daredevil

In early sobriety, I find myself perpetually agitated: presently and in the past, pre-and-post the affliction of self-inflicted alcoholism. Walking to go the gym, I’m agitated. There, I’m agitated. Walking home, I’m agitated. I feel energized ---yet enervated--- around people. I need time to re-charge, but like being in the company of others, even when I find others agitating. I sometimes get agitated at meetings—both AA and SMART—I’m probably just agitated at myself more so than anyone else. Watching television, I get agitated. I used to watch a lot of the 24-hour news channels. But now I think they’re just talking heads, talking but rarely ever making sense. Most people I know don’t know too much about too much, which I find agitating!

Knowledge doesn’t agitate me: people do. Human simplicity does. Human fallibility does. Human complacency does. Human indecency does. Human malevolence and perniciousness tear me at the core. Seemingly unseemly, seamless but knotted, fraught with error yet perfect in its own accord.

I’m sure some will say that ‘it gets better with time.’ But I’m not convinced that’s true. I am, however, convinced that drinking will only agitate me more so that I will not do. Not today at least (and I’ll repeat that tomorrow).

Berrybean

Restless. Irritable. Discontent.

Yep. Just like it says in the Big Book.

What does your sponsor suggest?

BB

tekink

I was easily irked (understatement there) for the first 9 months or so of sobriety.


What you describe like PAWS to me, PAWS is a sob. When one saturates their brain with chemicals that play on different neurotransmitters and receptors the brain compensates buy adjusting it's natural release of these chemicals. Because the drug is making up the difference here one feels pretty much normal. These chemicals regulate all kinds of things like stress and anger, your reward centers and so on.

When you take the drug away you are putting your brain in a chemical imbalance. It's out of whack and makes for a confusion emotional ride.

The initial dangerous period of alcohol withdrawal is the acute stage of withdrawal. These lingering things that can result from now having a chemical imbalance in your brain is the Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome phase. Not everyone will get it and it will be different for everyone. For me my bouts with with relapses made it worse.

Brain fog, apathy, anger, frustration, you name it, I just cycled from one to the other for months in early sobriety. It sucks, it's a symptom of the damage alcohol can do to your brain.

For me understanding what was happening helped to ride it out and swallow my anger faster.

daredevil

BB: I’m working the steps on my own, and am on 4; looking at my flaws in such proximity is a bit painstaking and I see that I preferred keeping things repressed over the years.

tekink: on the money, man. Saturating my brain with copious amounts of vodka definitely disrupted dopaminergic activity. Things won’t revert overnight, as much as I’d like them to; in this case, the platitude ‘it gets better with time’ may be apropos.

Nonsensical

'It' stayed about the same.

I got a lot better.

Keep rocking that sobriety.

Rar

Hang in there DD!

daredevil

PAWS is egregiously endearing and endearingly egregious.

Kinda like a girl I'm seeing.

entropy1964

https://liveyourlegend.net/the-power...g-frustration/

I also find in recovery the more I use my mind, the less I use my heart. That never worked for me. Balance.

lessgravity

Deep deep seated ennui, something that takes me back to smoking a bowl in my bedroom as a 16 year old, listening to guided by voices, sneaking amaretto from my parent's liquor cabinet.

All that seemed to work at the time. Suppose it didn't at all in retrospect.

Buckley3

I can relate. Yes... just like it’s described in the big book.

For me it’s about letting go.

It’ll take practice, but I believe we can move past it if we can find a way to not need to control, judge, etc.

Best-

-B

Finalround

Great perspective Frick. Really gets me thinking and feeling. Thank you.