Lynn830

I have 34 years sobriety (and am 74 years old). In that time, I have had 4 sponsors. The first two moved to Florida about a year after becoming my sponsor. My third sponsor I had for 27 years and he was wonderful. Then he came down with Alzheimer's and died after about 3 years of it.
My current sponsor who I have had for about two years has become erratic in his thinking and has said inappropriate things in meetings (sexual statements). I am meeting with him Friday and will talk to him about what he is doing. He needs to stop. I plan to fire him as a sponsor, something I have not done before. I find the prospect most uncomfortable.
The problem is that the longer I am in AA the harder it is to find a sponsor who has his marbles together, is at meetings, and who can be an effective sponsor. I have gone through the steps innumerable times, so that is not our major task. I more need someone to work through problems of living.
Anyone else have this problem? Any thoughts?

awuh1

Have you considered going to a therapist? "Problems of living" are more or less their specialty. Perhaps you can find one who is also in recovery?

Another possibility might be to look for a spiritual adviser or mentor?

All the best to you.

cooldoggie

Lynn 830 have you considered asking someone with less time? I got sober at 17 and now have over 30 years and have found it difficult to find a sponsor with more time that I relate to. If they have what you want the number of years may not matter.

Lynn830

I have done long-term therapy. I want a sponsor just for the AA part of my life — not that conversation couldn't go anywhere. Another resource person, so to speak.
And I would indeed consider someone with fewer years than me. I consider the man, not the years. And I would also consider a clergy person, just as Bill Wilson used Father Dowling for many years after Ebby "lost" his sobriety.
My thanks for all the good points. Grateful!

Tommyh

Lynn,I am almost 30 years sober and I am on sponsor number 4
first one got drunk,second 2 died.Present one is ok.He has stopped going to meetings which I am not too crazy about.
I remember a man and his wife who used to be so kind to me when I was new.Some years later she died.He gradually went to doing things similier to what your sponsor is.What no one knew was he was coming down with dementia.
He got worst,and some newcomers made jokes about him.they didn`t know the good guy he used to be.He eventually died.

my present day sponsor is sober 18 yrs,and older than me.I asked him to sponsor me 9 yrs ago because he really lived AA the best he could in my opinion.I have tossed around the idea of getting another if he stays away from meetings.I like a sponsor who is in AA every week,and active.

my second sponsor used to talk to several other old timers because his sponsor died.Thats a option also,get you a couple of oldtimer buddies and yall help each other

aasharon90

Living life on life's terms is always a
challenge and using the tools and
knowledge set down for us to incorporate
in all areas of our lives helps us move
on to the next day more effectively.

With continuous recovery since 8-11-90
using the AA program of recovery as my
guideline, meetings, and now with SR for
sometime, i can continue to pass on my
own ESH - experiences, strength and hopes
to others struggling with addiction who
may not be able to attend meetings in
person.

SR has support, compassion, understanding,
from many you may never meet in person,
but we can still learn some valuable lessons
in life just as we can if we were face to face
with another person.

Just knowing that none of us are ever
alone on our recovery journey in life
is absolutely comforting.

I'm glad you found us here in SR and
look forward to reading your own ESH
and learning some new lessons in living
life on life's terms.

tomsteve

ive had the same sponsor for the last 6 years. he doesnt want me going to him for everything. he admits he doesnt know all. encourages me to speak with other members in recovery about different issues and, the most crucial part,not make him my HP.

Gottalife

38 years sober, had one sponsor who told me after about two years that I no longer needed a sponsor, that it was more important for me to be sponsoring. He equipped me for this change by helping me have a life changing spiritual experience through the steps, and he taught me about living life on spiritual terms. In other words, as I was beyond human aid, he made damn sure I wasn't sponsor dependent.

I have one AA friend just turned 20 years, who has an amazing spiritual life. Though I hardly see him, we both travel a lot, he would be my sponsor if I was forced to name one. There is another long timer who I haven't known for long, but we worked through my steps four and five.

I have used therapists once for grief, and once to try and dig out non existent surpressed memory. Life problems I take first to God, then to a friend in or out of AA, it doesn't matter. There is always someone I can talk to if I need to. But their job is NOT to tell me what to do, it is to help me find what God's will is for me.

Maybe have a read of the pamphlet Emotional Sobriety. Bill's conclusion that stability came out of giving (sponsoring) and not receiving (being sponsored) has some merit in my experience.

Lynn830

Wow! Thank your for all the thoughts. I still do use a therapist for short-term work on intense problems.
I like the idea of a spiritual director. That could open up some new doors. Exciting! I will first check in with some clergy folks. Some actually have training in being a spiritual director. It will be interesting.

Berrybean

It's a problem that my own sponsor has had. She is 40 years sober this year. Her friend had the same issue with 'only' (haha) a couple of decades of sobriety . In the end they've decided to sponsor each other until a better option occurs to them.

BB

golfreggie

My sponsor had 7 years when I surrendered. I now have 27 years and he has 34 years. We are the best of friends, and we consider to be each others sponsor, but not limited to the traditional sponsor you may think of when new to recovery. We are both 68 years old and will be 69 this summer. We met at age 40, we both turned 41 before I finally surrendered on 10/8/1990. At my stage now we "check in" as we are 750 miles apart now, but each are practicing these principles we learned and are very involved in our relationship to our Lord through respective churches. He is a great KU basketball fan so we are following March Madness very closely. Just my experience, best wishes to all!

