Dating is terrifying - anyone else?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 123
Dating is terrifying - anyone else?
So... my drinking really spiraled out of control after my last relationship ended. my ex had some problems dealing with my depression and anxiety issues. I drank a lot to numb the pain of this breakup. This breakup occurred 18 months ago.
Now I am considering dating again. I am terrified of having to be vulnerable and tell a new person, not only have I had depression and anxiety issues, but I've had a drinking problem. Wouldn't any normal person just run away screaming? I'm not sure I can deal with anymore hurt. What's the alternative? Just to stay closed off forever? I had a date last night with a guy who (thankfully) doesn't drink much but I was a nervous wreck the entire time.
Now I am considering dating again. I am terrified of having to be vulnerable and tell a new person, not only have I had depression and anxiety issues, but I've had a drinking problem. Wouldn't any normal person just run away screaming? I'm not sure I can deal with anymore hurt. What's the alternative? Just to stay closed off forever? I had a date last night with a guy who (thankfully) doesn't drink much but I was a nervous wreck the entire time.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 56
I think therapy is really important if you’re not doing already, speaking to your therapist about it would be good.
I think getting out there is good, wait to you to feel comfortable talking about it the person and don’t feel like you need to let all your baggage out at once, you can let it out slowly as you get to know people
I think getting out there is good, wait to you to feel comfortable talking about it the person and don’t feel like you need to let all your baggage out at once, you can let it out slowly as you get to know people
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Ho ZB - there's no timetable on when you should date again.
Sounds as though you're still having issues with being pigeon holed as a non drinker?
There are thousands of people out thee, millions even, who don't drink for a variety of cultural religious medical and personal reasons - and not all of them are alcoholics
There are also thousands if not millions of people in relationships with recovering addicts and alcoholics
I'd own your non drinking status. Anyone who has an issue with that is not right for you anyway.
You're not damaged goods - you're someone who changed their life and solved a problem.
That being said, I wouldn't give my warts and all life story on a first date anyway...just go out and have fun.
Sounds as though you're still having issues with being pigeon holed as a non drinker?
There are thousands of people out thee, millions even, who don't drink for a variety of cultural religious medical and personal reasons - and not all of them are alcoholics
There are also thousands if not millions of people in relationships with recovering addicts and alcoholics
I'd own your non drinking status. Anyone who has an issue with that is not right for you anyway.
You're not damaged goods - you're someone who changed their life and solved a problem.
That being said, I wouldn't give my warts and all life story on a first date anyway...just go out and have fun.
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
Yeah I feel you on that same issue! I don’t know how to be in a relationship with a woman while sober. Booze was my social lubricant & now I feel wouldn’t have much to say on a first date even after five yrs of sobriety. Being bashful & an introvert doesn’t help either. I agree on what D said; my only question is where to find them
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
I’m sympathetic! I met my partner two years ago but only after 6 years of pretty focused and intense dating. I wasn’t in recovery then but had to deal with whether/when to tell men about my mum’s suicide and my own depression. In that time I learned that awareness around mental health issues (including addiction) has gotten a LOT better in the last 5-10 years, and at least with the people I chose to open up with, they took it in their stride completely. I was surprised how many responded by talking about their own experience of mental health issues like ‘my sister is anorexic’ or ‘my dad died of alcoholism’ or ‘my brother has borderline personality disorder’ or ‘I’m on antidepressants’... frankly I think it’s pretty rare for someone to NOT have some experience (their own or of someone they are close to) of mental health issues.
I think, however/ whenever you choose to tell someone (even if it’s just saying ‘I’ll have a soft drink, thanks’) they’ll cue off of you: if you make it a big deal and portray shame, they’ll pick up on that. If you stay casual about it, they’ll follow that lead.
Also, I’m not sure how you’re dating, but I was online and the website I used had a section on the person’s profile for ‘drinks alcohol?’ And the options were like ‘daily/ often/ sometimes/ rarely/ never’, in which case if I were to be single and be back online now I would just select that I wanted someone who drank ‘rarely’ or ‘never’!
In any case, don’t let your inner critic tell you that just because you have had problems with drinking that you should feel anxious about dating. On the contrary, it shows you have strength of character and are interesting and value yourself... and that’s going to appeal to a lot of people. Run away screaming? Nah... they’re gonna be chasing you down! Good luck and have fun!!!!
I think, however/ whenever you choose to tell someone (even if it’s just saying ‘I’ll have a soft drink, thanks’) they’ll cue off of you: if you make it a big deal and portray shame, they’ll pick up on that. If you stay casual about it, they’ll follow that lead.
Also, I’m not sure how you’re dating, but I was online and the website I used had a section on the person’s profile for ‘drinks alcohol?’ And the options were like ‘daily/ often/ sometimes/ rarely/ never’, in which case if I were to be single and be back online now I would just select that I wanted someone who drank ‘rarely’ or ‘never’!
In any case, don’t let your inner critic tell you that just because you have had problems with drinking that you should feel anxious about dating. On the contrary, it shows you have strength of character and are interesting and value yourself... and that’s going to appeal to a lot of people. Run away screaming? Nah... they’re gonna be chasing you down!
