This next step is REALLY hard
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
This next step is REALLY hard
So my husband & I have been married for 12 years, he has been drinking for the past 7 & we have been in a roommate stage for the past 6 months. This new year he agreed to go to counselor we saw before who specializes in alcohol & start working on him & in time we could start working on us. After 3 counseling sessions that he did not come to, the counseling turned into counseling for just me. My husband is a very functioning alcoholic who is a hard worker & never misses work, rarely would anyone notice he drinks for he does not slur or stumble but over the course of every day he drinks at least 12 beers & costs us about $400/month. He is a lone drinker so does not go out with friends or sit at a bar, he hides in our yard or drinks in his car. He has stayed consistent with his drinking for the past 7 years but in that time there have been a few times it was very noticeable he drank too much & there have been a handful of times where I was concerned he was with our son who is now 8. Over the past 2 years I have come to realize I do not want alcohol in my life, not like this. In the last month or so I have come to realize that me staying with him is just keeping him in the addiction with a roof over his head, $, food & his family around. The other day I told him we are at a point where we have 2 choices: he quits & we get counseling & take the time to work on all of this or we work on what separation looks like. He talked about going back to the state he is from where people are there who care about him. I told him I was sad that he did not see me as someone who cared. His family has no idea what we have gone through all these years & so I said I know all about you & us & I am still here, maybe not in the way either of us wish I was here but still here. He always starts by telling me he knows the work he needs to do & he struggles every day with not wanting to drink but he is so quick to move into the excuses. That I have not been a wife in a long time, that we have no intimacy (we have zero connection right now), he blames me & says I gave up on him & when he felt he had time to quit, I was not there for him. He says he cannot quit without my support but his support is me being in his recovery & always there for me & I told him that is not the kind of support I can offer for it is not healthy. So in the end again I hear nothing but excuses. Everyone says you will know when you are ready. I am ready but what I have shared with my counselor is I struggle being the person that says sorry I cannot do this anymore. I struggle with giving up on him & us. I also struggle with the fact that in his heart he truly believes this is my fault. I get his brain does not work like mine because of alcohol. keep reminding myself that if he does not want to get better, there is little I can do. I know I cannot make him but it breaks my heart that he is willing to lose our marriage. It is also so hard to let go of what you had hoped life would be like. I just know I cannot go back to ignoring it for I did that for years & even when life was good & we had intimacy etc. he still did not quit. I know separation is what is best, even if just to breathe & have some clarity but it is so hard to do. How do I move to that next step & for once put myself first?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not really GIVING UP on anyone.....it's accepting the WHAT IS of it all and the parties involved.
he could quit RIGHT NOW at this moment. without you. that commitment would come from inside him, with a desire to CHANGE. if you were the magic fix to his problems, then why is he still drinking? why aren't you waving your wand and sprinkling your magic dust? ?? because it DOES NOT EXIST.
you are not the problem and you are NOT the solution.
since he is unwilling to change, he has to find somehow to shuttle the onus of that decision.....so he blames you. cuz you are handy. if you weren't there, someone or something else WOULD BE. the boss, the neighbor, the government, his uncle barney, the economy, the easter bunny.
if only love or sex cured addiction.
you offered him the option:
he quits & we get counseling & take the time to work on all of this or we work on what separation looks like.
he's unwilling to choose the option that includes NOT drinking.
he could quit RIGHT NOW at this moment. without you. that commitment would come from inside him, with a desire to CHANGE. if you were the magic fix to his problems, then why is he still drinking? why aren't you waving your wand and sprinkling your magic dust? ?? because it DOES NOT EXIST.
you are not the problem and you are NOT the solution.
since he is unwilling to change, he has to find somehow to shuttle the onus of that decision.....so he blames you. cuz you are handy. if you weren't there, someone or something else WOULD BE. the boss, the neighbor, the government, his uncle barney, the economy, the easter bunny.
if only love or sex cured addiction.
you offered him the option:
he quits & we get counseling & take the time to work on all of this or we work on what separation looks like.
he's unwilling to choose the option that includes NOT drinking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy....sounds like he is u sing the standard operating procedure that is set out in the alcoholic's manual....
Blame...projecting blame on everyone/everything else,,,except himself.
Denial
Rationalization
Lying ...about everything...
He isn't ready to face what giving up alcohol would mean....and, as you already know...if he isn't rea dy...you can't control that.
The issues that you describe, sound, to me, like they are issues of your own---like issues of your own self image and ego...laced with some fear....
Like fear of having to wear a "black hat". could it be that the message that you have received and believed in...that a good wife never "gives up" on her husband/marriage...no matter what. That...you can be strong enough to weather anything and provide enough love and support that your husband will want to walk into the light. Or, perhaps the fear and loss of face to your families and others that you might have "made a mistake"....Or, maybe, you need the validation of him seeing things the way you do...(that is not going to happen).....
I am just spitballing , here....
I am wondering if you are getting enough support to work through these issue....or given yourself the permission to grieve the reality that he is not ready to stop drinking....You do have to grieve, you know...
I hope that you do see the counselor for yourself...as most counselors will not see a couple until the drinking is out of the picture for a certain amount of time.
I hope that you are reading ALL of the articles in our extensive library...(the link I gave you, back in September)...reading one every day with your coffee will give you a daily infusion of strength...for yourself....
Face to face support from a group (in addition to counselor)..like alanon or CODA, is invaluable...jut invaluable....
Like Anvil said...Letting go is not the same as "giving up"....
Remember..when he says a lot of that stuff...he doesn't know what he doesn't know....not yet, anyway.
