Sober as of a couple of days ago. Discussion about my emotional issues...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Sober as of a couple of days ago. Discussion about my emotional issues...
Well as I posted a few weeks back I was going to stop drinking and I have. I tapered off over a period of about a week. Even though I was only drinking a bottle of red wine a day I was feeling some pretty severe withdraw symptoms even when just drinking the bottle and not tapering. Possibly due to kindling, or maybe interactions with other meds I'm taking I don't know. I posted last time here some may remember:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ast-night.html (Definitely going to quit again after last night...)
At any rate sober a few days now. I definitely have been sleeping a bit better. I made an appointment about a week back to see a new therapist and that seems promising as I click with this person. Was able to open up more than I have in a while. I have a number of other sessions with them booked.
As I've posted on here I've struggled for a long time with depression and anxiety which is the source of the reason I drink. I've long felt disconnected from humanity and myself. Like I kind of just float through life.
Having done a lot of my own research over the years and talked with other therapists I suspect that it stems from emotional neglect as a child. The thing that makes this so hard for me to accept is that my parents were seemingly amazing parents really, and continue to be so. More generous parents that worry about their kid you can not find on the face of this planet. They have given me everything and more.
But I suppose that is also a problem as they helicopter parented me and worried about me 24/7 all through my childhood. And now financially enable me as an adult. I had a very very very lonely childhood. I was bullied and ostracized and didn't have any good friends. I kept to myself and turned inward and lived in my own head. My parents ended up being my only social contact of note and I stuck to them like glue. The thing is that I suppose they didn't offer some things I actually needed which I'm only now coming to realize. For one there were no boundaries and I had no independence. I felt loved in a suffocating way. But I didn't feel comforted. What I needed was to be held, hugged, told I was OK and to get back out there and try again. Instead they offered me solutions and argued with me when I struggled. I have clung to them all these year up till now and I find as an adult that there are large parts of me that are horrible emotionally stunted in a way because of this.
On the surface no one would know there was anything unusual as my parents were never abusive, indeed the opposite in many ways and tried their very best and continue to.
But I realize that a lot of my loneliness and disconnectedness comes from never feeling like "I" was ok. There was always something wrong with me I felt, and that feeling never went away so I kind of just buried it. Same with dealing with other people, I never developed an understanding that I was not broken in some way as I was treated as such by most. My parents I think fuelled this feeling that I was deeply broken by worrying over me all the time and telling me that things weren't right (and they weren't).
I know these are not solutions but I really do feel this is why I have drank. To paper over all that ****. Instead of connecting with myself and others, instead of forming relationships and taking risks that I might get hurt I just walled myself off and lived in my own head. So this is something to work on in therapy.
But how TF am I going to at 35? Sorry I'm just struggling emotionally right now.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ast-night.html (Definitely going to quit again after last night...)
At any rate sober a few days now. I definitely have been sleeping a bit better. I made an appointment about a week back to see a new therapist and that seems promising as I click with this person. Was able to open up more than I have in a while. I have a number of other sessions with them booked.
As I've posted on here I've struggled for a long time with depression and anxiety which is the source of the reason I drink. I've long felt disconnected from humanity and myself. Like I kind of just float through life.
Having done a lot of my own research over the years and talked with other therapists I suspect that it stems from emotional neglect as a child. The thing that makes this so hard for me to accept is that my parents were seemingly amazing parents really, and continue to be so. More generous parents that worry about their kid you can not find on the face of this planet. They have given me everything and more.
But I suppose that is also a problem as they helicopter parented me and worried about me 24/7 all through my childhood. And now financially enable me as an adult. I had a very very very lonely childhood. I was bullied and ostracized and didn't have any good friends. I kept to myself and turned inward and lived in my own head. My parents ended up being my only social contact of note and I stuck to them like glue. The thing is that I suppose they didn't offer some things I actually needed which I'm only now coming to realize. For one there were no boundaries and I had no independence. I felt loved in a suffocating way. But I didn't feel comforted. What I needed was to be held, hugged, told I was OK and to get back out there and try again. Instead they offered me solutions and argued with me when I struggled. I have clung to them all these year up till now and I find as an adult that there are large parts of me that are horrible emotionally stunted in a way because of this.
