Wamama48

For mine, it was two things. First, I told him I was done with his drinking, him, and our marriage and I moved into my own room.

Shortly after that he got the flu. He was sick as a dog for seven days. Two trips to the doctors and a trip to ER for dehydration.

He was so sick he couldn't drink beer. He said three days after his last beer, his brain seemed to clear out, and he FINALLY saw the pain and hurt he was causing his family. He hasn't had a drink since and just received his 60 day coin.

I actually was scared he just went cold turkey. He refused to see a doctor for supervision, so I just kept an eye on him. For a few weeks he was an evil person, someone I didn't know, and for the first time ever, I was scared of him. He had one night where he actually soaked the sheets and pillow in sweat.

He left a partial 18 pack on a shelf in the kitchen for a good six weeks. I asked him if that was tempting him. He said no because it helped him remember, and it was his "penance", or his way of punishing himself. His friend took it home with him a few weeks ago.

I asked him several times the first month of his sobriety if there was anything I could do to help. It blew me away when he told me to keep making him walk the line, don't back down on my stand that I was done with him and our marriage. So I made him walk the line, and I never backed down like in the past. He's worked hard, he said he's commited 100% and he's 60+ days sober.

So, what made you, or your RA see the light?

hearthealth

Also when I told him how his drinking was effecting my life and that's not what I wanted for my marriage. I was done. A few monthes later, he brought a pack of beer in the house. He could tell by my reaction I was not happy. He asked "Are you scared" I stated "based on where we were, *yes*. He has drank since. Went to a bar recently and I was again anxious but he only ordered soda

Givenup2018

Multiple things,

leaving a job he had for years to set up new business, he knows drinking will cause us to lose everything
he feels better/healthier when he does not drink
our marriage is better
I have threatened to leave and will if he doesn't go straight, I told him I just couldn't handle it anymore and was done (still not wholly in, have a wait and see approach right now)

Wamama, I am glad he is sober for now, but I have been in the same place with my RAH a few times. Though this is the longest so far though I know day 1 starts all over again when they fall off the wagon. When things get comfortable they can fall off, having to keep them on the straight and narrow is too much imo, they have to do if for themselves.

hopeful4

Wow. That is great that he is committed. I hope he stays that way. It is definitely a mindset, and he seems to have it. Good stuff!

honeypig

If you are responsible for his sobriety, are you then responsible for a relapse?

I'm sorry, Wama, but I am reading the bolded part to say that anyone can get their A sober if they only "make him walk the line." I don't think you really mean that; at least, I sure HOPE you don't b/c it is blatantly not true.

I'm glad things are going well for you, but I'd caution you about taking credit for your A's sobriety in any way, shape or form.

Wamama48

I think I gave the wrong impression here. You are only seeing a snippet of the story. In no way is he doing it for me. We've had a few conversations regarding all that.

He said it's him, he's sick of feeling like crap, having no motivation, hurting everyone anound him and being embarrassed.
What he meant by making him walk the line was to stand firm in my decision to end the marriage if he doesn't quit. Its one of the things that woke him up. I know now he has to quit for himself, otherwise it's just for show.

Even if we could make them quit for us, it would be a hollow victory, destined to become a train wreck.

I am very cautiously optimistic. Its always hanging over my head that he will start again. I have a loose plan on what I will do if that happens, and he is aware of that plan.

Wamama48

Its nervewracking when they stop, wondering when the other shoe will drop. At least you RAH has seen how it affects your marriage, its beyond frustrating when they are drunk and blind to it. I left a reply down below, I think I gave the wrong impression regarding why he quit. I hope our RAH's are able to stay on the sober path. Nothing we can do about whether they do or don't, just hope for the best

Wamama48

That's very encouraging! I can understand how you would be nervous going into a bar with him.
I would be too. 😯

Ladybird579

So, what made you, or your RA see the light?

