Is expecting anything from him too much?

Old 03-16-2018, 12:07 PM
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Is expecting anything from him too much?

He seems genuinely confused even though I am very clear. He's been sober 2 1/2 mo. Going to AA and looks forward to his meetings.

I haven't been able to be in the same room with him for 3 months. I get panicky feeling and need to get away. He can't drive, so I do all the driving. I do ok when we are in the car for short trips. He has been good at staying home and just giving me a list to go get what he needs. Long trips are not possible. I feel trapped, I get massive migraines from the tension.

He is supposed to help our daughter fix her bathroom. She is paying him too. He was supposed to ride from our house to hers (1 1/2 hour drive) last weekend but he had to reschedule for whatever reason. He tried to find someone to drive him to her house today. No luck, so he assumed I would be ok to do it.

He knows my issue. We need the money our daughter will be paying him to make it through the rest of the month, so I agreed to try. Couldn't do it, just the thought of it, and Im bed with a migraine from hell.

He's asked what I need from him to start healing. I've told him. I think I clearly say what I need, he always has a different take on it. Watching him these past few months, at times he seems slow. Like he needs more time to react, to put things together. In a nut shell, he seems genuinely confused.

After living with an alcoholic for almost 2 decades, I'm having a hard time believing he's that confused, and not just giving as little as he can get away with because he's still being selfish. Go ahead and corect me if I'm wrong. And tell me how low I should be setting my expectation bar. What should I be doing or not doing?
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Old 03-16-2018, 12:15 PM
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This is pretty normal Wamama - it takes a long time in early recovery for the brain to start functioning "normally" again.

It's INCREDIBLY frustrating on this side of the street, but it's legit bio-neuro-issues in most cases.

He's been saturating his body in alcohol for years, right? That kind of damage doesn't reverse in a few weeks - for some there are permanent changes as a result of aging + the abuses of their addictions.

I'd keep my expectations very, very low.
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Old 03-16-2018, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
He's asked what I need from him to start healing. I've told him. I think I clearly say what I need, he always has a different take on it. Watching him these past few months, at times he seems slow. Like he needs more time to react, to put things together. In a nut shell, he seems genuinely confused.
Sorry you are having such a hard time, hope the migraine eases up really quickly.

Truthfully it could be either, could be selfish, could be genuine misunderstanding.

You mentioned in your post a couple of months ago that when he got sober it seemed like you were dealing with a teenager.

After so many years of using alcohol to cope, to numb feelings etc etc he might just be genuinely confused.

The truth is, he can't help you right now. He is obviously not "getting it" for whatever reason. You asked him to move in with family for a while and he hasn't. You have explained to him that you can't do the long drive thing with him, yet he asks or assumes you will.

Whether that's from misunderstanding, selfishness or him just wanting things to carry on as normal because that is what he would like, the end result is you laying in bed with a migraine.

What can you do to change that.
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Old 03-16-2018, 12:45 PM
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I don't know what I can do to change it! How do I lower my expectations? Do I just ignore him except to take him to meetings? Do I treat him like an acquaintance, keeping it to small talk? Do I just pretend were not married?

I'm working on me. My first counseling appt is Tuesday. I NEED to wrap my mind around having low expectations. I only work one day a week, we need that money, but I'm missing work because of all of these migraines. He missed out on money we need because of his issues and mine. You guys are great at helping, just tell me how to do this and Ill do it.
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Sorry you are having such a hard time, hope the migraine eases up really quickly.

Truthfully it could be either, could be selfish, could be genuine misunderstanding.

You mentioned in your post a couple of months ago that when he got sober it seemed like you were dealing with a teenager.

After so many years of using alcohol to cope, to numb feelings etc etc he might just be genuinely confused.

The truth is, he can't help you right now. He is obviously not "getting it" for whatever reason. You asked him to move in with family for a while and he hasn't. You have explained to him that you can't do the long drive thing with him, yet he asks or assumes you will.

Whether that's from misunderstanding, selfishness or him just wanting things to carry on as normal because that is what he would like, the end result is you laying in bed with a migraine.

What can you do to change that.
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Old 03-16-2018, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
He missed out on money we need because of his issues and mine.
I wish there was a "to-do" protocol to make this stuff easier but there isn't.

In reality here's how I would play this in my mind - he accepts the offer for work/money & I ....... don't expect to see that money until it's in my hand. Instead of freaking out mentally, I get used to the idea that the money may not arrive & work on what I'm going to do about it. If it appears, awesome. If not - hopefully I either have a Plan B or at least acceptance that I couldn't control it no matter what.

