bunchie

Been sober 16 days, I have been to meetings , I find the meetings helpful, have met some real good people, but I have also met some people who look down their nose at you if you question anything . I respect SAW, but I find it very depressing, it constantly reminds everyone of their failures, I am going to continue to go because it occupies time, but as of now I am not getting a sponsor and I am not doing the steps, I already have faith , I believe in God so I have no problem with the spiritual aspect of AA, but I do have a lot of questions about some of the the members of AA who think because they have been sober longer than me that they can look down on me.

Dee74

Maybe try some different meetings, different home groups Bunchie?
I'm sure not every old timer is a reactionary, know it all, grouchy old bugger

Your perception may change too over time? I felt insecure as a newcomer but often that insecurity manifested itself as pride and left me bristling at people I thought were looking down on me.

I really didn't like some of the old timer AA guys here at SR ten years ago when I got here....but now looking back I see a lot of wisdom - and lasting recovery - in things they said and did

D

MrsLecter

Humans are a real mixed bag! It has taken me a while to find the right set of meetings for me where I feel comfortable.

Now I'm sober I would say that I am definitely more sassy. When i was drinking i had a very agreeable attitude because i was apathetic about everything, but now, if someone volunteers some information to me (the other day I had the usual "you're not clean if you're on antidepressants") I don't just go along with it, I stand up for myself. We can all learn from each other in AA but i will ignore anyone with a ****** attitude who thinks they know how to do sobriety better than anyone else.

I take what i need, give back what i can and leave the rest. Often it has been the people that i disagreed with the most that have revealed some big things about my own attitudes and state of mind!

August252015

So I'm not sure what SAW stands for....but here are my thoughts:

I had to learn to focus on ME - not on issues, real or imagined, I had with others. The sayings "take what you want and leave the rest" and "look for the people who have what you want" were- are- especially helpful with us. Keeping in and getting back in "my own lane" is so important and keeps me plenty busy.

I'm curious why you're not working the steps or getting a sponsor? Going to meetings is great, being sober is wonderful - but the benefits of really working and understanding and developing my program - a whole new way of being- has been the best thing I've ever done.

Take care.

PS- Dee has a great point- a lot of my opinions of others have changed over time. As I got to know them, behind some who seemed "stuck up" or annoying or know it all, lie valuable lessons and stories for me when I have chosen to listen rather than complain or dismiss.

tomsteve

that reads like a question right there. it very well could just be a problem with perception- you view them as looking down on you because of what they are saying yet they could be looking across at you explaining what does and doesnt work from their experience-experience received over many years.

or
have these people said they look down on you?

alcoholics fresh in recovery are sensitive- thats very common. alcoholics fresh in recovery arent always going to hear what they want to hear-thats just a fact. typically what we dont want to hear is coming from someone that cares enough to comment on what they hear from newcomers-we old farts are there to help the newcomer. we could just keeo our mouths shut when we hear irrational or insane words, but wheres the love in that?

Nonsensical

So does my AV.
It likes me to focus on anything I can that will not be helpful to my sobriety.

Congrats on 16 days. Keep it going!

shortstop81

It's still a little early still, so maybe by continuing to go to meetings and keeping an open mind, you may eventually choose to get a sponsor and work the steps.

I don't always agree with everything that gets said at meetings - we ARE after all just human. But like others have said, I look for those people who seem to genuinely have what I want and I gravitate towards them. My sponsor is fantastic and non-judgemental - but she does land some harsh truth-bombs on me at times, but she wouldn't be a good sponsor if she didn't.

Either way, congrats on 16 days bunchie!

Time2Rise

Are other programs like SMART Recovery available in your area? If so you could try one of them instead. Also, I agree with the suggestions to try other AA groups and meetings. In my limited experience, no two groups or meetings are quite the same.

Ultimately, in evry type of recovery group, we sometimes just have to ignore and/or avoid disagreeable people.

Maudcat

Hi, Buncjie.
I found some AA meetings to be a bit cliquey, til I found a meeting that worked for me.
Maybe try different meetings?

August252015

I also meant to gently inquire - 16 days? How many meetings have you been to - are you trying the 90 in 90 the program "veterans" typically recommend (for lots of good reasons)?

