Is my gf an alcoholic????
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Is my gf an alcoholic????
New to site, just wanted some opinions on some behaviors I’ve noticed with my gf over the past year. I know she drinks a lot, but I’m getting concerned that it may be a much bigger issue in her life that’s im aware.
She has mentioned going to a treatment facility to “get healthy” but strongly denies its because of alcohol
Has said she wants to take a break from drinking, but never goes longer than a day or two
Has told me she sometimes puts vodka in a bottle of a cold coffee drink in the morning
I once found a bottle of empty pints of cheap vodka in the backseat of her car. That made me very suspicious, because who does that??? Just doesn’t at all seem normal
We only see each other once a week or every two weeks, because I’m thinking she’s trying to hide it from me, but claims that she’s working all the time
She told me an alcoholic friend of hers said to drink vodka because you can’t smell it on your breath. I’m not sure why she even brought that up to me. That was brought up the same night as the treatment center. Maybe it’s a cry for help??
She’s almost in kidney failure, her doctor has told her repeatedly to stop drinking, but she doesn’t. She knows she needs to and has told me what the doctor has told her. She’s only 51.
When I do see her, she seems very normal, and I want so badly to believe that there is nothing wrong because I love her. But I can’t help but to think something is very wrong. How do I bring it up? She comes from a family of alcoholics and has made statements recognizing that she drinks too much, but has been very sure to say she is not an alcoholic tho. I feel like that’s just her denial. She also has never invited me to her house. That could be due to a number of things, but is it common for alcoholics to hide certain parts of their lives, like their home?
She has mentioned going to a treatment facility to “get healthy” but strongly denies its because of alcohol
Has said she wants to take a break from drinking, but never goes longer than a day or two
Has told me she sometimes puts vodka in a bottle of a cold coffee drink in the morning
I once found a bottle of empty pints of cheap vodka in the backseat of her car. That made me very suspicious, because who does that??? Just doesn’t at all seem normal
We only see each other once a week or every two weeks, because I’m thinking she’s trying to hide it from me, but claims that she’s working all the time
She told me an alcoholic friend of hers said to drink vodka because you can’t smell it on your breath. I’m not sure why she even brought that up to me. That was brought up the same night as the treatment center. Maybe it’s a cry for help??
She’s almost in kidney failure, her doctor has told her repeatedly to stop drinking, but she doesn’t. She knows she needs to and has told me what the doctor has told her. She’s only 51.
When I do see her, she seems very normal, and I want so badly to believe that there is nothing wrong because I love her. But I can’t help but to think something is very wrong. How do I bring it up? She comes from a family of alcoholics and has made statements recognizing that she drinks too much, but has been very sure to say she is not an alcoholic tho. I feel like that’s just her denial. She also has never invited me to her house. That could be due to a number of things, but is it common for alcoholics to hide certain parts of their lives, like their home?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Tons of red flags.
In terms of progression, and active alcoholism always progresses,
it sounds like she is pretty advanced in her addiction.
Whatever label you put on it it clearly is negatively impacting her life.
I think being honest with her is best, and let her know where you stand
in terms of having a relationship with an active drinker.
Thing is, unless she wants to quit there is nothing you can do to get her to stop.
However, you can control your own life and I think educating yourself on what
it means to be involved with a late-stage drinker is something you should do
before getting deeper into the relationship.
It isn't pretty, unfortunately, and you could be pulled down with her.
In terms of progression, and active alcoholism always progresses,
it sounds like she is pretty advanced in her addiction.
Whatever label you put on it it clearly is negatively impacting her life.
I think being honest with her is best, and let her know where you stand
in terms of having a relationship with an active drinker.
Thing is, unless she wants to quit there is nothing you can do to get her to stop.
However, you can control your own life and I think educating yourself on what
it means to be involved with a late-stage drinker is something you should do
before getting deeper into the relationship.
It isn't pretty, unfortunately, and you could be pulled down with her.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Hello. I would agree with Hawkeye13, tons of red flags. After reading numbers of posts on here over the 10 weeks I have been sober - if you think there's a problem, probability would suggest you're right!