Good luck and have fun!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by 1newcreation 
Yeah I feel you on that same issue! I don’t know how to be in a relationship with a woman while sober. Booze was my social lubricant & now I feel wouldn’t have much to say on a first date even after five yrs of sobriety. Being bashful & an introvert doesn’t help either. I agree on what D said; my only question is where to find them
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by dirk41
I think therapy is really important if you’re not doing already, speaking to your therapist about it would be good.
I think getting out there is good, wait to you to feel comfortable talking about it the person and don’t feel like you need to let all your baggage out at once, you can let it out slowly as you get to know people
I think getting out there is good, wait to you to feel comfortable talking about it the person and don’t feel like you need to let all your baggage out at once, you can let it out slowly as you get to know people
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,382
I might start dating again but I don't want to rush it. I've only been divorced for 11 years! Haha, the wounds are still a little fresh.
But seriously, after 20 years of marriage, I don't think anything can scare me. Not even dating!
But seriously, after 20 years of marriage, I don't think anything can scare me. Not even dating!
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Everyone is going to come into a relationship with baggage. At least you've recognized yours and are trying to constructively deal with it, unlike a lot of people out there.
That's what I tell myself, anyways. I've been divorced almost 3 years now, but I know I'm not ready to date yet - too many mixed up emotions to get tangled up with someone else at this point.
That's what I tell myself, anyways. I've been divorced almost 3 years now, but I know I'm not ready to date yet - too many mixed up emotions to get tangled up with someone else at this point.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by shortstop81
Everyone is going to come into a relationship with baggage. At least you've recognized yours and are trying to constructively deal with it, unlike a lot of people out there.
I’ve got to roll out my Amy Bloom quote again here:
“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
You’ve got depression and anxiety and are working on drink issues. That’s okay. You are still infinitely loveable and WORTHY of love.
(Okay after that uplifting note of inspiration just to add one downer: do however be prepared for YOU to not necessarily like a lot of people. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs. Just to say: don’t despair if you don’t meet someomestraight away—hopefully this is a very long term investment for you in a partner and it can take a lot of time looking so don’t despair.)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Ha, ^^^ that is awesome. No unicorns available for us 
Maybe you are pushing yourself into dating - maybe considering the wise words of Dee in his comment above....
Personally, the only person in the world I could imagine myself dating when it started was my high school boyfriend. In recovery about 5 mo behind me at the time. Who is one of the most stand up people I know. Who I trusted inherently and totally. I didn't "give in fully" (his words) til my 9 months (his assessment) but I knew that he was there, waiting and steadfast, when I did.
We have an extraordinarily special situation. My Class of Feb 2016 has certainly heard plenty about it! I am grateful I didn't really have to go out on any limb (certainly that I was excessively careful about my recovery as far as relationships go, and still am).
My thoughts are that none of us should "push" ourselves- for me, learning to realize and trust what my healing heart and mind were telling me has been important in relationships above anything else.
Others have shared their experience- in this area, I definitely believe time takes time, as they say, and cautiousness is always better than taking any risks.
Take care of YOU.
Maybe you are pushing yourself into dating - maybe considering the wise words of Dee in his comment above....
Personally, the only person in the world I could imagine myself dating when it started was my high school boyfriend. In recovery about 5 mo behind me at the time. Who is one of the most stand up people I know. Who I trusted inherently and totally. I didn't "give in fully" (his words) til my 9 months (his assessment) but I knew that he was there, waiting and steadfast, when I did.
We have an extraordinarily special situation. My Class of Feb 2016 has certainly heard plenty about it! I am grateful I didn't really have to go out on any limb (certainly that I was excessively careful about my recovery as far as relationships go, and still am).
My thoughts are that none of us should "push" ourselves- for me, learning to realize and trust what my healing heart and mind were telling me has been important in relationships above anything else.
Others have shared their experience- in this area, I definitely believe time takes time, as they say, and cautiousness is always better than taking any risks.
Take care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
Scared! 😱
I am scared of dating! The last couple of relationships did not go well at all. So for two years I have not dated. I wish I had someone and I am not afraid to admit having issues with alcohol but where do you find a person that truly understands you? I found a well to do, creative boyfriend in AA but he was neurotic and had relapses and was still in love with his ex wife of 35 years. That did not work.
Dating sites did not result in anything other than very ridiculous first dates that I could not wait to get out of and a miserable one year relationship with a rather attractive man that claimed that he was clean and spiritual but it turned out that he smoked pot 24-7 unless he was asleep.
I don't want to discourage anyone from getting out there and having fun. That sounds like a good course of action. And I had some great times, too! It was not all bad.
What is the common denominator in my failures? It's not them it is ME. But I can't beat myself over the head forever.
As usually, Dee is right. When you are ready you are ready. In the meantime, and always, great friends are your best support.
Dating sites did not result in anything other than very ridiculous first dates that I could not wait to get out of and a miserable one year relationship with a rather attractive man that claimed that he was clean and spiritual but it turned out that he smoked pot 24-7 unless he was asleep.
I don't want to discourage anyone from getting out there and having fun. That sounds like a good course of action. And I had some great times, too! It was not all bad.
What is the common denominator in my failures? It's not them it is ME. But I can't beat myself over the head forever.
As usually, Dee is right. When you are ready you are ready. In the meantime, and always, great friends are your best support.
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