Dry drunk behavior?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Dry drunk behavior?
I thought I was doing well but realise I myself have relapses.
RAH has been busy with his job and meetings, travels, etc. I feel as if I am last in the long line of things he is doing so I have withdrawn but it hurts, detaching is not so easy.
Last weekend we went to a function together and had fun but this week I hardly saw him. I go to bed around 10-11pm and he comes to bed later. Our sex life is non-existent and he blames me, maybe it is partly my fault as being intimate with someone I do not trust is not easy.
I called him yesterday after work and he said he had to rush to his office to review a presentation for the next day and would have to bring work home. I worked late and then went alone for a movie. I didn’t tell him I was going, doubted he would care anyway. I got a call late so I text back I would be home soon.
Apparently, he didn’t get the text and was annoyed when I got home. I was angry because he has spent a life time doing his own thing, me not knowing what is going on and once I stay out late he is pissed off.
I called him out on it and told him he was being manipulative. He was angry I had not invited him but hours before he told me he was busy all evening.
Then he said he had come home at 6pm when that would have been physically impossible as I had spoken to him at 5pm, he would have to go to the office for an hour then go home another hour so earliest would be 7pm.
I am tired of having to deal with his lack of care or consideration for me (I am always last on the list) yet he expects me to be available as and when he needs me.
When I called him out he swore at me and told me ‘to go f myself.’ How is that for respectful language, so I told him today I do not want to be around someone who treats me with such disrespect and disdain? He has apologized but right now that is not good enough. He hasn’t gone to AA in a week or so, due to work. I guess this is what they mean by being a dry drunk. He might not be drinking but he is still being nasty. I wish I did not let this affect me so much and could simply brush it off, but it hurts. I want to go to a hotel for a couple of days just to put space between us.
Thanks for listening.
RAH has been busy with his job and meetings, travels, etc. I feel as if I am last in the long line of things he is doing so I have withdrawn but it hurts, detaching is not so easy.
Last weekend we went to a function together and had fun but this week I hardly saw him. I go to bed around 10-11pm and he comes to bed later. Our sex life is non-existent and he blames me, maybe it is partly my fault as being intimate with someone I do not trust is not easy.
I called him yesterday after work and he said he had to rush to his office to review a presentation for the next day and would have to bring work home. I worked late and then went alone for a movie. I didn’t tell him I was going, doubted he would care anyway. I got a call late so I text back I would be home soon.
Apparently, he didn’t get the text and was annoyed when I got home. I was angry because he has spent a life time doing his own thing, me not knowing what is going on and once I stay out late he is pissed off.
I called him out on it and told him he was being manipulative. He was angry I had not invited him but hours before he told me he was busy all evening.
Then he said he had come home at 6pm when that would have been physically impossible as I had spoken to him at 5pm, he would have to go to the office for an hour then go home another hour so earliest would be 7pm.
I am tired of having to deal with his lack of care or consideration for me (I am always last on the list) yet he expects me to be available as and when he needs me.
When I called him out he swore at me and told me ‘to go f myself.’ How is that for respectful language, so I told him today I do not want to be around someone who treats me with such disrespect and disdain? He has apologized but right now that is not good enough. He hasn’t gone to AA in a week or so, due to work. I guess this is what they mean by being a dry drunk. He might not be drinking but he is still being nasty. I wish I did not let this affect me so much and could simply brush it off, but it hurts. I want to go to a hotel for a couple of days just to put space between us.
Thanks for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
GivenUp.....I can understand how you feel. At one time, I was in a marriage where there wasn't any room for me...and, he wasn't even an alcoholic...lol...
I know what it is like to want to be seen and heard...and to feel like I matter....
I think you have every right to question if the marriage is meeting your needs or not.....Of course, you have that right at any point...but, especially now! You still have some rich years of your life, coming up...and the children are out of the house....and he is supposedly sober for two years....?
For all of us...our happiness is our own responsibility......
It doesn't sound, from what you share that your happiness is a priority to him....
Perhaps, time for you to really...really...look inward?
By the way...if you have the money and no kids to look after, at home...and, you want to take a few days of "announced vacation" in a hotel...for yourself...why not?! (not to "punish him"...but, for some time and space for your own self)...
lol....binge watch some tv...feed pigeons in the park....visit a museum...take in a musical performance...buy a new dress or pair of shoes....get your hair restyled....or any damn thing you should fancy....
I know what it is like to want to be seen and heard...and to feel like I matter....
I think you have every right to question if the marriage is meeting your needs or not.....Of course, you have that right at any point...but, especially now! You still have some rich years of your life, coming up...and the children are out of the house....and he is supposedly sober for two years....?
For all of us...our happiness is our own responsibility......
It doesn't sound, from what you share that your happiness is a priority to him....
Perhaps, time for you to really...really...look inward?
