Please learn from my mistake
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Please learn from my mistake
I joined the site last November and posted a couple of times. I have been able to read, but not post, because I could not remember my password. i found it this morning!!
I'd written that my son was in county jail for 60 days, and I was going out of my mind, his release still being 5 weeks away. Well, he's been home since mid-December and is doing well.
I wanted to share this story with anyone who has the patience to read it, because although I will try to edit myself for brevity, I know it's still going to be long.
My son had a friend who was homeless. The friend was very good to me, helped me figure out how to visit son in jail, set up commissary, etc. So my husband and I offered the friend (to be know as "F") a place to stay since we have an extra bedroom from our other son who is married and out on his own.
F stayed with us and was exceedingly grateful. He was always ready and willing to do anything asked of him. He did a number of maintenance/replacement projects around our house in lieu of rent, which was a great arrangement on both sides. I got to know him very well, and treated him like family.
Occasionally some small items would be misplaced in our house, but my husband and I were so stressed that it didn't seem odd that we'd misplace things (and sometimes the misplaced things would turn up again).
Shortly after my son was incarcerated, there was a lot of fraud that hit one of my credit cards and a few of his. I was alerted by my credit card and my bank, took all the steps to shut down the activity, and got it straightened out. No one insisted that I had to file a police report, but I was going to anyway. However, due to my past dealings with police (vis a vis my son), when I drove there I found myself unable to go in and file the report. I was in my car feeling a whole lot of anxiety, and just could not do it.
Right before my son was released, I realized that I never received the items I'd ordered from a department store. I'd received an email that they'd been shipped and delivered, and as I was going to pursue it, my son was released and in the excitement and activity of the holiday, I forgot about the package. (There was nothing very valuable in it, a few things that would be "extra" gifts for my daughter-in-law and niece, and I simply forgot.)
Fast forward.... I ordered some checks for my account. I realized that it was taking a bit too long for the new checks to arrive, so I called the bank and they told me that the checks had been mailed, and in fact "my husband" had written a few to the grocery store the past weekend. uh-oh. My husband never ever writes a check. He is irrationally phobic about writing checks! I went to the bank and she showed me a check image on her computer screen -- not my husband's writing and not his signature. I had to fill out all the paperwork all over again to close the account.
The same weekend as the checks were being used, my husband and F got into it and husband informed him he needed to move out, and gave him 48 hours. (something else of husband's, that he had not used since the time when son was incarcerated, was missing from the garage, and the only people who had access to garage during that time period were husband and F... I don't even have a key to the garage because the guys use it for storage of bikes, lawn stuff, etc, and I have no reason or desire to ever go in there!)
(I've left out other baby-steps that lead up to the suspicion that F was not the "concerned upstanding friend" that he had presented himself as being...)
So, F is out of the house, and the day after going to the bank about my checking account, I went into the room that we'd let F use.... he left our home rather quickly, and I'd gone in with the intention of packing up the rest of his personal belongings for him to retrieve. Well, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but my checks!! Three of the four books of checks that were mailed to me by the bank, still in the mailing envelope, very neatly folded up and wedged between some of his belongings. Next I spotted a small plastic bag, presumably of trash. Well, I opened it, and there inside was one of the checks from the numeric sequence that he'd taken, written out to a local chain-store, dated, but not signed or cashed. I also found lists and papers with his handwriting, and .... yes, the same writing that matched the image of the check my banker showed me. Finally, in the closet I found a pajama set that I'd ordered for my daughter-in-law as an extra Christmas gift... part of the package delivery I'd never received and had forgotten about. I checked my order history -- the other items were two sweaters and a costume jewelry necklace. Presumably the sweaters and necklace were given as gifts to a girl that I knew him to be dating???
Exactly then, one of the stores where he'd used our checks called and said that they were trying to collect on the $300+ check "we" wrote that was denied. I explained about the checks having been stolen, and they said, ok, we had to give them a copy of the police report and we'd not be liable for the money.
