Divorce wreckage and relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 9
Divorce wreckage and relapse
I have been in AA for 24 years and relapsed after a divorce.
I am a few weeks away from 7 years clean and sober.
I married a man in AA who has been in AA for over 20 years at that time.
We married after only six weeks of dating which was obviously a big mistake.
We had been acquainted much longer tho.
He was intelligent, good looking, personable and talked the AA talk.
Some time after we were married I repeatedly smelled marijuana on him.
He would come home from work and tell me I had only 15 minutes to talk and after that he wanted his dinner and t.v.
I discovered that he had used marijuana in the past during the time
he was AA and supposedly clean and sober and that he also had a history of chronic relapse.
After 3 years of marriage he began drinking and became a Dr. Jekyl
and Mr.Hyde savage. It was extreme alcoholism at it's worst.
He was going into rages, throwing things and breaking things, and threw dishes,
and sharp utensils at me. He also accidentally shot himself through the hand.
My sponsor and others were afraid for my safety it was unsafe, so I got a divorce.
If people relapse that it one issue but if they become physically and/or verbally
abusive there is no going back.
I lost everything I had before the marriage. My home foreclosed.
I could not cope with the financial and emotional wreckage of a divorce.
I drifted away and got a prescription for benzos which led into a horrific relapse
with benzos, opiates, and alcohol.
The ex-husband has already been married and divorced to someone else.
She was his 6th marriage.
I came back to AA in 2011 and he was there. He was nice enough until he said
that he relapsed on purpose because he knew I would bounce him.
I got a divorce because he was violent, not just because he relapsed.
I know that I relapsed because I did not stay close to the program and the fellowship.
Period.
When I came back to AA in 2011 he was there acting as if he had been sober
for many years. For anyone whose been around here long enough in AA
his past is pretty much public information
so I can't imagine why he would do that. But then again I don't really care.
I have no resentments. I wish him a long and sober life.
I have never talked about it in a meeting out of respect for him.
I have not seen him several years but he is probably around somewhere.
The message in my story here is that if a woman in recovery marries a man in AA and he relapses it's not the fact that that he relapsed that is dangerous but the emotional and financial wreckage that is caused, especially if he becomes abusive and a divorce ensues.
This jeopardized my serenity and my sobriety.
It is my fault that I relapsed but this territory was a slippery slope.
I did share this in a meeting recently.
Thank you in advance for any feedback.
I am a few weeks away from 7 years clean and sober.
I married a man in AA who has been in AA for over 20 years at that time.
We married after only six weeks of dating which was obviously a big mistake.
We had been acquainted much longer tho.
He was intelligent, good looking, personable and talked the AA talk.
Some time after we were married I repeatedly smelled marijuana on him.
He would come home from work and tell me I had only 15 minutes to talk and after that he wanted his dinner and t.v.
I discovered that he had used marijuana in the past during the time
he was AA and supposedly clean and sober and that he also had a history of chronic relapse.
After 3 years of marriage he began drinking and became a Dr. Jekyl
and Mr.Hyde savage. It was extreme alcoholism at it's worst.
He was going into rages, throwing things and breaking things, and threw dishes,
and sharp utensils at me. He also accidentally shot himself through the hand.
My sponsor and others were afraid for my safety it was unsafe, so I got a divorce.
If people relapse that it one issue but if they become physically and/or verbally
abusive there is no going back.
I lost everything I had before the marriage. My home foreclosed.
I could not cope with the financial and emotional wreckage of a divorce.
I drifted away and got a prescription for benzos which led into a horrific relapse
with benzos, opiates, and alcohol.
The ex-husband has already been married and divorced to someone else.
She was his 6th marriage.
I came back to AA in 2011 and he was there. He was nice enough until he said
that he relapsed on purpose because he knew I would bounce him.
I got a divorce because he was violent, not just because he relapsed.
I know that I relapsed because I did not stay close to the program and the fellowship.
Period.
When I came back to AA in 2011 he was there acting as if he had been sober
for many years. For anyone whose been around here long enough in AA
his past is pretty much public information
so I can't imagine why he would do that. But then again I don't really care.
I have no resentments. I wish him a long and sober life.
I have never talked about it in a meeting out of respect for him.
I have not seen him several years but he is probably around somewhere.
The message in my story here is that if a woman in recovery marries a man in AA and he relapses it's not the fact that that he relapsed that is dangerous but the emotional and financial wreckage that is caused, especially if he becomes abusive and a divorce ensues.
This jeopardized my serenity and my sobriety.
It is my fault that I relapsed but this territory was a slippery slope.
I did share this in a meeting recently.
Thank you in advance for any feedback.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow Noor, I admire your courage and honesty! You have traveled some hard roads. I wonder if you'd get more responses if you posted this in the Alcoholics forum - I bet you're not the first person to have walked these hilly paths. What's amazing is you keep returning to recovery and having success with insight and taking responsibility for your own mistakes.
Your story is a good cautionary tale.
Peace,
B
Your story is a good cautionary tale.
Peace,
B
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Noor, I think you mind find more peace at your meetings if you changed to meetings that he does not attend. A Women's meeting would ensure your privacy and well being.
When toxic people won't get out of our way, sometimes we have to step over them to get to a more peaceful place.
Good luck.
When toxic people won't get out of our way, sometimes we have to step over them to get to a more peaceful place.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Many, many people who relapse cannot in their own mind accept they relapsed because of their own behaviors. I am sure that is why he blamed Noor.
I am so glad you got out of this relationship and had the courage to share. Your own sobriety must be #1, always and forever. Stay strong!
I am so glad you got out of this relationship and had the courage to share. Your own sobriety must be #1, always and forever. Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Thank you for sharing, Noor. I especially like how you wrote about the financial and emotional wreckage of a divorce. That sums it up for me. Great reminder about dealing with addiction as one thing, physical and/or emotional abuse is another and there is no going back. I learned this the hard way. Because I kept extending that line each time because he was "sorry". I never experienced any type of recovery with my xah and when others on SR or alanon say that recovery looks like recovery I never really understood what they meant. From here on out, I will reference your post as that definition for myself. Great share.
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