SoberCAH

I don't use my sponsor as much as I should, probably, but we remain friends.

He got sober in 1981 and I did in 1988.

I sponsor people, do a fair amount of 12 Step work, go to meetings and frequently talk with people in recovery several times a day.

I also post on SR, which is a good outlet for me to share my ESH and get wisdom and 12 step opportunities in return.

Good luck with your efforts to find a substitute sponsor.

It doesn't have to be someone with longer sobriety than you if you find someone who works the 12 Steps rigidly.

Db1105

I was taught by my Sponsor years ago that his role was to guide me through the 12 Steps which would lead me to depend on a Higher Power. Once through the Steps he told me that his job was done and that my job was to stay sober by helping the still suffering alcoholic.

That ment helping others by sharing my experience, strength and hope on working the 12 Steps. That there were times that I should just lend an ear and listen, but I was not to be a financial adviser, relationship councelor, life coach, etc., etc.

So, I’ve never been a fan of lifetime sponsorship relationship since I depend on my Higher Power.

Db1105

https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

AAWS guide for sponsorship.

Dee74

A belated welcome to SR Lynn

D

Redmayne

Based both on your age and the longevity of your sobriety, both of which are highly commendable. I wonder, in turn how many people you,yourself have sponsored?

After all recovery is a street of two-way traffic and,perhaps in your modesty,you make no mention of this in your post.

Whilst I can't claim to have direct sponsored many and make no claim to spiritual perfection, I have tried to make spiritual progress done in part by sharing my experience, strength and hope, nice to see you, thanks for showing up...

NYCDoglvr

I think the most important thing is to connect to another person you relate to. I wouldn't quibble about years, it can be anyone who helps you grow.

SoberCAH

At the end of the day, so to speak, teaching me how to work the Steps is what my sponsor did for me.

We still speak, and i express my eternal gratitude each time we do.

I talk with people in recovery every day, some times all day long, and try to pass along what has been freely given to me.

My sponsor has been my only sponsor, with the exception of an excellent temporary sponsor i had when i graduated from the treatment center.

He got sober in 1981 and i have been with him on that journey since 1988.

He had a greater positive influence on my life than my parents did.

Fusion

Hi Gals and Guys, humour me if you will, because I used to be an AAer and am curious. The OP is 74 years old, been sober for 34 years, had their current sponsor make innapropriate “sexual statements” and is seeking guidance on firing the current sponsor, and seeking a new sponsor.

I’m in the UK and here, sponsors are sought to provide guidance and knowledge whilst working the steps and maybe hand-holding for a while longer. I just don’t understand how someone would require a sponsor after 34 years of sobriety. So please, maybe the term “sponsor” after that initial step learning period, should actually be called a “friend” or a “buddy”. I say this because, if a step sponsor is still required, then perhaps the sponsor hasn’t correctly taught the steps?

Please help me here, I realise it’s just terminology, but I don’t understand, and maybe one day I’ll meet someone for whom the steps will work, but I don’t know how I can recommend the steps, if a sponsor is ‘for life’ and the person can’t stand on their own feet afterwards.

I thought a sponsor was a guide and teacher, so surely if they performed their role correctly, they could step aside at some point, and allow their sponsee, to go on to sponsor others. At the same time, continuing in a friend and guide role, perhaps. Semantics, I know, but I feel it’s an important point in terms of self-reliance, or otherwise, maybe, risking dependency?

Gottalife

Tatsy, I get your point and wonder the same thing. You would have a good friend in Clarence Snyder, the guy who founded the Cleveland group. He explained that an individual works steps one to nine once and never goes back there. Then they move to steps ten-twelve which involves sponsoring others. The only time they go back to those early steps is when teaching someone new. The process was sponsor, steps, sponsoring. Cleveland group was so successful that many people thought that was where AA started.

Ebby was Bill's sponsor, so Bill said. He was the guy that showed him the original program and took him through it. But Ebby didn't stay in AA, and Bill never had another sponsor. Instead he went a sponsoring. Luckily for us.

Archive show that Doctor Bob sponsored about 5000 newcomers. That works out as one for every day of his sobriety. Same deal. There is no way he could have maintained the life coach nonsense with that number of people. Yet his efforts helped AA grow phenomenally, luckily for me.

I hear some people introduce themselves as having a sponsor who has a sponsor. I don't get it. In my observation these dynastical structures can become quite harmful and introduce a whole lot of opinion, diluting the original message in the book. Why work with God and the book when you have answerman for your sponsor. We had the lady super sponsor, had seventy women under her wing, all running on stupid cliches, all afraid to change their socks without talking to this old gal first. She meant well, never said or did anything that wasn't out of love and concern, but when she died, about half her flock fell off the wagon.

I think there is far too much emphasis on being sponsored, which can be relying on human aid, something that doesn't work for us. Even the research shows we need to be sponsoring, that being sponsored iisn't near as likely to keep us sober.

Nothing wrong with wise counsel, spiritual mentors etc, in fact the book encourages us to grow spiritually and use resources outside of AA. But life time sponsorship? Sometimes looks like co-dependency, not at all attractive.