Naturally my anxiety and panic were going overtime, but I had to gather my courage and head to the police station. Afterwards, my husband, sister-in-law, (and even my son, as much as he never wants anything ever again to do with police!!) said why didn't I have one of them take me? But I knew I needed to do this right then and there and get it over with. I reported the theft of the checks, where they'd been used so far, and who I believed the suspect to be and why.
Two days later I picked up my copy of the report and faxed it to the grocery store chain (he'd used our checks at three locations). The total he received was $1300 and change.
I can only imagine that he bought whatever electronics items they had, pawned or sold them, and came out of it with about 50 cents on the dollar?
I have gone back to the closest location of the grocery store, spoken with their security guy, closed my old loyalty/membership card, and opened a new one.
The bank has given me back the full $1300+. The grocery store chain is out the same amount of money. It's up to them whether or not they choose to pursue the matter against F for their money.
Ever since I've done this, I've actually felt a sense of peace (for the most part). Yet, I feel terrible that someone I treated like a member of my own family did this to us. I especially feel bad for my son, who was also duped by this guy,, and feels violated and betrayed by someone he believed was his good friend.
Not only did I treat him like family, I offered to testify on his behalf in a child custody matter (thank God the court date was changed; I would never forgive myself if I'd played a role in helping him get access to his children, now that I know who he truly "is"), and other favors of a lesser degree.
I feel like I was gullible beyond belief. He preyed on us (especially me) when we were weak. I've since shown my son the text messages between F and myself when we first started talking, and son tells me that more than half of the stuff that F told me was untrue. He's a true con man, and I was the perfect mark!
At this point, I am trying to be positive about this. Everything happens for a reason. I'm far too old to have fallen for a con so easily. I've learned my lesson. Son now has nothing to do with this guy, who is only going to continue down his path of illegal behavior. Son is doing well and does not need someone like that in his life.
Mail arrived at our house yesterday from a local court, addressed to F. I had contacted F a couple of weeks ago about arranging to pick up his personal items, including mail from his probation officer, and he never responded to my text. (I have not told him that I gave his name to the police as a theft suspect.) Since he didn't reply to my previous text, I called the courthouse, to tell them he doesn't live here, and they told me to write "not at this address" and send it back, which I did today. I guess I'll get the probation notices together and send them back too. He's had enough time to notify his probation officer that he doesn't live here. I don't particularly want to get him in trouble with probation (for not reporting his new address), but also if he violates his probation or gets into further trouble, the LAST thing I want is for police to show up at my house to arrest him. I don't need the drama... so I'll have to report his change of address for him.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, bless you. It's been cathartic for me to get this off my chest!!
I'd written that my son was in county jail for 60 days, and I was going out of my mind, his release still being 5 weeks away. Well, he's been home since mid-December and is doing well.
I wanted to share this story with anyone who has the patience to read it, because although I will try to edit myself for brevity, I know it's still going to be long.
My son had a friend who was homeless. The friend was very good to me, helped me figure out how to visit son in jail, set up commissary, etc. So my husband and I offered the friend (to be know as "F") a place to stay since we have an extra bedroom from our other son who is married and out on his own.
F stayed with us and was exceedingly grateful. He was always ready and willing to do anything asked of him. He did a number of maintenance/replacement projects around our house in lieu of rent, which was a great arrangement on both sides. I got to know him very well, and treated him like family.
Occasionally some small items would be misplaced in our house, but my husband and I were so stressed that it didn't seem odd that we'd misplace things (and sometimes the misplaced things would turn up again).
Shortly after my son was incarcerated, there was a lot of fraud that hit one of my credit cards and a few of his. I was alerted by my credit card and my bank, took all the steps to shut down the activity, and got it straightened out. No one insisted that I had to file a police report, but I was going to anyway. However, due to my past dealings with police (vis a vis my son), when I drove there I found myself unable to go in and file the report. I was in my car feeling a whole lot of anxiety, and just could not do it.
Right before my son was released, I realized that I never received the items I'd ordered from a department store. I'd received an email that they'd been shipped and delivered, and as I was going to pursue it, my son was released and in the excitement and activity of the holiday, I forgot about the package. (There was nothing very valuable in it, a few things that would be "extra" gifts for my daughter-in-law and niece, and I simply forgot.)
