Frustrated47

By all reasonable accounts I shouldn't want anything to do with my ex alcoholic, drug and sex addicted boyfriend of 2 years.
He's stolen my cash, credit card, grams oxy, smashed things, gotten physically violent, lied, and cheated and put sex ads online.

Yet he was also incredibly Kind, helpful, sweet and loving.
Cooked, cleaned, rubbed my back, foot rubs, run me a bath & bring wine, etc.
Plus I felt good about myself being with him. He's 20 years younger and drop dead gorgeous.

I broke things off but he continued to contact me everyday. First thing when he woke up, throughout the day, last thing before bed. We continued to spend time together and be intimate.

Intimacy was the best I've ever experienced in my lifetime, hands down, not even close.

I've gone out on a few dates with men my own age hoping to heal and forget, but it's not working.

I have found out that my ex had slept with four Women Within a two-week period. Did I say he was gorgeous?
Found out one of the girls was barely 18.

Good gracious what is wrong with me and why am I having such an issue walking away and forgetting him and moving on to someone else?

It's Ludacris. The mother of the 18 year old told me that he and her daughter were doing heroin together. So obviously he is no longer clean and sober.

Maudcat

Hi, Frustrated.
Probably don’t have to tell you that he is using you.
And probably using the four women with whom he slept.
And the way he is able to do this is to love bomb you with the whole intimacy/sex thing.
Sounds like a page straight out of the addict’s playbook.
You can’t like being used. No one does.
But....it won’t change unless you change it.
Walk away, block him, and live your life.
There is nothing quite so useless as a useless man.

Troubledone

One of the things that helped me in similar situations is to try to observe myself, very kindly, very gently, but with clarity.

It sounds like you are beginning to do this. To notice how wonderful the "high" is when he is validating you or showing you affection. And the "low" of his neglect, abuse and betrayal. He is a lover like drugs are a lover - they make you feel so wonderful and then crash a person to the ground. And it is this very cycle that "hooks" us Codependents. Us codependents sometimes like to think we are not addicts because our "drug" (the addict) is not illegal.

But it is so very important to be gentle with yourself. You are "hooked" because we all desperately need love. Most of us became codependent "honestly" because of deprivation in our past.

Just like an addict needs recovery, so do we. I have found that finding true love - the love that comes from my HP and healthy people is hard to find and not as exhilarating as the high from my addict. It is like an addict choosing the simple pleasure of a good meal over their drug... it takes a while to shift the appreciation to satisfaction that does not leave a hangover in its wake.

My hope for you is that you can find help for yourself to fill the void that your addict fills when he is hooking you so that you can step back and see the whole picture. It is hard to see the whole picture if you don't have some kind of love and support to sustain you while you unpack it.

Please keep coming back, read everything you can and I hope you can find a Naranon, Alanon or codependents anonymous meeting. they really are wonderful people who can sustain you in your struggle.

Blessings...

zoso77

Frustrated...

Allow me to gently suggest you don't want to forget him. If you did, then that would mean you'd learn nothing from your experience with him. And I don't think you want that.

My AXGF was also tremendous in the wrapper. It was frequent, and it was fantastic at the time. But when I look back at it now, it leaves me cold. Why? Because people like her and your AXBF use intimacy as a weapon. Paraphrasing Oscar Wilde, everything in this world is about sex, except sex...sex is about power. When it was over, I didn't want to be intimate with anyone, and I wasn't until, 4 years later, I got together with my future wife.

So use this time to see what lessons you can draw from this. Accept that you're not going to feel all that great for a while. Become comfortable being alone. And when the time is right, however long it takes, you'll be able to share that intimacy with someone again. When you do, treasure it. Nurture it. Appreciate it. But for now, allow yourself to mend.

HardLessons

Frustrated

Above you described your ex BF as follows: "alcoholic, drug and sex addicted boyfriend of 2 years. He's stolen my cash, credit card, grams oxy, smashed things, gotten physically violent, lied, and cheated and put sex ads online, & a heroine addict"

Good looks & good in the sack, in my opinion, does not in any way shape or form, offset the negatives.

I think you need to focus on the reality of your situation. FYI I had to do the same. My addict was gorgeous too.

Frustrated47

Really. THANK you all for caring enough to help a stranger and post your advice.
Intellectually I know where my codependent ways come from, but it doesn't help.
I also realize that at many points he was just using me.
Then my insecurity comes out and looks at his 6 pack abs and male model good looks and fears losing the so called high I got from being with him and convincing myself that since he was choosing to be with me instead of the hundreds of other women/girls I'm sure he could choose from, somehow that meant something.
Ok. Yes. I realize how stupid it sounds, but internally it is what it is.

