PinkPanther08

I was doing perfectly fine until a guy I went out with not too long ago texted me and I responded and he said how are you bad girl? And I couldn't remember the details of the night or how I got home. I thought I had left him and I knew it was a drunken night and I was at a place where some old coworkers from years ago still worked in a club environment.

I knew it was wild.

But he called, asked how I was.

If I was working and acted as if nothing too much wrong and then he said.

You need to stop drinking.

Did you find your car yet? Letting me know I guess I probably forgot I took an uber.... (unfortunately this is the second time I have been unable to find some thing)

And I said I did stop drinking and he wanted to know when.

I extended it a bit, lol but he went on to say I can't go out with you any more if you drink.

Of course, I don't know what happened and I guess I don't want to but it was a trigger for me.

It should be the opposite but it is a trigger.

I am not going to drink. I am going to run some errands. I am going to drive all the way to the place that I suggested that we have lunch and just have lunch despite I have been trying to be vegan.

Apparently I've embarrassed myself to the point that he doesn't even want to take me to lunch.

And makes me realized what happened with the last guy who seemed like everything was ok but just drifted off after it was clear that he liked me.

I am going to keep busy, run errands, get stuck in traffic, I made some green juice and plan to go to yoga. I suppose I should be at a meeting but that might send me over the edge. AA meetings are often triggers for me for some reason.

Thanks for reading.

tomsteve

its not the events that are triggers but the feelings and emotions brought on by the events.

DarklingSong

You are focussing on staying sober.....thats the right thing to do. Don't let anyone divert you. Right now all that matters is doing the right thing for you.
Take care of yourself.

ChloeRose63

You need to calm down. Whatever happened is in the past.

Anna

I think you're doing the right thing by focusing on what you can do to stay sober. I think you experienced something many of us do when we're drinking, in that you don't realize how obvious your drinking is to others. Use this a positive thing to help you stay on course.

lessgravity

I coming to the place where the idea of triggers is just my AV giving me an out to possibly drink.

It didn't take a tragedy for me to drink.

It didn't take a success for me to drink.

Tuesday? OK, drink.
Bookstore? Ok, drink.
Sunny out? Rainy?

It's one thing to identify the urge when it comes knocking. It's another to give it any credence whatsoever.

entropy1964

Shame. Been there. Ugh. I don't know too many addicts, especially the alcoholic kind, that haven't done some pretty crazy shlit when plowed. Dangerous too. Really dangerous. Oh my Gosh if I really think back (I'm old) its pretty darn scary the stuff I've done. I guess I'm saying, you aren't alone.

BUT, that was then. This is NOW. You and I never have to do anything stupid, scary, shameful, dangerous or crazy again. We can set our boundaries, decide our values and stick to them. How cool is that? We don't ever have to be 'that' person again.

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it". I learned that in AA. Cool huh? Don't let the past be a trigger. Own it. Accept it. Forgive yourself. Otherwise, it owns you.

Mummyto2

That's what drink does, we get drunk feel bad, drink to numb it, then do something else shameful, and there we have it round and round in circles, it's horrible, but we must stay strong and sober for a better peaceful life good luck

Gottalife

A thing I notice with some newcomers is that alcoholic defiance. Still fighting everybody and everything. "I am dying of a terminal illness and I desperately need help to recover, and let me tell you exactly what help I need" kinda thing.

So we struggle along in what we believe is the right direction and some bozo comes along and says "you need to stop drinking" How dare they? I already know that, what a cheek. Much the same in AA. If the meeting is any good, we are going to be hearing what we need to do to recover and that may conflict with what we think we need to do to recover, and worse may indicate that we will have to do something we don't want to do. How dare they again?

aasharon90

Harboring resentments became one
of many reasons why I remained sick
in my alcohol addiction. With continued
maintenance on a daily bases, today i
am armed with helpful recovery tools
and knowledge taught to me and learned
over the yrs, that I am able to recognize many
triggers and avoid reaching for a poison
that could and would take me out.

There is nothing, no person, place
or thing in todays world bad enough
to make me want to have my misery
refunded back to me with drinking
again. Nothing.

Wastinglife

I ruined many budding relationships with my drinking. I usually hold it together for the first 3 or 4 dates before I do something stupid and the woman realizes I have a drinking problem. All they have to do is scratch the surface and they will see huge red flags. What they don't realize though is I was drinking the whole time from our initial Tinder messages, texting/phone calls and every single date. I was drunk when I made the date and drunk when I showed up. They never really met the real me. I only every use Tinder when I'm drinking. Not a good way to find a partner. Most of these girls I dated finally had enough of my bullsh*t and wisely broke it off.

