Money
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Money
Happy Friday! So my marriage has been in roommate status since last October. I have been to 3 counseling sessions that were supposed to be for both my husband & I but have turned into counseling for just me. I have shared my husband is a functioning alcoholic who is not ready to quit & does not want to go to counseling & blames me for not being a good wife. I do not believe any of his BS so I have just decided I will work on me. I do feel separation would be best for us but I am also not ready to do so & mostly because of my 8 year old son who adores him. My question today though is around $. We both work full time outside of the home & we both make a decent living with almost equal amounts from each of us, mine being a little more. Has anyone been in this position & what did you do when it comes to $. We have a joint account but I am sick of seeing how much $ he spends on his addiction. Would it be best to separate our accounts & then ask him to pay me so much each pay period for the bills?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
This is a tricky one.
I guess it depends on how much he is spending, where you think this is headed, what his reaction to separating accounts would be and how that might impact other decisions you are considering.
I (sadly) have sometimes made decisions that had surprising unexpected consequences and later thought I could have helped myself by making a different move - or - make a move because I was angry rather than making a smart move or one that was part of my plan to let go.
I know I am not qualified to give you advice on this one, but might suggest that thinking through how this would play out and if you are ready for any of the possible consequences. Then, if you still want to do it and are not ready for the consequences, maybe get ready before making the move.
Wishing you clarity as you sort this out.
I guess it depends on how much he is spending, where you think this is headed, what his reaction to separating accounts would be and how that might impact other decisions you are considering.
I (sadly) have sometimes made decisions that had surprising unexpected consequences and later thought I could have helped myself by making a different move - or - make a move because I was angry rather than making a smart move or one that was part of my plan to let go.
I know I am not qualified to give you advice on this one, but might suggest that thinking through how this would play out and if you are ready for any of the possible consequences. Then, if you still want to do it and are not ready for the consequences, maybe get ready before making the move.
Wishing you clarity as you sort this out.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 9
He is an active alcoholic.
An active alcoholic always puts the alcohol first,
before everyone else and everything else.
It is a progressive disease that just keeps getting worse.
The bottom line is that he has already proven,
by not getting help and admitting that he is powerless over alcohol,
that he loves alcohol more than you,
more than his marriage,
and more than his own child.
If he can't be honest about that (step 1)
then he can't be honest about anything else either.
An active alcoholic always puts the alcohol first,
before everyone else and everything else.
It is a progressive disease that just keeps getting worse.
The bottom line is that he has already proven,
by not getting help and admitting that he is powerless over alcohol,
that he loves alcohol more than you,
more than his marriage,
and more than his own child.
If he can't be honest about that (step 1)
then he can't be honest about anything else either.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Stacy,
So to answer your question about $$$, definitely open a separate account to which you are the sole signature, and put at least a portion of your check in there each month. Pay bills from the joint account. You do not need to ask him to pay you for a portion of the bills this way. This way it protects you somewhat if he liquidates the account and does not involve you telling him what to do or get him to do anything different than he already is.
My wife and I were recently married, so we had not yet setup joint accounts when her addiction was raging... and I will always maintain a separate account where she has no access. I will also be wary of any joint accounts/signatures for anything as it can have bad consequences. This is not how I would like a partnership, but it is a necessity due to the devistation an addict can wreck.
Plan for the worst as one never knows what can happen, but I have found with addicts, it can happen fast!
So to answer your question about $$$, definitely open a separate account to which you are the sole signature, and put at least a portion of your check in there each month. Pay bills from the joint account. You do not need to ask him to pay you for a portion of the bills this way. This way it protects you somewhat if he liquidates the account and does not involve you telling him what to do or get him to do anything different than he already is.
My wife and I were recently married, so we had not yet setup joint accounts when her addiction was raging... and I will always maintain a separate account where she has no access. I will also be wary of any joint accounts/signatures for anything as it can have bad consequences. This is not how I would like a partnership, but it is a necessity due to the devistation an addict can wreck.
