Need help with triggers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Need help with triggers
I feel like I'm heading toward a relapse (and almost want one just to satisfy cravings). I'm at 2 months but it has been hard fought. First month in in-patient rehab and I loved it. In fact, taking a trip back there this weekend for a refresher.
Which leads me into my next trigger, my main one. Husband. We are getting a divorce though no filing yet. In the same house though I've been at my 'rents half the time due to stress/illness. I've had horrible migraines since leaving rehab a month ago and some is stress. I'm sick of getting accused of drinking because of migraines. But I'm also sick of finances and alienation being used against me.
I know this is for a lawyer, whom I'm talking with, and a therapist, whom I'm seeing. AA is in the picture too. But I keep getting bombarded. Ex: Husband taking son on spring break trip though we don't have the money and I continually mentioned that. Did it behind my back and planned with his family. Took money from our account to pay. Does this a lot. ADVICE? I can't stop it, but I want to stop the triggers it brings on.
Which leads me into my next trigger, my main one. Husband. We are getting a divorce though no filing yet. In the same house though I've been at my 'rents half the time due to stress/illness. I've had horrible migraines since leaving rehab a month ago and some is stress. I'm sick of getting accused of drinking because of migraines. But I'm also sick of finances and alienation being used against me.
I know this is for a lawyer, whom I'm talking with, and a therapist, whom I'm seeing. AA is in the picture too. But I keep getting bombarded. Ex: Husband taking son on spring break trip though we don't have the money and I continually mentioned that. Did it behind my back and planned with his family. Took money from our account to pay. Does this a lot. ADVICE? I can't stop it, but I want to stop the triggers it brings on.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Babescake. It is a rought time you are having. You have plenty of advice, the lawyer for the divorce, the therapist and AA, so perhaps my advice is to act on their advice.
AA is my area of experience. Once I had worked the first few steps I realised tha bthere was nothing out there causing me to drink. I had an illness that no one else could control. Not my fault but the essential thing was that it is an inside job.
My obsession to drink arose out of my inability to handle life. It wasn't always conflict in the sense you are facing, just unable to get on and relate to people wihtout getting hurt, feeling resentful, or hurting someone else. It was an unhappy way to live and I found relief in the bottle. That was where I thought happiness and fun came from.
I did not suffer from triggers. IME they don't exist. Life circumstances do not control or cause loss of control of drinking. I guess we all have said if only such and such would happen, I wouldn't need to drink. Lets say if I had no money problems. Then go and ask a group of drunks if they drink when they have money problems. All the hands will go up. Then ask if they drank when they had plenty of money, all hands will go up again. Good job, bad job, good relationship, bad relationship and so on. None of these external things had anything to do with drinking.
Alcoholism was behind the drinking and it is active whether we are drinking or dry. I drank until I had to stop, and I stopped until I had to drink. That didn't change until I sincerely got started on the steps. Then it changed rapidly.
AA is my area of experience. Once I had worked the first few steps I realised tha bthere was nothing out there causing me to drink. I had an illness that no one else could control. Not my fault but the essential thing was that it is an inside job.
My obsession to drink arose out of my inability to handle life. It wasn't always conflict in the sense you are facing, just unable to get on and relate to people wihtout getting hurt, feeling resentful, or hurting someone else. It was an unhappy way to live and I found relief in the bottle. That was where I thought happiness and fun came from.
I did not suffer from triggers. IME they don't exist. Life circumstances do not control or cause loss of control of drinking. I guess we all have said if only such and such would happen, I wouldn't need to drink. Lets say if I had no money problems. Then go and ask a group of drunks if they drink when they have money problems. All the hands will go up. Then ask if they drank when they had plenty of money, all hands will go up again. Good job, bad job, good relationship, bad relationship and so on. None of these external things had anything to do with drinking.
Alcoholism was behind the drinking and it is active whether we are drinking or dry. I drank until I had to stop, and I stopped until I had to drink. That didn't change until I sincerely got started on the steps. Then it changed rapidly.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Babescake 
I understand that lots of us have triggers, things that set us off, make us scared or angry, remind us of other times, and generally lead us to want the medicine we always used.
We can't do that anymore.
The good news is you can absolutely deal with triggers without drinking,. It may not be always graceful but it doesn't have to be,. As long as we stay clean and sober, thats a win
The more triggers you face sober, the more capable we get, the more we grow and the less difficulty we'll have the next time and the next.
Don;t fall for the line that the only thing that will work here is alcohol, or that you're building up the relapse you 'had' to have.
Neither of those things are true.
D
I understand that lots of us have triggers, things that set us off, make us scared or angry, remind us of other times, and generally lead us to want the medicine we always used.
We can't do that anymore.
The good news is you can absolutely deal with triggers without drinking,. It may not be always graceful but it doesn't have to be,. As long as we stay clean and sober, thats a win
The more triggers you face sober, the more capable we get, the more we grow and the less difficulty we'll have the next time and the next.
Don;t fall for the line that the only thing that will work here is alcohol, or that you're building up the relapse you 'had' to have.
Neither of those things are true.
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Agree with Carl, you're doing awesome. 
It took me a long time, but ultimately I realized I didn't want to be the guy who knew how to artfully avoid all triggers. I want to be the guy who can deal effectively with my triggers. Wherever and whenever they appear. That takes practice.
So - looking on the bright side - you're getting a lot of practice.
It took me a long time, but ultimately I realized I didn't want to be the guy who knew how to artfully avoid all triggers. I want to be the guy who can deal effectively with my triggers. Wherever and whenever they appear. That takes practice.
