Wife's new AA girlfriends - need to understand
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Wife's new AA girlfriends - need to understand
wife in aa since end of last year.
She is serious about recovery attending multiple meeting per week sometimes 2 a day.
Made lots of new women friends.
Made one very close woman friend who is going through very rough family issues. My wife likes to help people.
She is spending more and more time with this new best friend.
They went away to friend's country house last weekend.
I know wife talks **** about me to her and she, being in the middle of a divorce agrees with everything she says. Some support group!
Wife is becoming very selfish and ignoring my needs and wants.
I am not controlling, just dont want to be hurt and ignored, and lied about.
Wife has "slipped" a few times. hid it, lied about it. Crazy making for me.
Do I let her have her friendship and spend this amount of time away or communicate my unease and displeasure with being left alone all the time, along with the increased fights we are having?
Is this an emotional affair with her new best female friend?
She is serious about recovery attending multiple meeting per week sometimes 2 a day.
Made lots of new women friends.
Made one very close woman friend who is going through very rough family issues. My wife likes to help people.
She is spending more and more time with this new best friend.
They went away to friend's country house last weekend.
I know wife talks **** about me to her and she, being in the middle of a divorce agrees with everything she says. Some support group!
Wife is becoming very selfish and ignoring my needs and wants.
I am not controlling, just dont want to be hurt and ignored, and lied about.
Wife has "slipped" a few times. hid it, lied about it. Crazy making for me.
Do I let her have her friendship and spend this amount of time away or communicate my unease and displeasure with being left alone all the time, along with the increased fights we are having?
Is this an emotional affair with her new best female friend?
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I was with you,right up to "Do I *let* her...."
I suppose you can draw a line in the sand. On the whole, I have observed that issuing ultimatums and taking a stance that one spouse is sovereign ruler over another isn't a very effective way of helping a relationship be better.
I suppose you can draw a line in the sand. On the whole, I have observed that issuing ultimatums and taking a stance that one spouse is sovereign ruler over another isn't a very effective way of helping a relationship be better.
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Originally Posted by velma929 
I was with you,right up to "Do I *let* her...."
I suppose you can draw a line in the sand. On the whole, I have observed that issuing ultimatums and taking a stance that one spouse is sovereign ruler over another isn't a very effective way of helping a relationship be better.
I suppose you can draw a line in the sand. On the whole, I have observed that issuing ultimatums and taking a stance that one spouse is sovereign ruler over another isn't a very effective way of helping a relationship be better.
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Originally Posted by donewithhurting
or is this a good thing for her recovery?
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs . All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.
is it a good thing for her recovery? not my place to say, but it reads like an issue for you, so would be wise to find out why and work on you.
IN AA- have a sponsor? working the steps?
or just AROUND AA?
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
a little from the big book:
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs . All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.
is it a good thing for her recovery? not my place to say, but it reads like an issue for you, so would be wise to find out why and work on you.
IN AA- have a sponsor? working the steps?
or just AROUND AA?
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs . All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe.
is it a good thing for her recovery? not my place to say, but it reads like an issue for you, so would be wise to find out why and work on you.
IN AA- have a sponsor? working the steps?
or just AROUND AA?
That aside, is it common in aa for same sex friends to get so close in support of each other as family members and other friends get left behind?
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dwh, I believe tomsteve is asking if your wife is IN AA w/a sponsor and working the steps, or if she's just AROUND AA, as in
"going to meetings but not necessarily fully embracing the principles."
Not if you are in AA.
"going to meetings but not necessarily fully embracing the principles."
Not if you are in AA.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
dwh, I believe tomsteve is asking if your wife is IN AA w/a sponsor and working the steps, or if she's just AROUND AA, as in
"going to meetings but not necessarily fully embracing the principles."
Not if you are in AA.
"going to meetings but not necessarily fully embracing the principles."
Not if you are in AA.
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downwithhurting....The way I see it...you have every right to express your needs and share your feeling about your relationship, with her....you are still a husband and life partner....
She is an adult and an equal...so, I don't see that there is any place for "letting" her do anything....She has free will...just as you do...
Just speaking as a woman...we DO tend to get very close with each other and share our feelings and chew o n them and digest them, together....we love to chew our bones in a close intimate group....(a general statement, of course)...
