Advice on Alcoholic SO-- cheating
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
Advice on Alcoholic SO-- cheating
Hey there. I've been living with my SO for about 2 years now, and we've had a wonderful, loving, laugh-filled relationship. Some back-story, is that I have an WONDERFUL older brother who had a bad drinking problem for about 3 years (until he got so drunk he broke an entering/ got two felonies for property destruction, and checked himself into rehab), and decided to get totally sober and is now the same wonderful person I grew up with, and is the furthest thing from aggressive in the world. Aside from my brother, my family doesn't drink at all, and we also live in Utah, so we're not around drinking a whole lot.
So, back to my main point-- my S/O was raised by an alcoholic father, and a mom who is in jail for drugs constantly. He is a billion times better than his parents, but he had been drinking most every day and saying it was normal because it was "just beer". I've seen him get sloppy/ blackout drunk at least once a week throughout our whole relationship, and he's been drinking with his dad since he was 14. He went ring shopping about a month ago, and the weekend after I was having a girls night with some friends and asked him to go hang out with his buddies. Long story short, he ended up getting blackout drunk and sleeping with another girl at the party. He told me the day after because he was "physically ill with anxiety and guilt", and he says he only knows he did it because he called his grandma after to come get him from her house, and drunkenly cried about what he had done until he passed out. His grandma is a wonderful (and very sober) lady, who verified his story.
He says he loves me more than anything, and he wanted to pretend like it had never happened (it has never before, he doesn't even talk to other girls), but he couldn't keep it from me because he felt so bad. Since then he has stopped hanging out with his friends (who basically just drink when they hang out), he has stopped drinking and talks weekly with my brother about staying sober, he even bought a breathalyzer, he has done everything I ask and more.
I have two questions: 1. Do you think if he stays sober he will truly never do it again?
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? What do I say? Do I just ask him to establish clear boundaries with them, and is there anything I can do to calm my anxiety when they come over to our house (he is ONLY hanging out with them at our house as of right now)?
I love this man, and when I left for a few weeks he was genuinely distraught-- and he stayed sober the whole time. My brother thinks that it's possible to get drunk enough to act THAT out of character, and thinks if he stays sober I should forgive him. I've never been that drunk, so I don't know. I'm anxious and depressed and shook by all of this, and I could use some advice from someone who knows what it's like to have a S/O who is an alcoholic. Please help, any response will.
So, back to my main point-- my S/O was raised by an alcoholic father, and a mom who is in jail for drugs constantly. He is a billion times better than his parents, but he had been drinking most every day and saying it was normal because it was "just beer". I've seen him get sloppy/ blackout drunk at least once a week throughout our whole relationship, and he's been drinking with his dad since he was 14. He went ring shopping about a month ago, and the weekend after I was having a girls night with some friends and asked him to go hang out with his buddies. Long story short, he ended up getting blackout drunk and sleeping with another girl at the party. He told me the day after because he was "physically ill with anxiety and guilt", and he says he only knows he did it because he called his grandma after to come get him from her house, and drunkenly cried about what he had done until he passed out. His grandma is a wonderful (and very sober) lady, who verified his story.
He says he loves me more than anything, and he wanted to pretend like it had never happened (it has never before, he doesn't even talk to other girls), but he couldn't keep it from me because he felt so bad. Since then he has stopped hanging out with his friends (who basically just drink when they hang out), he has stopped drinking and talks weekly with my brother about staying sober, he even bought a breathalyzer, he has done everything I ask and more.
I have two questions: 1. Do you think if he stays sober he will truly never do it again?
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? What do I say? Do I just ask him to establish clear boundaries with them, and is there anything I can do to calm my anxiety when they come over to our house (he is ONLY hanging out with them at our house as of right now)?
I love this man, and when I left for a few weeks he was genuinely distraught-- and he stayed sober the whole time. My brother thinks that it's possible to get drunk enough to act THAT out of character, and thinks if he stays sober I should forgive him. I've never been that drunk, so I don't know. I'm anxious and depressed and shook by all of this, and I could use some advice from someone who knows what it's like to have a S/O who is an alcoholic. Please help, any response will.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome MissC. I'm so glad you found us and hope you find lots of support here.
I would be a bit concerned about this:
"my S/O was raised by an alcoholic father, and a mom who is in jail for drugs constantly. He is a billion times better than his parents, but he had been drinking most every day and saying it was normal because it was "just beer". I've seen him get sloppy/ blackout drunk at least once a week throughout our whole relationship, and he's been drinking with his dad since he was 14. "
No one comes out of a situation like this unscathed. His drinking is probably a symptom of some greater issues.
Also understand that is drinking is his problem and not yours to fix. The cheating is another issue and not necessarily related to the drinking. Your problem is to figure out what you want in the long run. His drinking will probably get worse with time unless he joins a program and cut out the family and friends who support this habit.