By the way...if you have the money and no kids to look after, at home...and, you want to take a few days of "announced vacation" in a hotel...for yourself...why not?! (not to "punish him"...but, for some time and space for your own self)...
lol....binge watch some tv...feed pigeons in the park....visit a museum...take in a musical performance...buy a new dress or pair of shoes....get your hair restyled....or any damn thing you should fancy....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think some space sounds like a good idea for you. You deserve better.
Thing is, just because someone becomes sober does not make them a nice person. It's not always dry drunk behavior either. Sometimes people are just jerks.
You deserve so much more. Huge hugs.
Thing is, just because someone becomes sober does not make them a nice person. It's not always dry drunk behavior either. Sometimes people are just jerks.
You deserve so much more. Huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by totfit 
There is no such thing as "dry drunk". When someone sobers up, they are still who they are. Merely human behavior. Merely being an a@@hole.
And, get this: people do change from "bad" to "good" over time, but it also works the opposite way: "good" people CAN become jerks too for whatever reasons.
MCESaint
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Sounds like he is showing you who he is drunk or sober. It's unfortunate that not all alcoholics become nice people once they are in recovery cos some were horrible to start with. Not drinking does not make them any nicer. Personally I'd skip the hotel/other diversions from your misery and consider a divorce. He's not going to change and you are clearly very unhappy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Read on this forum: “Just cuz they sober up doesn’t automatically make them good relationship material.”
My sib is alcohol addicted.
And he’s a jerk.
But he was a jerk before the alcohol took him over.
That’s who he is.
I think your spouse is showing you who he is.
We all deserve to be with someone who cherishes us.
Peace.
My sib is alcohol addicted.
And he’s a jerk.
But he was a jerk before the alcohol took him over.
That’s who he is.
I think your spouse is showing you who he is.
We all deserve to be with someone who cherishes us.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
When we start showing our needs to people they will start showing who they are. It hurts to realize there is such a disconnect. Could be he is so focused on silencing the AV voice by staying active or someone who doesn't care about your needs. Time will tell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Thanks for all your insightful replies. I have been married to this man for 25 years, we have had many ups and downs, his drinking was there for most of it except in the very early years and when we lived overseas for some years. He wasn't drinking then either. Yes, he has issues (been to therapy, counsellors, etc). We even tried marriage counselling for a short stint but the fact is he is obtuse (really). We talked about his disrespect yesterday and he acknowledged it and said he has this problem with staff also, though I pointed out he was unlikely to speak like that to his mother he refused to accept that.
He is an adult survivor of CBA, which is linked to the drinking I presume, so the way he thinks and sees things is often very different from me and others. I find it hard to have compassion for him though, which is my problem too. He is very broken, as am I. I have spent years being resentful and acted upon it and in no way am I the victim or a saint. I can sense myself getting on the crazy train and I just want to regain my peace and balance.
I see glimpses of the old guy I met and fell in love with. This morning he came to my side of the bed to give me a kiss before leaving for work, it's those tender instances that keep me hanging on. Am I a fool?
Walking away from the marriage is not going to achieve the peace I need.
He is an adult survivor of CBA, which is linked to the drinking I presume, so the way he thinks and sees things is often very different from me and others. I find it hard to have compassion for him though, which is my problem too. He is very broken, as am I. I have spent years being resentful and acted upon it and in no way am I the victim or a saint. I can sense myself getting on the crazy train and I just want to regain my peace and balance.
I see glimpses of the old guy I met and fell in love with. This morning he came to my side of the bed to give me a kiss before leaving for work, it's those tender instances that keep me hanging on. Am I a fool?
Walking away from the marriage is not going to achieve the peace I need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by hearthealth
When we start showing our needs to people they will start showing who they are. It hurts to realize there is such a disconnect. Could be he is so focused on silencing the AV voice by staying active or someone who doesn't care about your needs. Time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Those little kisses. Those are just enough to keep me hanging on to. Expecting so little, accepting that my needs won't be fulfilled or even matched with fulfilling his needs. Knowing this may be the best that this relationship has to offer. Setting the bar lower than what is out there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Some food for thought, one of my all-time favorite SR posts:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Some food for thought, one of my all-time favorite SR posts:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
It's so true this story, I like that it's a chicken cause they are always frantic, clucking around digging for the crumbs. And yes, sometimes I feel as if I get only his crumbs. Wow! major food for thought. I even told him that last year, that i didn't want his crumbs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I do believe in "dry drunk". My dad was one for a very long time, and I've seen it in my AH the few times he had brief stints with drinking tea instead of beer or booze. I don't think it is always necessarily permanent, so I would differentiate that from once and ass always an ass.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Oh I definitely believe “dry drunk” is a thing. I’ve been one. Someone who is technically not drinking, and may even be taking a stab at recovery (like going to meetings or talking with a therapist), but not fully embracing recovery and therefore not getting the results.
When someone is in recovery, it’s no bed of roses, but they change. There’s progressively less ********, less chaos, and progressively more accountability.
When someone is in recovery, it’s no bed of roses, but they change. There’s progressively less ********, less chaos, and progressively more accountability.
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