No expectations. Yes, it sucks.
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Old 03-16-2018, 01:13 PM
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Agree with FireSprite completely. You are used, to some degree, to having someone else in this relationship that you can count on, that genuinely might be pleasant and kind sometimes etc etc, I know he's not a monster.

Now all of a sudden you are supposed to maybe discuss if the electricity bill has been paid this month? A couple of months ago you were a "couple" now what??

It's definitely not easy. The approach FireSprite describes above probably goes against everything you have experienced in this relationship up until now, now you are supposed to just let it be a passing thought that it would be nice if that work came through?

Unfortunately, that's the only way. Not to say you will always have to be that detached, but for now, what other choice do you have. The upside is it will free you.

Easy for us to say as we aren't depending on him earning that money right? Absolutely. Should he be on a bus or hitchhiking or calling a friend or whatever he needs to do to get there. Yes he should, but again, not your problem per se. Let him work that out.
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Old 03-16-2018, 01:17 PM
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Ok that makes sense. Hope for the best but expect the worst. As far as asking me what I need, then only half giving it, do the same? Very, very hard to do. I'd say impossible. I know I should be more compassionate, but I'm hurt that once again, alcohol steals everything away.
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I wish there was a "to-do" protocol to make this stuff easier but there isn't.

In reality here's how I would play this in my mind - he accepts the offer for work/money & I ....... don't expect to see that money until it's in my hand. Instead of freaking out mentally, I get used to the idea that the money may not arrive & work on what I'm going to do about it. If it appears, awesome. If not - hopefully I either have a Plan B or at least acceptance that I couldn't control it no matter what.

No expectations. Yes, it sucks.
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Old 03-16-2018, 01:18 PM
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My RABF has been sober for 8 months and during this time I have learnt to not have expectations from the hard way. To this day, he still lies about the little stuff, and is still lost. I have waited for him to value our relationship and do things right, but I know he is not ready. I have expressed my frustrations to him many many times, and I know he truly wants things to be right, but he is not there yet.
You need to focus on yourself and try not to be too caught up in his "selfishness" or confusion. Miscommunication is likely as he is going through the rough stages in early recovery.
I wish there was another way and our addicts could just be functioning normal beings the second they get sober. But unfortunately, it takes a long time.
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Old 03-16-2018, 03:10 PM
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Ok that makes sense. Hope for the best but expect the worst. As far as asking me what I need, then only half giving it, do the same? Very, very hard to do. I'd say impossible. I know I should be more compassionate, but I'm hurt that once again, alcohol steals everything away.
Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I wish there was a "to-do" protocol to make this stuff easier but there isn't.

In reality here's how I would play this in my mind - he accepts the offer for work/money & I ....... don't expect to see that money until it's in my hand. Instead of freaking out mentally, I get used to the idea that the money may not arrive & work on what I'm going to do about it. If it appears, awesome. If not - hopefully I either have a Plan B or at least acceptance that I couldn't control it no matter what.

No expectations. Yes, it sucks.
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Old 03-16-2018, 04:00 PM
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Can you work more?
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Old 03-16-2018, 04:00 PM
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Alcoholism-the biggest gift you ever received, but never wanted, that keeps on giving. Boy am I bitter today. 😡
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:02 PM
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Could be this is a good as it will ever get. My exah has wet brain from pickling it for years and he is always confused and completely unable to retain any conversation or remember anything he promises to do. Sometimes he uses it as an excuse cos he cba. He's selfish. He was selfish drunk and he's selfish in rehab. He just is. He has no understanding of how he effects people around him and he only does anything that suits him. He's completely and utterly unreliable. Sometimes we blame alcohol for the way they are and find out to our horror when they stop drinking that actually they ain't that nice anyway.

You said on another thread your boat is sinking. Me being an old sea dog would suggest you find a life raft asap and get out the sinking boat and do what you need to do to make your own life better. Your husband is never going to be what you want. Only you know how much you can put up with and for how long.
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:24 PM
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I find that if I can keep my expectations low, lower, lowest with the addict in my life, I can often sidestep anger and resentment.
It’s tough, though.
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:27 PM
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Wamama...I am wondering the same question that Clover asked....
Would you consider working more days? Even if you take on a second job...or. whatever....even it is not exactly what you want, right now...
Working more, out of the house, might, actually be somewhat therapeutic, for you. first of all...it would be more time away from him, physically....and, it would give you some distraction and some concrete structure---which would help you feel more in control and reduce the frequence of those panic feelings.
The more you feel in control of your own self and independent from him...I think, the better you will feel.
The more you feel in control of you...the less controlled and helpless in regard to him.
I think it is important to know and accept that it takes a longer time than 21/2
months for the brain to clear up....exactly as firesprite explains in her first post on this thread.....
I worked with newly recovering alcoholics for several years....and it is just as firesprite says, in my observations....Of course, each individual is different in how soon or how much they will eventually recover....depending on age, how young they started drinking, how much/heavy they drank, what is their basic health..at baseline, how good their health habits are, what medications or chronic ailments they might have, need to be factored in...
On top of that...their basic personality and attitudes factor in.....so, it can be a real missed bag...and it usually takes months to a few years to know what their optimum functioning can be....
And...all of this presumes that they work diligently on their program of recovery....
Every person is an individual, at bottom line...so , that means that the future can be anywhere on the spectrum of recovery...from hopeful to very grim....

