Husband in rehab - the 10 min Sunday Phone call
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Husband in rehab - the 10 min Sunday Phone call
Hi all,
My husband was an extremely high functioning closeted alcoholic. He wound up in the ER for what was a suspected stroke but turned out to be alcohol-medication interaction. Long story short he completed detox and has been in rehab two weeks. What conversation should I stick to during this time? What I really want to say is I’m working very hard to understand and cope, but there’s so much I don’t know about your addiction because it was so secretive. Is that too much? I also feel our marriage was dying a slow death from neglect. But I don’t want to bring up us since this time in rehab is about him and the work towards sobriety. Advice?
My husband was an extremely high functioning closeted alcoholic. He wound up in the ER for what was a suspected stroke but turned out to be alcohol-medication interaction. Long story short he completed detox and has been in rehab two weeks. What conversation should I stick to during this time? What I really want to say is I’m working very hard to understand and cope, but there’s so much I don’t know about your addiction because it was so secretive. Is that too much? I also feel our marriage was dying a slow death from neglect. But I don’t want to bring up us since this time in rehab is about him and the work towards sobriety. Advice?
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
He's about three weeks in...probably a raw nerve, probably wondering which end is up, if he required detox and rehab.
He may be....well, not what you expect. Early sobriety is a very difficult place and if he's planning on staying that way, he's reevaluating everything in his life.
Don't try to understand, it's very difficult for anyone who hasn't been there. Just be there when you're both ready.
He may be....well, not what you expect. Early sobriety is a very difficult place and if he's planning on staying that way, he's reevaluating everything in his life.
Don't try to understand, it's very difficult for anyone who hasn't been there. Just be there when you're both ready.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Husband in rehab
I’m sorry I’ve never been on a forum so not sure what I’m doing in my reply! Thank you for your advice. I will just try and focus on the positives. I was so angry and confused by the deception. I was so blindsided. The most important thing to me is his willingness to have an honest conversation. If he can do that I will stick by his side regardless.
QUOTE=MindfulMan;6833619]He's about three weeks in...probably a raw nerve, probably wondering which end is up, if he required detox and rehab.
He may be....well, not what you expect. Early sobriety is a very difficult place and if he's planning on staying that way, he's reevaluating everything in his life.
Don't try to understand, it's very difficult for anyone who hasn't been there. Just be there when you're both ready.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=MindfulMan;6833619]He's about three weeks in...probably a raw nerve, probably wondering which end is up, if he required detox and rehab.
He may be....well, not what you expect. Early sobriety is a very difficult place and if he's planning on staying that way, he's reevaluating everything in his life.
Don't try to understand, it's very difficult for anyone who hasn't been there. Just be there when you're both ready.[/QUOTE]
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Husband in rehab
Thank you Dee74. I can’t tell you how alone I’ve felt. But in this space I see I am not! I wish none of us had to be here...
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Idoart - I have no experience to share but I sis want to welcome you to SR 
D
D
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Idoart
Hi all,
My husband was an extremely high functioning closeted alcoholic. He wound up in the ER for what was a suspected stroke but turned out to be alcohol-medication interaction. Long story short he completed detox and has been in rehab two weeks. What conversation should I stick to during this time? What I really want to say is I’m working very hard to understand and cope, but there’s so much I don’t know about your addiction because it was so secretive. Is that too much? I also feel our marriage was dying a slow death from neglect. But I don’t want to bring up us since this time in rehab is about him and the work towards sobriety. Advice?
My husband was an extremely high functioning closeted alcoholic. He wound up in the ER for what was a suspected stroke but turned out to be alcohol-medication interaction. Long story short he completed detox and has been in rehab two weeks. What conversation should I stick to during this time? What I really want to say is I’m working very hard to understand and cope, but there’s so much I don’t know about your addiction because it was so secretive. Is that too much? I also feel our marriage was dying a slow death from neglect. But I don’t want to bring up us since this time in rehab is about him and the work towards sobriety. Advice?