Fast forward.... I ordered some checks for my account. I realized that it was taking a bit too long for the new checks to arrive, so I called the bank and they told me that the checks had been mailed, and in fact "my husband" had written a few to the grocery store the past weekend. uh-oh. My husband never ever writes a check. He is irrationally phobic about writing checks! I went to the bank and she showed me a check image on her computer screen -- not my husband's writing and not his signature. I had to fill out all the paperwork all over again to close the account.
The same weekend as the checks were being used, my husband and F got into it and husband informed him he needed to move out, and gave him 48 hours. (something else of husband's, that he had not used since the time when son was incarcerated, was missing from the garage, and the only people who had access to garage during that time period were husband and F... I don't even have a key to the garage because the guys use it for storage of bikes, lawn stuff, etc, and I have no reason or desire to ever go in there!)
(I've left out other baby-steps that lead up to the suspicion that F was not the "concerned upstanding friend" that he had presented himself as being...)
So, F is out of the house, and the day after going to the bank about my checking account, I went into the room that we'd let F use.... he left our home rather quickly, and I'd gone in with the intention of packing up the rest of his personal belongings for him to retrieve. Well, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but my checks!! Three of the four books of checks that were mailed to me by the bank, still in the mailing envelope, very neatly folded up and wedged between some of his belongings. Next I spotted a small plastic bag, presumably of trash. Well, I opened it, and there inside was one of the checks from the numeric sequence that he'd taken, written out to a local chain-store, dated, but not signed or cashed. I also found lists and papers with his handwriting, and .... yes, the same writing that matched the image of the check my banker showed me. Finally, in the closet I found a pajama set that I'd ordered for my daughter-in-law as an extra Christmas gift... part of the package delivery I'd never received and had forgotten about. I checked my order history -- the other items were two sweaters and a costume jewelry necklace. Presumably the sweaters and necklace were given as gifts to a girl that I knew him to be dating???
Exactly then, one of the stores where he'd used our checks called and said that they were trying to collect on the $300+ check "we" wrote that was denied. I explained about the checks having been stolen, and they said, ok, we had to give them a copy of the police report and we'd not be liable for the money.
Naturally my anxiety and panic were going overtime, but I had to gather my courage and head to the police station. Afterwards, my husband, sister-in-law, (and even my son, as much as he never wants anything ever again to do with police!!) said why didn't I have one of them take me? But I knew I needed to do this right then and there and get it over with. I reported the theft of the checks, where they'd been used so far, and who I believed the suspect to be and why.
Two days later I picked up my copy of the report and faxed it to the grocery store chain (he'd used our checks at three locations). The total he received was $1300 and change.
I can only imagine that he bought whatever electronics items they had, pawned or sold them, and came out of it with about 50 cents on the dollar?
I have gone back to the closest location of the grocery store, spoken with their security guy, closed my old loyalty/membership card, and opened a new one.
The bank has given me back the full $1300+. The grocery store chain is out the same amount of money. It's up to them whether or not they choose to pursue the matter against F for their money.
Ever since I've done this, I've actually felt a sense of peace (for the most part). Yet, I feel terrible that someone I treated like a member of my own family did this to us. I especially feel bad for my son, who was also duped by this guy,, and feels violated and betrayed by someone he believed was his good friend.
Not only did I treat him like family, I offered to testify on his behalf in a child custody matter (thank God the court date was changed; I would never forgive myself if I'd played a role in helping him get access to his children, now that I know who he truly "is"), and other favors of a lesser degree.
I feel like I was gullible beyond belief. He preyed on us (especially me) when we were weak. I've since shown my son the text messages between F and myself when we first started talking, and son tells me that more than half of the stuff that F told me was untrue. He's a true con man, and I was the perfect mark!
At this point, I am trying to be positive about this. Everything happens for a reason. I'm far too old to have fallen for a con so easily. I've learned my lesson. Son now has nothing to do with this guy, who is only going to continue down his path of illegal behavior. Son is doing well and does not need someone like that in his life.