Plan for the worst as one never knows what can happen, but I have found with addicts, it can happen fast!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Thank you Spence! I kind of do this as I have a savings account he is not on & transfer $ to that account since he does not have access to it. Sadly there are times he keeps spending & then I have to transfer $ for our savings account. This is what I am tired of seeing as well as all his visits to the convenience store!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
So my take on it would be this then:
1) change how money is deposited to your joint account. Most employers do have paycheck splitting to different accounts. I would not want him seeing how much money you are moving out into another account.
2) Go to the bank and remove any overdraft permissions on the joint account so that protects you there. Once there is no more money on the account, he can not draw anything further.
3) when he blames you for there being no money, you can simply say he must have drank more than he thought this time around...
1) change how money is deposited to your joint account. Most employers do have paycheck splitting to different accounts. I would not want him seeing how much money you are moving out into another account.
2) Go to the bank and remove any overdraft permissions on the joint account so that protects you there. Once there is no more money on the account, he can not draw anything further.
3) when he blames you for there being no money, you can simply say he must have drank more than he thought this time around...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi Stacy. I had a separate checking account as well because seeing how much he would spend daily/weekly/monthly was sickening. Heck, I even cancelled his debit card once when he was on a weekend bender. Talk about poking a hornets nest ... he was furious at ME. Blame and manipulation began like I had done something wrong trying to protect our finances and children.
Like you, I would move money from my account to cover his overages and guess what happened? He started out saying he would pay me back and then never would. Then he started expecting it and I began to feel resentful. Eventually, I just said no and refused to contribute any money into the joint account that he had access to. With every no he became more and more angry at me. He would ask for money and I would answer out loud, "I do not have any money" In my head, I would finish the sentence " .... for pills, booze and partying." Seeing the overages and bank fees on the joint account was painful for me.
Having a separate account was useless if I still covered for my "roommate"
. Spence's last post is where I wound up.
Like you, I would move money from my account to cover his overages and guess what happened? He started out saying he would pay me back and then never would. Then he started expecting it and I began to feel resentful. Eventually, I just said no and refused to contribute any money into the joint account that he had access to. With every no he became more and more angry at me. He would ask for money and I would answer out loud, "I do not have any money" In my head, I would finish the sentence " .... for pills, booze and partying." Seeing the overages and bank fees on the joint account was painful for me.
Having a separate account was useless if I still covered for my "roommate"
. Spence's last post is where I wound up.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Spence7471 
So my take on it would be this then:
1) change how money is deposited to your joint account. Most employers do have paycheck splitting to different accounts. I would not want him seeing how much money you are moving out into another account.
2) Go to the bank and remove any overdraft permissions on the joint account so that protects you there. Once there is no more money on the account, he can not draw anything further.
3) when he blames you for there being no money, you can simply say he must have drank more than he thought this time around...
1) change how money is deposited to your joint account. Most employers do have paycheck splitting to different accounts. I would not want him seeing how much money you are moving out into another account.
2) Go to the bank and remove any overdraft permissions on the joint account so that protects you there. Once there is no more money on the account, he can not draw anything further.
3) when he blames you for there being no money, you can simply say he must have drank more than he thought this time around...
I also removed him from my credit cards - it was my SSN on the line for the credit reporting/balance due so I wanted to stem the flow of financial bleeding there too.
Also, my individual accounts at the bank have a TOD/POD (each institution uses different wording) designated. This stands for "transfer on death" or "payable on death" immediately to the person named. This keeps your funds from being tied up in a worse case scenario & allows your beneficiary to have immediate access. You can name your husband, a sibling, your child (be careful of minor children) or whoever you trust to use the funds for the right reasons in the case of an emergency... this way they don't get tied up in an estate issue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 37
Thank you everyone! I know we all hate to be doing things like this but we have to make sure that our kids & ourselves are taken care of & not let their manipulation doubt our motives in any way shape or form!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
You got it! Does he communicate with you about the money as it is now? Could you trust him to give you the money each pay period? May be time to start cutting back to just the things that you know you could cover with only your income and leaving yourself some breathing room, so to speak, for savings?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
I have friends that this is an issue for, for the same reasons.