So what do you do?. Well my wonderful wonderful partner sent me a text after a heavy night on the wine basically saying that yes, he loved me, however if I continued to drink in the way I was , well, he would have to think about his own future and our lives together. And my response to that text? I carried on drinking and sent him a text back saying "If he was asking me to say that I would never have another drink again then I couldn't promise I wouldn't do that. Then I went to the shops and bought 2 bottles of wine which I drank guilt free....and so on for probably another 3 months. Just to put my age into your context I am 52 he is 43). On the morning of the 4th January 2018 I woke up with yet another horrendous hangover. Another wasted day. Mortified about the drunken texts I had sent to people. Not able to remember the night before, the TV programs I had watched, cravings for food that was just rubbish in my system and I laid in bed and thought "Enough now". He came into the bedroom that morning and I said I am not going to drink again. He said Oh really...I've heard that before , many time. The difference was this time - i meant it. Now I cant say to you that your girlfriend won't respond if you sit down and raise the subject of her drinking. Maybe you go to an AA meeting and meet some like minded people who might be able to help you (and her). But one thing i do feel pretty sure about is this. The person who is drinking has to be the one who wants to stop. End of. And if she doesnt there is nothing you can say that is going to make any difference and you must be careful that you aren't collateral damage from her drinking. I have read so many such sad accounts of lives lived with an alcoholic on here that I thank my lucky stars I got sober and my wonderful man didnt walk away before I saw the light.
All the best
So what do you do?. Well my wonderful wonderful partner sent me a text after a heavy night on the wine basically saying that yes, he loved me, however if I continued to drink in the way I was , well, he would have to think about his own future and our lives together. And my response to that text? I carried on drinking and sent him a text back saying "If he was asking me to say that I would never have another drink again then I couldn't promise I wouldn't do that. Then I went to the shops and bought 2 bottles of wine which I drank guilt free....and so on for probably another 3 months. Just to put my age into your context I am 52 he is 43). On the morning of the 4th January 2018 I woke up with yet another horrendous hangover. Another wasted day. Mortified about the drunken texts I had sent to people. Not able to remember the night before, the TV programs I had watched, cravings for food that was just rubbish in my system and I laid in bed and thought "Enough now". He came into the bedroom that morning and I said I am not going to drink again. He said Oh really...I've heard that before , many time. The difference was this time - i meant it. Now I cant say to you that your girlfriend won't respond if you sit down and raise the subject of her drinking. Maybe you go to an AA meeting and meet some like minded people who might be able to help you (and her). But one thing i do feel pretty sure about is this. The person who is drinking has to be the one who wants to stop. End of. And if she doesnt there is nothing you can say that is going to make any difference and you must be careful that you aren't collateral damage from her drinking. I have read so many such sad accounts of lives lived with an alcoholic on here that I thank my lucky stars I got sober and my wonderful man didnt walk away before I saw the light.
All the best
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,714
I think you really know the answer to your question. Please do not be in denial. She clearly has a drinking problem that has been going on for a long time. You might think you love her but she will never love you more than she loves her alcohol. You will experience alot of heartbreak from an alcoholic. There isn't anything you can do unless they want to get clean and sober. I wish you well. Please consider attending an al-anon meeting for support and information. It will help you to better understand how alcoholics function. It may help you protect yourself from becoming an enablier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
It’s so hard because Love the amazing qualities she has, she really is one of the most caring, compassionate people I know. But then I wonder if I even know her at all??? She has said she wants to get married, that she loves me and sees a future with me. I wonder sometimes if she has an idea of what she would like her life to be and almost like she pretends to be someone else. I know she’s in denial about her problem, and just tells me the things she wants her life to be like. Is that where the heartache of being involved with an alcoholic comes in?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Your eyes see what your eyes see and your ears hear what your ears hear. Lots and lots of red flag and as someone around here said – red flags are not party favors you don’t collect them!
Alcoholics can become very good at hiding their drinking and attempting to appear “normal” for periods of time. Seeing her as limited as you do is limiting the full truth from blooming.
Is this a fairly new relationship for you?
We only see each other once a week or every two weeks, because I’m thinking she’s trying to hide it from me, but claims that she’s working all the time
When I do see her, she seems very normal, and I want so badly to believe that there is nothing wrong because I love her.
When I do see her, she seems very normal, and I want so badly to believe that there is nothing wrong because I love her.
Is this a fairly new relationship for you?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It’s so hard because Love the amazing qualities she has, she really is one of the most caring, compassionate people I know. But then I wonder if I even know her at all??? She has said she wants to get married, that she loves me and sees a future with me.
