CaliButterfly

Looking in my rear-view at day 40. Almost drank today but didn't. Ironically, my alcoholic hubby convinced me not to with a fresh drink in his hand. While looking for his "backup bottle" of bourbon in the kitchen cabinet, he ran across two forgotten mini bottles of wine. I just happened to be standing next to him and my legs nearly buckled seeing them. The craving hit me like a mack truck and my mind went into a frenzy how to navigate drinking only on the weekends. It took close to two hours to subside. But it did pass.

DH reminded me how much I want to stay sober and I do. I chose this, nobody else forced me to. But I'm still angry. I can't drink anymore. Ever. And yet I sit and watch him every day down it in front of me with no way to avoid it. I'm not angry at him, because I know that the addiction has him trapped. He doesn't want to stop and I'm ok with that. It's his choice. But the alcohol in the house can't be escaped and I'm jealous because I can't give in. I'm angry listening to someone that tells me I can do this when he clearly can't and is drunk uttering the words.

Tomorrow is another day. I don't relate to AA, so I am very grateful that SR is here to vent to and inspire me. I hope I can give back and pay it forward. Thanks all.

Snowydelrico

I feel for you Cali,
It’s hard watching people drink in early recovery.
You need as much calm as you can get.
I used to suffer next day ( like I had a hangover from processing the new info)if I’d had to endure a function where peoplle were drinking round me.

I know you don’t want to ask him to but it would be fair if he didn’t have drink in the house it is endangering your life. I know that seems extreme but it’s true.
Your home should be a safe haven.

My ex used to do it and it made it hard as hell for me and I would inevitably try just on drink. And back on the not so merry go round I went.

Take care you are doing great 40 days wooohooo

Snowydelrico

I remember opening the fridge about 6 months in to my recovery and a opened bottle of white wine was there. I could smell it and straight away it took me back to thinking in the ways I used to when I drank. Made me feel terrible Like post traumatic stress disorder or something.
I poured it straight down the sink.

CaliButterfly

Exactly Snowy, exactly. PTSD is the perfect description of what I felt last night. It was terrible. I didn't pour it out though. Partly because I wanted to challenge myself to prove I can do this, and partly because I wanted to be able to change my mind. Sad but true. It's now gone, thankfully. I don't want to be on the not so merry go round. Been there waaaay too many times. Luckily he doesn't go to the pub (ok, I'm in the states but indulge me. I love the way you talk.) so I don't have to fetch him, but I can't ask him not to at home. If so, he'd have to get on our train. I think in time I'll accept it and get over the anger when I'm comfortable with my renewed life. Funny you should mention, I have a headache... lol

Rar

I wish I could offer some solution, but I'm in the very same situation. As I sit here sipping my sparkling water, Hubby is drinking. It is indeed difficult. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself that I'm not drinking, but I remind myself that I am choosing to not drink, that it is a good, no it is a GREAT thing. I am 2 months sober today. Hang in there. I feel for you. (Cali)

Snowydelrico

Stay strong, I’m sure you can do this.
Just got to resign yourself to the fact you can’t have even one.
Put it to rest.
Each time you feel like your brain has taken a battering because your new way of life. It’s just it’s way of telling you it’s on the mend and repairing. It’s a good thing.

It will level out and fully repair given time

Keep your chin up lass.( bit of Yorkshire speak)

teatreeoil007

This must be really hard. But I think it's good you're able to vent your emotions here.

Snowydelrico

Hard ? Well I suppose it’s all relative.
It’s extremely hard living as a alcoholic whilst drinking.
Don’t think anything comes close to that.

Doing a degree may be considered hard but many people do them.
It’s just learning a new thing. Took me a year to learn it, takes some people 3 months. I don’t think that’s bad for a full meaningful life.

Talking it out is good therapy yes.

Anna

When your husband is drinking, is there somewhere else in the house that you can be? Or could you go out for a walk? It's not an ideal situation for you, but you can do it.

CaliButterfly

Yes, but there are two problems with that, unfortunately. One, we couldn't spend any time together after 3 pm since he's a daily drinker, and I can hear the ice cubes hitting the glass with every refill. It's like Pavlov's dog. Ugh. So I try to distract myself and avoid him most times. Kinda sad, but what I have to do until it doesn't bother me anymore. Luckily I have a lot that keeps me busy.

Dee74

It is hard when you have a hard drinking/alcoholic spouse...but it's not a deal breaker.

There's a ton of support here CaliButterfuly - you can do this

D