On the surface no one would know there was anything unusual as my parents were never abusive, indeed the opposite in many ways and tried their very best and continue to.
But I realize that a lot of my loneliness and disconnectedness comes from never feeling like "I" was ok. There was always something wrong with me I felt, and that feeling never went away so I kind of just buried it. Same with dealing with other people, I never developed an understanding that I was not broken in some way as I was treated as such by most. My parents I think fuelled this feeling that I was deeply broken by worrying over me all the time and telling me that things weren't right (and they weren't).
I know these are not solutions but I really do feel this is why I have drank. To paper over all that ****. Instead of connecting with myself and others, instead of forming relationships and taking risks that I might get hurt I just walled myself off and lived in my own head. So this is something to work on in therapy.
But how TF am I going to at 35? Sorry I'm just struggling emotionally right now.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by SimplyFree 
I’m sorry you are struggling. But finding a good counselor might be a wonderful help.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Definately find a decent counsellor. I went into counselling for my relationship with a narcissitic mother who had labelled the child she didnt love. I went into counselling at 49. Im 52 now. Best thing i ever did and wished id gone earlier.
All the best
All the best
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 138
Firstly, you say that even though you ONLY drink a bottle of red wine a day you get withdrawals. It seems like you do not recognize that, that is a lot to drink the word ONLY signifies to me that you are trying to justify your drinking.I too experience anxiety and depression and what I found that you must push yourself out of your comfort zone. in order to get to grips with this illness, even though I have social anxiety I pushed through it and gave a speech in front of a room of 150 people about the right to life of the unborn child, was it easy no I was shaking like a leaf but I done it and you know what people complimented me after for this speech.So what I would suggest that you could try cognitive behavioral therapy for the anxiety and even AA meetings you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to deal with this illness.Good luck My friend we are all here for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Congratulations on your decision to pursue a happy sober life. 
You wrote 4 paragraphs on what happened in the past, and why that influences your present.
You have the choice to stop doing that. You might need to learn how to stop doing that, but you can choose it.
Or, you can continue going to war with your past as often as you'd like. You will, however, lose 100% of the time. That's just reality.
Let it go.
You've carried that bag long enough.
Put it down.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
You wrote 4 paragraphs on what happened in the past, and why that influences your present.
You have the choice to stop doing that. You might need to learn how to stop doing that, but you can choose it.
Or, you can continue going to war with your past as often as you'd like. You will, however, lose 100% of the time. That's just reality.
Let it go.
You've carried that bag long enough.
Put it down.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
Congratulations on your decision to pursue a happy sober life.
You wrote 4 paragraphs on what happened in the past, and why that influences your present.
You have the choice to stop doing that. You might need to learn how to stop doing that, but you can choose it.
Or, you can continue going to war with your past as often as you'd like. You will, however, lose 100% of the time. That's just reality.
Let it go.
You've carried that bag long enough.
Put it down.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
You wrote 4 paragraphs on what happened in the past, and why that influences your present.
You have the choice to stop doing that. You might need to learn how to stop doing that, but you can choose it.
Or, you can continue going to war with your past as often as you'd like. You will, however, lose 100% of the time. That's just reality.
Let it go.
You've carried that bag long enough.
Put it down.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by jhonnyspa
Firstly, you say that even though you ONLY drink a bottle of red wine a day you get withdrawals. It seems like you do not recognize that, that is a lot to drink the word ONLY signifies to me that you are trying to justify your drinking.I too experience anxiety and depression and what I found that you must push yourself out of your comfort zone. in order to get to grips with this illness, even though I have social anxiety I pushed through it and gave a speech in front of a room of 150 people about the right to life of the unborn child, was it easy no I was shaking like a leaf but I done it and you know what people complimented me after for this speech.So what I would suggest that you could try cognitive behavioral therapy for the anxiety and even AA meetings you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone in order to deal with this illness.Good luck My friend we are all here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by soberista
Definately find a decent counsellor. I went into counselling for my relationship with a narcissitic mother who had labelled the child she didnt love. I went into counselling at 49. Im 52 now. Best thing i ever did and wished id gone earlier.
