Interesting/ Useful Experience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
Interesting/ Useful Experience
Hello all, from day 10 of sobriety. I had an interesting experience yesterday, a little scary but I'm going to spin it into something positive and useful:
I had a bit of a tough day: although I don't normally have a temper I got really irritated with a member of the train staff on my way home (in my defense she treated me really rude...also, I was really grateful for these forums so I knew it was typical of going sober to be moody and angry so I stayed calm and just walked away). Then got home and partner was stressed and cranky. Just... not a great day.
I suppose I had my first pretty bad craving (I've been fairly lucky so far) and my AV started in: "Maybe you could have just one, to relax. Maybe you're not so bad, you've gone 9 days without mishap." I didn't have any in the house, but my mind was kind of working on maybe just having a bottle in for the future 'for tough nights' (wine is my DOC).
Later I was cleaning out my home office and I found a bottle of wine I had hidden at some point (so embarrassing that I used to do that--I had a vague sense that there was one bottle in my office somewhere still but I didn't know where--it was in my bottom drawer, so cliche!). It had about a half inch of wine in the bottom.
Now I wish I could tell you that I marched to the kitchen and poured it down the drain. But I didn't. The truth is, I had the cap off of that bottle so fast, and downed it. And if there had been more, I suspect I would have downed that too. (Yes, I drank but I'm not starting over on my days as it was literally one swallow. Judge me on that if you want but I'm not counting it.)
Disturbing and scary and embarrassing and shameful? Yes, yes, yes and yes. BUT, I'm trying to see it as also useful. I was starting to tell myself that maybe I could be a 'normal' drinker. In that moment, whipping the cap off of that bottle, I knew that I can't. Not now, not ever.
I had a bit of a tough day: although I don't normally have a temper I got really irritated with a member of the train staff on my way home (in my defense she treated me really rude...also, I was really grateful for these forums so I knew it was typical of going sober to be moody and angry so I stayed calm and just walked away). Then got home and partner was stressed and cranky. Just... not a great day.
I suppose I had my first pretty bad craving (I've been fairly lucky so far) and my AV started in: "Maybe you could have just one, to relax. Maybe you're not so bad, you've gone 9 days without mishap." I didn't have any in the house, but my mind was kind of working on maybe just having a bottle in for the future 'for tough nights' (wine is my DOC).
Later I was cleaning out my home office and I found a bottle of wine I had hidden at some point (so embarrassing that I used to do that--I had a vague sense that there was one bottle in my office somewhere still but I didn't know where--it was in my bottom drawer, so cliche!). It had about a half inch of wine in the bottom.
Now I wish I could tell you that I marched to the kitchen and poured it down the drain. But I didn't. The truth is, I had the cap off of that bottle so fast, and downed it. And if there had been more, I suspect I would have downed that too. (Yes, I drank but I'm not starting over on my days as it was literally one swallow. Judge me on that if you want but I'm not counting it.)
Disturbing and scary and embarrassing and shameful? Yes, yes, yes and yes. BUT, I'm trying to see it as also useful. I was starting to tell myself that maybe I could be a 'normal' drinker. In that moment, whipping the cap off of that bottle, I knew that I can't. Not now, not ever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
What was useful about this?
That your past self luckily and foolishly only saved a 1/2 inch of wine?
I don't get what you possibly learned besides the fact that you drank the very moment you had a chance to.
Sorry for the harshness of this post but I think all of what you wrote is your AV talking.
That your past self luckily and foolishly only saved a 1/2 inch of wine?
I don't get what you possibly learned besides the fact that you drank the very moment you had a chance to.
Sorry for the harshness of this post but I think all of what you wrote is your AV talking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
Lessgravity: Thanks so very much for your helpful response, asking me to articulate and explain! What is useful is that my AV was starting to try to tell me that I could perhaps drink normally. And in that moment I realised I couldn't (yet there was only a sip so I also couldn't relapse). It was, for me personally, a useful moment of realisation and reminder. Maybe it wouldn't work that way for someone else, but it did for me.
Donggonecarl: It's so kind of you to give me your thoughts. One of the amazing things about SR is how active people are and how willing they are to support each other. I do have a plan in place and it has helped me immensely--particularly last weekend when I was at the pub for two nights in a row for many hours with friends, or when I have gone grocery shopping and needed to walk past the 'devil aisle' as I heard someone else call it, ha! However, as the responses to that thread ('pre-empting') also pointed out, there are going to be situations you can't anticipate, and this was one of them. In which case you have to react in the moment and deal with the consequences, as I have done. I really appreciate your weighing in!