Start educating yourself about alcoholism and codependency. You might give Alanon a shot although it doesn't work for everyone. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
Let us know how things go and take care of yourself.
I would be a bit concerned about this:
"my S/O was raised by an alcoholic father, and a mom who is in jail for drugs constantly. He is a billion times better than his parents, but he had been drinking most every day and saying it was normal because it was "just beer". I've seen him get sloppy/ blackout drunk at least once a week throughout our whole relationship, and he's been drinking with his dad since he was 14. "
No one comes out of a situation like this unscathed. His drinking is probably a symptom of some greater issues.
Also understand that is drinking is his problem and not yours to fix. The cheating is another issue and not necessarily related to the drinking. Your problem is to figure out what you want in the long run. His drinking will probably get worse with time unless he joins a program and cut out the family and friends who support this habit.
Start educating yourself about alcoholism and codependency. You might give Alanon a shot although it doesn't work for everyone. Also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here.
Let us know how things go and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have two questions: 1. Do you think if he stays sober he will truly never do it again?
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? What do I say?
Hi MissCarter--
That's very painful to go through what you've been dealing with.
Always so many questions when dealing with the As in our lives! And not knowing the answers to these questions (because they are unknowable) can cause us a LOT of anxiety.
Both of your questions can only be answered by him and by time.
And many of us, as we come face to face with the insanity of alcoholic behavior wonder, "What should I say?" and "How should I say it?" tip-toeing around the A on eggshells, as if we hold some power to control another person by what we say.
I had to learn the three C's:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
The fact that he has your brother as a resource is great - because your brother has walked that road and would have more realistic and reliable advice for your SO. How your SO chooses to deal with the consequences of his drinking is part of his process of recovery and is on his side of the street.
I've found when I venture off my side of the street things get hairy and very stressful for me! AlAnon meetings and reading lots of books on alcoholism and codependency (and the many great threads and articles on this website for the friends and family) have given me a lot of tools and guidance to keep my side of the street clean, which is all I have control over.
Peace,
B.
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? What do I say?
Hi MissCarter--
That's very painful to go through what you've been dealing with.
Always so many questions when dealing with the As in our lives! And not knowing the answers to these questions (because they are unknowable) can cause us a LOT of anxiety.
Both of your questions can only be answered by him and by time.
And many of us, as we come face to face with the insanity of alcoholic behavior wonder, "What should I say?" and "How should I say it?" tip-toeing around the A on eggshells, as if we hold some power to control another person by what we say.
I had to learn the three C's:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
The fact that he has your brother as a resource is great - because your brother has walked that road and would have more realistic and reliable advice for your SO. How your SO chooses to deal with the consequences of his drinking is part of his process of recovery and is on his side of the street.
I've found when I venture off my side of the street things get hairy and very stressful for me! AlAnon meetings and reading lots of books on alcoholism and codependency (and the many great threads and articles on this website for the friends and family) have given me a lot of tools and guidance to keep my side of the street clean, which is all I have control over.
Peace,
B.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MissCarter....We have an excellent, extensive library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....there are a lot...enough for you to reed one every single day...which is what I su ggest that you do...
There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
After reading your post...I doubt that you, as a non alcoholic...and limited experience with alcoholism...can really appreciate the enormity of the challenges ahead of your significant other. He probably doesn't, either....the fact that he is not working any kind of alcoholism program says that he is probably minimizing his issues. Dealing with h is issues in a lasting way will take a long time...like 2-3-4-5yrs. That is, if he is really digging deep to change his whole life around.
One of the first lessons for you to learn (which is shocking to most newcomers)..is that he doesn't NEED your help to get and stay sober. He may want it...and, you may think it is your "duty" to give it... an d, even want to give it...but, he doesn't need it.
The changes he has to make are internal ones...and, you can't do that for him. That is the walk he has to do for himself.
The best way to be supportive is to get out of his way and don't enable him.
About your decisions....you don't need your brother to make your personal decisions for you...sure, he is going to open his mouth and give opinions (everybody has an opinion)...but, he doesn't have your s o as a partner, and , he doesn't live in your skin....YOU should be your own decision maker.
Most of the time...blood is th icker than water, and when push comes to shove...your so's family is going to "take his side". Don't ever fool yourself on that...lol...
What about you? this is what I suggest...from what has helped me and what I have observed from others who have to navigate h aving an alcoholic so....
(1) Read everything you can get your hands on and learn everything that you can about alcoholism and co-dependency.
(2) Get face to face support from others (preferably not family...they probably will never understand)...alanon or other support group and a personal counselor for yourself is pretty much standard. (both).
(3) Keep posting here...a nd reading and learning.....