I teared up just reading these. THANK YOU so much for caring enough to reply.
I can't seem to kick him out of my thoughts.

I did message him last night saying that he could sleep with who he wants but he may not steal from me and just walk away. I said am I coming to pick you up from work so we can hit an ATM and you can give me my cash back? It is not okay to steal from me. You teach people how to treat you. So that means I cannot just let this go because if I do it signals to you that stealing from me is okay, and it's not. I also told him not to make me take this where he doesn't want me to take it. Of course he never responded. I figured he would after I said well I was hoping to still be friends and or have sex but if you cannot do the right thing and pay me back the money you STOLE.....
Since he is a sex addict I was hoping that the carrot on a stick of commitment free sex would be enough for him to contact me back and try and use me for that and then I would pick him up and force him to either get out of the car or let me take him to an ATM to get my cash back. He gets paid on Thursdays so I know he has it.

I was hoping to feel a win by getting my cash back from him, but apparently he was smarter than what I was trying to do.

I know I need to go no contact and run but it's so hard when you feel like you're addicted to the person. Like they say one day at a time right?

PuzzledHeart

But if he can get commitment free sex from someone else for free, why would he get back to you?

With that someone else, her guard won't be up, so he can steal money from her too.

And unless you can physically force him to give you money, he most likely won't give it to you. And you can't physically force him, because that would be a felony.

Your time would be better spent contacting the credit bureaus to make sure he hasn't issued any credit cards in your name. Take steps to make sure that he hasn't stolen your identity, and if it were me, implement a credit freeze so he can't use your information in the future.

I like 6 pack abs and model looks just like any straight gal, but when I was looking for a partner, I didn't necessarily seek that out. I wanted a guy who shared my interests.

What are your interests? What do you like to do when no one else is around? Get to know yourself first.

OpheliaKatz

If someone is going to steal from you, they won't be honest enough to return the money. They have no good intentions towards you and they prove it by stealing. Returning the money shows respect and good intentions. They don't have that. He's also not interested in friendship and sex with you -- sorry. That sex was for him; he gets a kick out of how well he can perform in the sack and this is why there are so many women. After he uses them, he can also steal from them. In his mind, it's a win and he doesn't care if his sexual partners lose... which is why they are interchangeable. The sex also chemically bonds his sexual partners to him, so it makes his end goal of using them easier for him.

Sex and friendship are not a carrot on a stick for him (they might be for you, though). If you want to draw him, you have to put cash on that stick. Since you're on to the fact that he steals, you're not likely to see him again unless he thinks he can still tap you for money... and NOT pay you back.

You are not going to get any money back from him just as I am not going to get any money back from my stbxAH. I have lost well over 20-grand from being with an addict and a decade of my precious time. So please, just cut him off already. You can't expect a con-artist to be honest because they don't value honesty. What you can do is report him to the police if you gather enough proof. The other thing you can do right now is focus on something that is not him. For example, start a project that has nothing to do with him and every time you start thinking about him, distract yourself with your project. You could start a vegetable patch, a knitting project, learn to rock climb, start training for a marathon, get a dog... etc. Also, maybe you might consider seeking face to face therapy because you have been through a lot of stress.

teatreeoil007

You may never get your money back. But there are more worthwhile things you can get back or get if you never had them in the first place.

SparkleKitty

It's not a "so-called" high, it's just a plain old high.

You are addicted to this person. This is why you keep putting yourself in the line of fire for more pain, rejection, and theft.

How you stop hurting, how you forget them is to do whatever you have to do to stop reaching out for more hurt, more high, and more opportunity for him to use you. You move on by accepting that this person has nothing to offer you except more long-term misery, self-doubt and shame.

Maudcat

Agree with everyone above, Frustrated.
You won’t get that money back, so write it off and move on, yeah?
Also, protect your financial information.
Close accounts he might have access to, do a credit freeze, maybe even invest in a financial locking program, like Lifelock.
Sorry it has come to this. Take good care.

AnvilheadII

please begin to have more self respect than to offer sex in order to get money back. i'll give you sex if you give me money has a bit of a tawdry theme, eh?

forget the money. forget him.

johnnie360

I understand. My XAG just like everyones was beautiful. Its been very hard sucking up being ALONE while she certainly gets every need met by a slew of addicts.

I am a good looking guy with low self confidence. And I finally after many years understood that its time for me to attract what I want by becoming what I need to be.