Thanks FreedomCA for saying I should restart my recovery date, but I'm not going to. I've already vaguely started losing track of just how many days it is anyway so it's not hugely significant to me--more just a matter of remembering that I feel better now than I did when I was drinking, and for me personally resetting to day 1 would do more damage to my motivation than benefit! Everyone is different though and I appreciate very much that you would do it differently and I respect that entirely!
Donggonecarl: It's so kind of you to give me your thoughts. One of the amazing things about SR is how active people are and how willing they are to support each other. I do have a plan in place and it has helped me immensely--particularly last weekend when I was at the pub for two nights in a row for many hours with friends, or when I have gone grocery shopping and needed to walk past the 'devil aisle' as I heard someone else call it, ha! However, as the responses to that thread ('pre-empting') also pointed out, there are going to be situations you can't anticipate, and this was one of them. In which case you have to react in the moment and deal with the consequences, as I have done. I really appreciate your weighing in!
Thanks FreedomCA for saying I should restart my recovery date, but I'm not going to. I've already vaguely started losing track of just how many days it is anyway so it's not hugely significant to me--more just a matter of remembering that I feel better now than I did when I was drinking, and for me personally resetting to day 1 would do more damage to my motivation than benefit! Everyone is different though and I appreciate very much that you would do it differently and I respect that entirely!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: North Georgia Mountains
Posts: 588
Sophie, I spent most of my adult life giving up drinking until each time I decided I could moderate. It was a vicious cycle that caused a lot of unpleasant moments. I have been successful this time only because I finally accepted that I cannot moderate my drinking, ever. Once you accept that simple fact, taking the first drink makes no sense whatsoever.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Originally Posted by Sophie11 
there was only a sip so I also couldn't relapse).
I'm not judging how you want to count days of sobriety, and I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery again. But I think it's crucial for you to understand that you did relapse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
Wow, you guys are so incredibly helpful and I don't know what I would do without your advice and judgment! Okay, I definitely accept that I relapsed and need to go back to day one and start counting fresh with hours and minutes. I am so appreciative to realise that what I really need to do, instead of looking for lessons and learning from this, is to spend some time really looking deep into my soul and I think it's probably best if I really, really beat myself up so that I appreciate just how horrendously awful a person I am when I drink so I'm sure not to do it again.
So: here I go on hour 16, wish me luck everyone! Starting over again after a major relapse, eek!!!!
So: here I go on hour 16, wish me luck everyone! Starting over again after a major relapse, eek!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Wow, I don't know where you saw people suggesting you beat yourself up.
As I said, I don't judge how you count days. People have different ideas about that, and some people stop counting days after a few months, while others continue to count for years. It's all whatever works for you.
And, it seems that some of us have a different definition of a relapse and I'm sorry you don't find that helpful.
As I said, I don't judge how you count days. People have different ideas about that, and some people stop counting days after a few months, while others continue to count for years. It's all whatever works for you.
And, it seems that some of us have a different definition of a relapse and I'm sorry you don't find that helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Soph - hard to read whether your responses are genuine or drenched in sarcasm.
Certainly do not think you deserve to be beat up in any way. I'm no saint, no sober guru and more than I can count have tried to put the bottle away and failed.
That said what I have found most instructive on this site has been the honesty. You deserve to take care of yourself as if you were someone who deserves to be taken care of. Hope you treat yourself with firm kindness today.
Keep posting. Stay strong.
No one is coming to save us.
Certainly do not think you deserve to be beat up in any way. I'm no saint, no sober guru and more than I can count have tried to put the bottle away and failed.
That said what I have found most instructive on this site has been the honesty. You deserve to take care of yourself as if you were someone who deserves to be taken care of. Hope you treat yourself with firm kindness today.
Keep posting. Stay strong.
No one is coming to save us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Hi,Sophie..It's your recovery. Count your days as you wish. I don't count days. I know at about the 6-8mo(?) mark, I was having some 'life' issues and was dead set on getting my drink on..not even in a trying to moderate way. Sure..I could have posted here before,but I didn't want to.. I was going to get wasted that night and the 'stage' was set perfectly. I got wasted,did some dumb stuff and came back here the next morning..That was my last 'drink' and i still say I'm a year+.. Whatever keeps you sober...do that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Sophie
I'll share something that happened to me about, I think, 2 months ago.
