Cancer and Alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Cancer and Alcoholism
new here so not totally sure how to use the site etc.
My husband of 20 yrs is a high functioning alcoholic.
I thought (for many years) of leaving him but I know I never will.
2017 he fought cancer (AML) and there were times even the dr thought he would die.
Thankfully he made it and is now in recent remission.
Most of 2017 he was an inpatient and so couldn't drink
Now in remission he's drinking again. Started off slowly but gathering momentum fast.
I'm so sad and angry
Sad - is this how the remainder of our marriage / time on earth will be? I nearly lost him to cancer (and septic shock 2 x) and yet the drinking is back. Cancer can come back at any time.
Angry - there is a lot of anecdotal evidence that alcohol can alter dna etc (he has acute myeloid leukaemia - blood cancer - caused by faulty genetic markers in bone marrow) yet - despite being given a second chance at life he's risking it again. I don't understand why he won't do EVERYTHING in his power to stay healthy.
I stuck by him through the illness and did a lot of his caring / nursing myself BUT.....after this I feel I deserve him to try a bit harder?
I want us to have a "new" life.
I don't want the remainder of my own life to be filled with this sadness and anger and fear....yet I know I will never leave him (I love him too much).
I want us to sell our (big) house - downscale and have no mortgage (so he can stop working or both of us go part time) but he said this morning that he is happy with how life is....I said to him I am unhappy. However, I suspect he knows I'll never leave and so he has no need to change.
My husband of 20 yrs is a high functioning alcoholic.
I thought (for many years) of leaving him but I know I never will.
2017 he fought cancer (AML) and there were times even the dr thought he would die.
Thankfully he made it and is now in recent remission.
Most of 2017 he was an inpatient and so couldn't drink
Now in remission he's drinking again. Started off slowly but gathering momentum fast.
I'm so sad and angry
Sad - is this how the remainder of our marriage / time on earth will be? I nearly lost him to cancer (and septic shock 2 x) and yet the drinking is back. Cancer can come back at any time.
Angry - there is a lot of anecdotal evidence that alcohol can alter dna etc (he has acute myeloid leukaemia - blood cancer - caused by faulty genetic markers in bone marrow) yet - despite being given a second chance at life he's risking it again. I don't understand why he won't do EVERYTHING in his power to stay healthy.
I stuck by him through the illness and did a lot of his caring / nursing myself BUT.....after this I feel I deserve him to try a bit harder?
I want us to have a "new" life.
I don't want the remainder of my own life to be filled with this sadness and anger and fear....yet I know I will never leave him (I love him too much).
I want us to sell our (big) house - downscale and have no mortgage (so he can stop working or both of us go part time) but he said this morning that he is happy with how life is....I said to him I am unhappy. However, I suspect he knows I'll never leave and so he has no need to change.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm so sorry you are going through this. My husband died of cancer after an almost 2 year battle. It was extremely difficult. I can't imagine him surviving and then seemingly throwing it down the drain by drinking. There is a very 'gloom and doom' feeling with cancer. When battling it 'its all cancer all the time' (I've had cancer twice myself)...when beating it its the fear of knowing it could come back. I relate.
Please take care of YOU in this process. I lost myself completely when my husband was sick and it took quite a while to find myself again. I know the hospitals that treat cancer have groups to support both the survivors and the caregivers. You could also check out Alanon. Good luck.
Please take care of YOU in this process. I lost myself completely when my husband was sick and it took quite a while to find myself again. I know the hospitals that treat cancer have groups to support both the survivors and the caregivers. You could also check out Alanon. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you Dee74 and also Frickaflip233
Im new to this so Im not sure how I can read your profiles? Are you the person who has / had the addictions or someone who loves / loved / for an addict?
Dee - yes I've joined hoping for some folk who can support and who "know" what we each go thru. Husband is high functioning alcoholic so is very successful as hiding it in the day to day things life entails with work etc. In the evenings when he is home thats when its obvious. I see it after even one drink his eyes are glazing etc.