Delizadee

I found AA meetings sometimes triggering at the beginning, too. Not so much a trigger to drink but a trigger of a tidal wave of emotions I wasn't ready and didn't know how to face.
I learned to listen, do the "take what you want, and leave the rest"

One of the first meetings I went to in this town I sat in my vehicle and cried for a good 15 minutes after, absolutely bawled. A very prominent lady in AA had come up and introduced herself to me and asked me a bit about myself. At the time I was still drinking, albeit not much, and I admitted as much to her. She told me point blank, "You need to get your sh*t together."
I was shocked. I didn't know this lady from a hole in the wall.
That is the only thing I took away from that meeting.
Like, thanks Sherlock, I had no clue.
So, I had a drink to feel better. Straight back to the merry go round.


Keep doing what you're doing. It will get better if you keep working at it and taking care of yourself. Shame is one of our enemies, like resentment. It's in the past, it can't be undone, but every moment from here on out you get to call the shots now, not the alcohol.
Play the game smart and play it well. There are nuggets of wisdom to be found everywhere in recovery and also, the more you listen, the more you work on yourself, you will find it's like peeling back layers of an onion.

Stay strong

Dee74

Hi PP

I know its hard but try and let all that go - that is who you were, not who you are now, or who you want to be

D

PinkPanther08

Thank you all for all of your wisdom and advice. I was able to get out and run a ton of errands.

I don't know what I did. But what I know is that I am hearing it more and more often. I ran into my car dealer at a bar not too long ago and he sent me a message asking if I was ok and then when I spoke to him about something unrelated he asked how much did you have to drink that night. In my mind, I thought I was drunk but just having a good time. The odd thing is I was taking shots when I was brokering the deal with him. And the guy that I thought I had a connection with that kind of triggered this all because I wasn't really drinking when I met him didn't say anything but more or less showed me with his actions. And I just replayed all the circumstance that didn't work out. Everyone wonders how in the world I am not married and now I have my reality

I tell myself that I can get this together, stay sober, regain my health because the more research that I do about a fairly mild ailment can be attributed to my liver and hormones.

Reasons for stagnant weight loss being more than just all the calories from alcohol I was consuming.

I am even fearful that my psychologist has cut me off because he called to follow up about something and I wasn't in the best shape. I've called him 3 times for an appointment and he hasn't called me back. My job is dependent on me seeing a therapist.

So I am two steps above rock bottom.

Thanks everyone...

Everything is so fragile that now that I've put my fingers at the top of the soil to dig myself out of this hole. I am not going to just let go.

PinkPanther08

I made it to day 3. I went to my yoga class and for the moment was able to put my past mistakes behind me. There is nothing to salvage with the men but I have about 4 friends that still love and believe in me but have just created distance because while I drank they went on to have children and get married but when I hit a low they all came together for me and I will write letters to them.

soberclover

I like the saying "One Day At A Time". It was important for me to try to stay focused on the day and in the moment rather then letting my mind wander in to the past or the future. I like the idea of you having a plan of what you are going to do for the chunk of the day.

Delizadee

You have lots of friends here who understand and will always be here for support Pink Panther
I'm glad you were able to give yourself a brief reprieve. Keep working at it, and it will get better. Take good care of yourself.

LunaBlue

Something the leader at my local Smart Recovery says that sticks with me is, “There is no room for guilt and shame here.”

We could all sit and dwell on the terrible things we did while messed up and it really wouldn’t get us anywhere. While we don’t want to entirely forget them because they help to remind us who we are not, obsessing over them only leads to misery. And misery is not conducive to sobriety.

Keep doing the next right thing. Move forward. Hugs.

Berrybean

Well, me personally, I'm not surprised that your reaction to that was to think of taking a drink. It would have stirred some emotions up (resentment at being judged perhaps, and probably some fear around what others might be thinking about me as well as that guy). Like I say though - maybe that's just me... And my instant reaction to those feelings would be to wanna bubble wrap myself up so I couldn't be hurt by those feelings.

This is exactly why my prayers that I use daily in recovery centre around this kind of fear. Here are my two favourites (apologies to those who've seen these before, but they really do make a difference to my state of mind as I go out into the world each day.) The days I don't find time, or forget to say these prayers tend to be the more rattley ones for me....




God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.
Lord, please open my eyes and ears, and help me to recognise my inner child and not act on its whims and fears.

AMEN.



God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

Amen


BB

LBrain

When the wife told me to stop drinking it triggered me to drink more. Funny how that seems to affect many of us...

I'll show her! I drank at her many times.