If you could look inside of his head, right now...I'll bet it looks like the inside of a Waring Blender...lol......
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Old 03-16-2018, 07:42 PM
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My husband has been sober and not working a program. I find he is very selfish and manipulative. I also find that he is confused and slow about routine tasks unless they're so engrained in him. I do think he has a hard time processing and recalling details.

I am wondering what you are doing for yourself? He might be noticing your behavior. What helped me is to get so involved in me that his behavior doesn't bother me as much. Today he acted like a young child.
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Old 03-17-2018, 08:50 PM
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We had a very long talk last night. He told me he feels like he's in survival mode. Like he has to just shut down for survival. And that he has no idea what to do with all the emotions that keep coming up.

He's not sure how to deal with any emotion at all, and he's confused. He's never has been without alcohol since he was 16. He's 53 now. He's got a long, long road ahead of him.

Yes, I'm trying to find something to keep my mind busy. I have found that helps a lot! I really LOVE big dogs, and I love training dogs. I have a 4 year old Mastiff right now, she has helped me through the past six months. A dear friend has offered to give me one of her Mastiff puppies. She could sell her for $1,800, but she wants me to have her.

It would keep me and my 12 yo busy training and raising her, its something I love. I'm willing to give up my smart phone and use an old phone instead, then we have money for dog food. So we don't lose any money. We don't gain anything, but we don't lose either.

He says we don't have the money. I said we came up with $200-$300 every month for your beer for years. One more strike to add to my resentment. I am also looking into making extra money helping elderly people shop or go to doctors appts. I'm just looking for anything at all to help me find some happiness. He can't help me, he can't make me happy, so I'm on a quest to help myself.
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
I find that if I can keep my expectations low, lower, lowest with the addict in my life, I can often sidestep anger and resentment.
It’s tough, though.
I have to ask; why would you,me or anyone put up with that 'level' of a relationship?
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:59 PM
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I think it is used as a temporary way to save your sanity. Sometimes people, especially women, don't have a way to get out of the relationship. Sometimes they need to save up money, or need some time for their plan to come together. This is a means of mental survival until you can get out.


Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
I have to ask; why would you,me or anyone put up with that 'level' of a relationship?
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Old 03-17-2018, 10:05 PM
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ETA he has never told me "no" I can't do something. He knows I am stubborn, and if I make up my mind to do it, nothing will stop me. That is how he knew I was serious when I told him to quit drinking or Im done. And if he were to tell me I can't do something, Id do it even more just because he told me not to. Childish? Yes. I never claimed to be perfect. That not so good trait has helped me through a lot of hard times and helps me stand up for myself.


Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
We had a very long talk last night. He told me he feels like he's in survival mode. Like he has to just shut down for survival. And that he has no idea what to do with all the emotions that keep coming up.

He's not sure how to deal with any emotion at all, and he's confused. He's never has been without alcohol since he was 16. He's 53 now. He's got a long, long road ahead of him.

Yes, I'm trying to find something to keep my mind busy. I have found that helps a lot! I really LOVE big dogs, and I love training dogs. I have a 4 year old Mastiff right now, she has helped me through the past six months. A dear friend has offered to give me one of her Mastiff puppies. She could sell her for $1,800, but she wants me to have her.

It would keep me and my 12 yo busy training and raising her, its something I love. I'm willing to give up my smart phone and use an old phone instead, then we have money for dog food. So we don't lose any money. We don't gain anything, but we don't lose either.

He says we don't have the money. I said we came up with $200-$300 every month for your beer for years. One more strike to add to my resentment. I am also looking into making extra money helping elderly people shop or go to doctors appts. I'm just looking for anything at all to help me find some happiness. He can't help me, he can't make me happy, so I'm on a quest to help myself.
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Old 03-17-2018, 10:54 PM
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You're moving into positive attitude mode while still in the middle of a difficult situation! A puppy is fun, but, of course a lot of responsibility. Have you been with your husband since his teens? Throughout his drinking years? Is he working/able to work? Is he improving at all? I wish you well, and agree with others that a new job for you would work wonders for your confidence and your finances. Have you thought about what opportunities there might be out there for you?
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