I sure wasn't qualified to judge meetings or people this early- and I now know I have no business doing so ever!

entropy1964

I find the meetings helpful, have met some real good people,

So focus on the real good people you have met, not the people you perceive to be arrogant. Its a group of people. Good, bad and ugly. Can't like everyone and everything.

Good luck.

MyLittleHorsie

Just keep looking, I am sure you will find meetings that work for you. It could be you are uber sensitive and lacking confidence right now, or it could be those folks are legitimate arseholes.

DontRemember

Not sure what SAW is,but in my early days with AA i felt judged/looked down on at times. Once I got to know the people better, i realized they were only explaining what/why they thought I was not done drinking(they were correct). They were trying to help,but as with any group of people(sober or drunk) there's obviously going to be personality/belief differences.

Berrybean

Sorry if you're smarting a little over something Bunchie.
What happened to make you think they re looking down at you? And who are 'they'? A big group of people, or a couple of folk?

I felt like this about a couple of ladies at my home group when I joined. They reminded me of female versions of Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show, just more cantankerous. Turned out in the end that 6 months down the line I asked one of those grumpy ladies to be my sponsor. As she says herself, she can't help that she was born with resting bitch face - Honestly HER words not mine. Anyway, turned out that once I started to realise there was compassion and wisdom behind those huffs and raised eyebrows I also started to value her honesty, and the fact that she was prepared to take the less comfortable option and tell me what I needed to hear rather than just give me platitudes and tell me what I wanted to hear.

I came in with a very definite view that I just needed to get alcohol out of my system, break the habit, and form some sober friendships. I had no idea just what a journey recovery was going to be, and needed to be if I was going to change enough to live sober happily and comfortably. In a way it was good I had no idea or it would have scared me to death. But those old dears knew, and they were willing to listen to my whining for months before I finally realised that I really did need Recovery as well as sobriety. Old timers can drive us newbies nuts, but they really are valuable, and when you want someone who you can trust to not BS us, we know who to go to.

Hope things get easier as you get to know those old timers a little better.

BB

Anna

16 days of recovery is great!

I hope you find something that works well for you.

golfreggie

Well said, thanks

golfreggie

Let's see what my expectations of an AA group are. Am I expecting completely whole, financially secure, physically pure and healthy, emotionally stable, and wise beyond measure good -looking, polite, socially gifted individuals? I think I will be disappointed. I think I do better when I let others be them, and take their experience strength and hope that I can incorporate in my life. We all are on the road, some have just had more miles, so to speak. In seriousness, find just one person you "like" -- "admire", etc. Build a relationship before and after meetings. After awhile you may find someone asking you to be their friend, that's one benefit of meetings. Just my take, hope it helps

2muchpain

I think it helps to have good sense of humor when attending AA meetings. Took me a while to get there, but it sure is better than being upset all the time with stuff that was going on when I first started going to meetings. I remember one guy always sharing about the history of AA. I guess it made him feel good. Another guy, and this is a true story, would walk in the meetings in a trench coat and fancy hat. I swear he looked just like the guys in the Godfather movies. Always made a grand entrance. There was one very nice cushioned chair in the front of the table. He always walked in and sat there. Nobody else would sit there. Now that's just funny, but I figured maybe that's the role he has to play to stay sober. Not my business. I say go to the meetings and focus on why you're there. John

Hats

Lots of good suggestions on this.
At 205 days sober I still consider myself as a newbie solely because there's so much more for me to learn and it really is a continuous journey of learning and growing. I attend many meetings through out the week regularly, I have a sponsor and I'm grateful he's taken the time out of his life to pass on his wisdom and take me through the 12 steps. I couldn't have done it alone, that's for sure.
That being said, I have ran into "better than you" types with long term sobriety that sometimes make the newcomer feel discouraged, unwelcome, doing it wrong ect. Thankfully I have a sponsor who I can confide in about it "In a general way." and it either changes my perspective on it or I learn something from it. Either way, the vast majority of folks I see in AA truly care and are there to help the Alcoholic who still suffers. I stick to those meetings.
It's unfortunate that there are some long term sober people like that but I have to ask myself this question "Do I really want there brand of sobriety" Nope...
I'll I can do is pray for them and live and let live. Focus on myself, keep it simple, surround myself with good sober folk and do my best to practice the steps and principals of whats been passed on to me.

August252015

^^^