I "saw the light" and it wasn't pleasant. I realised that 20 years of so called marriage and he still had no idea what a married person is supposed to act like. I was married to a teenager. A selfish one at that. He was married to his drinking schedule. He has zero interest in anything that made me happy and tbh he didn't even know me....not really. I was just a provider of things to make his life more convenient, money, care of him when he was ill, cook, laundry maid etc.

He never saw the light and he's never recovered.

aliciagr

In one of your posts you wrote how hard it is when they are "blind to it". YES ! My husband was miserable too, but he kept suppressing all those feelings with more drugs and alcohol. He ignored what was happening in his life, and our marriage too.

I think its important to differentiate between being part of the process to "open their eyes" and " encourage " or " create strict boundaries that show what they have to lose"

vs. the concept that we fixed them.

Ive always had trouble understanding the concept of fixing someone. Its like if your husband is overweight and loses the weight. Who says we fixed them? It happens internally right? BUT we can contribute by cooking light meals, and doing things that support healthy living.

We as family often times do contribute to opening a persons eyes, or getting them into treatment - where they do that inner work.

Isnt it ts ok to give ourselves some credit for standing up for ourselves, our families, and fighting the blindness that addiction causes?

I believe it pays to remember substance use disorder is talked about medically in terms of progression. Its not our fault when someone doesn't stop. But often people do stop when they feel negative consequences. So by taking a stand and making boundaries , or by pushing treatment even if they aren't all in from a psychological standpoint- in some cases that can be motivation. That can be the spark. Then of course, its an internal battle to recover by a path of their choosing.

My husbands recovery started by his being pushed by myself and his parents. His work was in jeopardy if he got caught under the influence and that scared him. Then before he went to treatment voluntarily which he was signed up for, he binged and got into legal trouble. It was a case of no charges will be filed if you go to treatment and finish it. So he did that. And then he kept doing it after that pressure was long off because by then he was feeling better and wanted to keep making strides in his health.

NotAPeach

Well, I suppose if other people had no influence at all on the alcoholic/addict and his or her disease process, the TV program "Intervention" has been a huge waste of time over many years with millions upon millions of views. To be fair, although I think I have seen only parts of a couple episodes--it often is a waste of time, at least for some of the people in some of the episodes. But I'm not sure about that. I just seem to remember hearing that it is not always depicted as sunshine and roses at the end of the show.

For my husband, he said he had been trying to stop on his own and just couldn't. He said he hadn't wanted to do it in a very long time but when he would try to stop, he couldn't. He also said he was miserable, that it was an awful way to live, and that he never wanted to go back to that. In his case, he was legally prescribed narcotics for a chronic injury (up until the day he went to rehab) but was trying to cut those down and then off. But as he was tapering down, he started drinking a lot to supplant the reduced narcotic dose. Then it all kind of got out of control, according to him.

The showdown that precipitated the trip to rehab happened in late September of last year. I had NO idea he was secretly drinking. I knew he was acting weird and sometimes was drunk, but there were some physiologic issues that I just assumed were causing it. Everybody did, pretty much. Nope. Drunk as a skunk, apparently most days for close to a year. Anyway, there came a day when I found out, and more importantly, found out that he had been driving under the influence. Since it is my car and my insurance too, that was where I drew the line. I told him he needed to figure something out because he sure was no longer going to be driving my da** car, and that I was not really sure what exactly was happening but that I was not going to be tolerating it. About 30 minutes or an hour later he said he needed help and needed to go to rehab. Two days later he was on a plane 2000 miles away for a 60-day stay.

He has close to six months of sobriety at this point and I would say while he is doing well, sometimes really great, in no way, shape or form is he out of the woods. He is still going to meetings very frequently and after a recent bout of thinking he was invincible, has gotten serious about working with a sponsor and seems to be actually working a program again now. But that is up to him and for the most part that is where I leave it. Except when I start to see addict behavior (not using but the behavior) and then I speak up, state what I see, and ask him to get it taken care of with his people if he is interested in maintaining sobriety.

Super fun rollercoaster. NOT. Right now things are relatively okay. But this is some serious stuff. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.