There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
After reading your post...I doubt that you, as a non alcoholic...and limited experience with alcoholism...can really appreciate the enormity of the challenges ahead of your significant other. He probably doesn't, either....the fact that he is not working any kind of alcoholism program says that he is probably minimizing his issues. Dealing with h is issues in a lasting way will take a long time...like 2-3-4-5yrs. That is, if he is really digging deep to change his whole life around.
One of the first lessons for you to learn (which is shocking to most newcomers)..is that he doesn't NEED your help to get and stay sober. He may want it...and, you may think it is your "duty" to give it... an d, even want to give it...but, he doesn't need it.
The changes he has to make are internal ones...and, you can't do that for him. That is the walk he has to do for himself.
The best way to be supportive is to get out of his way and don't enable him.
About your decisions....you don't need your brother to make your personal decisions for you...sure, he is going to open his mouth and give opinions (everybody has an opinion)...but, he doesn't have your s o as a partner, and , he doesn't live in your skin....YOU should be your own decision maker.
Most of the time...blood is th icker than water, and when push comes to shove...your so's family is going to "take his side". Don't ever fool yourself on that...lol...
What about you? this is what I suggest...from what has helped me and what I have observed from others who have to navigate h aving an alcoholic so....
(1) Read everything you can get your hands on and learn everything that you can about alcoholism and co-dependency.
(2) Get face to face support from others (preferably not family...they probably will never understand)...alanon or other support group and a personal counselor for yourself is pretty much standard. (both).
(3) Keep posting here...a nd reading and learning.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? What do I say? Do I just ask him to establish clear boundaries with them, and is there anything I can do to calm my anxiety when they come over to our house (he is ONLY hanging out with them at our house as of right now)?
he wanted to pretend like it had never happened
That said, the fact that he confessed is HUGE, and a very good sign (although I do wonder if his grandmother did the "either you tell her, or I tell her" routine). The fact that he has stopped drinking is also very good. Unfortunately, for him, he's only partway there.
When my ex-fiance told me that he had kissed someone else, I had mind movies for months. Every time I kissed him I wondered if he was imagining her. I wondered if he kissed her the same way he kissed me. It HURT. I tried pretending it didn't matter for the sake of the relationship, but it very much did.
This guy stabbed you in the heart, and now he wants to pretend that he didn't. He can sit around, close his eyes, and wish to God that he didn't do it, but it's not going to heal the wound you now have.
It's not enough to say, "I'll never stab you in the heart again." as you lay there bleeding. What is he going to do to PROVE to you that he won't do it again. He needs to examine why exactly he did what he did, so he WON'T go there again. Sticking his head into an echo chamber of enabling friends and an alcoholic father don't mean squat. Going into therapy and hanging out with people who will give him a good kick in the ass when he needs it would be a very good thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
No one can answer you on if it will ever happen again. IF ONLY we all had that crystal ball, huh?!
This REALLY stood out to me. He has a drinking problem and cheated on you while drinking too much and you are asking us how you can help HIM!
IF he's worth anymore of your time, he'll get help for his drinking and commit to a recovery program. He'll also be an open book with you moving forward, extremely apologetic and humble, and be willing to get some counseling with you to deal with the cheating.
As for you - (((HUGS))). You must be absolutely heartbroken. I suspect that if he was drinking nearly daily and blacking out once per week that things weren't perfect and peachy keen to begin with before the incident. I agree with everyone above - read read read like a crazy person about alcoholism and codependency. I hope you can seek out some alanon meetings, and maybe even some counseling for just you.
How he deals with his friends and family are up to him. And you don't have to be there to hang out with them if you don't want to be.
What about you - what are YOUR boundaries?
Sending you some peace, comfort and clarity.
-- How do I help him with this?
IF he's worth anymore of your time, he'll get help for his drinking and commit to a recovery program. He'll also be an open book with you moving forward, extremely apologetic and humble, and be willing to get some counseling with you to deal with the cheating.
As for you - (((HUGS))). You must be absolutely heartbroken. I suspect that if he was drinking nearly daily and blacking out once per week that things weren't perfect and peachy keen to begin with before the incident. I agree with everyone above - read read read like a crazy person about alcoholism and codependency. I hope you can seek out some alanon meetings, and maybe even some counseling for just you.
How do I help him with this? What do I say? Do I just ask him to establish clear boundaries with them, and is there anything I can do to calm my anxiety when they come over to our house (he is ONLY hanging out with them at our house as of right now)?
What about you - what are YOUR boundaries?
Sending you some peace, comfort and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know you really want to believe him, want to believe his story that he was blackout drunk when he cheated on you but blackout drunks don’t call their grandmothers for a ride home afterwards.
In my opinion, alcohol will only make a person cheat, if they’d considered it while sober. Being drunk changes your behavior not your morals.