So - looking on the bright side - you're getting a lot of practice.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I think staying with your folks and away from the situation for now would be a very good idea. I also would highly suggest you get a solid recovery plan in place, especially with a divorce with children involved pending.
Going to rehab is just the first step, afterwards most go to about 6 months of IOP then continued follow up with AA. You can also look into going into sober living which I would speak to the rehab center about when you go there.
Not only will this give you a stable environment to stay sober, it will also be extremely important to show the courts that are you serious about your sobriety and to keep it that way, other than just winging it, which will show poorly and might lead to getting taken to the cleaners.
Going to rehab is just the first step, afterwards most go to about 6 months of IOP then continued follow up with AA. You can also look into going into sober living which I would speak to the rehab center about when you go there.
Not only will this give you a stable environment to stay sober, it will also be extremely important to show the courts that are you serious about your sobriety and to keep it that way, other than just winging it, which will show poorly and might lead to getting taken to the cleaners.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I can't stop it, but I want to stop the triggers it brings on.
i hope what youre referring to by "stop the triggers that bring it on" is the feelings/emotions that occur. sure cant stop an asshat from being an asshat.
what you can do is start using your backbone. yup, you have made mistakes. you have confessed that. and now youre working to get away from what the person was- youre becoming a new person.
we grovel before no one and are nobodies doormat.
something i learned that can stop crap is not engaging. let em whirl.
ya know, with hubby and son away for a bit, maybe you can start looking for employement? maybe look into some volunteer work to get ya out of the house for some time?
i hope what youre referring to by "stop the triggers that bring it on" is the feelings/emotions that occur. sure cant stop an asshat from being an asshat.
what you can do is start using your backbone. yup, you have made mistakes. you have confessed that. and now youre working to get away from what the person was- youre becoming a new person.
we grovel before no one and are nobodies doormat.
something i learned that can stop crap is not engaging. let em whirl.
ya know, with hubby and son away for a bit, maybe you can start looking for employement? maybe look into some volunteer work to get ya out of the house for some time?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 394
Tomsteve, I have had a few interviews already for part-time jobs as I'm easing my way back into things and I'm waiting to hear back. Getting a job is definitely a priority right now, after recovery of course.
Doing better today. Will try and hit meetings each day they are gone to avoid being at home all alone. Thanks everyone.
Doing better today. Will try and hit meetings each day they are gone to avoid being at home all alone. Thanks everyone.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sounds like you are handling things pretty well to me Babes - 2 months is fantastic. Like Dee says though, it's not so much that Sobriety will make the world around us change - but it will make dealing with all the bad stuff a LOT easier. Because unfortunately there are always "triggers" - life is just not always easy or fair. There will always be problems to deal with, even when the current ones are solved.
I'm glad you are staying in close touch with your rehab facility and also meetings. Regarding your home situation, if being at your parents helps and it's an option i'd strongly consider it.
I'm glad you are staying in close touch with your rehab facility and also meetings. Regarding your home situation, if being at your parents helps and it's an option i'd strongly consider it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you might consider a trip to the doctor regarding the cascading migraines? that would be a positive action to take.
i'm not sure of your son's age, but is it possible you could take him with you when you go to your parents? maybe work out an arrangement of every other week or something?
your husband has his own agenda. it would be great if you two could manage to have a reasonable discussion and come to some agreements, if only temporary.
but above all, drinking will not help any of this. there are many other better ways to deal with life stuff. take positive steps.
i'm not sure of your son's age, but is it possible you could take him with you when you go to your parents? maybe work out an arrangement of every other week or something?
your husband has his own agenda. it would be great if you two could manage to have a reasonable discussion and come to some agreements, if only temporary.
but above all, drinking will not help any of this. there are many other better ways to deal with life stuff. take positive steps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
BC ... look at how far you've come! 2 months is amazing. I don't know anything about triggers. From reading your post, the word that comes to my mind is toxic. Your current home life does not sound healthy for you. If you had a temporary visitation schedule in place for your son and a way to separate your finances that could ease the unpredictability of your day to day life. I just wanted to offer encouragement and support. Keep to the high road!
GM
GM
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I hope the "tune up" at rehab gives you some rest and fresh inspiration.
Maybe their medical staff can give you some help figuring out the headaches.
I agree with others that home situation is not ideal for you right now.
You will need to be able to co-parent with your spouse in a peaceful way eventually,
but the wounds seem pretty fresh on both sides at the moment.
Space and time can really help this. Hope you and lawyer can find a way to make that happen.
Give yourself some credit and self-love here--you are doing everything you can
right now to be sober and to make things right in your life.
People who haven't actually overcome addiction don't always understand
how damn hard it is minute to minute and day by day.
But if you keep moving forward in both sobriety and recovery, no matter what happens, you'll find a shift
in mind and spirit that will make staying sober not only easier, but a wonderful life change.
You and your kids deserve that. You are earning it for all of you right now.
Be proud of that. We are.
Maybe their medical staff can give you some help figuring out the headaches.
I agree with others that home situation is not ideal for you right now.
You will need to be able to co-parent with your spouse in a peaceful way eventually,
but the wounds seem pretty fresh on both sides at the moment.
Space and time can really help this. Hope you and lawyer can find a way to make that happen.
Give yourself some credit and self-love here--you are doing everything you can
right now to be sober and to make things right in your life.
People who haven't actually overcome addiction don't always understand
how damn hard it is minute to minute and day by day.
But if you keep moving forward in both sobriety and recovery, no matter what happens, you'll find a shift
in mind and spirit that will make staying sober not only easier, but a wonderful life change.
You and your kids deserve that. You are earning it for all of you right now.
Be proud of that. We are.
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