Mail arrived at our house yesterday from a local court, addressed to F. I had contacted F a couple of weeks ago about arranging to pick up his personal items, including mail from his probation officer, and he never responded to my text. (I have not told him that I gave his name to the police as a theft suspect.) Since he didn't reply to my previous text, I called the courthouse, to tell them he doesn't live here, and they told me to write "not at this address" and send it back, which I did today. I guess I'll get the probation notices together and send them back too. He's had enough time to notify his probation officer that he doesn't live here. I don't particularly want to get him in trouble with probation (for not reporting his new address), but also if he violates his probation or gets into further trouble, the LAST thing I want is for police to show up at my house to arrest him. I don't need the drama... so I'll have to report his change of address for him.
Sorry this is so long, and if you've read this far, bless you. It's been cathartic for me to get this off my chest!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Wow!
Just. Wow.
Very, very sorry for your situation, Green Chair.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that you should monitor your credit rating for a while to ensure that he hasn’t snuck something through
You are so right. He is a true predator.
Just. Wow.
Very, very sorry for your situation, Green Chair.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that you should monitor your credit rating for a while to ensure that he hasn’t snuck something through
You are so right. He is a true predator.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sadly, your story is not uncommon to those of us who let people move into our homes who either were addicted or lived the con life of the street....or both.
What did I learn?
Letting people stay or live in my home never once changed their lives but it sure changed mine. It cost me a lot of money and anxiety and what I thought was kindness was just me being played by a pro.
I should have reported the very first incident to the police and removed the person (in my case it was my son) from my home immediately...or better yet, let the police remove them and then change the locks and get an alarm system.
I learned to trust my instincts. If I felt something was wrong or going on that was unhealthy, it probably was.
I learned to never leave my check books where anyone could access them. Stealing checks from the middle is a common con because the missing checks are not noticed for some time.
Check your bank accounts and credit cards every day, This protects us against any illegal activity no matter where it originated. I do this each morning and it takes about 10 minutes tops, including paying my bills on line.
When we know better, we do better. There are many lessons here and I hope you pay attention to ensure it never happens again.
What did I learn?
Letting people stay or live in my home never once changed their lives but it sure changed mine. It cost me a lot of money and anxiety and what I thought was kindness was just me being played by a pro.
I should have reported the very first incident to the police and removed the person (in my case it was my son) from my home immediately...or better yet, let the police remove them and then change the locks and get an alarm system.
I learned to trust my instincts. If I felt something was wrong or going on that was unhealthy, it probably was.
I learned to never leave my check books where anyone could access them. Stealing checks from the middle is a common con because the missing checks are not noticed for some time.
Check your bank accounts and credit cards every day, This protects us against any illegal activity no matter where it originated. I do this each morning and it takes about 10 minutes tops, including paying my bills on line.
I feel like I was gullible beyond belief. He preyed on us (especially me) when we were weak. I've since shown my son the text messages between F and myself when we first started talking, and son tells me that more than half of the stuff that F told me was untrue. He's a true con man, and I was the perfect mark!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Thanks everyone.
I guess in my mind I was paying it forward, ir paying it back, doing a mitzvah or spreading good karma.... I know a lot of people would look at my son and think "trash" - but I never gave up on him. I set boundaries, though. And I couldn't help but feel that without our family, knowing that he (though not what he was doing) was loved and that if was going to make an effort we were going to be supportive... Without that, what would become of him? And F had no one (though of course NOW I understand WHY) and thought everyone deserves a chance... And so we gave him help, and a chance, and it was a huge mistake!
Now if I want to help, I will donate to a reputable charity, to a homeless shelter, etc, but will never make the same mistakes again.
I guess in my mind I was paying it forward, ir paying it back, doing a mitzvah or spreading good karma.... I know a lot of people would look at my son and think "trash" - but I never gave up on him. I set boundaries, though. And I couldn't help but feel that without our family, knowing that he (though not what he was doing) was loved and that if was going to make an effort we were going to be supportive... Without that, what would become of him? And F had no one (though of course NOW I understand WHY) and thought everyone deserves a chance... And so we gave him help, and a chance, and it was a huge mistake!
Now if I want to help, I will donate to a reputable charity, to a homeless shelter, etc, but will never make the same mistakes again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