He betrayed you and your response to that is, how can I help him. I think the focus here should be on helping yourself.
In my opinion, alcohol will only make a person cheat, if they’d considered it while sober. Being drunk changes your behavior not your morals.
He betrayed you and your response to that is, how can I help him. I think the focus here should be on helping yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yeah,that's the thing about being black out drunk.....you have no recall of what transpired over a period of time. that he was able to "perform" indicates he wasn't THAT wasted. that he was cognizant enough to call his grandmother (dear Lord.....really????) and then cry and cry means he at all times knew exactly what he was doing and that who he was doing it with was NOT you.
besides throwing up involuntarily, alcohol never MADE me do anything. in fact just the opposite, it allowed me to do stuff. I WAS DRUNK is never an excuse.
that he is remorseful now is positive.
that he is sober now is positive.
but i sure as hell wouldn't take any ring he offered. and i wouldn't be so easy to forgive.
besides throwing up involuntarily, alcohol never MADE me do anything. in fact just the opposite, it allowed me to do stuff. I WAS DRUNK is never an excuse.
that he is remorseful now is positive.
that he is sober now is positive.
but i sure as hell wouldn't take any ring he offered. and i wouldn't be so easy to forgive.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 70
Miss Carter -
I have an alcoholic H who cheated on me (twice). To answer your questions (from my perspective, of course) ...
1. Do you think if he stays sober he will truly never do it again? Yes, I believe the chances are extremely high that he'll do it again (and blame it on alcohol as well). It is always easy to 'blame something else' for behavior that is hurtful, disrespectful and, frankly, terrible. In the end, it is all on him. He did this - not you, not his friends and not the alcohol.
The good news is he appears to understand that from the little bit you shared about him working on himself - so maybe he learned something important. He must stay sober, though, and dump those 'friends.' I would say to continue to watch his behavior - and not what he says. The answers as to whether he learns anything at all will be in what he does.
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? You say: "Wow, those are some crappy people. If you want to be like them, have fun. Here's the door; you can show yourself out." Your relationship is with him; not with all of his friends nor with his father. They get no say. If he gives them a say ... then you will always have this problem with him - that is, him choosing his friends (and alcohol) over you. It is not your job to 'help him manage his friends.' If he can't see that his so-called friends are part of the problem .... then he has a lot of growing up to do.
I learned some of the above from hard experience, unfortunately. My H has always insisted he 'wants his family' but ... I've finally figured out that 'he wants his family' on his terms -- and that means he gets to hang with his friends at the bar, drink what and when he wants, and essentially put everything else first. Oh ... and lots of lying. And, I am just done with it all. He's welcome to have that life - just not with me.
wheelsup
I have an alcoholic H who cheated on me (twice). To answer your questions (from my perspective, of course) ...
1. Do you think if he stays sober he will truly never do it again? Yes, I believe the chances are extremely high that he'll do it again (and blame it on alcohol as well). It is always easy to 'blame something else' for behavior that is hurtful, disrespectful and, frankly, terrible. In the end, it is all on him. He did this - not you, not his friends and not the alcohol.
The good news is he appears to understand that from the little bit you shared about him working on himself - so maybe he learned something important. He must stay sober, though, and dump those 'friends.' I would say to continue to watch his behavior - and not what he says. The answers as to whether he learns anything at all will be in what he does.
2. He is worried about his relationship with his friends/ dad. They all say, "You're YOU, she should know you'll never do it again. How she's reacting is over the top, don't let her whip you like that." -- How do I help him with this? You say: "Wow, those are some crappy people. If you want to be like them, have fun. Here's the door; you can show yourself out." Your relationship is with him; not with all of his friends nor with his father. They get no say. If he gives them a say ... then you will always have this problem with him - that is, him choosing his friends (and alcohol) over you. It is not your job to 'help him manage his friends.' If he can't see that his so-called friends are part of the problem .... then he has a lot of growing up to do.
I learned some of the above from hard experience, unfortunately. My H has always insisted he 'wants his family' but ... I've finally figured out that 'he wants his family' on his terms -- and that means he gets to hang with his friends at the bar, drink what and when he wants, and essentially put everything else first. Oh ... and lots of lying. And, I am just done with it all. He's welcome to have that life - just not with me.
wheelsup
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
hat he was able to "perform" indicates he wasn't THAT wasted. that he was cognizant enough to call his grandmother (dear Lord.....really????) and then cry and cry means he at all times knew exactly what he was doing and that who he was doing it with was NOT you.
sure as hell wouldn't take any ring he offered. and i wouldn't be so easy to forgive.
sure as hell wouldn't take any ring he offered. and i wouldn't be so easy to forgive.
Forgive him all you want; it benefits YOU as much or more than it does him. I see a lifetime of drama and chaos ahead for whoever marries into this cluster.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