My two cents:
(1) Open an account separate from his, one that he has no access to. You can certainly squirrel away enough that he wouldn't notice (yes it sounds dishonest, and perhaps is, but you gotta do what you gotta do)
(2) If he would have access to any retirement accounts you might have, remove him. Keep him as beneficiary if you want, but change passwords, etc. One friend had her IRA wiped out by her addict husband.
(3) I don't think you mentioned who does the bill paying and household banking, but you should be doing it. As an alcoholic myself, I screwed up our finances several times by over paying a bill or paying one twice (in one case it was three times !). Thankfully I had not reached the point of outright stealing, but the damage was still done.
(4) Late in my addiction and in early sobriety, my wife gave me an "allowance," a given amount each week and that was it. It worked for us, and after sobriety, I learned just how little I need to get by each week without paying for my addiction.
Good luck to you
My two cents:
(1) Open an account separate from his, one that he has no access to. You can certainly squirrel away enough that he wouldn't notice (yes it sounds dishonest, and perhaps is, but you gotta do what you gotta do)
(2) If he would have access to any retirement accounts you might have, remove him. Keep him as beneficiary if you want, but change passwords, etc. One friend had her IRA wiped out by her addict husband.
(3) I don't think you mentioned who does the bill paying and household banking, but you should be doing it. As an alcoholic myself, I screwed up our finances several times by over paying a bill or paying one twice (in one case it was three times !). Thankfully I had not reached the point of outright stealing, but the damage was still done.
(4) Late in my addiction and in early sobriety, my wife gave me an "allowance," a given amount each week and that was it. It worked for us, and after sobriety, I learned just how little I need to get by each week without paying for my addiction.
Good luck to you
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by grayghost1965
I have friends that this is an issue for, for the same reasons.
My two cents:
(1) Open an account separate from his, one that he has no access to. You can certainly squirrel away enough that he wouldn't notice (yes it sounds dishonest, and perhaps is, but you gotta do what you gotta do)
(2) If he would have access to any retirement accounts you might have, remove him. Keep him as beneficiary if you want, but change passwords, etc. One friend had her IRA wiped out by her addict husband.
(3) I don't think you mentioned who does the bill paying and household banking, but you should be doing it. As an alcoholic myself, I screwed up our finances several times by over paying a bill or paying one twice (in one case it was three times !). Thankfully I had not reached the point of outright stealing, but the damage was still done.
(4) Late in my addiction and in early sobriety, my wife gave me an "allowance," a given amount each week and that was it. It worked for us, and after sobriety, I learned just how little I need to get by each week without paying for my addiction.
Good luck to you
My two cents:
(1) Open an account separate from his, one that he has no access to. You can certainly squirrel away enough that he wouldn't notice (yes it sounds dishonest, and perhaps is, but you gotta do what you gotta do)
(2) If he would have access to any retirement accounts you might have, remove him. Keep him as beneficiary if you want, but change passwords, etc. One friend had her IRA wiped out by her addict husband.
(3) I don't think you mentioned who does the bill paying and household banking, but you should be doing it. As an alcoholic myself, I screwed up our finances several times by over paying a bill or paying one twice (in one case it was three times !). Thankfully I had not reached the point of outright stealing, but the damage was still done.
(4) Late in my addiction and in early sobriety, my wife gave me an "allowance," a given amount each week and that was it. It worked for us, and after sobriety, I learned just how little I need to get by each week without paying for my addiction.
Good luck to you
Protecting oneself financially against the damage done by addictive behavior is not dishonest... it is being true to yourself. In many cases, financially you should divest yourself of him as you can... as mentioned, removing access to accounts which are just yours, cancelling joint credit cards and opening your own, etc... Also, watch where you keep your purse/wallet and any money your children have. My wife unfortunately stole from our kids to feed her habit.
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