Am I as sick as he is?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: somewhere, IL
Posts: 2
Am I as sick as he is?
I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 1 year. I knew he drank before I married him, I just didn't realize how much. I am 41 years old, have raised my children, have always been a good person who followed the rules. Now I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I should be enjoying this part of my life, instead I find myself lonely and frustrated. I can't talk to my family because I know they would be ashamed and disgusted by what I put up with. My AH used to be so nice to me. Now he blames me for all his problems. He says such mean things to me for no reason. I can't depend on him for anything. He has broken so many commitments they are uncountable. He used to love me, now he only loves his bottle. He doesn't care about my needs being met, only his own. He is the most selfish person I have ever met. What happened? Is this really what alcohol does to someone? I have never felt so lost and lonely in my entire life. I am tired of his abuse but I keep believing him when he says he is sorry and will quit. I feel so stupid most of the time. I feel like I have not only lost him, but I have also lost myself.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Sorry to say but yes alcohol can and does do that to him AND you as well.
Your post reads like my life history of my past.
What I would recommend is this... Seek out Al Anon meetings in your area and read the posts here on this board.
His issues brought on and caused by the drinking are issues only he can change. You need seek support and knowledge for your own self so his issues don't pull you in.
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it (he needs do that)
But what you can do is take care of self. That is something you have control over. Seek the support of AlAnon would be the best idea in my opinion.
Your post reads like my life history of my past.
What I would recommend is this... Seek out Al Anon meetings in your area and read the posts here on this board.
His issues brought on and caused by the drinking are issues only he can change. You need seek support and knowledge for your own self so his issues don't pull you in.
You didn't cause it
You can't fix it (he needs do that)
But what you can do is take care of self. That is something you have control over. Seek the support of AlAnon would be the best idea in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Reagan and welcome. Hard to tell with alcohol. It's the chicken and the egg thing. Is he like this because of the alcohol or does he drink because he's like this? Doesn't matter. What matters is that you find yourself in an unfulfilling and frustrating situation with no solution in sight.
You can get you back. You might want to check out an alanon group in your area and consider working the steps. You might want to read some about codependency (a lot of us here are fond of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More ) and see if you feel any of it applies to your situation. At the top of this forum you'll see a thread called "power posts". They are just some threads we thought would be of particular interest to our newcomers. One of them is called "bookclub"... some reading recommendations from our members. And please keep reading and posting here. We've all been where you are and we DO want to hear about it. You don't have to feel alone any more. You were part of our family before you ever knew we existed.
Hugs!
Smoke
You can get you back. You might want to check out an alanon group in your area and consider working the steps. You might want to read some about codependency (a lot of us here are fond of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More ) and see if you feel any of it applies to your situation. At the top of this forum you'll see a thread called "power posts". They are just some threads we thought would be of particular interest to our newcomers. One of them is called "bookclub"... some reading recommendations from our members. And please keep reading and posting here. We've all been where you are and we DO want to hear about it. You don't have to feel alone any more. You were part of our family before you ever knew we existed.
Hugs!
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
((regan)) welcome--you will find love and support here! If I may offer some advice (having married 2 A's)--you wont figure out his stuff, only he can decide when he is ready. you can concentrate on you--maybe find a alanon group or start here by reading thru posts. right now you are probably hurting and confused, angry and frustrated--and many other emotions you have a right to be feeling BUT you can only work on yourself--let go and let God. in here, in alanon, with your HP, you will begin to find peace and calm. whatever is the reason your A uses is not your doing, you didnt cause it and you cant change it. once you really begin to believe this you will embrace the healing that begins within you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers--please stay in touch.
((hugs))
((hugs))
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Reagan and welcome,
This disease screws everybody up. It's not picky. In a years' time, you've seen the changes in him, so you know what it does to the person drinking and look at yourself and see how it's damaged you. So, basically, you are sick, but thank God, not as sick as he is.
In a way, you're lucky. It's only been a year. I'm not saying that what you've been through has only lasted a year because what you've experienced is the same as those of us who put up with it for 10-20-30 years. What I mean is that you see it early in the marriage and are asking questions. A good first step.
It's typical for the AH to blame everyone else for their problems. It's easier and there's less guilt on their part.
Just know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His recovery is totally up to him.
You should start to totally focus on yourself and your healing. If you've not gone to Alanon meetings, now is the time to get started. There are oodles of them around the country. Very easy to find with meetings at all times of the day and night. They'll have loads of literature that you can read, which will educate you about the disease.
Quit putting yourself down. You're not stupid. You're hurting and confused. That's where the meetings will help you.
Take care and look to your higher power.
Blessings, Kathy
This disease screws everybody up. It's not picky. In a years' time, you've seen the changes in him, so you know what it does to the person drinking and look at yourself and see how it's damaged you. So, basically, you are sick, but thank God, not as sick as he is.
In a way, you're lucky. It's only been a year. I'm not saying that what you've been through has only lasted a year because what you've experienced is the same as those of us who put up with it for 10-20-30 years. What I mean is that you see it early in the marriage and are asking questions. A good first step.
It's typical for the AH to blame everyone else for their problems. It's easier and there's less guilt on their part.
Just know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His recovery is totally up to him.
You should start to totally focus on yourself and your healing. If you've not gone to Alanon meetings, now is the time to get started. There are oodles of them around the country. Very easy to find with meetings at all times of the day and night. They'll have loads of literature that you can read, which will educate you about the disease.
Quit putting yourself down. You're not stupid. You're hurting and confused. That's where the meetings will help you.
Take care and look to your higher power.
Blessings, Kathy
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