My suggestion to you...is to back way off of trying to analyze her recovery efforts....after sharing your feeling about the state of your relationship....
She is in early recovery...very early. As you may have notices...the first months of recovery are quite hellish for most alcoholics....and, the program may be the thing that is keeping them on their feet, at all....
I think it would help you to find ways to detach...detach...detach...from her recovery efforts....
Whether you think they are good or bad...the proof will be in the pudding, after all is said and done....
In order to detach...you will need to be working on yourself and your own program as hard as the alcoholic is....
Keep in mind...every time you try to run interference...or she perceives you as doing so...it will come back and bite you on the backside.....
***I am not in AA...but, I don't interpret the term "powerless" as meaning powerless in all things....only in the face of the drink...
However...I defer to those who are AA or the Big Book...in this matter...
She is an adult and an equal...so, I don't see that there is any place for "letting" her do anything....She has free will...just as you do...
Just speaking as a woman...we DO tend to get very close with each other and share our feelings and chew o n them and digest them, together....we love to chew our bones in a close intimate group....(a general statement, of course)...
My suggestion to you...is to back way off of trying to analyze her recovery efforts....after sharing your feeling about the state of your relationship....
She is in early recovery...very early. As you may have notices...the first months of recovery are quite hellish for most alcoholics....and, the program may be the thing that is keeping them on their feet, at all....
I think it would help you to find ways to detach...detach...detach...from her recovery efforts....
Whether you think they are good or bad...the proof will be in the pudding, after all is said and done....
In order to detach...you will need to be working on yourself and your own program as hard as the alcoholic is....
Keep in mind...every time you try to run interference...or she perceives you as doing so...it will come back and bite you on the backside.....
***I am not in AA...but, I don't interpret the term "powerless" as meaning powerless in all things....only in the face of the drink...
However...I defer to those who are AA or the Big Book...in this matter...
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dandylion - that was very helpful and comforting to hear a woman's perspective.
I personally don't get that close that quickly to any guys nor share very personal details. How do i know when it's gone over the edge? I haven't done anything to her yet she blames me for all sorts of things and seems to want to avoid me. This started fairly recently.
she has had a history of getting too close too quickly and it has bitten her on her ass. I think she's just following her pattern. I trust her working aa will work on that
I personally don't get that close that quickly to any guys nor share very personal details. How do i know when it's gone over the edge? I haven't done anything to her yet she blames me for all sorts of things and seems to want to avoid me. This started fairly recently.
she has had a history of getting too close too quickly and it has bitten her on her ass. I think she's just following her pattern. I trust her working aa will work on that
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in your prior post, you stated that you laid down the "no friends of the opposite sex" rule. now she has developed "friendships" with other women in the program, and you are still upset. going as far as to wonder if she is having an emotional affair with this other women......
she's gonna do what she is going to do and you can't stop her.
detachment is really our best tool......getting the hang of it takes time.
there's a saying.....drop the rope. can't have a tug of war unless both sides are tugging. if you drop your end, game over. you might have to pry one finger off at a time.....not a lot of us LET GO with ease.
it's not about allowing her to do anything. she's not a teenager with a curfew. it's about accepting that right now it is what it is. you can then reflect on the state of IS and decide if it's still something you want to continue.
she's gonna do what she is going to do and you can't stop her.
detachment is really our best tool......getting the hang of it takes time.
there's a saying.....drop the rope. can't have a tug of war unless both sides are tugging. if you drop your end, game over. you might have to pry one finger off at a time.....not a lot of us LET GO with ease.
it's not about allowing her to do anything. she's not a teenager with a curfew. it's about accepting that right now it is what it is. you can then reflect on the state of IS and decide if it's still something you want to continue.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
she's gonna do what she is going to do and you can't stop her.
"I believe we all make choices in our lives and to give up that power takes away personal responsibility." I agree 100%, but her feelings and actions are not your choices.
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Originally Posted by donewithhurting
I am concerned that she is susceptible to peer pressure, and falling in with recently divorced company, who will tell her what they want her to hear and encourage her to cheat.
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She knows where the door is, too.
The harsh fact of relationships is that anyone can leave at any time for any or no reason. That is a risk we all take when getting into any relationship.
You're tying yourself in knots worrying about the future. Just stay in the moment. Whatever happens you will be okay and your life will be okay and you will be able to handle it.