I understand that I do not have what it takes to attract a beautiful inside and out woman in my current status. As hard as it is I need to work on myself in order to not only attract what I want, but to be able to handle it when it arrives.

So for once in my life I am staying single because I simply know that I just wont attract and be able to keep what I want.

Basically I have started to hit the gym. And take it serious. I also go hiking on my off days for a good cardio workout. I am focusing first on my body until I can get into therapy to work out my issues.

Just going to the gym a few weeks now has boosted my confidence since it was hard to get through the door. Now I feel like I belong there, and plan on going as much as I can. I started hitting the sauna, tanning. Things I have always wanted to do for myself I never did. I chose to kick my can down the road instead of getting it right.

When I think about her and hurt over what she is doing, I take that to the gym and workout, knowing I AM DOING the right thing while she is just feeding her addiction. I look around at the lovely ladies and think that I want to someday have an awesome woman who is about what I am about, and getting healthy is the only way to do that. This time this stuff is sticking.

My ex was an illusion, and I was rotten to her because of my own problems and her problems. I am dead set on becoming who I know that I am and finally getting the confidence to enter into a real realationship with a real woman who takes care of herself and doesnt need drugs and rescuing when I wasnt even able to rescue myself.

The nights are the hardest, because damn it I love her. I really do. I ache over what shes doing. I feel alone. Normally id seek a companion, but Im so screwed up that only she would do. But I am now fully wise enough to know with us both like we are it will be awful.

So when I am alone and aching I try to think about the heroin and meth and how awful it is and how theres NO hope in life with that active addiction. I think about how much shes changed since heroin. I tell myself I am idealizing her because I was ALWAYS miserable with her living only for the fanatasy of her being off drugs. Then I look at the grim statistics and understand that most addicts never get clean. Then I think about the GYM again, and how I know what I gotta do to get myself ready to recieve my ex in someone new, who is not on drugs. That motivates me to get up in the morning and workout. If I am sore and need to recover from yesterdays workout, I will try to finf something I can do to get some exercise to push me closer to the confidence I need.

Imagine this illusive partner that is not in your life yet. Think of all your goals and interests and imagine that partner doing those things with you. Imagine having a focused partner sharing in life with you, not robbing you both of it.

Its hard and I suffer everyday, but thats what I try so hard to do when I am hurting.

johnnie360

Oh another thing which may sound selfish. Compare your pain. Take your compassion off of him as a sick person and just think of him as a junky. He is just out getting high, doing what addicts do. Imagine the pain had this relationship ended completely by your hands, and he was healthy. Imagine him entering into another relationship and it being wonderful while you are screwed up. Its easier pain to deal with I think.

Success is the best revenge. You be the best you. I be the best me, and I bet we will end up coming out on top. If you still love him, go no conatct and workon yourself. Who knows maybe he will get clean and you guys have a shot when that happens. Working on yourself as hard and painful as it is will put you either ready to embrace a new awesome person, or give you the strength to handle the hard road of reconcilaition. Just thoughts.

teatreeoil007

Took me a few rodeos and getting bucked off a time or two to realize that just because someone is gorgeous, charming, sexy and has a six pack doesn't mean that won't get old REAL QUICK if they don't treat you right, if they take your money, take your time, and manage to be doing something similar with others besides you. At first you are just flattered by the attention, maybe. When you find out some things, you realize what you had with him ain't that special. Looks don't mean much to me. It's what's inside that counts. The thing is, you can be fooled into believing what's inside is okay/good when really, it stinks. Sometimes people equate sex with love and devotion. But for a younger guy like that who is also an addict including a sex addict; he has shown his true colors. He is devoted to his addictions, plural. Sorry to say. I'm sure he was/is attracted to you. You're obviously an attractive lady. As we get older, we wonder if we've still got it...a guy like that comes along and POW...whomps you over the head so you don't know what hit you. You will heal from this. You will not likely ever forget it...but maybe that's a good thing.....

teatreeoil007

This is not a "slam" against younger men. I know plenty of nice young men...who are attracted to older women...and have shown themselves to be good partners. But, he ain't that way, according to all you've shared. I always loved that movie "Sense and Sensibility". In it the lead gal (Kate Winslet) falls head over heals in love with a real cutie pie ; a real charmer...then finds out he's out playing with various ladies of the night and she is crushed. Then along comes another man who is not a big charmer at first (Alan Rickman), but who befriends her and spends special time with her, reads her poetry and is sensitive and caring....just what she needs to heal her broken heart....but by someone at first thought unlikely to do so.....think about it.