Without going into the detail of the back story, I found a 2/3 full bottle of apple vodka in my house. It was a shock on so many levels because not only was it a bottle of my drink of choice (without the apple part) but it was not mine. I was flabbergasted. I literally panicked. I felt like it was a bomb that was going to explode in my hand. I put it down, I picked it back up, I put it back where I found it, I took it back out, set it down, I picked it up, I smelled it (hey maybe its water?) I put it back down. My mind was racing. I ran down stairs, sat on the couch. Panicked, ran back upstairs, grabbed it and dumped it. Ran to the garage and threw the bottle out. That all happened in about 15 seconds so to say it was, um, frenetic would be an understatement.
Now there are many reasons that that situation was particularly weird for me....detail not necessary. But there wasn't a chance in he!! I was going to drink it. But it still felt so weird. I know, this has nothing to do with your story. I just thought I'd share because I didn't share when it happened.
Now contrasting story. I love Kombucha. The other day, by the beer section, I saw a new Kombucha...but this kombucha they were calling 'hard' kombucha....as it had about 5ish % alcohol. I walked over to it, I actually picked up the bottle, and my brain said 'wow I'd like to try that'. Yikes. Now that was weird because I entertained it and I haven't done that in a long time. I went to a meeting. I shared. I realized, while not a relapse, it was the closest I've come to really considering booze in a long time. I realized I had to step up my game.
Honesty is absolutely necessary for me to stay sober. What you guys think ultimately doesn't matter. But if I find myself reacting, um, inappropriately or disproportionately to people's posts here I know I need to really take pause. Stop and think "Why am I reacting that way? People here are simply expressing their experience and their opinions...."
I would invite you to re-read people's posts without any emotional involvement. And also shine a bit of light on why you reacted with such extreme sarcasm. In the end, if you're cool with what's happening internally for you, that's all that matters.
Hang in there.
I'll share something that happened to me about, I think, 2 months ago.
Without going into the detail of the back story, I found a 2/3 full bottle of apple vodka in my house. It was a shock on so many levels because not only was it a bottle of my drink of choice (without the apple part) but it was not mine. I was flabbergasted. I literally panicked. I felt like it was a bomb that was going to explode in my hand. I put it down, I picked it back up, I put it back where I found it, I took it back out, set it down, I picked it up, I smelled it (hey maybe its water?) I put it back down. My mind was racing. I ran down stairs, sat on the couch. Panicked, ran back upstairs, grabbed it and dumped it. Ran to the garage and threw the bottle out. That all happened in about 15 seconds so to say it was, um, frenetic would be an understatement.
Now there are many reasons that that situation was particularly weird for me....detail not necessary. But there wasn't a chance in he!! I was going to drink it. But it still felt so weird. I know, this has nothing to do with your story. I just thought I'd share because I didn't share when it happened.
Now contrasting story. I love Kombucha. The other day, by the beer section, I saw a new Kombucha...but this kombucha they were calling 'hard' kombucha....as it had about 5ish % alcohol. I walked over to it, I actually picked up the bottle, and my brain said 'wow I'd like to try that'. Yikes. Now that was weird because I entertained it and I haven't done that in a long time. I went to a meeting. I shared. I realized, while not a relapse, it was the closest I've come to really considering booze in a long time. I realized I had to step up my game.
Honesty is absolutely necessary for me to stay sober. What you guys think ultimately doesn't matter. But if I find myself reacting, um, inappropriately or disproportionately to people's posts here I know I need to really take pause. Stop and think "Why am I reacting that way? People here are simply expressing their experience and their opinions...."
I would invite you to re-read people's posts without any emotional involvement. And also shine a bit of light on why you reacted with such extreme sarcasm. In the end, if you're cool with what's happening internally for you, that's all that matters.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Sophie - you have ten days of sobriety. That counts for something. Those were some hard earned days! Clearly your plan needs tweaking since you caved with your first bad craving. "I suppose I had my first pretty bad craving" Dust yourself off and carry on with a renewed, more vigilant commitment. Hang in there. (Sophie)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
