I just don’t know where I stand anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
I just don’t know where I stand anymore
This may be a long story but I am lost.
I’ve been with my husband for a very long time. 21 years actually. Since I was 15. Married at 19. Back then we would smoke pot. But I gave it up when I became pregnant as did he. Life was good for quite some time. 10 Years into our marriage, he was always working or doing whatever he did with his friends. I ended up cheating on him. Terrible. Then I cut things off quickly and stayed as perfect of a wife as I could. But the more I tried the less he was around. I don’t understand that to this day.
So, 15 Years into our marriage I had decided I was going to leave. Big mess. Ended up staying after all and confessed to the affair 5 years earlier. That’s when things started going haywire.
He wanted to drink more and more. Vodka, jager, beer. Every evening. Then came the offer for cocaine. I wanted to make things good again. I did do it with him for quite a few months. Then I decided being a better person was what I wanted. So I stopped. But he did not. It ended up making things bad. I wanted him to stop. He said I was trying to take things he liked to do away from him.
Then finally. Enough was enough. He became slightly abusive two or three times and I was done. So he stopped. Saved a tiny bit to put on cigarettes or whatever. Then was out for good. Have not had issues in months.
Well, tonight he comes to me to confess that he “found some” in a tool box and did some. It’s “up to me” what happens with what is left. I’m just not sure what he is getting at or why he did it at all. I’m not sure if this was even the first time since he supposedly stopped.
Am I overreacting or being stupid? Please please help me help us!
I’ve been with my husband for a very long time. 21 years actually. Since I was 15. Married at 19. Back then we would smoke pot. But I gave it up when I became pregnant as did he. Life was good for quite some time. 10 Years into our marriage, he was always working or doing whatever he did with his friends. I ended up cheating on him. Terrible. Then I cut things off quickly and stayed as perfect of a wife as I could. But the more I tried the less he was around. I don’t understand that to this day.
So, 15 Years into our marriage I had decided I was going to leave. Big mess. Ended up staying after all and confessed to the affair 5 years earlier. That’s when things started going haywire.
He wanted to drink more and more. Vodka, jager, beer. Every evening. Then came the offer for cocaine. I wanted to make things good again. I did do it with him for quite a few months. Then I decided being a better person was what I wanted. So I stopped. But he did not. It ended up making things bad. I wanted him to stop. He said I was trying to take things he liked to do away from him.
Then finally. Enough was enough. He became slightly abusive two or three times and I was done. So he stopped. Saved a tiny bit to put on cigarettes or whatever. Then was out for good. Have not had issues in months.
Well, tonight he comes to me to confess that he “found some” in a tool box and did some. It’s “up to me” what happens with what is left. I’m just not sure what he is getting at or why he did it at all. I’m not sure if this was even the first time since he supposedly stopped.
Am I overreacting or being stupid? Please please help me help us!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It shouldn't be up to you what happens to it. He can get rid of it and work hard at regaining his balance in sobriety, or he can make an excuse to keep it and/or smoke it and continue his path of destruction.
What's really up to you is how long you want to live like this. You have many years invested and that may be worth some marriage counseling and effort to keep it together...or to cut your losses and leave and reclaim your live in a healthy, peaceful way.
It's up to you all right. What YOU choose to do with your life is up to you. He has already shown you what he chooses to do with is.
Good luck, I know this must be very painful and confusing.
What's really up to you is how long you want to live like this. You have many years invested and that may be worth some marriage counseling and effort to keep it together...or to cut your losses and leave and reclaim your live in a healthy, peaceful way.
It's up to you all right. What YOU choose to do with your life is up to you. He has already shown you what he chooses to do with is.
Good luck, I know this must be very painful and confusing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
"It's up to you what you want to do with it."
That reads to me as, "You want this? Go ahead and have a bit."
Misery loves company. I would imagine he wants you back on the stuff so you'll get off his case about it.
Either way, even if that's not what he meant this sounds like a very unhealthy situation. You don't want him leaving his sobriety in your hands. Addicts do that to us so they don't have to take responsibility. It needs to be his own decision or it'll never stick.
Good luck
That reads to me as, "You want this? Go ahead and have a bit."
Misery loves company. I would imagine he wants you back on the stuff so you'll get off his case about it.
Either way, even if that's not what he meant this sounds like a very unhealthy situation. You don't want him leaving his sobriety in your hands. Addicts do that to us so they don't have to take responsibility. It needs to be his own decision or it'll never stick.
Good luck
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