I can relate big time. “Extremely high functioning closet alcoholic” would be my perfect description. We have been together for almost 17 years. The addiction didn’t start taking control of me until roughly four years ago. I started quietly using it as an anti-anxiety means after I went off meds for such a thing, but with tolerance came increased use and it slowly got out of hand. I think if I kept going it would have been more dangerous than the traditional way people picture alcoholism. I was never belligerent, I never got an OUI, it never lost my job. If I did, it would have been cause for major intervention. Having it happen quietly could cause unexplainable erosion. I consider myself liked my friends, family and co workers, and from an outsiders perspective we have a nice little life. And we do. And it may be getting better soon. But it was getting to the point where it was difficult to function at baseline without having a panic attack if I didn’t have a little something to ease my nerves and from a million perspectives that’s no way to live. 6 months ago was a major wake up call. I had too much before bed because I “needed” it to sleep. I became unresponsive and we ended up with an ambulance at the house because.. you guessed it.. she didn’t know if I was having a stroke 😦
I can’t speak directly for him but I will say this. The genesis and ongoing use for me surrounded anxiety, and anxiety makes you guarded even when you’re sober because, even with loving people around, you feel easily judged. Alcohol use puts that into overdrive because withdrawal increases anxiety so the “what will people think” is paralyzing. I was terrified that since I used it to drown anxiety in so many spots of my life and she was one of the biggest parts, that she would conclude that I “needed to drink” to be with her. Couldn’t be farther from the truth - she is great, but I’ve just dealt with this extremely high level of GENERAL anxiety since I was a young kid. Absolutely nothing to do with her, but how could I convince her? And you know what snowballs it worse than alcohol use itself? The guilt and shame of being secretive and deceptive. I had the general awareness that that aspect was just as bad. And then the guilt and shame every time your use has a negative impact on your day to day. It is a vicious, vicious cycle. If he’s anything like me, he never did it to hurt you. I hope he can break the cycle and take out a new lease on life. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
My first 10 minute phone call with my wife when she was in rehab was about how she was doing/feeling, and then about the family. The 10 minutes goes by way too quickly to get into anything substantial. Also, if it is anything like the place my wife was at, they will be present monitoring the phone call.
Where we really started working out our issues was in the family/joint therapy sessions which were 60-90 minutes.
Where we really started working out our issues was in the family/joint therapy sessions which were 60-90 minutes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Husband in Rehab
I just realized my husband could have written your response. He wrote me a letter explaining that extreme anxiety and low self-esteem have plagued him since childhood. Hi pressures and lots of infighting on the job made it hard to sleep. He started drinking before bed time. It progressed to a fifth of vodka every night. I just attended a local Al-Anon meeting and an Open AA meeting. It was eye opening to hear the different stories but also see all the common threads. I’m hoping by doing the hard work he will be able to come through this stronger. Our marriage is pretty beaten up. But that’s a conversation for another time. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I don’t think we’re terminally unique anymore.
Originally Posted by BiggerReasons
Hi Idoart,
I can relate big time. “Extremely high functioning closet alcoholic” would be my perfect description. We have been together for almost 17 years. The addiction didn’t start taking control of me until roughly four years ago. I started quietly using it as an anti-anxiety means after I went off meds for such a thing, but with tolerance came increased use and it slowly got out of hand. I think if I kept going it would have been more dangerous than the traditional way people picture alcoholism. I was never belligerent, I never got an OUI, it never lost my job. If I did, it would have been cause for major intervention. Having it happen quietly could cause unexplainable erosion. I consider myself liked my friends, family and co workers, and from an outsiders perspective we have a nice little life. And we do. And it may be getting better soon. But it was getting to the point where it was difficult to function at baseline without having a panic attack if I didn’t have a little something to ease my nerves and from a million perspectives that’s no way to live. 6 months ago was a major wake up call. I had too much before bed because I “needed” it to sleep. I became unresponsive and we ended up with an ambulance at the house because.. you guessed it.. she didn’t know if I was having a stroke 😦
I can’t speak directly for him but I will say this. The genesis and ongoing use for me surrounded anxiety, and anxiety makes you guarded even when you’re sober because, even with loving people around, you feel easily judged. Alcohol use puts that into overdrive because withdrawal increases anxiety so the “what will people think” is paralyzing. I was terrified that since I used it to drown anxiety in so many spots of my life and she was one of the biggest parts, that she would conclude that I “needed to drink” to be with her. Couldn’t be farther from the truth - she is great, but I’ve just dealt with this extremely high level of GENERAL anxiety since I was a young kid. Absolutely nothing to do with her, but how could I convince her? And you know what snowballs it worse than alcohol use itself? The guilt and shame of being secretive and deceptive. I had the general awareness that that aspect was just as bad. And then the guilt and shame every time your use has a negative impact on your day to day. It is a vicious, vicious cycle. If he’s anything like me, he never did it to hurt you. I hope he can break the cycle and take out a new lease on life. Good luck.