Frick - im so sorry that you lost your husband after a 2 year hard fight! Cancer is a beast! It is hard on the patient and those that love them. So happy that you have beaten it yourself twice! Tho as you know the fear is still there. That's what I don't understand how he can not be taking his health seriously now!!!
I am on a cancer support forum (in UK its called Macmillan) but I don't want to post on there about the alcohol. To me it feels as though they are 2 different things - but if the cancer doesn't claim him then it seems alcohol will.
My husbands cancer has made me question what I want in life.
Im not totally sure what I do want (lol) but I know what I DONT want....and that is spending the remainder of his / my / our days sharing the space with alcoholism.
He said (when he was in hospital n sober) that he saw then how it affected us / life / his physical and mental health ... but now he claims his drinking is no big deal after all.
I feel stuck - I won't leave him - but he won't leave alcohol.
Wish I had a magic wand.
Im new to this so Im not sure how I can read your profiles? Are you the person who has / had the addictions or someone who loves / loved / for an addict?
Dee - yes I've joined hoping for some folk who can support and who "know" what we each go thru. Husband is high functioning alcoholic so is very successful as hiding it in the day to day things life entails with work etc. In the evenings when he is home thats when its obvious. I see it after even one drink his eyes are glazing etc.
Frick - im so sorry that you lost your husband after a 2 year hard fight! Cancer is a beast! It is hard on the patient and those that love them. So happy that you have beaten it yourself twice! Tho as you know the fear is still there. That's what I don't understand how he can not be taking his health seriously now!!!
I am on a cancer support forum (in UK its called Macmillan) but I don't want to post on there about the alcohol. To me it feels as though they are 2 different things - but if the cancer doesn't claim him then it seems alcohol will.
My husbands cancer has made me question what I want in life.
Im not totally sure what I do want (lol) but I know what I DONT want....and that is spending the remainder of his / my / our days sharing the space with alcoholism.
He said (when he was in hospital n sober) that he saw then how it affected us / life / his physical and mental health ... but now he claims his drinking is no big deal after all.
I feel stuck - I won't leave him - but he won't leave alcohol.
Wish I had a magic wand.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
jay, i notice something contradictory in what ya type:
Im not totally sure what I do want (lol) but I know what I DONT want....and that is spending the remainder of his / my / our days sharing the space with alcoholism.
and then:
I feel stuck - I won't leave him - but he won't leave alcohol.
you dont want to spend the remainder of your life with alcoholism yet wont leave him.
thats a catch 22.
you may want to visit the friends and family forum here. there are a lot of folks on that forum that have been in your shoes- folks with experience of what does and doesnt work.
p.s.
i wasnt going to stop drinking until i decided i wanted to stop drinking. it took my fiance tossing me to the curb before i finally wanted help- FOR ME. not for my fiance. not for my job. not for anything but me.
Im not totally sure what I do want (lol) but I know what I DONT want....and that is spending the remainder of his / my / our days sharing the space with alcoholism.
and then:
I feel stuck - I won't leave him - but he won't leave alcohol.
you dont want to spend the remainder of your life with alcoholism yet wont leave him.
thats a catch 22.
you may want to visit the friends and family forum here. there are a lot of folks on that forum that have been in your shoes- folks with experience of what does and doesnt work.
p.s.
i wasnt going to stop drinking until i decided i wanted to stop drinking. it took my fiance tossing me to the curb before i finally wanted help- FOR ME. not for my fiance. not for my job. not for anything but me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome!
I'm sorry for your difficult situation.
It does seem like you have to decide how you want to see the rest of your life. If you are sure you won't leave, then are you ready to accept that your husband is drinking again? I truly hope that you find some peace.
I'm sorry for your difficult situation.
It does seem like you have to decide how you want to see the rest of your life. If you are sure you won't leave, then are you ready to accept that your husband is drinking again? I truly hope that you find some peace.
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