"Worry is like a rocking-chair. It gives me something to do but it doesn't get me anywhere."
Surely you can teach yourself to think about happier things?
The harsh fact of relationships is that anyone can leave at any time for any or no reason. That is a risk we all take when getting into any relationship.
You're tying yourself in knots worrying about the future. Just stay in the moment. Whatever happens you will be okay and your life will be okay and you will be able to handle it.
"Worry is like a rocking-chair. It gives me something to do but it doesn't get me anywhere."
Surely you can teach yourself to think about happier things?
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I am concerned that she is susceptible to peer pressure, and falling in with recently divorced company, who will tell her what they want her to hear and encourage her to cheat.
It sounds like you are both unhappy in your relationship and she is less interested in working on it than you are. All you can do is address this with your wife, perhaps with a counselor.
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Originally Posted by donewithhurting
wife in aa since end of last year.
She is serious about recovery attending multiple meeting per week sometimes 2 a day.
Made lots of new women friends.
]Made one very close woman friend who is going through very rough family issues. My wife likes to help people
She is spending more and more time with this new best friend.
They went away to friend's country house last weekend.
I know wife talks **** about me to her and she, being in the middle of a divorce agrees with everything she says. Some support group!
Wife is becoming very selfish and ignoring my needs and wants.
I am not controlling, just dont want to be hurt and ignored, and lied about.
Wife has "slipped" a few times. hid it, lied about it. Crazy making for me.
Do I let her have her friendship and spend this amount of time away or communicate my unease and displeasure with being left alone all the time, along with the increased fights we are having?
She is serious about recovery attending multiple meeting per week sometimes 2 a day.
Made lots of new women friends.
]Made one very close woman friend who is going through very rough family issues. My wife likes to help people
She is spending more and more time with this new best friend.
They went away to friend's country house last weekend.
I know wife talks **** about me to her and she, being in the middle of a divorce agrees with everything she says. Some support group!
Wife is becoming very selfish and ignoring my needs and wants.
I am not controlling, just dont want to be hurt and ignored, and lied about.
Wife has "slipped" a few times. hid it, lied about it. Crazy making for me.
Do I let her have her friendship and spend this amount of time away or communicate my unease and displeasure with being left alone all the time, along with the increased fights we are having?
Your feeling uneasy/displeasure as she neglects the marriage
The two of you are fighting more
She's had several "sips" on alcohol, hid it, lied about it.
Has made new friends in AA, one of which is in an emotional crisis (divorce) and your wife who is struggling with her own sobriety, and "likes to help people" has become her sidekick and what sounds like her emotional support.
One issue however - when a person is engaging in addictive or unhealthy behaviors there is often denial, blame shifting. I think a discussion will be very tricky because she may just flip it on you. Especially since she is "doing something" to address her drinking "her program" - she may just say you don't understand and need to leave her be. It could be your wife has several dysfunctional issues going on.
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I am concerned that she is susceptible to peer pressure, and falling in with recently divorced company, who will tell her what they want her to hear and encourage her to cheat.
wow, seriously?? that's where you mind goes? that's quite the leap....
Captain Obvious here says that you have TRUST issues. you don't trust this woman called wife any farther than you could throw an elephant. and you see everything "out there" as a threat. AA, gay men, straight men, women, divorced women. you also have a pretty dim view of your wife as an adult capable of making her own choices. or at least choices that you approve of.
she didn't need anyone in her ear when she cheated on you before, did she? that's kind of been a theme over time. as much as some people claim to forgive, cheating is really a devastating soul killing act. and IMHO it's really ok to not just let it go, sweep it under the rug. cuz you end up with a big rhino sized lump under that rug.
what are you doing for you? you've been hurt. have you really found gentle ways to heal that hurt?
wow, seriously?? that's where you mind goes? that's quite the leap....
Captain Obvious here says that you have TRUST issues. you don't trust this woman called wife any farther than you could throw an elephant. and you see everything "out there" as a threat. AA, gay men, straight men, women, divorced women. you also have a pretty dim view of your wife as an adult capable of making her own choices. or at least choices that you approve of.
she didn't need anyone in her ear when she cheated on you before, did she? that's kind of been a theme over time. as much as some people claim to forgive, cheating is really a devastating soul killing act. and IMHO it's really ok to not just let it go, sweep it under the rug. cuz you end up with a big rhino sized lump under that rug.
what are you doing for you? you've been hurt. have you really found gentle ways to heal that hurt?