We all love our A loved ones! They are (mostly) terrific people from the time before their addiction took over. If their former awesomeness and love could cure them none of us would be here!
I know she’s in denial about her problem, and just tells me the things she wants her life to be like. Is that where the heartache of being involved with an alcoholic comes in?
Oh geeeez, the heartache comes in so many ways. It comes when they let you down, and you watch them letting themselves down, letting people they care about down, over and over and over again.
It comes when you realize they are lying to you, right to your face, and you think so much better of them than that, and the gap between their behavior and your idealized version of them gets wide and painful.
It comes when their health and intelligence starts to deteriorate, and you think, "Can't they see? Why won't they stop? " And they do not stop, they keep drinking.
It comes alongside many scares, DUIs, disappearances, hospitalizations.
I find heartbreaking watching the huge effort that my A loved ones expend constantly to try and maintain this false public image, maintain relationships where nothing is genuine because of the drinking, hide bottles, receipts, whereabouts, all this desperate effort so that Team Alcohol gets the win. It's awful, exhausting, heart wrenching.
Not maintaining a front row seat to all that has helped me be healthy, sane, and free. Live and let live. I have a choice whether I want to engage with any of the insanity and deception. I've found it is healthier for me if I detach and love and support from a distance.
Peace,
B.
We all love our A loved ones! They are (mostly) terrific people from the time before their addiction took over. If their former awesomeness and love could cure them none of us would be here!
I know she’s in denial about her problem, and just tells me the things she wants her life to be like. Is that where the heartache of being involved with an alcoholic comes in?
Oh geeeez, the heartache comes in so many ways. It comes when they let you down, and you watch them letting themselves down, letting people they care about down, over and over and over again.
It comes when you realize they are lying to you, right to your face, and you think so much better of them than that, and the gap between their behavior and your idealized version of them gets wide and painful.
It comes when their health and intelligence starts to deteriorate, and you think, "Can't they see? Why won't they stop? " And they do not stop, they keep drinking.
It comes alongside many scares, DUIs, disappearances, hospitalizations.
I find heartbreaking watching the huge effort that my A loved ones expend constantly to try and maintain this false public image, maintain relationships where nothing is genuine because of the drinking, hide bottles, receipts, whereabouts, all this desperate effort so that Team Alcohol gets the win. It's awful, exhausting, heart wrenching.
Not maintaining a front row seat to all that has helped me be healthy, sane, and free. Live and let live. I have a choice whether I want to engage with any of the insanity and deception. I've found it is healthier for me if I detach and love and support from a distance.
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
she also has never invited me to her house.
you have been dating this woman for a YEAR and have NEVER been to her home. you also only see her once every week or two.
i'd say beyond the obvious alcohol problem and medical issues, she's got other stuff going on that she does not want you to know about it. like a husband or a boyfriend, or some other set up.
i know you care, but the problems are plentiful and deep.
you have been dating this woman for a YEAR and have NEVER been to her home. you also only see her once every week or two.
i'd say beyond the obvious alcohol problem and medical issues, she's got other stuff going on that she does not want you to know about it. like a husband or a boyfriend, or some other set up.
i know you care, but the problems are plentiful and deep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
I am slowly trying to accept the reality of the situation. I just joined this site yesterday and am getting advice from people who have lived this situation, which is helpful. It hurts me so bad that she is so sick and I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to abandon her in a time of need. I’ve been convincing myself for the past 6 months that her problem isn’t as bad as I think...that I’m somehow exaggerating the situation. Because I swear when I see her, everything seems fine!! And that’s what makes me convince myself that it’s just me exaggerating things. Do most people here find that loved ones lie about not just the drinking, but a lot of areas in life? I beginning to notice little lies here and there that is making me question a lot of what she says
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
lying does accompany alcoholism/addiction a lot!!!
Minimization
Rationalization
Justification
or flat out Lie your ass off
it's tough when you start seeing the cracks in the veneer, but as was said before, you must trust what you see.
let me ask you this....if you were diagnosed with kidney failure, would YOU drink? would you even risk ONE? probably not, because that is the rational response.
however the alcoholic response is to DEFEND the drinking to death if need be. and more than one alcoholic has gone to their death hand still clutched firmly around the neck of the bottle.
it's good that you aren't living together or in each other's face every day...this gives you some space to really think this thru. keep reading. keep learning. and keep your eyes open!