I can relate big time. “Extremely high functioning closet alcoholic” would be my perfect description. We have been together for almost 17 years. The addiction didn’t start taking control of me until roughly four years ago. I started quietly using it as an anti-anxiety means after I went off meds for such a thing, but with tolerance came increased use and it slowly got out of hand. I think if I kept going it would have been more dangerous than the traditional way people picture alcoholism. I was never belligerent, I never got an OUI, it never lost my job. If I did, it would have been cause for major intervention. Having it happen quietly could cause unexplainable erosion. I consider myself liked my friends, family and co workers, and from an outsiders perspective we have a nice little life. And we do. And it may be getting better soon. But it was getting to the point where it was difficult to function at baseline without having a panic attack if I didn’t have a little something to ease my nerves and from a million perspectives that’s no way to live. 6 months ago was a major wake up call. I had too much before bed because I “needed” it to sleep. I became unresponsive and we ended up with an ambulance at the house because.. you guessed it.. she didn’t know if I was having a stroke 😦
I can’t speak directly for him but I will say this. The genesis and ongoing use for me surrounded anxiety, and anxiety makes you guarded even when you’re sober because, even with loving people around, you feel easily judged. Alcohol use puts that into overdrive because withdrawal increases anxiety so the “what will people think” is paralyzing. I was terrified that since I used it to drown anxiety in so many spots of my life and she was one of the biggest parts, that she would conclude that I “needed to drink” to be with her. Couldn’t be farther from the truth - she is great, but I’ve just dealt with this extremely high level of GENERAL anxiety since I was a young kid. Absolutely nothing to do with her, but how could I convince her? And you know what snowballs it worse than alcohol use itself? The guilt and shame of being secretive and deceptive. I had the general awareness that that aspect was just as bad. And then the guilt and shame every time your use has a negative impact on your day to day. It is a vicious, vicious cycle. If he’s anything like me, he never did it to hurt you. I hope he can break the cycle and take out a new lease on life. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 5
Husband in Rehab
So true. I’m learning that 10 minutes is nothing. We spent our time doing the same thing. It was frustrating because he’s so far away and this is our only time to connect. I am seeing we’re on two roads— I’m wanting to work on our marriage while his path is about recovery —which is clearly the priority right now.
Originally Posted by Spence7471
My first 10 minute phone call with my wife when she was in rehab was about how she was doing/feeling, and then about the family. The 10 minutes goes by way too quickly to get into anything substantial. Also, if it is anything like the place my wife was at, they will be present monitoring the phone call.
Where we really started working out our issues was in the family/joint therapy sessions which were 60-90 minutes.
Where we really started working out our issues was in the family/joint therapy sessions which were 60-90 minutes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
Welcome Idoart, I’m glad you found this forum. I hope you’ll find good support and empathy here. Im sorry you and your husband are having a hard time-but it’s good he’s in rehab and his silent addiction is out in the open. On some level he may even be relieved.
Reasons, I was really interested to read your story and appreciated your honesty.
I have nothing to add except to say, Idoart that you may want to also check out the ‘Family and Friends’ forum here on SR, for more perspectives and experiences from others supporting loved ones. I’ve read quite a few people on there dealing with the difficulties whereby as a ‘loved one’ you are dealing with hurt and turmoil, but the addict is focusing very much on themselves in rehab- as they are meant to be, but it can be difficult and painful. Best of luck to you and yours. And I hope you’ll keep posting here and stay in touch.
Reasons, I was really interested to read your story and appreciated your honesty.
I have nothing to add except to say, Idoart that you may want to also check out the ‘Family and Friends’ forum here on SR, for more perspectives and experiences from others supporting loved ones. I’ve read quite a few people on there dealing with the difficulties whereby as a ‘loved one’ you are dealing with hurt and turmoil, but the addict is focusing very much on themselves in rehab- as they are meant to be, but it can be difficult and painful. Best of luck to you and yours. And I hope you’ll keep posting here and stay in touch.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by Idoart
I’m wanting to work on our marriage while his path is about recovery —which is clearly the priority right now.
I would seriously look into alanon for yourself and also check out the friends and family of alcoholics section on this forum.
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