am sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Gilmer
He’d probably be just as indifferent to your revenge attempts as he is to your caring efforts.
The anger is 100% understandable, but it’s just prolonging the harm that’s being done to you. Don’t deny it, but don’t feed it.
I am sorry.
The anger is 100% understandable, but it’s just prolonging the harm that’s being done to you. Don’t deny it, but don’t feed it.
I am sorry.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by helloguys
Yeah it seems he didn't love me. He didn't answer my texts or call me but he did the same to his family. Im moving on...I'm still very mad though and I want to hurt him the same way he hurt me
- prolonged my healing and learning
- continued the insanity.
as hard as it was, i had to understand she was a sick woman. then pray for her- pray for her to get everything i wanted.
getting hit by a semi wasnt something i wanted, so not a good thing to pray for her.
although i honestly wanted that to happen to her.
i also looked at why i allowed myself to get into the relationship.
that all helped tremendously. eventually i found peace and acceptance. i was also able to forgive her.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
quite understandable there. i found retaliation dida couple things:
- prolonged my healing and learning
- continued the insanity.
as hard as it was, i had to understand she was a sick woman. then pray for her- pray for her to get everything i wanted.
getting hit by a semi wasnt something i wanted, so not a good thing to pray for her.
although i honestly wanted that to happen to her.
i also looked at why i allowed myself to get into the relationship.
that all helped tremendously. eventually i found peace and acceptance. i was also able to forgive her.
- prolonged my healing and learning
- continued the insanity.
as hard as it was, i had to understand she was a sick woman. then pray for her- pray for her to get everything i wanted.
getting hit by a semi wasnt something i wanted, so not a good thing to pray for her.
although i honestly wanted that to happen to her.
i also looked at why i allowed myself to get into the relationship.
that all helped tremendously. eventually i found peace and acceptance. i was also able to forgive her.
Hello Steve! So, you were in a relationship with an addict? I want to be able to forgive him too. Sometimes I'm really mad at him, other times I feel concerned about him.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by helloguys
Hello Steve! So, you were in a relationship with an addict? I want to be able to forgive him too. Sometimes I'm really mad at him, other times I feel concerned about him.
heres the REAL kicker:
i got into that relationship with a chronic relapsing addict/akie AFTER i got clean and sober. i had treated the alcoholism/addiction, but not the codependency, which took a few year after i ended that relationship even.
it was a roller coaster for me,too- id want her to get hit by a semi, then feel like crap for thinking that. it all passed as i worked on me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I answer to people when they contact me, it's just being respectful.
is it? or are we becoming a little too attached to contact on demand?? just BECAUSE someone calls, we do NOT have to answer, right away at least. just BECAUSE someone leaves us a voicemail, we do NOT have to respond right away, or at all. just BECAUSE someone texts us, we are not OBLIGATED to reply. especially if it's someone we are no longer involved with nor wish to communicate.
let his silence speak. sounds like he's still pretty messed up in the head and did you the kindest favor by getting out of your life once again. we can like people and still not be able to be close to them. we can love people, but do so from afar because it's safer.
i still think there should a breakup rule - one breakup, ok. two breakups game over. when we get to three or more breakups, obviously we are missing something key.
is it? or are we becoming a little too attached to contact on demand?? just BECAUSE someone calls, we do NOT have to answer, right away at least. just BECAUSE someone leaves us a voicemail, we do NOT have to respond right away, or at all. just BECAUSE someone texts us, we are not OBLIGATED to reply. especially if it's someone we are no longer involved with nor wish to communicate.
let his silence speak. sounds like he's still pretty messed up in the head and did you the kindest favor by getting out of your life once again. we can like people and still not be able to be close to them. we can love people, but do so from afar because it's safer.
i still think there should a breakup rule - one breakup, ok. two breakups game over. when we get to three or more breakups, obviously we are missing something key.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
heres the kicker:im a double winner. meaning im both a clean and sober alkie/addict and a codependent.
heres the REAL kicker:
i got into that relationship with a chronic relapsing addict/akie AFTER i got clean and sober. i had treated the alcoholism/addiction, but not the codependency, which took a few year after i ended that relationship even.
it was a roller coaster for me,too- id want her to get hit by a semi, then feel like crap for thinking that. it all passed as i worked on me.
heres the REAL kicker:
i got into that relationship with a chronic relapsing addict/akie AFTER i got clean and sober. i had treated the alcoholism/addiction, but not the codependency, which took a few year after i ended that relationship even.
it was a roller coaster for me,too- id want her to get hit by a semi, then feel like crap for thinking that. it all passed as i worked on me.
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