Minimization
Rationalization
Justification
or flat out Lie your ass off
it's tough when you start seeing the cracks in the veneer, but as was said before, you must trust what you see.
let me ask you this....if you were diagnosed with kidney failure, would YOU drink? would you even risk ONE? probably not, because that is the rational response.
however the alcoholic response is to DEFEND the drinking to death if need be. and more than one alcoholic has gone to their death hand still clutched firmly around the neck of the bottle.
it's good that you aren't living together or in each other's face every day...this gives you some space to really think this thru. keep reading. keep learning. and keep your eyes open!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Yes our addicts lie. Mine lied about big important things but also about small silly things. I knew she lied however I rarely called her out on the lies.
For me there came a point in time where the lying made my head spin. As I thought back on certain events I did not know what part was truth or lies. The same became true every time I interacted with her. It was very confusing.
When I finally came to a mindset of not trusting what she was telling me - at that point the relationship was over. It didn't end there but it should have.
Dealing with lies are a major negative factor in trying to have a relationship with an addict.
Thanks
For me there came a point in time where the lying made my head spin. As I thought back on certain events I did not know what part was truth or lies. The same became true every time I interacted with her. It was very confusing.
When I finally came to a mindset of not trusting what she was telling me - at that point the relationship was over. It didn't end there but it should have.
Dealing with lies are a major negative factor in trying to have a relationship with an addict.
Thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
It’s like I’ve almost been driving myself crazy the past few months wondering if I’m seeing the situation clearly or not. As far as the kidney situation goes, she has told me what her kidney lab values were. I’m a nurse, so I’m very familiar with what certain lab values can tell you about how bad the kidneys are. If I saw the same numbers on a patient at work, as what she told me her baseline numbers are, I would assume that patient will be in kidney failure, requiring dialysis in the very near future. So I get it. I understand the number and the meanings, but why I’m the world do I insist that she is just fine? Like she will somehow miraculously recover and we will live a long happy life together. I mean these numbers are in black and white yet I refuse to accept it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You're in denial. Enablers are often in denial, I was.
It's weird the way she is telling you she has a problem, showing you she has a problem, and you just don't want to believe it. Empty vodka bottles in the back seat, that is huge. What do you get out of enabling her????
It's weird the way she is telling you she has a problem, showing you she has a problem, and you just don't want to believe it. Empty vodka bottles in the back seat, that is huge. What do you get out of enabling her????
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by Livingindenial 
It’s like I’ve almost been driving myself crazy the past few months wondering if I’m seeing the situation clearly or not. As far as the kidney situation goes, she has told me what her kidney lab values were. I’m a nurse, so I’m very familiar with what certain lab values can tell you about how bad the kidneys are. If I saw the same numbers on a patient at work, as what she told me her baseline numbers are, I would assume that patient will be in kidney failure, requiring dialysis in the very near future. So I get it. I understand the number and the meanings, but why I’m the world do I insist that she is just fine? Like she will somehow miraculously recover and we will live a long happy life together. I mean these numbers are in black and white yet I refuse to accept it.
The mind, as you probably already know, likes things to make sense.
You are seeing one thing and being told another. Sounds like your mind is having a hard time accepting that (understandable).
She says to you: I am not an alcoholic.
- She has a pile of empty vodka bottles in the back seat of her car
- You have been dating her for a year but have never been to the place where she lives
- She adds vodka to her morning iced coffee
- As a nurse, based on her lab results, you know she is headed for kidney failure
- She goes to some kind of vague "health" treatment.
- You see her rarely as she is always working.
Absolutely none of this makes any sense. Not one thing, so the fact that you are confused is not surprising. You have this person you care about looking you in the face saying "I am not an alcoholic" while showing all signs that point to alcoholism.
It's not you, you are not losing your marbles!
She has a problem with alcohol. Of that there is absolutely no question. You think mentioning treatment and that her friend told her to drink vodka as it won't smell could be a cry for help. I don't see that at all, she is probably just sharing little bits of information with you. She may well care about you, perhaps she is wondering if you will accept her AND her drinking? Total guess there, I just don't know.