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It sounds to me like you are way too involved (or trying to be) in her recovery. If you start to work on yourself and your own recovery (like al anon) you will find, eventually, serenity for yourself.
Your wife is going to do what she is going to do. You have no control over anyone else’s actions. You can only control your own.
I struggle with this a lot as well. My AH is very early into his sobriety, and he is constantly going to meetings as well as therapy appointments. I do have many resentments I am hanging onto regarding my marriage. Here’s the thing though, when I am minding my own side of the road, practicing self care, and doing what i want to be doing I find I am in a much better mood overall. However when I am sticking my nose into my AH’s very personal journey, that’s when I start to get moody and irritable.
I know several people have said on this forum and in my al anon groups, that working on a relationship/marriage with an active alcoholic or a very newly sober alcoholic, is like brushing your teeth with Oreo cookies. I have found this to be SO true.
Good luck!
Your wife is going to do what she is going to do. You have no control over anyone else’s actions. You can only control your own.
I struggle with this a lot as well. My AH is very early into his sobriety, and he is constantly going to meetings as well as therapy appointments. I do have many resentments I am hanging onto regarding my marriage. Here’s the thing though, when I am minding my own side of the road, practicing self care, and doing what i want to be doing I find I am in a much better mood overall. However when I am sticking my nose into my AH’s very personal journey, that’s when I start to get moody and irritable.
I know several people have said on this forum and in my al anon groups, that working on a relationship/marriage with an active alcoholic or a very newly sober alcoholic, is like brushing your teeth with Oreo cookies. I have found this to be SO true.
Good luck!
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donewithhurting.....I gave you a link to our extensive library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones...so many, that you could read one every day....Most of them are not written anywhere else, al have been written in the tears and strength of those who have passed before you/us on this forum...That link is in the Feb 27th. post that I made to you....
There is a lot that I think will benefit you....
Now, I know that you have stated, several times that you have read everything that has been written on the subject....lol...so, I hope that your hair will not go on fire at my suggestions....
I see, from your writings, that you have been of a lot of support to her, in the past, for some specific reasons...so, I can see you very much as the "caretaker" one, in these situations...and, you are able to hold up when she "needs you"....
I can imagine that it must feel very strange to you...and, perhaps, cause you to wonder if she is lost, to you...now that she doesn't "need" you with her recovery from alcoholism....like a major shift ...like a fault shift in the relationship...(think earthquake)....
IF you have not read the "bible" around here..."CO-Dependent No More"....I hope you will do so. It is an easy read and a real eye opener.....
(If you do read it...I would love to hear your evaluation of the book)....
Now...to add insult to injury , with my referring reading materials to you...lol....
You are probably too young to remember...but...there was a book that was all the rage, several years ago...at the top of the bestseller list for a long time....
"Women are from Venus/Men are from Mars".....if you are interested...it gives an interesting explanation of how women and men tend to socialize differently when dealing with their feelings...much like I described to you, in my post that you referenced....
dandylion...the librarian...has now left the building....
There is a lot that I think will benefit you....
Now, I know that you have stated, several times that you have read everything that has been written on the subject....lol...so, I hope that your hair will not go on fire at my suggestions....
I see, from your writings, that you have been of a lot of support to her, in the past, for some specific reasons...so, I can see you very much as the "caretaker" one, in these situations...and, you are able to hold up when she "needs you"....
I can imagine that it must feel very strange to you...and, perhaps, cause you to wonder if she is lost, to you...now that she doesn't "need" you with her recovery from alcoholism....like a major shift ...like a fault shift in the relationship...(think earthquake)....
IF you have not read the "bible" around here..."CO-Dependent No More"....I hope you will do so. It is an easy read and a real eye opener.....
(If you do read it...I would love to hear your evaluation of the book)....
Now...to add insult to injury , with my referring reading materials to you...lol....
You are probably too young to remember...but...there was a book that was all the rage, several years ago...at the top of the bestseller list for a long time....
"Women are from Venus/Men are from Mars".....if you are interested...it gives an interesting explanation of how women and men tend to socialize differently when dealing with their feelings...much like I described to you, in my post that you referenced....
dandylion...the librarian...has now left the building....
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