The important thing is that YOU know what you need to know. You will have to accept the reality that he is not looking at life through the same filter that you are..... He will not be on the same page as you...He can't. He is still at the mercy of that alcoholic voice, in his head...that speaks to him 24/7. He is an alcoholic and he has alcoholic thinking. for you to expect anything more from him, right now is unrealistic. You can't ask a fish not to swim...or, a bird not to sing....or, an alcoholic, who is not ready, not to drink. He is not drinking at you. He just drinks because that is what alcoholics do.....
Lol...I see that, in one of my posts, in one of your prior threads,, that, I suggested that you need to grow a thicker rhino skin........lol....
Blame...projecting blame on everyone/everything else,,,except himself.
Denial
Rationalization
Lying ...about everything...
He isn't ready to face what giving up alcohol would mean....and, as you already know...if he isn't rea dy...you can't control that.
The issues that you describe, sound, to me, like they are issues of your own---like issues of your own self image and ego...laced with some fear....
Like fear of having to wear a "black hat". could it be that the message that you have received and believed in...that a good wife never "gives up" on her husband/marriage...no matter what. That...you can be strong enough to weather anything and provide enough love and support that your husband will want to walk into the light. Or, perhaps the fear and loss of face to your families and others that you might have "made a mistake"....Or, maybe, you need the validation of him seeing things the way you do...(that is not going to happen).....
I am just spitballing , here....
I am wondering if you are getting enough support to work through these issue....or given yourself the permission to grieve the reality that he is not ready to stop drinking....You do have to grieve, you know...
I hope that you do see the counselor for yourself...as most counselors will not see a couple until the drinking is out of the picture for a certain amount of time.
I hope that you are reading ALL of the articles in our extensive library...(the link I gave you, back in September)...reading one every day with your coffee will give you a daily infusion of strength...for yourself....
Face to face support from a group (in addition to counselor)..like alanon or CODA, is invaluable...jut invaluable....
Like Anvil said...Letting go is not the same as "giving up"....
Remember..when he says a lot of that stuff...he doesn't know what he doesn't know....not yet, anyway.
The important thing is that YOU know what you need to know. You will have to accept the reality that he is not looking at life through the same filter that you are..... He will not be on the same page as you...He can't. He is still at the mercy of that alcoholic voice, in his head...that speaks to him 24/7. He is an alcoholic and he has alcoholic thinking. for you to expect anything more from him, right now is unrealistic. You can't ask a fish not to swim...or, a bird not to sing....or, an alcoholic, who is not ready, not to drink. He is not drinking at you. He just drinks because that is what alcoholics do.....
Lol...I see that, in one of my posts, in one of your prior threads,, that, I suggested that you need to grow a thicker rhino skin........lol....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Stacy
I am so sorry to read your story.
You have given hm an ultimatum which shows a strength of character on your part. So many of us never found that strength for a very long time.
I’m not sure I ever did either. My ex did not want to be with a non drinker so that was the end of us. I probably would still be there enabling today if he had allowed me back in.
I hope we can be a good support to you during this difficult time.
I am so sorry to read your story.
You have given hm an ultimatum which shows a strength of character on your part. So many of us never found that strength for a very long time.
I’m not sure I ever did either. My ex did not want to be with a non drinker so that was the end of us. I probably would still be there enabling today if he had allowed me back in.
I hope we can be a good support to you during this difficult time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
[QUOTE
Lol...I see that, in one of my posts, in one of your prior threads,, that, I suggested that you need to grow a thicker rhino skin........lol....[/QUOTE]
I am all about brutal honesty if necessary!
My last counseling session we said my next session would be more focused on just me & not my marriage. Nobody goes into marriage thinking I hope I get divorced one day. I am a huge advocate of marriage & realistic that it is hard & takes work. It makes me sad how high the divorce rate is BUT I would not stay in a marriage because I want my status to be "married" but I do want to make sure I have expressed all resources before going down that path & I feel I have. I want a healthy marriage that we grow each other & we grow together & unfortunately alcohol does not allow that. I try to remind myself daily he does not see things through the same filter as I do & I feel so strong most of the time but man his words can get me self doubting. I have to remind myself as you & Anvil said that I am not giving up, I am letting go. I also have to remind myself what I tell my husband that to quit drinking, to go to counseling, to change is hard & messy but worth it & so I have to remind myself change is hard & yes there will be the steps of grief & remind myself nothing changes if nothing changes. I will also start reading on here more! Thanks everyone!
Lol...I see that, in one of my posts, in one of your prior threads,, that, I suggested that you need to grow a thicker rhino skin........lol....[/QUOTE]
I am all about brutal honesty if necessary!
My last counseling session we said my next session would be more focused on just me & not my marriage. Nobody goes into marriage thinking I hope I get divorced one day. I am a huge advocate of marriage & realistic that it is hard & takes work. It makes me sad how high the divorce rate is BUT I would not stay in a marriage because I want my status to be "married" but I do want to make sure I have expressed all resources before going down that path & I feel I have. I want a healthy marriage that we grow each other & we grow together & unfortunately alcohol does not allow that. I try to remind myself daily he does not see things through the same filter as I do & I feel so strong most of the time but man his words can get me self doubting. I have to remind myself as you & Anvil said that I am not giving up, I am letting go. I also have to remind myself what I tell my husband that to quit drinking, to go to counseling, to change is hard & messy but worth it & so I have to remind myself change is hard & yes there will be the steps of grief & remind myself nothing changes if nothing changes. I will also start reading on here more! Thanks everyone!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Stacy...I hope that you will find a support group...face to face....you have no idea how much easier this road is to walk, if you have that kind of support.
Group support has a certain power, in itself....We are such social creatures, and we need other human support (lots of it), during our times of difficulty...
Group support has a certain power, in itself....We are such social creatures, and we need other human support (lots of it), during our times of difficulty...
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