All the best
All the best
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Smilax, for what it's worth, I also feel disconnected from humanity, and myself. I try not to overthink it, but when I try not to overthink it, I feel even more disconnected, so I can relate to this, and the feelings of living inside my own head. Not the worst place to be, but certainly not the healthiest, is it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by daredevil
Smilax, for what it's worth, I also feel disconnected from humanity, and myself. I try not to overthink it, but when I try not to overthink it, I feel even more disconnected, so I can relate to this, and the feelings of living inside my own head. Not the worst place to be, but certainly not the healthiest, is it?
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Smilax, in treatment that I went to, as much as it was very woman and trauma focused, I will never forget the workshop we did on letting go of the hurts we carry through our lives.
We talked about our hurts and traumas and then we looked at them as rocks we carried on our backs, in a sack. And how much carrying all those heavy burdens held us back, weighed us down, and kept hurting us with each step.
And that if we chose to, we could take out those rocks, big or small, when we were ready to, and start to lighten our load.
Some of them are bigger than others, some of them we need help with, and some of them we wonder why we held onto them for so long.
It is a choice the load we are willing to bear. It's not easy to let go when you are used to it, and when you feel you need to own it by carrying it forever with you.
There is help out there. Have you ever thought about all that weight you are carrying on your shoulders, and how much you don't need to or deserve to carry it?
Love yourself and learn to let go. When we stop drinking we can learn how to shed those weights off our backs. It takes work, some reflection, and help.
You can do it.
We talked about our hurts and traumas and then we looked at them as rocks we carried on our backs, in a sack. And how much carrying all those heavy burdens held us back, weighed us down, and kept hurting us with each step.
And that if we chose to, we could take out those rocks, big or small, when we were ready to, and start to lighten our load.
Some of them are bigger than others, some of them we need help with, and some of them we wonder why we held onto them for so long.
It is a choice the load we are willing to bear. It's not easy to let go when you are used to it, and when you feel you need to own it by carrying it forever with you.
There is help out there. Have you ever thought about all that weight you are carrying on your shoulders, and how much you don't need to or deserve to carry it?
Love yourself and learn to let go. When we stop drinking we can learn how to shed those weights off our backs. It takes work, some reflection, and help.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I relate to all you've written. What amazed me when I went to AA was that , for the first time in my life, I found myself in a room of people who all suffered from that same sense of not-enoughness. Some who'd had idyllic childhoods, others who'd had dysfunctional ones to some degree or another. I looked at the list of the 12-steps and was a but confused as to why only the first one mentioned alcohol. Well, the truth is that because we've felt as we did, we can have picked up some ways of surviving emotionally that seemed to work early on and for a short time, but were not really great ways of dealing with stuff in the long term and in adult life. That AA program really has helped me get over many of my sources of pain and inner-conflict. Since working the program there were a few family-of-origin issues I still needed to explore, while I have been able to do with a counsellor (I coundnt speak about them before - physically couldn't. I'd just clam up).
Recovery isn't just about staying off the sauce. It's about learning new and better ways to deal with life (past, present and future). I'd strongly suggest looking at getting a program of recovery on the go so you can start feeling some relief from all this.
BB
Recovery isn't just about staying off the sauce. It's about learning new and better ways to deal with life (past, present and future). I'd strongly suggest looking at getting a program of recovery on the go so you can start feeling some relief from all this.
BB
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi smilax - some great support and ideas here already 
I had a laundry list of things I drank over...I drank so long I actually out grew some of those issues...but some remains and others came along as well.
Over time I also developed alcoholism.
I think we really need to tackle both to be sober and happy.
How do we do that - the same way anyone climbs a mountain....a little bit at a time.
Age need not be a barrier to anyone who really wants change
D
I had a laundry list of things I drank over...I drank so long I actually out grew some of those issues...but some remains and others came along as well.
Over time I also developed alcoholism.
I think we really need to tackle both to be sober and happy.
How do we do that - the same way anyone climbs a mountain....a little bit at a time.
Age need not be a barrier to anyone who really wants change
D
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