How do you approach it? Personally I would bring it all out in the open, in a kind way, but why are you skirting around it? You have been in a relationship for quite a while. You could state you know she has a drinking problem and ask her to talk to you about it?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 25
I dated a sweet, generous, affectionate guy for 9 months without realizing he was an alcoholic. When he finally told me, I was stunned because for most of the relationship, he never seemed to drink all that much. But, they do hide their drinking...that’s classic. Once I started to read about alcoholics and alcoholism, I looked back and the signs were everywhere. And he said/told me many things that should have clued me in, but if something is not on your radar, it’s easy to miss. Your gf is displaying a lot of the classic signs.
I think our alcoholic SOs resist identifying as alcoholics for as long as they can. Drinking is so prevalent in our culture that now that I know more about alcoholism, I see many people who I would not have labeled alcoholics who are probably alcoholics even though they don’t admit it.
My former boyfriend finally recognized that his drinking had gotten out of control and started going to AA. He told me he had to take a break from the relationship. They have to take that step themselves. When/if your gf realizes it is a matter of life and death, hopefully she will make that decision, too. It will be rough for you going forward either way. Sounds like the kidney issue is very serious and I hope for both of your sakes she soon recognizes that.
If she does take steps to stop drinking, especially if she goes to AA and heeds their advice, your relationship may need to be put on hold for quite a while. Also, people change in recovery and their is no guarantee the relationship will survive.
It is very loving of you to want to be there when she needs you, but please look out for your own health and well-being as well. I wish you both the best.
I think our alcoholic SOs resist identifying as alcoholics for as long as they can. Drinking is so prevalent in our culture that now that I know more about alcoholism, I see many people who I would not have labeled alcoholics who are probably alcoholics even though they don’t admit it.
My former boyfriend finally recognized that his drinking had gotten out of control and started going to AA. He told me he had to take a break from the relationship. They have to take that step themselves. When/if your gf realizes it is a matter of life and death, hopefully she will make that decision, too. It will be rough for you going forward either way. Sounds like the kidney issue is very serious and I hope for both of your sakes she soon recognizes that.
If she does take steps to stop drinking, especially if she goes to AA and heeds their advice, your relationship may need to be put on hold for quite a while. Also, people change in recovery and their is no guarantee the relationship will survive.
It is very loving of you to want to be there when she needs you, but please look out for your own health and well-being as well. I wish you both the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
She’s almost in kidney failure, her doctor has told her repeatedly to stop drinking, but she doesn’t. She knows she needs to and has told me what the doctor has told her. She’s only 51.
I am also in kidney failure not caused through drinking. My doctor does not ask me not to drink but commonsense tells me that pouring neat vodka into a compromised system is not going to improve my chances of living to old age. The fact she continues despite warnings is all the "proof" you need tbh.
However regardless of if she is or isn't her behaviour is clearly upsetting you. It seems she has kept you at arms length for over a year. You hardly know her. Have never been to her house and only see her sporadically. Not much of a relationship really. I'd err on the side you are being played. The likelihood is she lies to you at every turn cos active alcoholics do. The chances are you are not her only love interest is high. My exah wove a very complicated life around many lies and basically the deeper he dug the more he exposed his lies.
I think I would ask myself why I want to "be with her" and what she brings to my life that I think I need from her cos from what you are saying the answer to that is not much really.
she really is one of the most caring, compassionate people I know.
Is she? Cos nothing you have said about her suggests that. Maybe you just wish she was.
I am also in kidney failure not caused through drinking. My doctor does not ask me not to drink but commonsense tells me that pouring neat vodka into a compromised system is not going to improve my chances of living to old age. The fact she continues despite warnings is all the "proof" you need tbh.
However regardless of if she is or isn't her behaviour is clearly upsetting you. It seems she has kept you at arms length for over a year. You hardly know her. Have never been to her house and only see her sporadically. Not much of a relationship really. I'd err on the side you are being played. The likelihood is she lies to you at every turn cos active alcoholics do. The chances are you are not her only love interest is high. My exah wove a very complicated life around many lies and basically the deeper he dug the more he exposed his lies.
I think I would ask myself why I want to "be with her" and what she brings to my life that I think I need from her cos from what you are saying the answer to that is not much really.
she really is one of the most caring, compassionate people I know.
Is she? Cos nothing you have said about her suggests that. Maybe you just wish she was.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 13
Everything that is being said here makes so much sense...I think I just needed to hear it from people who have lived it. I’m very tempted to send the we need to talk text, but I’m so afraid of having that conversation. I’m trying to think of a way to bring it up without sounding harsh or judegemental. Any advice?
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