Day 24
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Day 24
24 days today. Yay!
I've been quite unproductive over the last 3-4 days. Burnt I think. Also my first court date is this Thursday, so the reality is setting in that I'm going to get my butt handed to me for the OWI.
I catch myself trying to figure out how much of my urgency to quit drinking is being driven by the OWI charges vs. the need to quit drinking in and of itself.
I know - duh - it's all the same. The fact that I even go down those roads is a red flag to me that my AV is up to no good.
On top of that, the last two days I've been rather irritable. Which makes sense - my drinking pattern in the past was usually once or twice a week, often once or twice every two or three. It's part of the reason I probably spent so much time in denial.
Reading the Big Book I now understand that how much and how often I consume has little or nothing to do with being an alcoholic - of which I check all the boxes and at least am no longer in denial that I am powerless over alcohol.
Also recognizing from the Big Book that the irritability I'm experiencing is right on time in terms of the cycle of drink - not drink. It's just over 3 weeks since I last imbibed, which is probably among the longest stretches of time I've gone without in years. It's reminding me that I need to do the work in the 12 steps. I've been procrastinating it out of stubborness and likely some vestiges of my ego clinging on to the past.
Still need to square away the house issue so that I can give myself a chance to keep working through the inevitable jail time. I've been procrastinating that too.
I need to get back to what I know works - the 2-3 things on a must do list. Also need to use it as sort of a 'make a couple promises to myself and keep them each day' to rebuild some trust with myself. As of now I still don't feel I've much credibility with myself.
All that said I'm fairly secure that I have enough motivation and will power to not drink anytime soon. And when I'm able to not compare my situation to what I think people think or to what I imagine to myself I should be (what a crock) then I'm actually still at peace and happy that the madness is finally over.
I'm definitely still in the bottom of the pendulum so to speak. But I can see hope and light in the future. I'm clinging on to it as much as I can.
-B
I've been quite unproductive over the last 3-4 days. Burnt I think. Also my first court date is this Thursday, so the reality is setting in that I'm going to get my butt handed to me for the OWI.
I catch myself trying to figure out how much of my urgency to quit drinking is being driven by the OWI charges vs. the need to quit drinking in and of itself.
I know - duh - it's all the same. The fact that I even go down those roads is a red flag to me that my AV is up to no good.
On top of that, the last two days I've been rather irritable. Which makes sense - my drinking pattern in the past was usually once or twice a week, often once or twice every two or three. It's part of the reason I probably spent so much time in denial.
Reading the Big Book I now understand that how much and how often I consume has little or nothing to do with being an alcoholic - of which I check all the boxes and at least am no longer in denial that I am powerless over alcohol.
Also recognizing from the Big Book that the irritability I'm experiencing is right on time in terms of the cycle of drink - not drink. It's just over 3 weeks since I last imbibed, which is probably among the longest stretches of time I've gone without in years. It's reminding me that I need to do the work in the 12 steps. I've been procrastinating it out of stubborness and likely some vestiges of my ego clinging on to the past.
Still need to square away the house issue so that I can give myself a chance to keep working through the inevitable jail time. I've been procrastinating that too.
I need to get back to what I know works - the 2-3 things on a must do list. Also need to use it as sort of a 'make a couple promises to myself and keep them each day' to rebuild some trust with myself. As of now I still don't feel I've much credibility with myself.
All that said I'm fairly secure that I have enough motivation and will power to not drink anytime soon. And when I'm able to not compare my situation to what I think people think or to what I imagine to myself I should be (what a crock) then I'm actually still at peace and happy that the madness is finally over.
I'm definitely still in the bottom of the pendulum so to speak. But I can see hope and light in the future. I'm clinging on to it as much as I can.
-B
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