Al31

Not sure if this topic is allowed but definitely something on my mind!! I've never had sex with someone for the first time sober.

Anyway I live in a holiday resort and a friend of a friend (whose visiting) fancies me. If anything would happen it would just be a one off thing. Which (dont judge) is something I'd like and in the old days I'd just get drunk and get on with it. Right now it seems too scary to do it sober.

Any thoughts??

Gottalife

No problem with a roll in the hay for two consenting adults. An actual relationship though, requires a bit more circumspection.

tomsteve

Right now it seems too scary to do it sober.

Any thoughts??

you already have the gut feeling of what to do and what not to do.

sweetichick

I feel your not sure then don't try sober. It could end up not working out.

DreamCatcher17

You'll be having sober sex in the future, I'm sure of it, so why not practice on someone you may not see again? Ha!

wastedpotential

If your newly sober you'll probably finish very quickly. Which could be a little embarrassing if your used to lasting a long time cuz of booze. Other than that go for sex is way better sober than drunk.

Cosima11

Honestly sober sex has been nothing but beneficial for me.. although it's only been with someone who I care about and is respectful of my not drinking. Second part is non-negotiable.

xxxNICHOLExxx

Sry but I had to laugh at this!!! But on a serious note my advice probably get me into trouble but if it’s something you want to do just go with it let the other one take control and go from there best wishes stay safe don’t be silly wrap the willy!!

Eaglelizard

Some funny comments here. Most people seem to think that everything just improves with sobriety, which stands to reason. As for myself, I probably only realized about 3 months after getting sober that I had literally not had intercourse while completely sober in about 20 years -- always with a nice buzz, at times completely schnockered, other times still feeling cheerful the morning after. It is different and to me, it feels like something is missing. Just my .02, maybe I'm strange.

Dustitoffman

I've got a headache!😂😂😂

LBrain

Alcohol lowers our inhibitions. Things we wouldn't think of doing 'sober' we might not even question when drunk. To quote an old song, "The girls all get prettier at closing time." Or the more famous line from a different song, "Why don't we get drunk and..."

The 'act' of sex when drunk was just a 'thing'. Now, as a sober person, some put more thought into it - the consequences, will I actually "perform" okay, what will the other person 'think' about me etc. Most one night stands are a product of alcohol induced decisions - think about it.

Our outlook on many things changes after we sober up.

If you need to get laid, go for it. If somehow your moral compass has swung in a different direction, then only you can answer that question.
As long as you are okay with casual encounters, it shouldn't matter. But don't beat yourself up wondering about it AFTER the fact.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's entirely up to you, but if you are doubting it yourself...

ljc267

It's funny how WE make so much out of every event.

Why not take this approach. If the opportunity arises and it feels right go with it. If it doesn't then don't. Simple but effective.

lessgravity

I have to agree with this. Everything else in my life is infinitely greater. But the sex is not quite as fun. Not that I care so much, things are terrific when sober. In honesty though I have to agree.

DangerZone

As long as you are being safe and trust the person you are with I'd go ahead and have fun just as always, be careful. However if you are having too many doubts then you probably shouldn't be doing it. Has nothing to do with being sober it is just being smart.

Alcohol likes to trick us and make us think we need it to have courage to be social or hook up. We don't. Obviously being social and hooking up is easier with alcohol. There is no denying that. But it doesn't mean we can't still hook up with people while we are sober or go out with friends and hang out. Just takes some getting used to.

Keep in mind short term hooking up with people is fun but long term there can be a lot of consequences for that type of behavior so like I said before always remember to be careful, be safe and choose your partners wisely.

Berrybean

I dunno. At 2 months sober I certainly would have been thrown a curve-ball by this. Why not just focus on your sobriety and recovery now. Besides, I had little to offer anyone at that stage. I was far too anxious and self-absorbed for that.

Plenty of time to worry about sober sex when you KNOW you're ready for it and it might even be meaningful for you?

BB

DontRemember

I always listen to my gut nowadays.

golfreggie

I go to page 68-69 in the Big Book, give that a read, see if it helps you make a decision. Good luck

MindfulMan

My opinion is that nearly all fully consensual sex is healthy, be it in a monogamous relationship or someone you just met on the beach. With lovers, spouses or hookers. Whatever. If lying is involved to another party, than it's a no-no, or exploitive in some way, such as an adult with a much younger underage partner or someone in an extremely vulnerable mental or emotional state that would not consent in a normal situation, or is only consenting (or beyond consent) because of intoxication.

Anything else is fair game.

I had sober sex for the first time about a month ago. It was very weird, like I was a teenager fumbling around again. Possibly because it had been that long since I'd had sex without some sort of chemical enhancement. It was an internet hookup...amazing how easy this is now. I thought long and hard (no pun) about it afterwards, and wondered why the hesitation. On reflection, there was a lot of very bad strangeness with this guy, and he was probably high on meth, unfortunately not uncommon in the gay world. Even if that hadn't been the case, there is this hesitation like you described.

I think this is due to two things. One is that it IS unfamiliar because I haven't had sober sex in a long time. The second is that no matter my moral compass is on sex, and it pretty much points in any direction, there is always this awkward time leading up to sex, which can also be anxiety provoking. I'm so used to sailing through this with a few drinks/lines/pills/whatever, that to not have a chemical means to blunt this is very new. If I'm mindful, I'm starting to actually enjoy this process.

Think I need to give this theory a bunch of testing

Cosima11

Just wanted to add I realized after I typed that wait sex hasn't been "nothing but beneficial" since it led me back to smoking... but that's because with this particular person I have a history, he's a smoker and it's always been part of the routine so it triggered me bad. But such is life triggers exist and can't be avoided indefinitely.

I'm a girl but I think for anyone sex (especially sober) will inevitably bring up some level of emotions/memories/insecurities even if it's casual so I guess just be sure you're prepared to deal with that.